joohyun. joohyun. joohyun.

it’s the name of the girl she wholeheartedly love. all she ever wished was for her to be happy till eternity and for her to always have that radiant smile plastered on her beautiful face. those lovely, lovely smiles that she adored – still, adores. she never wanted those smiles to disappear from her lips nor did she predicted that she’d be the person to break her in the future.

she never meant for anything but happiness for her girlfriend. ex-girlfriend – the word that tasted too bitter in , the acridity burning in whenever she’d even just thought of the mere word that she never liked in the first place.

in no way had she wanted to end her relationship with the girl she’d desired to be with till her last breath. if forever and infinity really did exist in this world, she’d yenned to be immortal with her first and last love. even if it meant fighting hades for that opportunity to be a reality. she’d fight anyone for joohyun.

if it’s for the girl she love, she’d do anything even if it means breaking her own promise of ‘forever’ for her to be free from agony and misery.

the forever she vowed beforehand is still what she wants, yet how could she be too selfish to hold her hands when she won’t be here in this world no more in just a matter of few months or even few days or even at this very moment.

human beings are known to be greedy, but that’s still too much to ask for – how could she ask for something too audacious that would lead both parties in excruciation. a year is enough already, an unforeseen miracle that occurred by the grace above.

she couldn’t permit herself to ask such a solipsistic request.

those five years together with her was a blissful memories that she won’t forget until the arrival of her death.

which was the reason why she’d constantly embrace her tight, too afraid to let her go as she’d utter the words of i love you, despite knowing of how unusual was it for her to do so. she knew her as romantic by heart evermore as she’d brought her flowers and chocolates or baked her some of her favorite sweets, giving it to her with a cheery, bouncy vibe and a greasy statement to top it all, before saying aloud the three words with her sultry voice, teasing her slightly as she’d graze her lips onto her ear. then she’d mashed her lips with those pink and plump lips that she’d tasted for a thousand times, yet it’s always her favorite flavor amongst the rest.

because it simply tasted joohyun.

she’d seen her eyes and she could tell that she’d noticed the changes in her behavior, yet she’d still requited the gesture without delay. so she’d do it more often as it should be, to have more intimate memories with her before she’d carry out her plan, to shatter her heart with a lie she’d fabricated in order for her to be liberated in any form of intermittent pain in the future. to feign ignorant of the truth, sidetracking the facticity to a fallacy.

“i love you too, wan,” joohyun responded, her voice dripping sweetness, honey-like and velvety. yet at the same time, its tone frail and doleful with her lips already grazing on her own, teasing her before she’d collide them together, pressing her hands on her cheek, warm and soft. a paroxysm of poignant kisses given that left a bittersweet aftertaste on , her eyes suspecting a calamity that would occur eventually, leading to their doomsday. she’s a bright woman, having deduced a conclusion of their relationship with her mindfulness, attentive to every action that her lover did.

except for not knowing the truth that she’d hidden beneath all her façade, an abysmal hoax to fool her into oblivion, for she’s far more perspective and smarter than her. she’s aware of the future possibilities if the truth was out in the open.

her fairytale coming to an end, for her future will wrap up briefly. a future without her would be dull and dark.

in the fullness of time she knew that she should not be chained up with her dire future.

oh, joohyun.

the lone woman she’d solely fantasized her future with, yet here she is, alone in a white, four walled room as she’d broken the only girl she’d ever loved – forever will love.

the future she envisioned wasn’t this one at all, with no more joohyun on her side, but it’s still better than having to visualized her with a look she’d never want her to have.

she’s the only one that beats her heart regardless of what she did.

always and forever.

it doesn’t matter when she’d hate her for breaking her heart, at least she’d move on from the girl in the past that broke it, rather than experiencing something far more beyond than just a single, piercing heartache of a break-up. she only wants her happiness and if it meant breaking it for a short while to gain back love from another person in the long run, she’d to do it without hesitation.

that’s how much she loves joohyun.

joohyun. joohyun. joohyun.

she’s surely going to miss enunciating her name. more importantly, her heart’s already yearning for her presence.

she’d just have to it up – for joohyun.

it’s much better this way, awfully willing for herself to yearn and feel unbearable pain alone without her once lover than to look at her worried and painful expression as she undergo too many sufferings with an incurable disease. she can’t bear to even just imagine joohyun engraving a tormenting look on her face as she suffer, that’d be too cruel for her, no matter how she can looked so calm. she knew better of how much the girl’s feelings won’t always mirror her facial expressions.

she’d much rather feel better for her to hate her and move on with a new lover.

joohyun’s not hard to fall in love after all. she’s too good to be true and she’s lucky enough to have her for another year before she dies.

“you should have told her the truth,” she hears her nurse says while she’s checking her vitals, stopping her from her internal turmoil of a monologue.

“i can’t dare to do so,” she replies with a sad smile while staring at the window in her private hospital room.

the sky looks pretty outside, with blue and big clouds hovering above. she’s sure that joohyun would love to look at how beautiful the view is, a huge contrast to her life with darkening and gloomy atmosphere.

she’d used to take joohyun for surprise road trips, up above in secluded areas, where no one could disturb their peacefulness and she’d entwined their hands together as they watch the sunset descent below the horizon. she’d also playfully annoy her to go to a spontaneous adventure during midnights without a designated destination, yet they’d end up trekking most of the time. up above the mountain, where they’d see the cinematic masterpiece of the rising sun as the fogs would start to disappear, slowly but surely. by the end of everything, she’d gaze at the curving lips of joohyun, forming a satisfactory smile before she’d turn to take a look at her and give her a kiss on her lips. those lips that would mumble, ‘thank you, wan’ in between kisses.

her lips that she’d passionately kissed for four years and those same lips that she’d kiss tenderly, softly and agonizingly chase by the time it detached from her own.

because she knew that she’d never have a taste of it anymore.

her lips coming in contact on her cheek, giving her a last kiss – an ardent kiss that’s soft and pure, a declaration of her fathomless love and a goodbye, for she’d no longer be with her as she exit from her life.

ah, she misses her so immensely.

the memories spent with her is imprinted in her mind with achingly beautiful scenarios playing in repeat, popping up from time to time, uplifting her from anguish.

“so you broke up with her,” the nurse goes off, already done with her assesment. she’s getting closer to her before continuing, “that’s stupid, seungwan unnie. you still broke her heart with what you did.” seungwan turns her head to look at jennie who is now rolling her eyes.

she laughs lightly at her nurse friend for reprimanding her. “it’s better that way, jen.”

it’s better for her to not know, because she knows joohyun would do anything for her. even the impossible, which is too ruthless as there are some things that are beyond their capabilities.

if the best doctors have already said their analysis that leads to her death, what could joohyun do wh