Every time she came to this room, with bookshelf covering half of the room she will always feel very much intimidated. This is like a very sacred room. A sofa in the middle of the room and across it there is this chair. Where your therapist will be sitting and judging you quietly though they never say anything about it.

People keep on saying therapist really help them. How come it doesn’t give any effect on her? She has been going to therapist since long time ago. Last time she went to therapy, she felt exhausted. With endless question and answer session, she doesn’t see herself going anywhere. Stuck at the same place. 

She quit going to therapy once and it ain’t giving her anything good. Tantrums here and there. Telling her to go back or else she will lose the company. Quiet made her scared but all she need that time was a small vacation. Which she did and once she cameback, the board went nuts. 

And she did. She did go back only to stuck at the same place again. She’s tired of not moving at all. Damn tired. If only she end herself that day, everything will seem a lot easier. After all, she’s been everybody headaches for the past few years. So why they still holding on? 

Protecting her at all cost. Even invading her own personal space by plugging CCTVs everywhere. Good thing she still has some privacy in the bathroom. However it doesn’t make her less paranoid. She still think there is a hidden mic or cameras in her own bathroom. 

Maybe that’s what her best friends what her to think. So there is no chance she will try to end her life there. Irene sigh. The more she think about it, the more headache she’s feeling.

“Sorry to keep you waiting” said the girl with purple hoodie on.

At first, no one will believe the person sitting across her is her psychiatrist. Judging the way she dressed up, she look exactly like a college students. Turns out you are wrong. She’s a ing psychiatrist. 

One very much with many experiences. No one will believe it but apparently, Kim Yerim has been prepared since she was 15 years old to be a psychiatrist. Her mother is a psychiatrist and growing up watching her mother treating patient, she want to be like her mother.

So, here she is. With her broad knowledge and many experiences, Kim Yerim pointed as her psychiatrist ever since she tried to kill herself. Though with her experiences which make her the expert, Irene never change. She doesn’t find herself healing.

The question should be this. 

Who is wrong here? Kim Yerim? Or Her? 

“It will be great if you never come” said Irene sarcastically. 

“You know I would never miss out a session with you” said Yeri with a smile on her face. Irene sigh. 

“So. How are you feeling?” 

That question will always be the opening of their session. Like some kind of endless question being repeated all over again. And again, Irene would always andwer the same thing.

“Fine”

Really?

“Really?”

Endless session. That’s what Irene always say about how many session she had done with Yerim. Because of that, she can say she become an expert on reading other people behavior. Perhaps not everyone. Only Kim Yerim, since they mostly spent time talking to each other 6 hours in average a week. 

That make Irene know exactly the way Yeri will react on her answer. Sometimes she told herself if she’s the psychiatrist and not Kim Yerim.

“Yes” said Irene.

“Hmm...even after what happened two days ago?” 

She scoffs feeling annoyed. What happened the other day wasn’t worse. She done a lot worse than that and right now she doesn’t want to talk about it.

“I don’t want to talk about it” 

“Well, you came here to talk. So there is no way we ain’t talking about that”

“It will be easier if you just prescribe me the medication and I leave”

“But you didn’t take it two days ago”

“Because I...” 

At the end, she has nothing to come up as her reason. Why? Because she doesn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t want to admit that after years of going through session with Yerim, she still remain the same.

That her hallucination will always win over her. Despite how many times she gone into therapy and drink her medication, she still cannot deal with her hallucination. 

Yeri hummed as she took several notes on her book. Irene roll her eyes. This typical movement from Yeri always make her feel intimidated. Because it makes her feel like she’s being judged by her own best friend! This is killing her.

“Do you know the reason why you saw her again?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ve gone crazy already”

“You can do better than that, unnie”

“That’s the truth!”

“Well we both know you are very much lying to yourself and me. Now, unnie. Why you saw her again?”

Irene scoffs. This is the perk of dealing with a therapist. They know about you better than you know yourself. Doesn’t that scares you? Because they can hit you with everything they know about you. Giving you boomerang for your own action. It’s like giving her slaps there and there several tines.

“Do you realize we are never near to moving on?” Asked Yeri

“Of course I do!”

“Why is that?”

“Right. You want to blame me for everything huh? You think this session is useless because I am no near the word heal”

“Who said that?”

