Clouds drifted by with the spring breeze, backed by the endless expanse of clear cerulean. Sunlight filtered through the trees, birds singing along with the crowd’s collective chatter blending into one background track.

 

Strums joined the white noise. Jimin hummed, twisting her guitar’s tuning peg as she tried to find the right tune. Sitting in the middle of New York Central Park with her guitar and equipment, surrounded by amused people and their cameras wasn’t new, at this point. But Jimin’s smile was reserved.

 

“Hello” she muttered into the microphone. “This next song is for everyone who’s in love in New York City. Enjoy.”

 

She tried out the chords, fingers feeling around the fretboard and fumbling with the strings. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and started to sing.

 

“‘To be young and in love in New York City,” she tapped her foot to the beat, “‘To not know who I am but still know that I’m good long as you’re here with me.’”

 

A crowd had gathered to sit in front of her and with the way they hoisted cameras like machine guns and giddy grins wide on their faces, she assumed they knew who she was. It wasn’t a surprise, as there had been a spike in her popularity lately due to the modelling and acting gigs she’s been taking for the past five months.

 

She did miss the thrill of street performing though. Should she start doing this again?

 

“‘I like me better when I’m with you.’”

 

Her voice faltered, her lips and tasted phantom vanilla there. No. Her thoughts shouldn’t go there.

 

Plastering on a smile, she braved through the song.

 

Why was this in her lineup again? Oh, right. It was Yeji who gave her the list of songs that would fit New York. She wondered if her friend did her research by Googling ‘Top 10 Songs About New York’.

 

Or maybe she was trying to say something. Either way, Jimin would need to have a word with her after this.

 

“‘Stay awhile, stay awhile, stay here with me.’” she sang through gritted teeth, voice coming out raspy and raw. “‘Stay awhile, stay awhile, oh.’”

 

When will this damned song end? It was getting a little personal and Jimin had never felt the urge to strangle song lyrics until now.

 

“‘Better when, I like me better when I’m with you.’”

 

She released the breath she’s been holding, shoulders sagging with relief. Her audience gave her a loud applause, which she tried to reply with a smile and could only hope it did not look like a grimace.

 

She said her closing remarks, sang a few song requests as encore before finally ending her busking session.There wasn’t much to pack up, and so Jimin was back in her rental car in a matter of minutes and closely avoided getting mobbed. Maybe accepting those music video appearance offers wasn’t a very good idea after all.

 

She immediately dialled Yeji, placing her phone on its holder. Her Arch de Triomphe keychain jingled as she drove around the streets of New York with no destination in mind. She rolled down the window, suffocated. Should she grab something at a drive-thru?

 

“Hello?” Yeji’s groggy voice greeted her. She forgot it’s still dawn in Korea.

 

Jimin opened to complain about the last song but ended up deciding against it. Protesting would show that she’s affected. Which she wasn’t. Really.

 

“Hello? Jimin? You there?”

 

“Yeah. Sorry, I don’t have anything important to say. You should just get back to sleep.”

 

Yeji snorted, “Yeah, no thank you. You already ruined it. You done with your singing sesh?”

 

“Yes, it was great. I kind of missed doing it.”

 

“So are we getting Youtuber Karina back? I miss watching your vlogs, you know. You haven’t uploaded anything other than the occasional angsty song covers since your Paris Bestie special.”

 

Jimin’s finger twitched. “I’ll get there. I just...don’t feel like filming travel vlogs these days.”

 

“It’s such a downer. You’re too focused on closing those big deals. I don’t get it, though. You usually ignore them before but you’re entertaining them all now. Did something happen?”

 

Jimin stared at her friend’s caller ID, hating that she couldn’t see her face and read her expression. She sounded far too sardonic, but she couldn’t be so sure.

 

“No.” she answered, shifting her eyes on the road. “Nothing happened.”

 

“But you wish something did, don’t you?”

 

Jimin let out an exhausted sigh. No, actually. She wished for the complete opposite. “You should go back to sleep.”

 

“Later.” Yeji waved her off. “I see you’re on the fourth stage of grief.”

 

“What?”

 

“Depression.” Yeji pointed out, “Months ago, you were always snapping at me whenever I tried to talk about Paris. Weeks ago, you were tweeting about ‘if she didn’t do that then we could still be friends’.

 

“I already deleted that tweet.”

 

“I have a screenshot.” Yeji shot back. “Anyway, now you just sound tired. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, though I do have an idea, but please treat yourself to a Mcdonald’s Happy Meal sometimes. It goes with cute toys so It’s a win.”

