"get up or die." 

 

joohyun grunts, nudging the fallen recruit with her boots. distaste is plastered across her face as a sheen of sweat slides down her temple. the glaring sun makes her skin feel gross and sticky, she much prefers titan’s blood, at least that evaporates.

 

the scouts have been placed on a temporary leave after their last mission was a monumental failure, so now they are stuck with training fresh blood. with yongsun being the leader of her squad, naturally, the role of leading the drills fell upon her shoulders. joohyun's job as second-in-command is to make sure the stragglers don't fall too far behind.  

 

unfortunately, for those poor souls, they would end up at the mercy of the elite soldier. today, a tall blonde girl kneels before her, panting and gasping for breath. joohyun wonders if she should take pity on her, though softening up would mean that she would end up relying on others to save her.

 

"the titans won’t wait for you to catch your breath." the dark-haired woman crouches before the recruit. with her hair hanging over her face, the blonde lifts her gaze and a pair of icy blue eyes seemingly bores into her soul.

 

the soldier casts a quick judgement upon her; she doesn’t belong on the battlefield. a girl like her looks much better tucked away in a small bakery, selling fluffy loaves of bread to the common folk instead of training to slaughter those bastards. even if she’s willing to become fodder for humanity, what glory is there in giving up?

 

"if you fall in battle, you will not be dying alone. your friends, your comrades, they will die trying to help you. if you want that to be the last thing you see, then stay here.” the soldier’s voice, though cold and harsh, is devoid of any sort of deception. the truth comes from a recurring scenario wherein she witnesses during every mission.

 

prove me wrong, joohyun tightens her jaw as she stares into her eyes. the ends of her lips lift slightly and the recruit begins to clamber to her feet. the look in her eyes has shifted to something resembling determination, or perhaps the dread of watching her friends sacrifice themselves for her. whatever it is, at least she is getting up. joohyun steps back, allowing the girl to break into a staggering run.

 

watching her figure shrink in the distance, joohyun hopes that this would be the first of many recruits that will outlive her.

 

---

 

a little inquiring leads joohyun to finding out that the blonde is one of the worst recruits in this batch. son seungwan, daughter of the late doctor son. he had been a renowned physician, but the plague he was attempting to cure got to him. nevertheless, his work aided the other doctors in developing the cure.

 

“her father was a doctor, why is she here?”

 

yongsun scoffs, taking a bite out of her bread. “why don’t you ask her yourself?”

 

a foot meets her shin and the leader winces sharply. casting a glare at her friend, joohyun merely rolls her eyes in response. 

 

"well, she's got a bright mind," yongsun notes with a shrug, "i can see her becoming a strategist or a medic someday."

 

"but she won't last in the field." joohyun frowns. at the pace they are going at now, the blonde will not be ready for another five years. any less than that, she will essentially be titan food.

 

"it's currently our job to make sure she lasts."

 

joohyun exhales, "speaking of which, how long are we going to be stuck here?" 

 

"i thought you'd be glad that we’re taking a break."

 

"i don't enjoy training these bastards."

 

"come on, it's a good way for us to get more soldiers too. you know most of them will go to the garrisons." yongsun points out with a hopeful smile.

 

it is a depressing reality they try to hide from the fresh recruits; most scouts die in their first year. if they make it beyond that threshold, they are either lucky or skilled. so they mask it with lies, selling it as a heroic way to die — for their friends, for their loved ones, for the good of humanity. it's all bull to joohyun.

 

“so they can die for nothing?” joohyun mutters wryly.

 

“do you think you’ll die for nothing? that everything you’ve done up till now is pointless?”

 

the answer rolls off her tongue with ease, "yes.” 

 

of all the missions she’s been on, there hasn’t been a single breakthrough. but a job is a job and life with the scouts is certainly much better than the underground. at least she doesn't have to sleep with a knife in hand. until there is something better, she'll fight and kill these titans.

 

yongsun's fingers find their way across the table, inflicting a hard flick on her forehead. "then don't die till you've accomplished something."

 

"i'm sure i'll live for a long, long time."

 

---

 

they spend six months training recruits. and son seungwan ended up joining the scouting regiment. 

 

admittedly, joohyun was surprised to see her face amidst the small pool of recruits. their exchanges over the months have been far few and between, but the soldier had been keeping an eye on her.

 

their first mission upon their return was with the new recruits. their goal is to bring back a deviant titan for byulyi. deviants, being much smaller, are supposedly easier to transport, albeit much harder to capture.

 

a two-meter tall deviant that has extremely fast reflexes is their target. it takes a whole week of tracking before they come close enough, but the plan goes south when one of the soldiers fails to cut off its legs.

 

the titan retaliates by grabbing the nearest unfortunate soul. their objective is clear as day — bring a deviant back alive. byulyi could whine all she wanted but when the choice rested on her, joohyun would never choose a titan over a human.

 

pulling her blades out, she flies high above while the deviant is too distracted to notice her. she lands a quick strike against its nape and watches as the efforts of the entire squad begin to evaporate into steam.

 

"are you okay?" joohyun lands beside the unlucky recruit, offering a hand.

 

the blonde nods shakily in response, "y-yes, thank you."

 

"yah! bae joohyun! you could've just cut off its arms!"

 

incurring the wrath of yongsun is much easier than facing the guilt of watching her comrade die. admittedly, she recognises that yongsun is right. if she had just another fraction of a second to think, maybe they’d still have a deviant to bring home. 

 

but what's done is done — they could find another titan, but they wouldn't find another son seungwan.

 

the researcher will make a fuss but yongsun will figure out a way to placate her. they ended up capturing two regular titans for byulyi, just to make up for the lack of deviants. 

 

---

 

they begin their journey home at dawn, until then, joohyun remains on watch. the wilderness, when it's not swarming with titans, is actually a lovely place. and on rare nights like these, joohyun savours being alive.

 

settling on a large tree, the faint glimmer of moonlight breaks through the dense leaves and shines upon the ruminating soldier. she sits at the very front with her legs extended and her weight resting on her hands behind her.

 

she enjoys nights like these the most, the quiet and solitude of the forest is something she longs to have. back in the walls, the cities felt stifling. too many people crammed within such a small space — she hates it.

 

a faint whizz of air cuts through the silence and she registers a presence behind her. the sound of a person struggling to climb up makes her rule out any possibility that it’s her captain, or anyone skilled for the matter.

 

"mind if i join you?"

 

joohyun turns slightly to confirm her suspicions as the tall blonde waves a hand.

 

"shouldn't you be asleep?" the vice-captain quirks a brow.

 

"i'm on first watch."

 

a lie, joohyun eyes the girl sharply. she knew exactly who was on watch and where they were positioned. her expression borders on annoyance which makes seungwan purse her lips.

 

the recruit lets out a nervous chuckle and shuffles her weight from one leg to another. "i-i just wanted to thank you for saving me today."

 

joohyun nods, turning back to the view in front of her. she doesn't invite the recruit to join her, but doesn't mind that the blonde settles at a comfortable distance beside her. the branch is just wide enough for the two of them. 

 

it's not very often that new recruits would willingly make acquaintance with bae joohyun. her reputation precedes her, the townsfolk speak of her skill as if she is some champion of humanity. but she isn't infallible; she’s made mistakes and bad choices all the same. maybe this recruit has never heard of her, it matters not.

 

“i never thought i’d get to see the skies from outside the walls,” seungwan interrupts the silence with a musing, “it feels like a dream come true.”

 

joohyun watches her through the corner of her eye, “is this why you joined the scouts?”

 

the blonde nods slowly, pulling her cloak closer around her body. for someone of her stature, she looks anything but menacing. her blue eyes seem to shimmer in the moonlight as she continues to talk about her dreams.

 

"i wanted to see what was beyond the walls. now, what is beyond the horizon?"

 

"more trees and fields upon fields of empty land, i suppose." joohyun hums lazily. this is her twenty-first mission beyond the walls and they've never seen anything other than that and a few small rivers.

