Haseul was currently sitting on the living room couch watching her members singing their first ever encore stage on the tv. She felt conflicting emotions battling within her. On one hand, she was so proud of her members, watching how far they’d come. She knew how hard they had all worked during this comeback and how much they deserved their first win.

On the other hand, watching them win for the first time without her help only helped reinforced the voice in her head which constantly told her she wasn’t good enough to be in Loona. A weak dancer compared to most of her members, a forgettable voice and a boring personality. There had always been a voice inside her head, echoing all her insecurities even before she had even debuted but lately the voice was much more powerful. And she was starting to think that it was right.

Despite all her insecurities, she’d always prided herself on her caring personality, constantly making sure her members were happy and that they were sleeping and eating. She had even earned the title of the group mom according to their orbits, a title which she took seriously and did her best to live up to it.

Lately, however, she’d started thinking that maybe the role she played in the group hadn’t been as important to the other members as it had been to her. Or maybe she had messed it up. One of her favorite parts of being the leader was being able to be the one person that all the girls could rely on. All the members had, at one point or another, come to her for advice or comfort and she loved being able to help the girls who had become her second family.

She knew idol life was hard, especially with Korea’s almost impossible standards, and she tried her hardest to make her members’ life easier. From staying up late every night with Kahei to help her with her Korean when she was still struggling to master the language when they were still trainees to listening to Sooyoung’s fears of not being a good enough example for the younger girls. She used to wake up early to make the younger girl’s breakfast before sending them off to school. She did everything in her power, to become a figure of stability for her members in their otherwise unstable career. Until one day, she simply couldn’t anymore.

 

It hadn’t come out of nowhere, her anxiety. The worry and uneasiness having long been a part of her life. She simply shoved it deep down inside and distracted herself with resolving others problems whenever the feeling arose. Until eventually, the years of not dealing with it and simply avoiding it finally took a toll on her. The stress became a permanent part of her, her usual method of distracting herself not working anymore.

Slowly, she started feeling panicked and afraid all the time, getting worked up over the littlest thing. She constantly fought the familiar feeling of nausea that threatened to overwhelm her. She started feeling butterflies in her stomach before every performance, and not the good kind. It eventually got to the point where even the idea of going out in public or appearing in a vlive made her want to throw up. She started suffering from panic attacks that were getting more and more recent.

She tried her hardest to keep it from the others, not wanting them to see their leader breaking under the constant pressure. Unfortunately, in a group as tight-night as theirs, it was near to impossible to keep a secret forever.

It all came to a head one day before one of their live performances. It was supposed to be a show just like any other. Nothing they hadn’t done already dozens of time. The rest of the girls were lounging around in the waiting room, throwing a ball and fooling around.

Haseul wanted to join them but she couldn’t stop thinking about the hundreds of eyes that would soon be on her, scrutinizing her every move. Just thinking about that made her start to sweat. She fought against the sudden nausea, feeling lightheaded all of a sudden. She felt a sudden pain in her chest as she started struggling for breath. She could feel her heart pounding and couldn’t understand what was happening. She stood up abruptly, suddenly feeling uncomfortably hot sitting on the couch.

She missed the panicked look the other girls sent her as her sudden movement caught their attentions, too busy trying to catch her breath. Kahei gently approached her, a worried look on her face which was mirrored by the others. “Haseul? Are you okay?” She asked, resting one hand on the younger girls’ shoulder only to be surprised by the strength with which she was trembling.

Haseul didn’t respond, still stuck on thinking about all the ways she could disappoint the fans and her fellow members. Kahei slowly led the shaking girl to the couch, helping her sit down. The rest of the members quickly rushed to surround her before Sooyoung ordered them to back up and give her some space. “Chaewon, go get a glass of water”, she ordered. The blonde girl rushed to do as she asked, quickly returning and handing her the glass.

Sooyoung kneeled before Haseul, putting a hand on her knee and gently rubbing it in circles to try to calm her down. It was almost five minutes later before she was finally able to calm down. She looked up and saw the concern on every members’ face. “Here. Drink this”, Sooyoung told her gently, handing her the glass of water. She took small sips in an effort to avoid her members glances, feeling uncomfortable at being caught in such a vulnerable position.