 

Jimin’s chuckle sounded hollow, even in her own ears. “I might do that.” she said as she drove to the nearest Mcdonald’s drive-thru.

 

“Ningning’s comeback tomorrow, 6PM KST.” Yeji said, “You streaming?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Yeah, you wake up early anyway.” she yawned big.

 

“You should go back to sleep, Yeji. Sorry for bothering you.”

 

“Okay...call me anytime if anything happens, yeah?”

 

“Yeah. Thanks.”

 

There were lots of cars lined up, maybe because it’s lunch, and Jimin joined them, tapping on her steering wheel. The queue was barely moving so Jimin rolled her windows back up.

 

Her phone buzzed. It’s a notification about a new comment on one of her Paris vlogs. For some reason, people were still watching it. It’s garnering more attention than she thought, views increasing everyday in the past five months.

 

It vibrated again. Sighing, Jimin took the device, meaning to mute the notifications but ended up reading the comments instead.

 

“I SHIP IT”

 

“The story of how they met sounds like it came straight out of a fanfic. Y'all can’t make this up.”

 

“Karina: stares at Minjeong like she hung the stars in the sky

Minjeong: r u going to kill me now”

 

“Idk but?? They look?? So in love??”

 

“I just know I don’t look at my bestie like that”

 

“They sound SO GOOD together OMG a collab pls ToT”

 

The line was advancing. Jimin put her phone down and inched forward.

 

Paris with Minjeong was indeed memorable. Jimin did not regret anything about it and she did miss having the blonde around. She missed Minjeong.

 

There. It’s out in the open. Maybe she’s on her way to the fifth level of grief: acceptance.

 

Acceptance that they would never meet again.

 

Jimin was pretty sure she liked Minjeong as a friend. Until that stunt the blonde pulled at the airport. Since then, Jimin wasn’t quite as sure anymore and her being uncertain of where she stands meant any form of communication with Kim Minjeong won’t be allowed. It might make things clearer for her and she’s afraid that when it does, it might be going against one of the principles she had set for herself.

 

Jimin was angry, at first. Leaving without any explanation. She’d never do that, Minjeong said. But she did, to some extent. However, after months of stewing on that grudge, she realized she’s just...sad.

 

Sighing, she leaned back on her seat.

 

If there’s one thing she was sorry about, it was that kiss.

 

That kiss shouldn’t have happened.

 

***

 

“I’m glad you agreed to meet us. Thank you. It was nice discussing this with you.”

 

Minjeong smiled, shaking his hand. “The pleasure is mine, sir.”

 

After shaking some more hands, Minjeong stepped out of the conference hall, iPad tucked in her arm. She fished out her phone from her back pocket and sent Aeri a message. On cue, her ringtone went off as she got into the elevator.

 

“I still can’t believe you went on a meeting without your agent.”

 

She rolled her eyes at her friend’s drama. “Is your board meeting over?”

 

“Yeah.” so that’s why she sounded chipper. “How did it go?”

 

“My meeting or yours?”

 

“Yours, obviously, dumb.”

 

Minjeong laughed. “I’ll tell you over lunch. What about Yizhuo?”

 

“Still stuck in her photoshoot. I think she’s doing the magazine interview now. After that, the press.”

 

Minjeong winced. “Don’t she have, like, what, three media outlets to entertain?”

 

“Five. And that’s not counting the foreign press.”

 

The elevator doors opened to the parking area. Minjeong went straight to her car. “Poor kid is booked and busy. Good for her.”

 

‘What time’s the release of her album again?”

 

“Six tonight.” Minjeong answered, “Should we drop by after lunch?”

 

“I have another meeting at two.” Aeri sighed. “You can go if you want.”

 

“Nah, her workplace gives me anxiety.”

 

“Yeah, people keep trying to cast you.” Aeri laughed, “The best one was that guy trying to get you into modeling children’s wear.” she guffawed. “Oh my god, that was gold.”

 

“Shut up.” Minjeong started the engine. “I’m driving now. I’ll see you at Bali Bistro?”

 

“Sure. I was craving for Indonesian, anyway.”

 

Tossing the phone on the dashboard, Minjeong the radio and sang along to the songs as she made her way through the streets of Seoul, right hand on the wheel and left elbow resting on the window.

 

The sun shone and cherry blossoms were in full bloom on the sidewalks. Traffic was light too, pitching into her equally pleasant mood.

 

She made a mental note to send coffee to Yizhuo’s set. Maybe some pastries too. Macarons? Damn, those macarons she had at Paris were awesome. She’d like to have those again sometime.

 

Minjeong and Aeri arrived at the restaurant almost at the same time. Finding a seat, they placed their orders and Aeri popped the question as soon as the waiter left.