“ME! I SAID IT!”

Irene will deal with Joy later about this. But for now she just need to throw her anger away. After she woke up the next day, she didn’t remember exactly what happened last night. However, she still remember she went out on a date with this girl...Kim Jisoo.

Afterward, it’s blurry. But she get a glimpse why. When she woke up, Jennie is in her room. Sitting right beside her. Staring at her worriedly. That’s when she knew she had another episode.

Next thing she knew, she told Jisoo they shouldn’t meet each other anymore. She is not ready mentally, physically to date someone or meet someone new. Of course she told her nicely and Jisoo completely understand. However, Irene did say perhaps in the future there will be another chance for them to meet in a more proper way. Jisoo agreed though and no hard feeling taken.

In this situation, she should have been blaming Yeri for pmforcing her to go on a date. However, Kim Yerim always has her reason. 

“Unnie. I am being honest with you, okay?”

“Never like it” said Irene.

“I realize very much we are no near the next step. Because I don’t see you in here. Physically yes but your soul is elsewhere. Why? Why is that? Do you hate me? Cause I should say you are one of the hardest client I ever deal with. Not that I complain and giving up. No. I would never give up on you. But I’m just curious. Why?”

You know the obvious answer, Kim Yerim.

Irene know Yeri already find the right answer to her own question. But she also knew Yeri want to hear from herself. From her own mouth. 

Truth is...

“Because I don’t want to move on” 

Finally. She said it. That’s the truth and both party very much knew about it. Yeri hummed as she lean her back on the chair and stare at Irene. 

Typical body language from Yeri when she’s disappointed or probably thinking of something. Irene sigh. She knew Yeri ever since Joy introduce her during college year. Ever since then, they are particualarly friend.

Of course Yeri knew about Seulgi. They are quiet close too. Her death also bothering her but she’s a psychiatrist. She knows how her brain work. 

While Irene...she’s....she lost the love of her life. A month before their wedding. No one seen that coming and everybody was hurting. However, it was more painfully for Irene. 

Kang Seulgi...the girl who always making her annoyed. Who love her eternally. Who accept her as she is and support her and understand her more than anybody else. She doesn’t deserve to die. It was...unfair.

“That’s the problem. I can’t help you if you’re not here”

She let out a loud exhale. Irene is very thankful to have friends that very much care for her. However...she’s tired. She doesn’t see her futurr with anybody else beside Seulgi. She doesn’t want to move on because she’s scared. She can’t imagine life without Kang Seulgi in it.

Perhaps she really is the problem. Not wanting to live. Just be a robot. Doing paper work there and there. No feeling attach. Why? Because world without Kang Seulgi is full of dark and she doesn’t want to be part of it.

The only reason she still hanging on until now is that her paranoid friends. Trying their best to keep her alive. Why? 

“I’ve been telling myself that maybe you need more time. That talking to me right now is useless for you but I’m trying here. To get you better”

“Well, that’s the problem. I don’t want to get better. Yes those hallucination, nightmares, and the desire to...die...are freaking me out. But...I-“

“Don’t picture yourself without Seulgi in it” said Yeri completing Irene’s sentence.

Yes. 

Yeri sigh as she lean forward, cross her leg, and stare directly to Irene’s eye. Irene gulp as she notice how serious Kim Yerim is right now. Although Yeri is younger than Irene, she find the girl quiet intimidating. Especially during therapy session.

“Tell me. What do you want me to do?” 

Is that a question? Or is that a tricky question? 

“Yeri”

“We’ve been doing session through session yet I don’t see us going anywhere. I tried everything but none of it work. So now I’m here asking you. What do you want me to do?”

It’s very intriguing. Knowing your therapist finally at the edge. Only mean she really is the worse patient Kim Yerim ever deal with. Should she be proud of it? 

Seeing the desperate and sad face on Yeri melted her heart. However, the obvious desire she has is stronger than everything.

“Let me go” 

That’s the only thing she want everybody in her life to do. Let her go. For years they have been holding on to her. Hoping she will get better.

But she disappoint everyone in her life. Even Kang Seulgi. All she ask for is everyone to let her go. Therefore, she will be able to get out from this hell loop on earth. 