 

seungwan turns to face her, "what if i told you that beyond these lands there's a huge body of salt water surrounding us?"

 

the vice-captain scoffs, "yah, do you take me for a fool? you sound like those heretics that worship the walls."

 

the blonde laughs quietly, "i know how it sounds, but i've seen it in the books. it stretches on for miles on end and it’s called the ocean.”

 

"the books?" joohyun frowns skeptically. she didn’t have the luxury of studying in the underground, only when she got into the military did they provide her with some basic education. and till now, she would rather hold a blade than a book.

 

the smile slips off seungwan's lips, "my dad had a collection of books from beyond the horizon. there's a much bigger world out there than we think, and it's become my dream to find out if it's real."

 

"that's a big dream," joohyun says, "you know what happens to people who dream too big, right? most die before they even get close to achieving them."

 

the recruit bobs her head slowly, "i know, but if i don't make it, i hope that whatever i've done will make the journey easier for the rest of humanity."

 

"so you are willing to become fodder?"

 

"yes, if it brings us one step closer to the truth." determination spills from her words and she pulls her gaze to the heavens.

 

dreams, joohyun thinks, are the strongest source of hope. but if you dream too big, it could only end in disappointment.

 

"i hope you make it to the ocean someday." she says sincerely, though a shred of doubt lingers in her tone. she remains skeptical; it sounds like a childlike fantasy instead of a realistic dream.

 

seungwan beams and nods. "what about you? why did you join the scouts?"

 

"it was either this or i spend the rest of my life fighting in the underground." joohyun responds, "it's much easier to kill titans than humans."

 

"oh…" seungwan swallows nervously, "what about the military police then?"

 

joohyun scoffs, not bothering to hide her disdain for those living in the innermost walls. "i doubt i could stand a place where i have to serve those pompous bastards. i'd get fired in a day."

 

seungwan snickers quietly and pulls her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them. 

 

"so you didn't have a choice?"

 

she could be in the garrison regiment, it would be much safer in the cities and she wouldn't have to risk her life each time she steps out of the walls. but yongsun pleaded with her to join the scouts, so she did.

 

"not initially, but it grew on me." joohyun shrugs.

 

their talk tapers into a mutual silence, seungwan accompanies the dark-haired woman in her watch till sleep begins to take her. joohyun nudged her downwards to where the rest slept but the blonde insisted on staying up in the tree. something about wanting to savour it all while she could, joohyun merely scoffed and made sure she strapped herself against the tree while she slept. 

 

the sunrise that morning was breathtaking, though the peace was interrupted by seungwan's gasps. she's usually alone when the sun rises so it's strange to have company for once. strangely enough, while she detested most people, she didn’t mind seungwan at all. 

 

the scouts begin their journey home and joohyun’s mind wanders to seungwan and the ocean. admittedly, it’s a little hard to picture what it would look like, maybe it would look similar to a big lake. maybe she too will get there one day and witness it for herself.

 

---

 

the war against titans is endless and son seungwan lives past her first year as a scout. granted, her skills aren’t all that impressive, but it’s good enough to keep her alive. with a little more experience out on the field, it’s easy to see where her talents lie. her quick thinking and strategies have led to a lower death toll in their missions — an impressive feat in the eyes of her superiors.

 

no doubt, son seungwan would be a key figure in winning the war against the titans in the future. she has potential, but she's far too inexperienced to lead a squad on her own. so she stays under joohyun's protection, though the amount of saving she needs has decreased exponentially.

 

whenever joohyun finds herself on the first watch, the blonde’s presence is almost a given. though the same could be said when seungwan is on watch. they seemingly gravitate towards each other, as if seeking for something more than mere companionship. she talks of the strangest things like lakes of fire and mountains of sand. joohyun considered her to be eccentric like byulyi, though listening to these otherworldly fantasies is much better than listening to some one-eyed lunatic and her titan ramblings.

 

her favourite nights are the ones where seungwan points out the different stars in the night sky. she taught her about the different constellations and their names. how polaris, the north star, acts as a guide for wayward travellers. she even taught joohyun how to find them.

 

eventually, the stars are no longer merely shimmering dots. they turn into records for the nights they spend together. 

 

joohyun begins to respect the blonde and not many can declare that they have bae joohyun's support. in some ways, it's almost an act of pledging fealty if she decides they are worth her respect. she would believe in them until they go, and she would carry their legacy until she too goes.

 

joohyun's dreams were small, she wanted three warm meals a day and a nice bed to sleep in, which she got easily after joining the scouts. she merely follows orders in the days after, fighting for humanity because she had to, not because she wanted to.

 

now, she finds herself wishing for something so abstract — to see the ecstasy on seungwan's face when they get to the ocean. who knew such a small shift of perspective could lead to one feeling a little less dreary? 

 

if they made it to the ocean, maybe seungwan would come up with something more absurd than a large pool of salt water. and even then, joohyun would scoff and follow her.

 

two years they fought together under yongsun's leadership, and then the time came for joohyun to lead her own squad.

 

"are you sure they want me to lead a squad all on my own?" joohyun furrows her brows upon yongsun's news.

 

the leader nods, "you're ready, and besides, we'll still be going on the same missions in case you miss me too much."

 

their missions, could be better dubbed as parts of a large-scale operation. their goal is to set up outposts beyond the walls, which means clearing forests of titans so construction could proceed. a tedious task that requires only the best soldiers, hence the necessary formation of joohyun's squad.

 

the dark-haired woman clicks her teeth sharply. "do i get to pick my own members?"

 

"picky, aren't you?" yongsun teases, "but yes, you will. and before you say anything, son seungwan is all yours."

 

joohyun folds her arms across her chest, "i want kim jennie too."

 

"yah, you're killing me here. who's gonna be left of my squad?"

 

"that's not really my problem, is it?" the newly appointed squad leader smirks.

 

"you’re cruel, bae joohyun.”

 

---

 

while joohyun had the skills, she isn't sure how good of a leader she would be. she trusts each and every member to make the best decision they can. though, oftentimes, she finds herself falling on seungwan's advice.

 

it's been a year since the formation of the special squad and joohyun is proud to say that they have yet to lose a single member. they are at the end of their major operation now, all the outposts are ready and they get put on a well-deserved break.

 

it's a friday night when joohyun hears the rapping of knuckles against her door. grunting, she clambers out of her chair, pulling the door open begrudgingly. she's greeted by the sight of seungwan mumbling away to herself. 

 

clearing , the soldier jumps. "c-captain!" she blurts as she straightens her back.

 

joohyun eyes her strangely, "do you need something?" with the way seungwan is dressed, in a casual white dress shirt, it’s safe to assume that there’s no emergency. 

 

"u-uh …" the blonde stammers, "d-do you have any dinner plans?"

 

the captain responds flatly. "no." 

 

"w-would you like to go out for dinner ..? with me ..?"

 

"i'm your boss, son seungwan."

 

the blood rushes to her cheeks and seungwan shakes her head fervently. "no! no! it's not a date! i heard from captain yongsun that you were staying in tonight and i just thought maybe you would like some company. no pressure if you don't want to! w-we can pretend like this never happened!" she blabbers to an extent that her voice begins to quiver. maybe asking the captain that most of the scouts feared out for dinner was a terrible idea, even if she felt close enough to said captain.

 

meanwhile, joohyun has been trying her damndest to not laugh at the sight of seungwan practically having a meltdown. a restrained snort escapes and she smirks in amusement.

 

“it’s only our first night off and you miss me that much already, huh?” the captain teases.

 

“i-i! n-no!”

 

“come on,” joohyun rolls her eyes as she pushes past seungwan, “you can tell me more about those fishes that can smell blood over dinner.”

 

“s-sharks?”

 

“mhm, or whatever else you’d like to trick me into believing.”

 

seungwan wants to counter with a they’re real! but joohyun has already disappeared around the corner. 

