A gaze traveled through the thin stream of steam that heaved itself off of the melted cheese pizza in slow, lazy curls and dances. The small kitchen was filled to the brim with the alluring aroma, and if there was even a small gap from the tiny window to the left of the table for two, the scent would surely leak out like a broken egg yolk and attract all neighborhood cats for dinner just as always.

Jongin's elbow was planted on the table as his palm cupped his chiseled chin, occasionally smiling as he watched his best friend from across the table.
Oh Sehun; where could Jongin even start? Maybe it was his light brown hair - that ashy blonde that suited him so well - or his firm jaw, or even the way it cutely jutted to one side whenever he thought no one was looking at him, but there was simply something about him that enthralled Jongin to the greatest extent.
“What are you staring at, you toad?” The brunette chuckled as he toyed with the crust in his thumb and middle and index fingers, his eyes meeting Jongin's after a little bit.
The blonde shrugged. He couldn't exactly say what was truly on his mind (and that was just how breathtaking Sehun looked in a plain old white shirt that, at the right angles, could show off all his biceps and even the muscles that held onto his stomach) since his friend had made it very clear that he didn't swing 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 way. Or at least, it seemed like that. Jongin had never heard Sehun mention a boyfriend, nor had he ever seen the brunette engage in any romantic acts with another man. Girls, yes. And a lot of them, too. Each one hurt more than the last for Jongin to see in the spot he wished he could take - right by Sehun's side.
It was sad, and somewhat pitiful too, that Jongin loved his best friend so deeply when Sehun would never even begin to see him in that light. Still, the blonde didn't want to close that door yet. He hadn't done that for the past three years, and even though he knew it would only hurt him in the end, he still wanted to stay right here in case Sehun gave him a longer gaze, or a more serious touch...but it would never come. They both knew it. The one was just more firm on that stance than the other.

“Nothing. Can I not admire you?” It was a well-known fact between them (and all other girls Sehun got into bed every other weekend) that the brunette had a rather high self esteem, and his confidence was out of this world - some would even say he was arrogant, but if he was drop-dead gorgeous, then wasn't it acceptable? If he had the looks to match his haughtiness, then wasn't it even somewhat expected?
“Carry on like this, and I'll begin to think you're gay,” His tone wasn't mocking, more like playful. Jongin cringed; he often had to remind himself he hadn't come out to Sehun yet, and he doubted he ever would...or at least not until the time felt right. He didn't think his best friend would have a problem with it (Sehun was by no means a homophobic, nor would he try to stay away from Jongin if he came out), but it was a delicate subject, and it was something the blonde didn't want to rush.
“Don't be silly!” Jongin laughed lightly, then grabbed a slice of the pizza to keep his mouth busy. Hopefully, the subject would change on its own.

He began to mull over his thoughts as he chewed, the usually yummy food feeling like rubber between his teeth. He felt so lost, so unsure; of course, he tried to move on, but no matter how many guys he kissed in secret, he always thought of Sehun and what it would be like if they kissed instead. His heart would probably explode if that day ever came.
Sadly, he could never place a proper image to that imagination, probably because it would never happen no matter how many times he tried to conjure it up in his lovesick brain.

“Do you mind?” Sehun asked as he snatched his pack of cigarettes on the table - he always asked beforehand, but Jongin was sure he'd still smoke even if the blonde said no.
He shrugged, then pushed the ashtray a little closer to show he didn't have a problem with it.
“But at least let me open the window so the apartment doesn't stink,” He said as he stood from the creaking wooden chair to slide open the window, gulping in the chilly but fresh nighttime air. It slapped him on the face, much like a splash of cold water, but he liked it. It gave him the opportunity to balance his rational thoughts with his fantasies about Sehun.
“So, are you going home or crashing here tonight?” He eventually asked as he leaned against the wall beside the window, the curtains dancing lightly with the wind.
“Don't ask silly questions. Why would I want to take the train back to my place at this hour?” His friend answered, and soon he took a puff of his lit cigarette. Well, it 𝑤𝑎𝑠 late.
“Hey, I just had to check. Didn't you mention another girlfriend anyway? What was her name...?” Jongin genuinely couldn't recall.
“We broke up,” Sehun replied, “a few minutes ago,”
“A few minu- you weren't even speaking to her!”
“I know. But I decided we're not together anymore, so now we're not. I'll just break the news to her tomorrow morning,”
As much as the blonde wanted to be annoyed by this, he couldn't help but smile. Sehun was so unique, his best friend really couldn't imagine anyone else doing such things, even if they were bad. No matter what he did or said, it would never be bad enough to scare Jongin away, even though that ideology would be tested in the few coming months.

They put the pizza away after Sehun had killed his cigarette in the ashtray - which was only there for him since Jongin didn't smoke - and then retreated to the blonde's bedroom which was their shared one whenever his friend came around. It wasn't such an odd thing (they had been friends ever since they were children and even back then they shared a room whenever the one would stay over) and Jongin certainly wasn't a ert nor was he a neat-freak or overbearing when Sehun stayed with him for the night or the weekend. Overall, they were well suited to stay together.

