T H I R T Y – E I G H T

Word of the Day – “Beat"

It was Kyungsoo’s first time to visit the grave with Miyoung. He had always gone with Wonsuk, just because the man always insisted. Knowing what was going to happen later today, he had wished they had done it before. It was special to him. Despite that Mrs. Ra was obviously not physically around anymore, he still felt like he was about to be introduced by his girlfriend to her mother for the first time—and that was a big deal, at least, in his opinion.

“It’s pretty chilly, eh?” Miyoung chuckled, interrupting his train of thoughts—or more like, anxiety. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t her father be a ing man and tell her such a piece of information himself? Of course, Kyungsoo still wanted to be by her side when that happened but he felt like it was unfair that he found out about it first before she even did.

“I’m not too bad. Do you want my sweater too? I’m also wearing long sleeves anyway.” Kyungsoo offered, already slipping off of his sweater. Miyoung was quick to kindly decline the offer and hugged her arms around the blanket they brought, a shy smile forming on her face. They finally arrived at the top of the hill where Miyoung’s mother was rested. “Hey, Mom. I’m here.” Miyoung greeted while waving at the headstone. “This is my boyfriend, Doh Kyungsoo—uhm, you’ve met him for sure, he’s been here before. With Dad.” She shrugged casually.

Kyungsoo widened his eyes while looking around. “Uh, that’s … terrifying. I hope that’s not the case. If we’ve met before and I didn’t even know means I don’t have a third-eye, but I don’t want to jinx it now—oh my god, don’t give me a third eye, Mrs. Ra. It’s a pleasure … not meeting you? That sounds completely rude but … you know that’s not what I mean, right?” He joked making his girlfriend laugh. For a while … he had to see that smile. He had to see her face lit up like that. Once Kyungsoo revealed the truth, everything was going to change, whether he liked it or not.

Miyoung laid the picnic blanket on the grass and settled herself first. Kyungsoo then placed the bouquet of flowers he held in front of the stone before plopping down beside his girlfriend.

“You know … I always miss her, even if I’ve never met her.” Miyoung softly chuckled as she stared at the headstone. For the longest time, growing up, Kyungsoo always felt the same for his non-existent potential adoptive parents—and of course, the thought of his real parents was always included. That feeling of waiting for someone to come into your life, not ever knowing whether they were actually coming or not. That was his life in the orphanage for a long time until he grew older and eventually realized that … it was hopeless.

I gave you life, Doh Kyungsoo. A life that you would have never had if I didn’t find you like a lost alley cat eating cake at the back of my restaurant.

And for a while, he actually thought it was Ra Wonsuk. He was the only family he’d ever had since leaving the orphanage. He took him in, fed him, bought him clothes, gave him a job, supported his dream. Up until this morning, he didn’t know it costed something for Wonsuk. It wasn’t free after all. It was completely conditional. I’ll do you a big favour if you bow down to me like a dog—that was basically what the man wanted and had made him do for the past fifteen years.

“Are you okay?” Miyoung tapped him on the cheek and the coldness of her palm making him jolt a little. Kyungsoo looked down, a solemn chuckle touching the corners of his lips as he tried to rub them off with his fingers. “You thi—you think I’d be a chef if … you know if I didn’t—” He stopped when he felt Miyoung’s fingers wrapping around his and regardless of how cold her skin was, he felt warm all over.

Shaking his own misery away, he tried to focus back on the main reason he wanted to take her here. This was about her. He needed to put aside whatever he was feeling at the moment. She needed him and she would need him even more after this.

“Kyungsoo, you see, my father might have boosted you up but everything that happened to you came from your hard work. I don’t exactly know what he said but … I told you, don’t believe it.” Miyoung stared at the headstone again. “For the longest time, the only thing that mattered to me was what he thought; his preference, his opinions … his standards. They mattered to me so much to the point that I do—I don’t even know myself anymore, like what I really want and how I really want things to go for me.” She turned to him again, tears clumping on the corners of her eyes.

It was becoming harder and harder to begin. How was Kyungsoo supposed to break such news to her? That the person she revolved her world around wasn’t even related to her and worst of it all … the man kept it from her, for such a selfish reason.

Miyoung sighed heavily as she looked up to the gloomy sky. “But he’s still my dad, no matter what. I know in my heart that I still care about him a lot … but this time, I just want to care about myself more, whether he supports me or not.” A bitter smile trembled on her lips.  Kyungsoo looked away and clenched tightly on his knees. “I want to go back to my art. I want to remind myself that—” She chuckled as she looked at him. “—that I’m good at it and there’s no reason for me to let it go. Mom would like that for me, I’m sure.”

She was starting to regain optimism. What if this revelation set her off back to where she was again? What if this discouraged her to help herself for the better? What if this changed everything for the worse?

What ifs had never been stronger. Kyungsoo knew it was going to be hard but not this much. But he had to do it. He shouldn’t hold it off any longer otherwise it was just going to hurt her, even more, when she did find out. What exactly was the best way to break it to her? Was there a rule book for this? Dos and Don’ts? Was this supposed to be a step-by-step process? Maybe if she were a kid, it would have been easy to do it slowly—ironically.   

“Okay—I can’t do this anymore. What is it, Doh Kyungsoo?” Miyoung suddenly asked with a sharp tone, frustration building up in her expression. “There’s something going on in that head of yours. Can you just tell me? I can see right through you.” She added, hugging her knees closer to her chest. Kyungsoo’s head dropped in terror as he brushed a hand across his hair.

Was he too obvious? Well, who wouldn’t be? This was a very serious matter that could affect all of the twenty-four years of Miyoung’s life and could hoard even more questions and doubts about herself.  

Kyungsoo looked up again and stared at the headstone. Help me, Mrs. Ra. He mentally prayed that somehow, Miyoung’s mother could guide him in some ways. “Miyoung, I—I’m so sorry but I’m just gonna go straight at it.” He let out the words and they automatically sounded wrong in his ears so he closed his eyes. “If you were a kid, I could have started this much slower but you’re not so, uhm … your mother underwent artificial insemination to conceive you. With a donor. Your dad had problems like—you know, impotence.” He kept his eyes closed, much tighter this time, as he turned away.

The silence made him feel cold all over. It would have been better if she at least made some sort of sound or a verbal reaction but there was nothing—and that scared him to look even more.

Could he have done it slower? Did it do it the wrong way? Was it too straightforward? How the was he supposed to break it slowly to an adult person who had better logic than a child? Carefully fluttering his eyes open, he turned to his girlfriend to see her just staring at the headstone of her mother with