 

they enjoy a nice dinner at one of the outdoor restaurants in the karanes district, seungwan teaches her about the fish in the ocean, about the sharks and whales. it feels like another conversation they’d have when the moon is out but this time they got a taste of what it would be like if they are mere civilians. 

 

she watches seungwan push away her peas for the entirety of dinner, and she wonders if she could make seungwan a meal with peas someday. just to see if she would eat them. a gentle realisation sets in at that thought, and she looks up at the blonde.

 

what would life be like in a world without titans?

 

certainly, it would offer more than a modicum of normality. beyond the titans, she couldn’t think of anything else that could threaten humanity. if a shred of that reality brings her so much contentment, then how bright would her joy be if they could eradicate them all? 

 

instead of worrying about how they could potentially die on the next expedition, maybe they would worry about trivial things like most civilians do. like forgetting the laundry, or not being able to get their morning coffee. joohyun has never experienced that luxury since everything she’s done has been to ensure her survival. 

 

but watching seungwan pick away at her peas makes her realise that it doesn’t have to be that way. she could think about stupid little things like whether seungwan would just give her the damn peas or would she have to ask for them herself.

 

she deserves to live even if death comes for her tomorrow.

 

“hand them over.”

 

she can’t put her finger on what this feeling is but it’s warm. bliss, maybe. she doesn’t need to figure it out, all she knows is that she likes it.

 

“what?”

 

“the peas.”

 

“i’m going to eat them.”

 

“no you’re not. hand them over.”

 

“but!”

 

“give me the ing peas, son seungwan.”

 

as a seasoned scout, she knows better than to plan for the future, but it won’t stop her from looking forward to one with seungwan in it. she deserves to dream, and hope that someday, they could worry about the most mundane things in life and argue over things like eating ing peas.

 

---

 

the fall of wall maria comes as a shock to all of humanity; it acts a grim reminder that they are still prisoners to those demons. it shatters any hope of them ever reaching the ocean. humanity has barely taken a step forward but now, they’re dealt multiple steps back.

 

commander kim taeyeon steps down from her role after losing the outermost wall, electing seungwan for the next commander of the scouts. no one could have foreseen this coming, after all they’ve lived in peace for a hundred years. but perhaps the guilt, or the glaring lack of her competence forces her away from the role. 

 

with the chance to further show her talents in joohyun's squad, seungwan had come up with new scouting formations that drastically lowered the number of casualties. a squad with no deaths is unheard of, let alone for two whole years? the higher ups acknowledge the feat and with the previous commander's recommendation, son seungwan takes up the mantle and carries humanity forward.

 

but no matter how intelligent she is, humanity would need time to recover. they didn't have the resources nor the manpower to clear out so many titans. not to mention, besides the scouts, most soldiers in the garrison regiment are unfit to fight titans.

 

still, they did whatever they could. mounting extra cannon along the walls, training whoever wanted to fight. it comes as a surprise to no one when they begin to feel the strain of losing wall maria.

 

wall rose simply did not have enough food to support the needs of humanity and rationing would only delay the inevitable. this is the first time son seungwan understands what it truly means to be a commander. she has the ability to influence change now but she's also responsible for more than just the scouting regiment too. the despair of the situation weighs heavily on her but she can still see what needs to be done.

 

she shares her plan with joohyun and joohyun alone. there's nobody she trusted more than the captain and she didn't dare suggest this to the rest of the commanders without some reassurance.

 

in the privacy of her room, she lets the wickedness spill from her lips in quiet sentences.

 

"we need to cull the population." she says heavily, "a fifth of our total population at least, if we want to make it through winter."

 

the dark-haired woman leans against the wall as she listens. violence in trost and the southern region have been steadily increasing, no doubt if something isn't done about the food shortage, they would be fighting another war entirely.

 

"we'll send those that cannot work or fight beyond the walls. it's the only way." seungwan swallows thickly, "we'll disguise it as an operation to retake wall maria."

 

joohyun looks at her expressionlessly. it's the most logical sacrifice, though it meant that they would be sending the most vulnerable and helpless people to die.

 

“will it be the right choice?”

 

the sound of seungwan's voice cracking makes her heart wrench. taking over as the commander of the scouts had placed an immense pressure on her and joohyun hated to see her like this.

 

the captain approaches her, clasping her hands lightly. it doesn't matter how many expeditions they've been on, it doesn't matter what they've been through, this plan is wicked. feeding the sick and elderly to their enemies, everything about it sickens her. but it is a necessary evil, they both know it.

 

the blonde lifts her gaze. on the verge of tears, she's begging for joohyun to say something, anything to assuage this heaviness in her chest.

 

please.

 

sending over two hundred thousand people to their deaths, how could it ever be the right choice?

 

"it's far from humane but it is the right choice." joohyun tightens her grip.

 

the blonde pulls away to sit on her bed, burying her face in her hands, she croaks. "how can the right choice feel so … cruel?"

 

growing up in the underground has taught her a lot of things, mainly, humans are innately savage. if they allowed the surviving population to descend into depravity, mankind would see to their end by the start of summer.

 

"what happens if we let everyone live? we would starve in months and people will end up killing each other for a mere loaf of bread."

 

fights for food in the underground weren’t exactly uncommon, joohyun had been a part of many. the possibility that the survivors would turn into a replica of the people underground is very real and they need to avoid it at all costs.

 

"i don't want to do this." seungwan mumbles.

 

joohyun kneels before her, not as her captain but rather a loyal companion. she gently pries seungwan's hands from her face, forcing the blonde to look at her. "then i'll do it for you. i'll propose this plan and lead them out."

 

if you cannot bear the weight of these choices, then let me shoulder it for you.

 

"captain …"

 

"it's just joohyun now, commander seungwan." the smaller woman smiles wryly, "i'll bring as many back as i can."

 

seungwan tears up and she tightens her jaw. ignoring the thick lump in , she croaks, "if you go, i'll go too. i just need some time to think."

 

"you're the commander of the scouts now." joohyun sighs, "you can't just go on a suicide mission."

 

"but you're going."

 

"do you not trust me to make it back?"

 

"i do, but the possibility of the other outcome terrifies me." seungwan admits with a quiver.

 

there's nothing she can say that will lighten the mood; seungwan's fears mirrors her own. over the years, they've watched comrades come and go but they have not experienced anything close to losing each other. they see it every day — death, yet they fear to speak of it when it comes to the people that matter the most to them.

 

"i won't die." joohyun reassures gently, "you won't lose me."

 

and the captain never lies. though the same can’t be said for the commander.

 

with joohyun by her side, commander seungwan proposes the plan. instead of a culling, she sells it as an operation to retake wall maria, and the other commanders readily agree. a solution has just been spoonfed to them, they wouldn’t even need to lift a finger. all they had to do is select who is going to die.

 

the general public shows support for the operation. they are glad, relieved maybe, that it isn’t them that’s getting sent out. joohyun merely wrinkles her nose at how they don’t even bother to hide their elation. humanity is selfish when it comes to survival. 

 

seungwan merely clutches her shoulders tightly before they are due to set out, come back. she withholds her words, fearing that her feelings would hinder joohyun. she lets the captain go and trusts that she would return.

 

and she keeps her promise. joohyun returns with all her limbs intact, but the same cannot be said for the rest. what started as a promising expedition with over two hundred thousand people ends in a massacre, they return with a measly two hundred people, a tenth of a hundredth of what they set out with. it’s a resounding success to the commanders, humanity will live to see another day — good for them.

 

the captain refuses to speak when she returns, the reports. the first thing she does is seek seungwan out despite having a few broken bones and being covered in dirt and grime. she’s greeted with the commander draping her cloak over her. their difference in size makes it so that seungwan’s cloak hangs over her like a large blanket. 

 

it smells like son seungwan and all things safe.

 

seungwan ignores her meetings for the rest of the day, they have sacrificed enough for her to take a day off. for today, joohyun’s well-being would take precedence. the commander cleans her up and personally tends to her wounds and broken fingers. she can’t help but clench her jaw at the sight of the captain’s broken body, she traces over every bruise with a feathered touch and vows that she will never let joohyun go on a mission alone again.