 

“So what was the meeting all about?”

 

Minjeong chuckled. Her friend was too eager. “Slow down. Drink some water first.”

 

“I barely survived hours of the driest meeting ever. I want to hear the tea. So why did they want to talk to you?”

 

Minjeong laughed, shaking her head. “It wasn’t anything big. They just asked if I can film my own version of Yizhuo’s new song for her comeback’s promotion purposes.”

 

Aeri almost spewed out her drink. “They what?!” she exclaimed and people looked over so Minjeong had to apologize. “But why?”

 

“For promotion purposes.” Minjeong repeated. “They thought it would help gather more hype. There would be around five artists who would cover the song? I’m not sure but they said I would be the first. According to them, people are interested in me nowadays because of my appearance on Jimin’s YouTube channel and I also made the song so it’s not too random.”

 

Aeri was studying her. Minjeong could feel it even if her eyes were trained on her glass of water, finger tracing patterns on the condensed surface.

 

“Well, they must’ve been disappointed.” Aeri eventually said. “I mean, there’s no way you would make an appearance--”

 

“I said yes.”

 

Aeri’s jaw fell. “You said what?”

 

“I said yes.”

 

“Are you having a case of celebrity syndrome?” Aeri seriously asked and Minjeong burst out laughing. “I mean? You don’t like being exposed to the public. I was surprised enough when you agreed to feature on Karina’s vlogs. But then again that was Karina.”

 

Minjeong frowned, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“You’re a whipped loser for Karina, that’s what it means.” Aeri stuck out her tongue. “Anyway, this is different. This is totally next level--the entertainment industry is way bigger than her channel. Are you sure about this?”

 

Minjeong shrugged, “I have a trusty agent who can take care of the aftermath anyway.”

 

“Kim Minjeong.”

 

“It’s just this once, I swear.” She gave Aeri a dry smile. “I have a promise to keep.”

 

Their orders arrived, taking Aeri’s attention away. They ate in silence for a while--no conversations, just exclamations of how delicious it was and how everything hit the right spot.

 

Minjeong thought she was saved from Aeri’s inquisition--

 

“You’re not that slick, Minjeong.”

 

--She was wrong.

 

“Huh?”

 

“It all makes sense now, all of a sudden.”

 

“What does?” Aeri had that eureka expression and it was scaring Minjeong. What did she figure out?

 

“You kissed her at the airport so she would stay away from you.” Aeri narrowed her eyes, “I’m right, aren’t I?”

 

Minjeong had told her friends everything, except for Jimin’s past, of course. She needed people to confide with and she could never hide anything from Aeri and Yizhuo.

 

Minjeong knew. Well--she wasn’t entirely sure. But she’s got a hunch.

 

Jimin liked her. Or at least she was getting there. Either way, it had become clearer as they spent more time together that the brunette was developing certain...romantic feelings (whether big or small, shallow or deep, she couldn’t really tell but it was there).

 

She knew Jimin might try to contact her and she did not trust herself to be able to ignore. To prevent that, she went and gave Jimin a little parting gift of enlightenment and judging by how she got zero attempts on being reconnected, maybe Jimin’s now aware. Either that or she’s completely disgusted by her. Minjeong didn’t really mind.

 

“It’s for the best.” she said, taking a sip of her cola.

 

Aeri frowned. “You can’t just decide what’s best for the both of you on your own, Minjeong.” she said, “Why don’t you give this one a try?”

 

Minjeong shook her head. “She doesn’t want to be in a relationship, unnie. I respect that.” she said. “Besides, she’s never going back to Korea. It would never work.”

 

Aeri leaned back on her seat, “Huh. So that’s the real reason why.”

 

Minjeong gave her friend a questioning scowl.

 

“You think you’re being selfless. That you’re doing this for her own good. But in reality, you’re just doing this because you’re still that same coward hiding in her hotel room playing with Google Maps who’s afraid of committing to relationships.” Aeri spat out the tea, hitting home with every word she spoke. “To long distance relationships.”

 

Minjeong looked away, hiding behind her cup. Okay, what if she was? Did Aeri have to expose her like that? In broad daylight? The disrespect.

 

“Minjeong, you have to stop assuming that everyone’s like...her.”

 

Minjeong sighed. Not this conversation again. “You already know what I’ll reply to that, unnie.”

 

Aeri stared at her, long and hard, before huffing. “Fine. I’ll get off your back. But if you want to get slapped with sense, don’t hesitate to come talk to us, okay?”

 

Minjeong snorted. “Yeah, okay.”

