010
DERANGERyou spend the entire day mostly lying on the bed with seulgi. you didn't even bother to turn your phone on, not wanting anyone to disturb the little paradise you are in.
it was when you feel that you have satisfied your rebellious side you decide to leave her apartment.
enough with the plays.
it's about time you face the reality you've been trying to escape since last night.
despite seulgi's words still echoing in your head, you know it won't be that easy for you. you don't even know where to start yet.
you're too confused with the turn out of the events. you don't know what to decided yet.
so you did what you think is right; face your problems head-on and find out for yourself.
it doesn't matter which road you take. either choice will cause you suffering.
---
donghae's waiting in your apartment when you arrive.
he asked where you've been. you told him you stayed in a hotel room to think.
he apologised for what he did the night before. he said he realised your brother is right, that he needs to consider you too in his plans.
he told you he'll try to make it up to you, that you don't need to say yes to his proposal yet. all he wants is for you two to talk and patch things up.
you forgive him and tell him it's okay. but you're tired and don't want to talk about last night yet.
he agrees and prepares dinner for the two of you.
the night went on with him telling how his work was. you nod and nod while you listen to him talk.
you went to bed early. he wants to make love, but you say you're not in the mood.
he understands. he hugs you to sleep instead.
you pretend to be asleep because you don't want to make him feel you'd rather be back in someone else's apartment instead.
---
days later, you reached out to your parents, telling them you need to think about the wedding first.
you mum understands but still suggests you push through with it so her friends in church would stop talking about you.
your dad reminds you that you can be engaged, but no wedding would occur unless you pass the bar.
knowing that contradicting them will result in a lengthy discussion, you keep your mouth shut.
sometimes it's better not to voice out your thoughts. either way, they'd always expect you to do as they say.
---
"donghae? what are you doing here?" you approach your lover, who's standing outside the classroom.
"surprise visiting you." he smiles, pulling you into a hug. "i took a week-long leave from work so i could spend more time with you."
"you don't need to do that." you gently pull away from his grip, knowing your students inside the classroom can see you.
"but i want to. i told you, i'll make it up to you."
that made you smile. "you could have at least messaged me. i still have class."
"i don't mind waiting here for an hour."
"you don't need to--"
"it's fine. your class is waiting for you." he gently pushes you inside the classroom. "i'll be waiting here."
you turn to him. "at least pull a chair or something while you're waiting?"
"i'll be fine. i need to stretch out these legs of mine, anyway."
you roll your eyes. "fine."
"i'll see you in an hour, professor." he waves and disappears after.
you turn to your class, still smiling.
that's when you notice kang seulgi's already sitting at her chair, looking at you.
you clear your throat and proceed with your lesson.
unlike the previous days, she had her eyes on her notes the entire time.
---
you think you want to break up with him.
that comes as a passing thought while you sit in a cafe outside the university, looking at donghae, who's busy appreciating the iced coffee he's drinking.
you're not sure when exactly you got the idea. but it starts popping into your head days even before he proposed to you.
you have no valid reason to back it up, a reason you're prolonging the action.
for all you know, it could be a temporary feeling that you'll regret in the end if you act upon it.
so, you delay and delay, waiting for more signs.
you suddenly recall how you met him in church when you were eighteen. you joined the youth choir group where donghae's an active member. he's one of those cute boys whom every girl had a crush on.
and boy you're the lucky girl to get his attention.
liking him was easy because he's charming and has a nice voice. to add, your parents are already friends with each other. getting approval from both sides was no problem.
fast-forward to fifteen years later; you two are still dating. you know you care for him deeply, but the idea of you spending the rest of your lives together doesn't sit well with you.
dating him is one thing--an easier thing. but marrying him is a whole new level of commitment.
you're not sure if you're ready for that yet.
"irene, are you listening to me?" donghae waves his hand in front of your face.
you blink. "what?"
"are you okay? you seem to be too deep into your thoughts."
"yeah. just... work. were you saying something?"
"that's seulgi, right?"
you shift your attention to the direction he's pointing. and indeed, it's seulgi walking arm in arm with a pretty taller woman.
you didn't notice you furrow your brows.
"is that the same girl she's with last time when tiffany posted that photo?" donghae asks. you realise he's right. it is the same girl. "must be her girlfriend, huh?"
instead of answering, you hold your cup next to your mouth and take a sip.
the two of you watch how seulgi and the said woman walk to her car--a blue compact car. she opened the door for the woman before going into the driver's seat.
"isn't it funny how relationships like that are considered normal these days?" donghae asks when the blue car drives away. "don't you find it disgusting?"
something about those words doesn't hit you right.
"you're not even sure if they're together," you say.
"whichever the case, your student is still a lesbian who's going to rot in hell someday."
another smack in your chest. you shift on your chair.
"i don't think you're in the right position to pass on a judgement," you tell him. "you barely know the kid. and what's wrong with her doing what she wants?"
donghae raises an eyebrow. "what are you saying? you know the holy scripture is against that." he gestures a hand outside.
"all i'm saying is we shouldn't talk like we're some pinnacle of righteousness. we're all sinners. that's human nature."
donghae stares at you, looking slightly surprised. then he lets out a chuckle.
"i think you're getting your period soon."
"maybe." you stand up, taking the cup along. "let's go. dad's invited us to have dinner there tonight."
donghae follows you and drives you to your parent's house.
the idea of breaking up with him increases as time passes by.
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