 

wherever she goes, seungwan will be right by her side. it’s just how things are, or how they will be under her command. she won’t be biased, but neither will she hide how much she cares.

 

word spreads quickly amongst the survivors; captain bae joohyun saved them! the fearsome captain lives up to her name, she did all that she could! without her, no one would return! 

 

joohyun earns the title of humanity’s strongest warrior, and she detests it. she is no hero, if she was, there would be no need for any sort of culling. and no hero ever attains happiness. so the last thing she ever wants to be is a hero for mankind.

 

there’s something different about hearing the cries of soldiers who have been trained to fight titans and the cries of helpless common folk as they're eaten. it echoes in her head for days after her return to the trost district, and they chase her to the realm of sleep.

 

she doesn’t know how, but seungwan notices. perhaps it’s the darkening eye circles, or how she would pace around the grounds in the middle of the night. she begins to check on joohyun, and on nights where she finds the captain awake, she leads them on an excursion to the top of the walls.

 

they sit with their legs dangling off the edge and seungwan’s cloak would be draped around the captain. there’s no pressure to talk, seungwan doesn’t dare to ask either. she has no words to comfort joohyun, maybe whatever she says would only worsen things. so, the least she could do is accompany her while she works through it.

 

they stare at the moon and stars until joohyun is sleepy and then seungwan carries her back to her room. the streets are eerily still as they walk back to the barracks. with joohyun clinging onto her back, seungwan takes the chance to shoot a jibe at her captain.

 

"you know, you're like a big backpack." the commander snickers.

 

joohyun hisses and locks her arms around the blonde's neck, tightening it with the intent to cut off her air supply. "you made me get on your back, son seungwan."

 

seungwan laughs and chokes, but her laughter quickly turns into panic when joohyun leans further back. "i-i'm kidding! s-sorr– j-joohyun? i-i'm going to pass out! j-joo– h-hyun!"

 

clicking her teeth, humanity's strongest warrior releases her grip and lets her hands dangle around the commander's neck.

 

"i'd rather not earn the title of the commander killer."

 

seungwan coughs and bobs her head quickly, "i'm a fast learner, don't worry."

 

she snickers and rests her chin on the blonde's wide shoulder. twilight is the only time they can truly be themselves. or rather the version that they only show to each other. despite her initial reluctance, joohyun thinks it's nice to be taken care of. she likes it, that seungwan cares for her. she never wants to share this with anyone, this son seungwan.

 

almost a fortnight after they begin their trips to the wall, does joohyun finally crack. she yells a string of curses into the open air, mostly along the lines of swearing vengeance. seungwan watches and hopes that she’ll never incur the ire of bae joohyun. a tenacious and formidable woman with the most tender heart, if only life could be a little kinder to her so that she could flourish.

 

seungwan will still dream of the ocean, but god, would she give everything to see joohyun live — what a breathtaking sight it would be.

 

---

 

it takes some time for things to settle down. with the culling, humanity manages to pull through. 

 

the task to retake wall maria is an immense one. there's also the fear of the colossal and armored titans returning, so little progress is made. they had to do everything to ensure that they never lose wall rose, losing it would certainly mean death. but within two years, things begin to stabilize and seungwan is raring to send the scouts out on expeditions to clear out the titans from wall maria. they will inch their way to victory at some point, humanity will win.

 

joohyun never leads an expedition again, although she's more than capable too. seungwan always assigns her to be close by unless the captain is needed elsewhere.

 

on their fiftieth expedition beyond wall rose, they're barely an hour into the expedition when they narrowly avoid a swarm of titans. sensing that something is amiss, seungwan orders them to turn back. she announces to the squads that the titans look to be headed for trost. the soldiers tense up at the thought of the catastrophe that struck them almost four years ago, it cannot happen again.

 

they rush back in record speed. joohyun is the first one to dismount from her horse, scaling up the walls with her squad following closely behind. seungwan could berate her for disobeying orders later, after all, time is of the essence.

 

a large tremor shakes the earth and she looks towards her members with uneasiness in her heart. they hasten their advance and when they make it to the top of the wall, she feels her heart drop when she sees titans in the city. some have been killed, but there is still plenty. she launches a signal flare to notify the rest of the troops, a red smoke signal only means bad news. 

 

strangely enough, she can’t seem to identify where the titans seem to be pouring in from. the main gate — is stoppered by a large boulder. she doesn’t quite understand the situation but her body reacts. dropping from above, she lands a neat slice down the napes of two titans, getting both of them in one go.

 

the captain lands on the steaming corpses and wipes a splash of blood of her cheeks. turning to the recruits she just saved, the more confused she gets. 

 

“yah… explain what the hell is going on here.”

 

little did she know that this would be mankind’s turning point in the war against titans. in the days that follow, she sees less of seungwan. their duties have required them to be in different parts of town, the scouting regiment aids to rid trost of any stray titans while the garrison regiment handles the bulk of it.

 

joohyun seeks the commander out at twilight, if only to show that she is still unharmed. seungwan holds her hand and marvels at the possibilities of their newly acquired weapon. on top of the walls that cage them, despite the losses they sustained, they still dream of happiness and all things wonderful. they fought back this time and this one victory will change everything.

 

"do you understand what this means?" seungwan gasps, kicking her legs excitedly, "we can win, joohyun!"

 

certainly, they would have a whole new set of problems to work through but seungwan's elation is infectious and joohyun finds herself cracking into a small smile. "yes, i do.”

 

seungwan nods vigorously and her exhilaration is bursting at the seams. after multiple setbacks do they finally have a miracle — a weapon to fight back the hordes of titans. the truth would be unravelled within her lifetime, that is something seungwan is sure of. she would soon be able to prove to joohyun that the ocean is real.

 

with kang seulgi on humanity’s side, they have so much to do. the young recruit shares the need to return to wall maria, back to shiganshina, the source of it all — the secrets of the titans lie in her father’s basement. 

 

that night, when she sits with seungwan, for the first time in a long time, joohyun sees the wide-eyed recruit from all those years ago. whatever fatigue or weariness that plagued the commander before, it’s all gone now. hopefulness looks beautiful on her, the captain remarks softly and seungwan blushes. with the moonlight shining down on them, seungwan returns the compliment with a soft kiss on joohyun’s cheek.

 

“come over.” seungwan asks with a nervous smile, one that reminds her of their very first dinner in town together. 

 

biting the inside of her cheeks, the captain acknowledges her with a side-eye. “you snore.”

 

“you could’ve just said no instead of hurting me like this.” the commander pouts.

 

joohyun merely shrugs as she gets up, dusting her pants in the process. “i think my room is a lot cleaner. are you coming?”

 

seungwan beams and trails behind her. the stars have aligned and she feels hopeful about their future. all along she’s been driven by her dreams, but with joohyun, she realises that when she finally turns them into a reality, she wants to share that happiness with someone.

 

together, they will go. and together, they will fight and rage and endure until their dreams are no longer mere fantasies.

 

---

 

“joohyun?”

 

the dark-haired woman clenches her jaw as she barges into seungwan’s room. intruding was the last thing on her mind when she made her way to the commander’s room, she just doesn’t want to be alone tonight.

 

joohyun hears the door click shut and the next thing she registers is seungwan guiding them towards her bed. 

 

“do you want to talk about it?”

 

“no.”

 

“can i do anything to help?”

 

“i don’t want to think about her.”

 

it’s been a week since yongsun’s death and it ing hurts. she tries to repress it, but her anguish is overflowing, threatening to wreck the stoic front she’s put on. grief will run its course eventually, but tonight, she just wants it to stop hurting for a while.

 

seungwan is hesitant with her touches; her fingers dance over the fabric of joohyun's clothes. the captain doesn't think twice when she yanks the commander by the collar and presses their lips together. seungwan doesn’t pull back; she deepens it with an equal amount of force and she only stops when she finds herself straddling the captain. 