 

After lunch, Minjeong headed straight back to her apartment and collapsed on her bed. Her place was simple, though her friends would say otherwise. But really, it was. Everything was in the color of pastel, dominated by whites and it was nothing like the monochromatic hotel room she stayed at in Paris.

 

She placed an order for Yizhuo and the staff and went to grab a drink. The sight of the magnets on her refrigerator made her pause. Most of them were gifts from Yizhuo and Aeri, some were bought by herself. It was kind of like a funny tradition, getting fridge magnets for each other. However, her attention was drawn by the newest addition to the collection. Sighing, she pulled the Eiffel Tower off and stuck it at the back of the fridge, where she didn’t have to see it.

 

Grabbing a carton of banana milk, Minjeong sprawled on the couch, scrolling through her social media feed and switching to binging cat videos on YouTube when that got too boring. Maybe she should get a pet. This apartment was starting to feel empty and she always wanted a husky.

 

[PARIS BESTIE SPECIAL 👭 D3] Paris Travelogue: Versailles 🏰✨

 

Her YouTube recommendations just wouldn’t give her a break. She tapped the home button.

 

[PARIS BESTIE SPECIAL 👭 D2] Paris Travelogue: Trocadéro, La Musee de la Vie Romantique, Delicieux

 

She scrolled down.

 

[PARIS BESTIE SPECIAL 👭 D1] Paris Travelogue: Île de la Cité

 

YouTube was really ing around with her today.

 

“Fine.” She relented, tapping the thumbnail. She promised to watch Jimin’s videos anyway and she haven’t seen a single one of her recent Paris vlogs.

 

She stared at the loading screen, absently breezed through the ads and the video’s opening clip.

 

And then Jimin’s there, grinning as the camera regained focus.

 

“There’s this funny anecdote from the plane that I wanna share to y’all.” Jimin immediately said without even bothering with a greeting. Her smile was radiant, eyes excited for the story she’s about to tell. She seemed to be in her own hotel room, clad in a simple white shirt and fixing her long dark hair while looking at the camera.

 

Minjeong’s heart started to pick up pace.

 

Well, damn.

 

“If you follow me on Twitter then you probably remember that cute girl I met twice at the Jubilee Gardens and then at Primo.” the brunette was saying, “Guess what? She happened to be my seatmate on the plane.” She laughed and Minjeong had to smile. Yeah. Who would’ve thought? “I was, like, freaking out during take off and then she’s like ‘hey, chile’ and lent me her headphones. It was...the most enjoyable plane ride I’ve ever had. So, bestie, if you’re watching, I just want you to know that you made things better. Thank you.”

 

“Thank you.” she mumbled, as if the Jimin in the video could hear.

 

She watched the montage of the girl going around Paris, her mind playing its own version--a reel of memories: walking around the cobblestoned streets of Montemartre, remembering the way Jimin’s eyes lit up as they took in the sights, the way she’d always manage to find Minjeong in the midst of the crowd, meeting her gaze without fail and holding her hand.

 

Minjeong ached and it felt alarmingly familiar yet different, the same kind of longing but with a dash of regrets and what ifs.

 

“Paris has one of the best Mcdonald’s in the world, I know that’s right.” Jimin was saying as she entered a Mcdonald’s store in the middle of the night followed by her having breakfast at Café Procope and Minjeong couldn’t help but laugh bitterly at her past self and all the coincidences they had. I shouldn’t have ran.

 

Maybe then they’d have more time.

 

“I’ve been here for, like, four days but I haven’t been going around much. Sorry about that.” Jimin said as she walked along the banks of Seine. “It’s because I’ve been waiting for a call. Come on, Paris Bestie. What’s taking you so long?” She laughed, “I just really want to do this with her. As thanks, maybe? I’m not sure. I don’t know, just feel like we should be together. I mean--not together, together but--ha-ha, y’all know what I mean.”

 

Minjeong smiled, though from her reflection on the phone screen it looked more like a wince than anything.

 

constricted as Jimin gushed over her Paris Bestie finally giving her that call as she drove to and from Hotel Bel Ami to pick up said girl, chest tightening as she watched them bickering endlessly in the car.

 

“...over here is an angel who descended from heaven to grace us with her presence. Say hi, Paris Bestie!”

 

Minjeong saw herself, a look of surprise on her face hidden behind a camera.

 

“What the ?” She heard herself say.

 

“Now, now, angels aren’t supposed to say bad words.”

 

The video was chaotic. All she could see was a shaky close up shot of her own skin as the camera was shoved to her face, her grumbling protests and Jimin’s laughter in the background.

 

Minjeong put down her phone, blinking back tears. This is too much. Too much.