Silence fill the room when nobody says anything. Bae Irene for Yeri is like her own big sister. She care for her so much and she remember back then they always annoyed each other.

Irene never realize how much her presence mean everything to all her best friends. Before the accident, Irene was a very friendly, warm, and extraordinary person. There is no day without her dry jokes. But after the accident, Bae Irene is no longer Bae Irene everyone knew. 

Mysterious, dark, mean, and workaholic. Yeri has predicted this will happen and she always try her best to get Irene better. However, for the first year after the accident, Bae Irene shut herself from the world. Kim Yerim though with her many experiences unable to break the wall. Because Irene has build a very very high wall. 

She’s protecting herself from the world because she believe that Kang Seulgi’s death was plan by God himself. The one that created the world. And so she shut herself out from the world. From everyone who love her.

Because she cannot go through another episode of seeing her friends die. She still blame herself for what happened to Seulgi. Said that if only Irene doesn’t allowed Seulgi to go, maybe she’s here with her. Being a married couple.

So to answer Irene wish, Yeri has knew Irene also know the answer to that. Yeri waste no time going through Irene’s file and sigh.

“I will still prescribe you with your medication. However, I would like to add more session” said Yeri.

“No. Don’t you hear what I say?” 

“I hear you clearly, unnie. But as your psychiatrist, I cannot do that. Unless you want me to write that you are not eligible to continue your work and send it to the board, do you have other suggestion?” 

Irene scoffs. This is when Yeri really annoyed her. One session a week already hard enough for her to adjust with her work schedule. 

“You really pissed me off” said Irene as she lean her back on the couch and groaned.

“We all want you to get better. You just need to find the will to be here”

“I’m here. Isn’t the fact that I came here and never miss a session with you didn't surprise you?” Yeri won’t argue with that because it’s true. Quiet surprise to the phase that she need to call Joy if she who she saw earlier was indeed Bae Irene.

“True. However, I feel one session a week is not enough”

“Not enough making me crazy?” 

Yeri glare at Irene before she proceed on writing whatever they were doing today. Of course it remain the same with their session last week.

“I won’t tell the board about this as I know it might make you crazier than you already are. So, two session a week?”

Two are better than three or a whole week. Irene sigh and nodded.

“Do I have a choice?”

Yeri gather her things before standing up and walk to her desk. Only mean their session for today is finished.

“You did. When I approached you a month after her funeral and you chose to shut yoursef. Now look at where your choice brings you” said Yeri.

The dark room light up after she get inside her penthouse. Why would she still come back here and live here despite all the memories they made here? Because this place is the place where they both will build a family. 

Also this is where memories of them live. Irene could not bear to left it because in this place somehow she can feel Seulgi’s presence. Like she actually here. Or maybe it was just her hallucination. She don’t know. More like she cannot see the differences between reality and the world her mind playing with her.

Yes she cannot deny this place sometimes trigger her. But she has no plan on moving anywhere nor leaving this place. This place is too...meaningful for her. 

Especially during times when she came back home only to be greeted by silence. When usually she would find Seulgi sitting on the couch, resting while waiting for her to come back home. Always been a sight Irene anticipate everytime she got back from work.

But now...all she could see is nothing. Empty. Just like how her heart feeling after years. Irene sigh as she went to the pantry and grab her last remaining bread. Only to get to get bitter taste. Which mean it’s stale. 

Again Irene sigh. Technically she’s not hungry. She just feel the need to bite something. Can this day get any better?

“Stale food will make you die. Do you know that?”

“No”

“Well then you should try it”

“Despite how much I want to die, you’re not in the place to tell me what to do”

“Why? I’m your girlfriend” 

Irene put down her glass and sigh. Talking to her hallucination is what she has been doing for the past few years. Sometime she let her effect her. Sometime she don’t. And today is the day where she doesn’t want her to effect her.

“True. But you’re dead” said Irene as she took her medication and swallow it.

She was standing five feet from where she is. After she took her medication, her hallucination gone. She wonder until when she need to drink this. More like until when she stop seeing Seulgi? 

Perhaps the answer to that question is she doesn’t want to stop seeing Seulgi. Maybe that’s the reason why she can’t never move on. 

.

.

.

I want to see you, Seul. Touch you and...feel you. But you're gone.