 

a tense silence hangs in the air and seungwan asks quietly, “are you sure?”

 

joohyun nods as she looks to the commander, clutching her arm with trembling hands. “yes.” joohyun’s eyes darken with an unknown intensity as she swallows, “ me.”

 

it’s strange how she thinks she’s grown desensitized to death but when it comes to the person she’s known for years, her grief comes in waves. losing someone means you’d have to adjust to a life without them, find ways to fill the places they used to fill, and settle for the fact that all you’re left with is the fragments of them.

 

yongsun will always have a special place in her heart, no matter what. they grew up in the underground together, despite being the same age, yongsun would always look out for her. she taught her how to fight and survive, even at the expense of her own survival. and when the chance came for her to leave joohyun behind to pursue a better life, she demanded for the military to take joohyun in as well. who knows where she would be without yongsun? her corpse would be eaten by rats a long time ago.

 

her death stings for reasons that joohyun cannot verbalize. it just does.

 

she doesn't think of what yongsun’s last thoughts could’ve been, she thinks about how soft seungwan's lips are. she forces away the feeling of distress when they find yongsun's body split in more parts than she dares to count. and the worst feeling of it all — when byulyi reports that part of her maneuvering gear is nowhere to be found but her blades are still sharp. this mystery keeps her awake because joohyun knows that yongsun was more than capable of defending herself against multiple titans. what exactly happened to her friend?

 

she won’t let it haunt her tonight. instead, she takes every bad thought and replaces it with seungwan. how it feels when seungwan draws a line down her collarbone, how it feels to be loved by her.  

 

the commander makes quick work of her shirt, tossing it aside before diving to pepper kisses down her chest. seungwan is gentle and rough all at once, she doesn’t want to hurt joohyun, but she’ll do enough to distract her from the pain of losing a friend. her hands roam over the bare skin of joohyun’s body, learning every curve, tracing every scar.

 

her fingers eventually find their way between her thighs and joohyun’s pleasure-filled shiver encourages her to continue. it’s hard to see joohyun with how dark it is tonight, but seungwan feels the captain jolt and whimper under her and she focuses on that.

 

yongsun’s death shocked the entire scouting regiment, the recruits that were with her insisted that she had all her gear when they separated from her. she fears that one day she would find joohyun just like that — her body mutilated beyond recognition and with no explanation whatsoever. 

 

but joohyun is still alive now — breathing, quaking underneath her, with hands entangling into her hair as if to hold her close. she listens as her breaths turn ragged and heavy and it’s all she’s willing to hear, all she needs to hear. the captain gradually gets closer and she demands for more, pulling seungwan closer so that she can kiss her as she comes undone.

 

joohyun crashes over the edge, unfurling underneath the commander. seungwan doesn’t hesitate to leave more tender kisses down the side of her jaw, easing her off the edge. when the aftershocks dissipates and she comes down from her high, the grief returns. 

 

she falls apart before the only one that has ever known her. her eyes well up with tears and they come in boundless waves. seungwan cradles her gently, patting her soothingly in rhythmic motions until she falls asleep.

 

joohyun spends more nights in seungwan’s room, sometimes they’d , oftentimes she just wants to be held. it doesn’t stop hurting when she thinks of yongsun, but it’s a little more bearable when she’s in seungwan’s arms.

 

---

 

things only get harder following the death of yongsun, everything ranging from a military uprising to finding out that there are more titan shifters just like kang seulgi. it starts to take a toll on seungwan, though she tries to hide it when she’s around joohyun. worrying wouldn’t help them win against their enemies.

 

a familiar sound of gas emitting from the 3D maneuver gear draws joohyun out of her thoughts. the commander perches herself sideways just beside her, exchanging a quick smile.

 

"is there a spot for me?"

 

"there’s always a seat for you." joohyun pats the space beside her lightly.

 

the blonde sits cross-legged beside her and joohyun instinctively rests her head against seungwan's arm.

 

the nights are when joohyun feels the safest, seungwan merely amplifies that comfort. after years of missions and expeditions, seungwan has no stories left of the world beyond so they either talk about this or that, or they sit in silence.

 

right now, they’re in a secure location just past wall rose, overseeing byulyi’s experiments with seulgi. the scouting regiment managed to get custody of the recruit when joohyun openly beat her up in front of the court. not that she ever felt bad about it, though seungwan apologized on her behalf. it got the job done, she would retort, it showed that humanity could still be able to control kang seulgi.

 

they are long past that now, and better things await them. 

 

"what will you do after you get to the ocean?" joohyun breaks the silence with her question.

 

“i want to touch the stars.”

 

the captain scoffs, eyeing the glimmering sky above them. a dream that will remain impossible until they eradicate every single titan off the surface of this earth.

 

“if we can dream of the world beyond this cage, what’s so absurd about dreaming about the stars above?” seungwan counters with a nudge.

 

“how will you even get there?”

 

“when i find out, i’ll let you know and maybe you’ll come with me.”

 

“now you’re being absurd.”

 

“that’s what you thought when i told you i wanted to see what was at the edge of the horizon all those years ago.” the commander teases, “and now? we’re one step closer than we were yesterday. tomorrow, we will be one step closer than we are today.”

 

“was i supposed to believe someone who thinks there is a big lake filled with salt beyond these walls?” joohyun rolls her eyes sarcastically. 

 

she can’t deny she doubted the blonde and thought she was insane at the start. but she’s come to understand after many missions and expeditions that seungwan isn’t like this, this is the person she has to be for the good of humanity. she has wondered how the commander is able to do the things she does. intellect bordering on insanity, that could be the definition of son seungwan. yet in moments like these, she sees the dreamer in her, the child that believes that there is a bigger world beyond the walls.

 

she sees the truth of the ruthless commander of the scouting regiment — a small girl who isn’t afraid to dream.

 

“it’s called the ocean. and one day, bae joohyun, when we get there, you will know i’m right and deem me the smartest human alive.”

 

“no one likes a know-it-all.”

 

“it’s a shame you haven’t fallen in love with me yet.”

 

joohyun extends her leg out forcefully, kicking the blonde off the tree. she hears a surprised yelp before it's followed by the sound of the wires digging into the bark of the tree. the captain peers over the edge to find seungwan dangling from her cables with a goofy smile.

 

“mark my words, joohyun! first i’ll show you the ocean and the next i’ll bring you the stars!”

 

---

 

fighting in the war against titans means carrying despair on your shoulders, joohyun knows that all too well. the guilt, the hopelessness, the ing misery of it all, weighs much too heavily on her soul tonight. being in the scouts regiment for as long as she has, death is a constant in every mission, especially under the command of son seungwan.

 

son seungwan has thrown away the lives of countless soldiers, and joohyun has been with her every single time. yet, there’s an inexplicable ache in her chest at the thought of seungwan throwing her own life away. the last expedition almost stole her life; the commander was lucky to get away with sacrificing an arm. the next time, she might not be as lucky.

 

"you are going to die out there." joohyun states. 

 

she knows it, seungwan knows it. they embark on the mission to retake wall maria tomorrow night and joohyun is trying her damndest to stop the commander. seungwan didn't need to be on the front lines, with an arm missing, she's guaranteed to be a liability. even with joohyun by her side, there’s no certainty that she will be able to protect her. they could have all the plans and strategies in the world, but more often than not, plans go awry.

 

the blonde woman is quiet, staring out the window with a pensive gaze, as if she is trying to take it all in before she leaves.

 

"then i hope you'll dream of me."

 

seeing the faintest tug of her lip in the reflection of the window sends joohyun into a fit of anger. in a swift motion, the soldier grabs her commander by the collar and shoves her against the nearest wall. pinning down the greatest mind of humanity would usually be met with a flirtatious remark, but today, seungwan remains silent.

 

she stares at joohyun with those piercing blue eyes that seem to see into her being. how she wishes it were true, then seungwan would know how her soul trembles at the thought of losing her.

 

"is this what will you die for?" the soldier snarls, "for whatever lies in the basement?” 