 

Maybe I still do miss you, after all.

 

***

 

Then you smiled over your shoulder

For a minute, I was stone-cold sober

I pulled you closer to my chest

 

Jimin hummed along to the song, trying to play the keyboard alongside it. It’s one of the song requests Yeji picked out from the comment section. She was on a break from YouTube but she still tried her best to upload content whenever she could.

 

Other gigs weren’t really enjoyable. She wasn’t really cut for modelling and acting jobs, which was why she didn’t accept many before unless Yeji insisted (like that offer from Givenchy. God she was dying from pressure there). Her passion had always been music and travelling but what she needed right now was distraction.

 

I knew I loved you then

But you’d never know

‘Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go

 

She just finished her schedule for today: shooting for a lipstick commercial and a meeting for an upcoming clothing line photoshoot. At the pace she’s going, she probably should get an agent but she preferred working alone and avoiding any unnecessary strings. She always had and maybe she should’ve kept that mindset when she met Minjeong.

 

Just say you won’t let go.

 

She almost spewed her drink out.

 

Just say you won’t let go.

 

She glared at her speakers. Did Yeji pick this song on purpose? No, she wouldn’t have known.

 

I’m so in love with you

And I hope you know--

 

Jimin pulled off the plug, feeling a childish sense of victory in doing so. It was already dark out and she considered what to eat for dinner. Pizza, perhaps? She’s in New York after all. Minjeong would love it here.

 

Shaking thoughts off her head, she grabbed her phone and placed an order online before checking her emails, looking for what to do next. It strangely felt like a game, like doing missions or something and the thought made her smile.

 

Tomorrow would be hectic. She would have a photoshoot with the clothing line she met with earlier. After that, she would have another photoshoot for a magazine. And then in the evening she’d have to film for a soju commercial. Just thinking about it made her want to pass out but keeping busy kept her mind off things. It wasn’t the greatest way to cope but it worked. Somehow.

 

Her phone in her hand buzzed, making her jump. She did not expect anyone to contact her personal number at this hour.

 

“Have you listened to Ningning’s new album???”

 

Jimin frowned at Yeji’s text. Wasn’t it, like, 8AM there?

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work”

 

“YES!!! But!!! Have u listened to her album yet???”

 

Jimin blinked. What’s the big deal? “Not yet but I am streaming her mv” she typed, glancing at her laptop to check that yep, still streaming.

 

“Why havent u yet oh my goddd ITS SO GOOD”

 

Jimin chuckled. Did she text just to fangirl about Ningning’s new album?

 

“And theres this song...idk i think u should listen to it”

 

Yeji sent a YouTube link to an official lyric video. Curious, Jimin opened it, registering the title: Wherever I Live

 

Yeji’s message notification popped up as guitar strums started playing, “I think it might’ve been written with you in mind”

 

Jimin raised a brow, palms suddenly feeling clammy. Ningning’s sweet voice started singing.

 

There’s yelling in the hallway

I found refuge on a twin bed of this three star hotel

 

She continued to listen about isolated life on the road and staying in different hotel rooms with its drawbacks backed with a charming sombre guitar that reminded her of someone equally charming. As the song progressed, Jimin found herself reflected in its lyrics clearer and clearer.

 

Just me, myself, and nothing

But I taught me how to love it

Home is wherever I live

 

Hard to sleep sometimes

With no one by my side

I do my best to find a sense in it

 

The more the days go by

The more myself and I

Shake hands and realize the benefits of independence

 

And it’s really something

To make home’s a worn-out luggage

What a life, man, what a life this is

 

Jimin barely blinked as the outro breezed by (Ah ah, ah ah, ah ah ah (Home is wherever I live)). As soon as it ended, she checked the video’s description, scrolling to the very end.

 

Song: Wherever I Live

Artist: NINGNING

Album: Where Do We Go From Here?

Writer: WINTER

 

There’s a certain tug in her heartstrings. Her fingers twitched, wanting to do something but not knowing what. Her heart’s racing so fast she could hear her blood roaring in her ears. What was she supposed to do with this information? How was she even supposed to react? They were on opposite sides of the world and it’s been five months. This song probably wasn’t even written for her.

 

Her phone suddenly buzzed incessantly, like it was having a seizure. What’s going on?

 

Seems like she forgot to turn off the notifications of her public social media accounts again. She was about to do just that when she noticed people were mentioning her under the same tweet. Frowning, she checked it out.

 

WINTER - ‘LOSE’ BY NINGNING COVER 01

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

chapter 6 songs for context

I like me better - Lauv

Say you won't let go - James Arthur

Wherever I live - Alessia Cara