023
DERANGERyou throw the shot back and let out a cough as the passing liquor burns down your throat.
you slam down the shot glass, your face contorting into a grimace. tears start pooling in your eyes.
"this kamikaze is strong!" you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand.
tiffany chuckles. "hence the name. you like this one better?"
"can't say yet. can i have one more?"
"you sure? you've never had this much alcohol in the history of me knowing you."
"i just need something to," you gesture with your hands while tiffany looks at you eagerly, "to relax."
"relax? irene, i seriously think drinking all the possible vodka mixes on one night will cause you more trouble than relaxing. don't you have classes tomorrow?"
"just one more, unni. please." you press your palms together.
tiffany smirks and raises an eyebrow. "okay. i'm going to do one more. but you'd have to tell me what's up with you."
you blink. "with me?"
"yup!" tiffany opens the mixer and starts pouring stuff in it. "unless we'd rather pretend that i don't know something's bothering you. you're wearing it on your sleeve, girl."
you frown as you look at your sleeve, thinking if you are that obvious.
"is it love matters? family stuff? you know you can tell me anything."
you drum your fingers on the bar as you contemplate. tiffany is a trustworthy person. you've proven that many times before. but you're not sure if you're ready to tell her about this one secret of yours--the one thing you're sure will shock her entire being.
you're not even sure if it's still worth telling now that it's over.
"i'm stressed." you sigh. "bar results are coming out in a few days. i don't know what to expect."
"okay. that's something to be stressed about." she pours you another drink. "have you got any plans yet of what to do in case things don't go out as expected?"
"that's what stressing me, unni." you prop your elbows and cover your face with your palms. "i don't know what to do anymore if i fail the second time around. and how will i handle dad? ugh."
smiling, tiffany pushes the shot glass towards you. "i don't think it's a good idea to stress yourself over something that's not in your control. i'm sure you'll be able to figure it out once it's there. you're an amazing person, do you know that?"
you feel something inside you kick in, remembering seulgi telling you the same thing.
oh how you miss hearing her non-imposing comments whenever you share problems like this.
and her comforting hugs. sweet kiss--
"you've already done something about donghae, which i think is admirable," tiffany adds. "i know you'll be able to handle this one as well. and if everyone is against you, come back to me. we'll drink to that." she raises her empty mixer.
you giggle. "thank you, unni. thank you for always being patient with me."
"oh. come on. i love you as much as taeyeon loves you. have you forgotten you're her favourite cousin?" tiffany smiles at you. but it is gone the next second when her eyes catch something from the bar entrance. "hey. what is kwon yuri doing here on a sunday night?"
you look over your shoulder and see yuri in casual jeans and shirt attire, approaching the bar.
"tiff, can you give me one of that?" yuri points at your drink as she sits beside you.
"what's with the distressed face?" tiffany starts fixing her the drink. "why do you look like you met up with one of your exes and didn't like the outcome?"
yuri points a finger. "hah. funny how it's kinda related to that."
"tell us what happened then," tiffany urges. "spill us the tea."
yuri leans over the bar and lets out a huff. "she's back..."
"who's back? oh my gosh!" tiffany covers . "jessica?"
"yup. with her sister." yuri shows her phone. "saw krystal posted this two hours ago. that's when i realise i have a message request from jessica. she's asking to meet up."
tiffany grabs the phone. "wow. krystal's growing prettier, huh? and she already met up with seulgi?"
that captures your attention.
"it seems so." yuri sighs again. "i don't know if i should meet up with jessica tho. the last time i stalked her, she's engaged with that tyler guy."