 

“it’s for the good of humanity, hyun.”

 

joohyun tenses up at the nickname, she only ever used it in their most intimate moments. but she knows her too well, ten years they’ve spent together — this isn't for humanity, this is for her dreams. ultimately, the fervent pursuit of truth will lead her to her end.

 

the soldier presses her arm harder into the commander’s chest, “you know damn well that is a lie! if you had any consideration for humanity, you would remain here with your ing head intact!”

 

seungwan deflates under her hold, her right arm rises and clasps lightly around joohyun’s. neither of them asked for this yet they carry the burden of saving the world in their hearts. in the guilt enshrouded with hopelessness, they find strength with each other. it matters not that seungwan is a cold-hearted devil in the eyes of the common folk, as long as joohyun stands with her, she will not stop.

 

and joohyun sees the light in those bright blue eyes when the commander speaks of the world beyond the walls. she decided a long time ago that seungwan was worth believing in, but when death looms over their heads, she wonders if she’s made a mistake.

 

grinding her teeth, the soldier relaxes her grip and her arms flop heavily to her sides. she averts her gaze from the commander, seungwan will not listen.

 

“to know the truth is all i can wish for, joohyun.” seungwan murmurs, reaching out for the dark-haired woman’s hand, “will you stop me now that it is so close?”

 

this is everything seungwan has lived for — that one day she will unravel the secrets of this world. the arrival of kang seulgi and her titan powers have brought them closer to the truth than they’ve ever been. her dream is within reach and joohyun should be the last person to stop her.

 

“what happens after?” joohyun’s voice quivers as she steps away from the commander. the uncertainty of the operation bores a hole in her chest, there are so many different scenarios that thinking about the future seems pointless. if they made it to shiganshina and find the basement destroyed? or if they fail to plug the breach in the wall? 

 

or seungwan dies?

 

what happens then?

 

“i don’t know, hyun.” seungwan replies in a small voice. she’s never dreamt beyond learning the answers, everything after that is a blank sheet. if she couldn’t even calculate the outcome of a mission, how would she know what the future entails?

 

“but i like to think that you will be by my side still.”

 

they live in a ty ing world, joohyun thinks. and seungwan, despite the darkness that comes with her dreams and duty, still finds a way to be a light in joohyun’s world. a small reassurance is the best that the commander can offer; anymore than that would end in a broken promise.

 

they do not speak of love or final words either, with the weight of humanity in their hands, they could not be distracted. maybe one day, when they can relinquish their roles as the champions of the human race, will they truly know the value of each other.

 

but tomorrow, seungwan will ride for shiganshina. 

 

and she will not return.

 

---

 

the operation goes awry when the worst of their nightmares appear — the beast titan. it showers boulders upon boulders down upon them and the aged houses are not enough to protect them for long. something has to be done, seungwan refuses to let her soldiers die without a fight. she pulls joohyun aside to share her plan, to which the captain reacts strongly against.

 

"i won't let you die for me."

 

"i'm not dying for you, hyun." seungwan quips, taking a seat on a sturdy crate, "if i do, it'd be for humanity."

 

a lie.

 

joohyun crumples before the commander. she didn't care if the soldiers saw her — what else could she possibly lose when they are about to come face to face with death? she would throw everything away if it meant that seungwan would live. 

 

she clutches the fabric of seungwan's cloak, "don't do this, please."

 

they aren't champions of the human race any longer, not when their enemies are humans themselves. joohyun doesn't know what they are anymore — dreamers, perhaps. maybe that's why their dreams will remain dreams.

 

"we have to do this." seungwan runs a hand through the captain's hair tenderly. "i need you to do this."

 

"what about the ocean?" the captain looks up only to see seungwan's withered eyes.

 

she's tired, not because of physical fatigue but rather an exhaustion that's built up from being humanity’s very own demon. the wide-eyed recruit from years ago has been replaced by a seasoned commander, hardened by the horrors she's seen and committed over the years. even the reignited hope that came with kang seulgi has long diminished. 

 

"you want to see the ocean, don't you?" joohyun slams her fist against seungwan's thigh. "the ing stars? what happened to all of that?"

 

the commander exhales slowly, blinking away her tears. "i wouldn't be here if i didn't want to."

 

knowing what's truly beyond the walls has been her lifelong dream, but somewhere along the way, things changed. 

 

joohyun may have scoffed like everyone else when she first heard of the ocean, but she believed in her.

 

a comrade, confidant — companion. joohyun is all of those things and more. 

 

she was given the responsibility of leading the war against titans; the monumental burden of saving humanity. it was much too heavy for her to bear on her own, and joohyun was her saving grace in all this chaos. seungwan would never be able to repay all that she has done, but maybe, to be able to give her a life beyond these cages would be enough.

 

if her death and the deaths of all these soldiers meant that joohyun could live, then she would ride into battle willingly.

 

"believe in me." the words come out raw, almost pleading. after everything joohyun has done for her, this is her most selfish request.

 

give up on your dreams and hold mine close; let me go for my life is all that i have left to give.

 

the captain trembles before her. bubbling in her chest is a garbled mix of emotions, she too, is torn between choosing her duty and her dreams. between slaughtering the beast titan and getting seungwan out alive.

 

“is this what you really want?”

 

“yes.”

 

although the commander has seemingly made her choice, joohyun knows that if she says no, seungwan could still make it home. but her dream is a selfish one, maybe they aren't so different after all. 

 

if seungwan is willing to let go, then so will she.

 

"go.” joohyun’s voice trembles, but she will not waver. “go and lead them. i will kill the beast titan."

 

go, this hell will not need you any longer. this world has never needed you more than i did but still, i will make you choose it over me.

 

seungwan smiles, the burden of humanity has been lifted off her shoulders. every life she's sacrificed for her selfish wants will be paid back with her own. 

 

she leans in to leave a gentle peck against joohyun's forehead. "thank you."

 

"all i ask…” joohyun starts in a quiet, lingering whisper, “is that you wait for me. can you do that?"

 

i will seek to make your dreams a reality but let me right this world before i bring the oceans to you. so please, wait for me till i can join you.

 

"where would i go without you?”

 

paradise can wait, because it does not matter where i go, i would not know of happiness without you. 

 

they part ways for what might be the last time. the deaths of her comrades, the deaths of her beloved friends — they were all out of her control. even if she fought till her bones shattered, she couldn’t have kept them out of death’s grasp.

 

this time it is different. she could finally do something but she’s forced to let go. how could she ever let seungwan go?

 

love has always been present, it makes joohyun her heart soar, but it also makes her grit her teeth when she spots a flash of blonde at the tip of the vanguard. she swallows her grief when the signal flares go off. it's a cruel consolation; at least she would not have to witness the death of her dreams.

 

her hatred boils, they would not know a happy ending, not because they weren't made for it but rather they were robbed of it. the cries of the soldiers mask her anguish and she lands a succession of precise strikes.

 

go, and i will rid this hell of every demon, even if i end up as one myself. 

 

---

 

joohyun fails to kill the beast titan.

 

the human within still breathes and joohyun is in disbelief. she lost seungwan, only to fail? if she didn't hesitate, if she had fully let seungwan go, maybe that bastard would be dead.

 

she scoffs incredulously as she swaps her dull blades for fresh ones. she'll live today, go on to tomorrow, and she'll find another way to keep her promise.

 

she soars into the skies as the titans descend upon her and leaves nothing but destruction in her wake.

 

she will find another way.

 

with the beast titan long gone, joohyun makes her way back to the walls. she spares some time to scan the carnage to see if anyone is still alive. with a single glance, considering the extent of the mutilation on the bodies, it’s easy to say that there are no survivors. still, she tried, but no one responded or moved when she called out. she doesn’t find seungwan either which could only mean that her body is crushed beyond recognition.

 

her chest twinges and she feels the familiar ache in her jaw. she could not have seungwan, in life or in death. but at the very least, this hell has nothing more that it can take from her. she would let it take her life too — after she kills the beast titan.