Their manager stuck his head into the waiting room. “You’re up in 5”, she said, breaking the tension in the air. “Wait. Haseul isn’t performing”, Jungeun said. Haseul immediately stood up, brushing off Sooyoung and Kahei’s hands. “Yes I am”, she exclaimed. Multiple disagreements immediately broke out from all the members. “Look I don’t know what’s happening here but you have four minutes to decide”, their manager said before making her way out the room.

“Look, I’m fine now. Really.” Haseul said. “I promise. I can do this”, she pleaded after seeing the doubt on their faces. The members exchanged glances, seemingly communicating wordlessly, an ability that came with being so close and spending so much time together. “Fine. But we are talking about this once we get home”, Jinsol relented.

With the decision made, the girls quickly made their way to the stage, Haseul struggling to maintain her composure. The concert flew by quickly and it wasn’t until they were making their way backstage for their outfit change that Haseul started spiraling once again, the voice in her head criticizing every move she’d made of beat.

They got into the changing room and they all quickly started changing into their new outfits, eager to go back out again. Haseul leaned against a wall, slowly breathing in and out hoping to keep the panic at bay. Her situation was quickly noticed as the girls had been keeping an eye on her all through the performance. Hyejoo quickly approached her. “Unnie breath. Just breath”, she ordered.

 

Haseul tried her best to follow her orders. The other girls quickly noticed the situation but stayed clear this time, letting Hyejoo take control of the situation. “Just follow my breathing”, Hyejoo said. Haseul did as she was told and slowly regained her breath. She was relieved as her panic attacks were normally worse but by the looks of the others, she was the only one feeling this way. “That’s it. You’re staying here”, Heejin said, making it clear there was no room for argument. The girls wanted to stay longer but had already taken more time than was planned for their outfit change.

They quickly got dressed, all of them keeping an eye on Haseul, before quickly making their way back to the stage, their earlier euphoria replaced by an urgent need to finish up and get home to get some answers.

 

 

The ride back home was tense, no words spoken. Once the girls were back in the dorm, they led Haseul to the couch, all of them sitting down. “Haseul unnie, how long has this been going on?” Hyunjin finally asked, breaking the tense silence. Haseul wanted to deny any problem, wanting to state it as a one-time thing before escaping to her room but watching the worry that filled her member’s faces made her hesitate. She’d spent so long hiding her problems in order to make her members life easier and now she was the cause of their worries. The realization was like a dam breaking, immediately making her burst into tears.

The members quickly surrounded her, taking her into her arms. They soothed her while she cried herself to sleep. Watching their usually strong leader crumbling in their arms broke all their hearts. It was at that moment, that they realized that Haseul was seriously struggling. And it hurt them to think that she had been hiding it from them. Because they weren’t just friends. They were a family. And they hadn’t been good sisters to the one who always took care of them. They silently swore to themselves that they would do better. That it would never get to this point again.

 

The very next day, Kahei, Jungeun and Sooyoung scheduled a meeting with their CEO, determined to get their leader the help she so desperately needed. They didn’t tell the girl what they were doing, simply telling her they were needed for something before leaving her in the dorm with the other members. They explained to their CEO what had happened, stating that it was clearly not the first time and something that Haseul was struggling with.

He immediately ordered for her to be seen by a Doctor. Haseul wasn’t at all happy when they told her they were taking her to see a doctor but was too tired to argue much. After a check-up, Haseul was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and was ordered by their CEO to take a break from promoting. Which is how Haseul ended up where she was now, watching her group celebrating their first win from the tv.

She had tried to come back in time for their latest comeback but the doctor had not cleared her. And now she feared the other girls had gotten used to not having her there and were not any worse off for it. In fact, they seemed to be thriving.

It made her question if anyone would even care if she never came back. The girls, although they called every day, seemed unwilling to discuss anything of any real importance with her now. They had also stopped visiting lately, too busy with other things. Haseul blamed herself for letting them see how weak she really was. And now they refused to come to her with their problems like they used to. She had seen all their interviews and performances without her and she had noticed that they didn’t seem to be struggling without her. In fact, Sooyoung had stepped up right into the role of their leader, helping them with their problems and guiding them. Which is why she had slowly stopped answering their daily calls, not wanting to burden them even more when it was clear they didn’t need her.