"wait. is that the same seulgi i know? my student?" you ask, couldn't hold your curiosity anymore.
tiffany hands you the phone. "yeah. she and yuri got acquainted because they dated the jung sisters before. yuri used to be with jessica, the older sister. seulgi was classmates with the younger sibling."
the next part of their conversation slowly becomes a blur as you stare at the picture posted by a jung krystal with the caption, "nice to see you, my old friend ♥️️️ ♥️️️ ♥️️️". it's a selfie with seulgi, who's wearing the same shirt from earlier when you met at the memorial chapel.
but this time, she's only in her white shirt as krystal's wearing seulgi's leather jacket and aviator glasses.
you don't miss how seulgi's smiling in the picture. that all-too-familiar smile that radiates how she's genuinely enjoying their moment.
you don't like the ideas your brain is conjuring up right now.
"is she one of seulgi's flings?" you hand the phone back.
"no. it's more than that." yuri downs a shot and coughs before she turns to you. "krystal was the first woman seulgi got head-over-heels for. she was damn serious about her to the point she stopped playing around. but after they broke up, she just went back to her old self. guess that's how she was badly broken."
"what happened?" you ask, taking advantage of the opportunity.
"well..." yuri scrunches up her face. "the thing is, jessica's family is devoted to their religion. which means we dating are hidden from their family. i was known as jessica's best friend while seulgi is to krystal. sica and i lasted for three years before her parents caught us kissing in her room."
you grimace.
"it all went down the drain after that," yuri continues. "jessica took all the blame and never involved her sister nor seulgi in it. a few months after that, their parents sent them abroad to continue their studies. that's when krystal broke up with seulgi."
"oh. that must be hard for her." you rest your chin on your clasped hands, already imagining how awful it was.
so, this is what seulgi was talking about earlier, about having a relationship with someone who's got strong religious ties.
somehow you feel bad. because it seems the history repeated with you. and you had seulgi go through that process again, only because you're afraid to contradict your faith nor your parents.
sometimes you don't know what's right anymore.
because if following everything the scriptures say is the right thing to do, why do you and many people still suffer?
---
you barely slept the night before, knowing that list of bar passers will be released today at six am.
you are in front of your laptop early, refreshing the page over and over, hoping to see the results asap.
as the minutes get closer, your heart keeps beating fast. the frustration is killing you.
and when the results are finally up, you immediately searched for your name, fingers trembling against the keyboard.
and then suddenly, it was silent.
your world feels like it comes to a halt.
you clench your hand and swallow a mass in your throat.
you try again, to make sure you're not mistaken.
but your name is not there.
then your phone rings. your dad is calling you.
now you don't know which one is worse; failing the bar for the second time around or explaining to your dad why it happened.
you can only agree with the saying when it rains, it pours.
---
it was a fairly silent class today.
you're not in the mood to teach, not even conditioned to be at work. but you pushed yourself.
you wore your anti-rad glasses, hoping it'll somehow cover up your swollen eyes. you couldn't talk too loud either as your voice is hoarse from crying all night.
your dad kept asking you what happened, what went wrong, and is thinking if there is a mistake in the results.
you should have passed it this time, he firmly says. he's not blaming it on you, but you know yourself that your efforts weren't enough.
studying drains a lot of your energy. it stresses you out. and whenever you feel your brain is about to explode, you spend time with seulgi.
she makes things lighter for you. she makes you happy, makes you feel good about yourself.
studying law doesn't give you that feeling. it's the complete opposite.
but there's nothing you can do. it's still your fault. you've just proven what kind of a failure you are for the second time around.
you are pulled out of your thoughts when a student approaches the table and hands over his paper. you've decided to provide them with an exercise today in lieu of a discussion, with a promise they can leave the class after completing the exercise.
a few more students follow after. you dismiss them and tell them to enjoy the rest of the day.
you are busy checking one of the papers when another student approaches and places the paper on the stack.
without looking up, you thank the student and wish them a nice day.
but the student doesn't move.
instead, you see a kitkat chunky getting placed beside your bag, obscured from everybody's line of sight.
you look up. seulgi's not meeting your eyes, but her hand is still glued to the said chocolate.
she stays there for another second before she stands straight, fixes her bag, and leaves.
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