 

the captain scales the wall with the last of her gas, her muscles burn from the physical exertion but she pushes it aside. it’s a relief to not come face to face with the colossal titan, she could only assume that the rest of them succeeded in apprehending the armored and colossal titans. 

 

peering over the edge, the last thing she expects to see is the human within the beast titan.

 

she will find another way.  

 

she desperately wants to fly towards it but her body will not cooperate. she manages to stagger off the edge of the wall, diving down with the intent to kill. she will find another way. the beast titan and its companion start to make their escape but it will not stop her. she will find another way.

 

the captain lands on a roof of a partially destroyed building, barely registering seulgi’s presence. in the haze of her bloodlust, she still manages to demand for the soldier’s gas and blades. the figure of their enemies are slowly shrinking in the distance but she could still catch up. it doesn’t matter how exhausted her body is, she will catch up and she will kill that er.

 

"captain! i-i need the injection!" seulgi's cries out as she struggles with her equipment.

 

the titan shifter's pleading snaps her out of her trance. she turns to seulgi with a blank look, surveying the area, she catches sight of the charred corpse behind the distraught titan shifter. no, not a corpse, she could still see a slight rise and fall of their chest. to seulgi’s side lies the body of cho miyeon with all limbs severed.   

 

seulgi hands her gas canisters over with trembling hands, "it's sooyoung! please! give me the injection so we can save her!”

 

joohyun stiffens; reaching for the black box that seungwan entrusted to her. the moment she hands the box over, it would mean that son seungwan is truly dead. she had every intention of using it on the commander, but seeing as how she could not even locate her ruined body, she starts to come to terms with this reality.

 

seungwan is dead.

 

and she has to let go.

 

she’s numb; the grief does not set in yet but the despair does. seungwan’s death would mean that all things bright and beautiful have disappeared along with her. yet, she will not mourn her loss, survival takes precedence over her grief.

 

"c-captain joohyun!"

 

joohyun snaps her head to the sound of the voice, a scout clambers up the roof with a body strapped to his back. blonde hair is all she sees and her heart swells with hope, maybe?

 

the captain withdraws the box and turns her attention away. pulling the scout up with ease, she unstraps the body from his back. the body rolls to the side, bleeding and bruised.

 

there she lay, barely breathing. despite her body being a mangled mess, it is still the commander. her breathing hitches and joohyun crumbles to her knees.

 

she waited. 

 

it feels like the wind has been knocked out of her lungs. she doesn't dare to breathe, fearing that if she even takes the slightest breath, seungwan would be stolen away again. the beast titan will escape but it’s okay, she can make it up to seungwan.

 

"t-the commander ..! i can't stop her bleeding!" the scout cries, "i tried everything but she's too wounded!"

 

time slows as the captain inches closer to seungwan. pulling her head onto her lap, she checks for a pulse. her body is still warm, breathing. seungwan is still alive. she registers the presence of more soldiers joining them, probably the remnants of byulyi’s squad.

 

"she's still alive." she mutters as relief washes over her.

 

you will see the ocean, and i will be by your side. you will tell me more absurd stories and dreams. you will live, and i will be right there with you.

 

"what about sooyoung?" seulgi demands, "weren't you going to save her?"

 

joohyun snaps her head to the brunette, "do you understand what you're asking from me?" she asks quietly.

 

“yes but you were going to save sooyoung!” she cries out.

 

she gently removes seungwan's head from her lap, tucking her cloak under her head as a cushion. standing, the captain walks calmly towards seulgi before performing a roundhouse kick to her head.

 

the titan shifter slams against the tiles with such force that it shatters into a small crater. kim yerim is in front of her in a blink of an eye, pressing a blade to but joohyun doesn't even flinch. she eyes the soldiers around her, looking in horror at the situation unfolding before them.

 

"you ing idiots are telling me to save park sooyoung over the commander of the scouts? are you out of your ing minds?" she booms loudly. in a swift move, she ducks and disarms yerim, pinning her hands to her back as she tackles the soldier.

 

no one moves an inch, except byulyi who rushes to get joohyun off the poor soldier. considering the gravity of the situation, the last thing they should be doing is fighting but no, these ing soldiers had the audacity to question her choices. 

 

"are you trying to tell me that there is someone more important than commander seungwan?” the captain grinds her teeth, “if you had any consideration for humanity, you wouldn’t be fighting me at all.” as quiet as her voice is, her rage seeps into every word, she refuses to lose seungwan, not now or ever.

 

“but sooyoung can be just as brilliant!” yerim shouts and struggles despite byulyi restraining her, “how many times has her wit saved us? wasn’t it her idea to travel at night? she was the reason we managed to save trost!”

 

the victory of trost makes joohyun remember the look on seungwan’s face that night. her absolute glee at the very thought of being able to fight back against the titans. the happiness she exuded that night, it was the one and only time she ever saw the commander happy.

 

“p-please captain! sooyoung deserves to live!” seulgi begs, blood and snot dribbles down her face but joohyun doesn’t even react.

 

“so does the commander.” joohyun grits her teeth. the fact that seungwan never asked for any of this makes her blood boil. she’s just a girl with big dreams, she deserves to live too. 

 

seulgi grunts as she crawls towards the captain, a few of her teeth have been knocked out by joohyun but they’ll regrow within a day. “sooyoung will never replace the commander… but she’s the one who’s going to take us further… she’s the one that will save humanity...” seulgi mumbles with a choked sob.

 

she’s the one that will save humanity, the same cannot be said for seungwan, joohyun knows it too well. in all the years that she’s known her, as gentle as she may be, she has been capable of many morally questionable decisions. decisions that gambled with the progression of humanity. and joohyun stood by her, supporting her in every one. they are deemed the champions of humanity, but at the same time, their hands are soaked in the blood of their comrades, in the people they are supposed to save.

 

yerim struggles and nods, “she might be annoying at times but she’s smart and selfless! she’s not like us, we all want to kill titans but all she cares for is the betterment of humanity!”

 

the captain cannot swear her life on the promise that seungwan will do the same. even coming along on this operation, it wasn’t for humanity. seungwan will bring them to the ocean, but how many lives will she throw away just to get there?

 

“you’ll never be ready when it comes to saying goodbye.” byulyi’s voice cracks as she interjects into the conversation, “you can never willingly let them go, not when you come up blank when you try to picture a world without their existence.”

 

joohyun tightens her jaw when she hears the sorrow in her tone. they were the ones that suffered the brunt of yongsun’s mysterious and brutal death; it’s been months and still they hurt all the same. how much more would she hurt if she lets the commander die?

 

“but you’ll do it anyway, because it’s only a matter of time until you have to say farewell. no matter how hard we try, the best we can do is not let their deaths go in vain.” the researcher mumbles. her grip on yerim loosens as the girl stops writhing in her arms.

 

joohyun pulls the black box out of her jacket once again, holding it tight before she orders everyone to scram. byulyi tosses her one last look before yanking yerim away with the others.

 

the answer to who will save humanity lies in her hands, who will be the hero?

 

with everyone away from her, nobody can see how badly her hands are trembling. all the words she’s heard are making her second guess her choice. is she saving seungwan for her sake or the sake of humanity? if she brings seungwan back, can she really save humanity? or is joohyun merely bringing her back so she can achieve her dreams?

 

while she struggles to get the serum into the syringe, seungwan lets out a barely audible moan.

 

"i'm here, seungwan." joohyun kneels beside the commander. "it's gonna be okay, just hang on."

 

the blonde opens her eyes and stares at joohyun with a half-lidded gaze. she tries with extra urgency to extract the serum and this time she succeeds. she reaches for seungwan's arm, pulling aside her sleeve to expose her skin.

 

"h-hyun…"

 

"don't be afraid. i'll see you when you wake up, okay?" the captain reassures with a small smile.

 

pressing the needle onto a vein, joohyun steadies her hand to inject the serum. at the corner of her eye, she sees the burnt body of sooyoung and hesitates. seulgi’s words tug at her conscience, she’s the one that will save humanity.