 

She turned off the tv, unable to see one more second of it and simultaneously hating herself for not being able to feel happier for her members. She was alone in her family’s home, both her parents working late like always. A part of her was sure that it was just an excuse to be far away from her. Not that she could blame them.

Loneliness filled her as she quietly wondered why she couldn’t be normal. Why couldn’t she perform, the thing she’d spent years practicing for and the thing she loved more than anything, without breaking down. She didn’t know how much time had passed when she was broken out of her self-hatred by a knocking on the door. She wondered who it could be, this late at night. Her parents both had keys and would have just let themselves in. Besides, they weren’t due home for at least another hour.

“Haseul, we know you’re in there. Please let us in”, a voice pleaded. She recognized Jiwoo’s voice immediately. She couldn’t believe they were there. She would have assumed they would be out celebrating. She briefly hesitated, not wanting to face them and put on a fake smile. “We miss you.” The audible hurt in Yeojin’s voice made up her choice. She stood up from her place on the couch, where she had been sitting for the last few hours, and made her way to the door.

She hesitantly opened it and was immediately greeted by her members sympathetic faces. “What are you guys doing here? Shouldn’t you be out celebrating your win?” She asked, trying to keep her voice neutral and failing by the looks of their faces. “You mean our win”, Yerim corrected. “No, I didn’t. In case you’re forgetting, I didn’t do anything”, she responded, unable to keep the bitterness from her tone this time. “What are you talking about? We wouldn’t have won without you. You’re the one who motivated us to work harder”, Chaewon exclaimed.

 

Haseul looked at them confused. “What are you talking about?” she asked. Jinsol sighted, looking annoyed at her obliviousness. “We won this for you. Why do you think we’ve been practicing like nonstop for the last few months? We wanted to make you proud”, she explained. Heejin then offered the trophy which she had been holding towards her, waiting for her to take it. She warily grabbed the offered trophy, looking at them doubtfully. “Wait, is that why you haven’t been visiting lately?” she asked. Her members all nodded at the same time. “Of course. Why else?”, Hyunjin stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Unnie, what’s wrong?” Yeojin asked, worried about the tears that were starting to fill the elder’s eyes. “Nothing’s wrong Yeojinie, I just though you had forgotten about me”, she admitted. A light slap to her head made her regret her words. She turned to look at the culprit with a questioning look. “How could you ever think that? Of course we would never forget about you. We need you”, Jungeun admonished.

“But then, why did you stop confiding in me. I mean, I understand you didn’t visit because you were practicing but all of you used to talk to me about your problems. And now, you avoid all serious topics”, she accused. The members shared guilty looks with each other. “Haseul, we weren’t trying to make you think we didn’t need you anymore. We were just trying to help you. You’re supposed to be on vacation and we didn’t want to overwhelm you or make things worse”, Sooyoung gently explained.

Haseul felt her face redden at her embarrassment. She felt stupid for making assumptions. Of course, they weren’t trying to make her feel left out. These girls were her family. They were only trying to look out for her. “Oh”, she said, not knowing what else to say. “Now are you going to let us in or should we stay out here in the cold, Unnie”, Hyejoo stated drily. Haseul quickly stepped aside, letting them in, all of them stopping to hug her before they entered. “Woo party time”, Yeojin exclaimed only to be flicked on the forehead by an annoyed Hyunjin.

 

Haseul felt herself smile at the familiar sigh as both girls started arguing. Her first genuine smile in a long time. She felt Kahei and Sooyoung siding up one each side of her. “Wanna explain why you stopped answering our calls?” Sooyoung asked, low enough to not be heard by the rest of the girls who were now connecting Hyejoo’s switch to the tv. Haseul turned to meet the two oldest member’s eyes, unsure of how to explain the way she had been feeling. She didn’t have to, however, as the small smile both girls sent her were full of understanding. They both pulled her into a hug. “Just don’t do it anymore, okay? We can talk more about this tomorrow”, Kahei promised. “For now, let’s enjoy our win.”

Haseul looked down at the trophy she still held in her arms, a warm feeling enveloping her chest She still wasn’t ready to come back and she didn’t know when she would be, but she now knew that no matter how long it took, the girls would be waiting for her.

After all, Loona was not just a name. It was the combination of twelve very different and unique girls, all of them talented in different areas, perfectly complementing each other. And as thus, there was no Loona without each and every one of the members. And they wouldn’t have it any other way.