 

a sudden push causes joohyun to turn her attention back to the commander. seungwan, despite barely being conscious, has shrugged her hand away from the needle.

 

"seungwan?"

 

"n-no…"

 

joohyun clenches the syringe tightly, no? she watches her beloved commander for a moment and notices that a single tear has slid down her cheek. she had made the choice for seungwan to die and now she wants to save her. it's ironic, but love has never made her a logical person.

 

as much as humanity needs her, as much as the captain needs her, she finally sees that bringing her back into this hell when she finally has a chance to be freed is nothing short of cruel.

 

humanity has the likes of kang seulgi, park sooyoung and kim yerim now. the commander that has led them further than ever before should be allowed to rest. joohyun will see that she is not brought back even if they need her, she wouldn’t allow the world to hurt her anymore than they already have.

 

“go, go and die.”

 

she bids farewell to son seungwan with her lips pressing onto her forehead. with that, any comfort and love she’s ever known will vanish right before her eyes.

 

she injects the serum into sooyoung's arm even if it's the last thing she wants to do. seungwan will die, but she will be free. it's a selfish choice, to stake humanity on a chance that sooyoung will be better and more. nobody will ever love her like joohyun does. all they see is commander son, but joohyun sees son seungwan for more than her brilliance. 

 

the captain carries the body of the commander to regroup with the rest. she doesn't pay any attention to sooyoung’s shifting, she will have this moment. 

 

the gradual rise and fall of her chest has stilled and joohyun traces her hands down seungwan's jaw, memorizing every little detail before she disintegrates into a pile of bones. will this be the only memory that comes up when she thinks of seungwan? maybe. but seungwan has taught her the wonders of dreams, she has brought more comfort than joohyun ever knew that she was capable of feeling. even now, she learns that there is a tangible definition of serenity and it is plastered on the commander’s face.

 

it does not matter what memory comes up when she thinks of seungwan, they’re all precious to her even if some of them gnaw at her soul.

 

"you chose sooyoung." byulyi states quietly.

 

there’s so many reasons at the top of her head, like humanity doesn’t deserve her, or seungwan begged to be let go, or just a simple because i loved her. but she keeps it all inside and merely nods.

 

---

 

the rest of the mission passes in a blur, they reach the basement and they find out the truth. joohyun listens for the sake of her duty, after all, her dreams have died along with seungwan. 

 

their victorious return to wall rose marks a new beginning for mankind. joohyun avoids all the festivities, instead she hides away in seungwan’s empty room, grasping at the ghost of the commander.

 

byulyi takes over as the new commander of the scouts as named by seungwan before they departed on the mission. it's a heavy burden that they will hold on to until the fighting ceases. when one commander falls, another will rise to take up the mantle. would they ever come close to what seungwan achieved in her time? not at all.

 

byulyi knows she could never live up to her predecessor — son seungwan was one of a kind. but still, she lives on and she tries, joohyun shares the burden with her in silence.

 

joohyun doesn’t shed a single tear at the funeral. she never does, not because she's trying to put on a strong front but because grief is the furthest thing she feels. indignance — it fills her soul to the very brim. her comrades’ lives have always been justified under the guise of progression and she’s never questioned it until seungwan’s death.

 

with all the bodies retrieved and wall maria secured, humanity takes a leap into the future. it should be a monumental time for them, but all joohyun feels is a persistent ache. the future joohyun dreamt of, the future seungwan died for, is there really a point now that she was gone? everything she wanted to see with her, she sees them by her lonesome.

 

the first time she sees the ocean, she chokes up at the sight of it. she just knew that seungwan would've loved the ocean. she hears the commander’s playful i told you so echoing in her head.

 

she would have loved feeling the grains of sand beneath her feet, the scent of brine that hangs heavily in the air — she would've loved everything beyond the walls. the waves ebbing and flowing would be a beautiful symphony to her ears. bitter is what she is, that seungwan was robbed of such a magnificence. 

 

but seungwan died a hero, she died for humanity. and joohyun thinks that she will too.

 

they set up a new outpost at the docks and joohyun requested that she be stationed there until she is needed elsewhere. being close to the ocean provides some comfort and the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore is the closest she’s going to get to filling the void of seungwan.

 

byulyi joins her one night, just before they start on a new operation in the coming days. they reminisce about the days before the fall of the wall, about the amazing people that they loved and of freedom and living. it’s the most raw and honest she’s ever been since she lost seungwan, after all, it’s not like seungwan could be there to listen to her woes. she bares her heart out to byulyi and the commander listens and does the same.

 

“i never told her how much she meant to me.”

 

byulyi hums, “would you have brought her back to tell her?”

 

joohyun scoffs wryly, kicking away at some sand. “some days i think about how things would be like with her, then i think of the burdens we have to shoulder now. the only thing i regret is not loving her to my fullest but no, i wouldn’t bring her back, even if she wanted me to.”

 

“now that’s loving her, isn’t it?” byulyi smiles, “you must really hate someone to bring them back into this hell.”

 

joohyun glances at the researcher. “i guess you’re right.” 

 

“and for what it’s worth, she knew. she never told you either but you were equally as important to her. anyone with eyes could see, let alone me with my one eye.” byulyi teases before her tone shifts to a more solemn one, “if you loved her any more than you did, we wouldn’t be here today.”

 

byulyi speaks the truth and joohyun knows in her heart. her dreams, despite being mostly centered around seungwan, would not come true if the good of humanity didn’t take precedence. they would never get this far if they let their feelings get in the way of their duty.

 

“love her as much as you want now, you don’t need to hold back anymore. you did a good job, joohyun, and seungwan would’ve been proud of you.”

 

with a pat on her back, byulyi leaves her to her thoughts. still, she doesn’t cry. joohyun sits, and resents the fact that she had to restrain herself from loving seungwan. the days before the fall of wall maria were her happiest, even if it didn’t feel like it. but how was she to know that a world without titans would be much worse? that the death of seungwan would make her feel like she'll never know bliss again?

 

the truth is, joohyun has no need for freedom, or a life free of fighting or enemies. she would give it all up to hear seungwan’s stories again, just to hear her marvel at the miracles of the world — it would put her soul at ease. the quiet nights they spent together, she wishes she had pleaded for seungwan to tell her all the things she already knew. that way, she wouldn’t have to fear how she might forget the sound of her voice. in all their conversations, they’ve rarely talked about death. it just didn’t make sense to, because all they ever wanted is to live.

 

she wishes they did, maybe seungwan would tell her how to cope. it’s hard to tell what kind of a person she was with seungwan but she knows exactly who she is without her. and it’s worse, all the best parts of her are gone. but the stars will still shine, and the ocean will never dry out. the world has shattered and broke her but still, with the fragments of seungwan that she holds close to her heart, she’ll carry on — for humanity’s sake or the commander’s sacrifice, it does not matter.

 

you were equally as important to her.

 

she will keep going and the commander will live on — she will make it so. and wherever she ends up, she trusts that seungwan will be there, waiting for her.

 

---

end notes:

PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I'VE CRIED OVER ERWIN'S DEATH SCENE JUST TO WRITE THIS.

what started as a harmless little brain rot spiralled into this monstrosity and boy, what have i done. honestly, i kept thinking if eruri's relationship was anything but platonic, how much more would it hurt? and then boom. this is probably my longest and angstiest one shot for wr, i couldn't bear to write major character death for them but things changed hehe. would really love to hear some feedback because i think some of my best words are in here and idk i unconsciously turned into a fluff writer for wr but i think my true calling lies in angst :/

so thank you for reading this angst monstrosity of mine, maybe their relationship will haunt you as much as eruri haunts me.

wrote a lot of this to some lofi/asmr but i’ve also got a couple of songs:
taeyong - blue
lexie liu - hide and seek
alina baraz - trust (i think this is a song but i can’t tell and i don’t care it just has really nice vibes)