Both sets of arms were slung around one another, and Jongin pressed himself as much as he could against Sehun's rather broad chest. But while he thought of this cuddling as a romantic way, the brunette only thought of it as something best friends did - girls did it all the time, and while guys didn't openly admit it, they did it too - it wasn't physically possible for him to feel an attraction to Jongin. Not now, and probably not ever either. He had never thought of the blonde like that; if he was truly honest, Jongin was like a brother to him and that was all he would ever be.

“Why are you staring at me? Go to bed before you get black circles under your eyes,” Sehun chirped when he felt the blonde's eyes trained on him; he had the ability to sense that even when his own eyes were shut, and this wasn't the first time he had caught Jongin in this situation.
“Why can't I do it? What are you going to do?” He questioned in a snarky tone as he grinned at the brunette who peeled his eyes open to stare back at Jongin. Sehun assessed his face for a little bit, thinking of a good comeback, then simply closed his eyes again when he couldn't come up with anything.
“I didn't think so,” Jongin muttered with a small smile toying on his lips when silence ensued, then continued admiring Sehun's features in the dim light of the moon. Little did he know, it would be the last time he'd get the chance.

They were inseparable from the time they could walk, but that was only because Sehun couldn't think of anyone better than Jongin to hang out with nor a reason to find a better best friend. Whatever he did or decided, it was supported, and even though he thought it was because Jongin saw him as a brother and not the love of his life, it still made Sehun happy. Jongin did his homework for him at times, ditched classes with him (then scolded him for it later) and more that the brunette didn't feel comfortable with doing with anyone else. They were two peas in a pod, two sides to a coin; they were 𝑡ℎ𝑒 definition of best friends...or they were, until Sehun got involved with the wrong crowd. 
The wrong crowd being the local thugs.
From then on, it was just a downward spiral for Jongin and his friendship.

“Hello?” It had been a few weeks since they managed to meet up since it was hard to catch Sehun when he wasn't “busy”. That didn't mean Jongin ever stopped trying, though.

“Hey,” He said softly with a small smile, “it's been a while since we got the chance to talk,”
It was nice to hear Sehun's voice again. Jongin just wished it hadn't taken so long. Of course, he knew Sehun was messing around with the wrong type of friends now, but he couldn't really get hold of Sehun to talk to him about it until today.
“I've been busy,” Sehun answered in a flat tone; this was always his automatic response. His friend didn't expect any different.
“So I gathered. I wanted to see you, can we meet somewhere?” Jongin asked; there was so much he wanted to tell Sehun, but mainly that he had been offered an opportunity in Japan. He was a well-known dancer in Korea, but he was asked to be a choreographer in Tokyo recently; it was a great chance for him to showcase his skills even more, but he hadn't decided yet. It was a new country with a different language, and he didn't have any family there to help the transition move by smoothly for him. He would be thrown in the deep end on his own, but he had been brushing up on his Japanese the past few days, so at least he wouldn't be too useless there if he decided to go. If, being the keyword here. His feelings towards Sehun hadn't changed, and if anything, they had only grown stronger since they couldn't meet up so often. He was hurt that it was Sehun's choice for it to be this way, but Jongin's heart still laid in his palm. It definitely made him feel like a fool, but what could he do? He was a slave to his emotions and what his heart wanted, and it wanted nobody but Sehun.

“...I guess so. I'll see you by that café we used to go to,” And then, the line went dead. He sounded so cold now, maybe even a little annoyed to be bothered by Jongin, and the mentioned man sighed as he removed his phone from his ear. He wasn't dumb, he could tell the difference in his best friend's behavior towards him. And it ℎ𝑢𝑟𝑡.

Jongin got ready, then took his bicycle and rode to the bustling café him and Sehun used to go to after school a few years ago. The iced tea here was something unparalleled, and it was especially refreshing on a sweltering summer's day. But today, a rainy, rather miserable day, Jongin thought some coffee would do.
Sehun arrived about five minutes afterwards, and he sat down in front of his best friend at the same table they always used. His hair twinkled with droplets of rain, just enough to show he took a short walk through it. It was a black now, and it mirrored his expression. He never smiled much, but now he just seemed...grim. Gloomy. Maybe even irritated. Jongin couldn't tell - he could never really read Sehun or his thoughts. Now was no different.

“What did you want to see me for?” His tone cut the warm air like a dagger, a certain impatience pouring into the air between them. This certainly wasn't Jongin's best friend - an imposter, someone pretending to be Sehun...or that's what Jongin tried to tell himself. Sehun grew up and grew out of his friendship with Jongin the moment he was offered something more exciting (running around with knives and guns and high off of adrenaline) than simple nights in with pizza. There was no chance for Jongin to even attempt stopping the change.
“I've missed you,” He sounded pathetic even to himself as his palms slid around the warm cup in front of him to hold once the coffee arrived, and Sehun simply stared as if Jongin hadn't spoken.
He almost whimpered at the pain he felt in his chest at that.
“I've been offered a job in Japan,” He sighed, and Sehun shrugged, “so go,”
“W-what?” Jongin stuttered, then coughed as the hot stream of coffee slid into his throat unprepared.

“Go. What do you want me to tell you?” Sehun questioned as he leaned back in his chair, flicking some of his bothersome hair out of his face. The Sehun Jongin had fallen for wouldn't have been so nonchalant about something like this, but he had changed. Very much, in fact.
“But...but...it's a full-time thing! Don't you care about that? Won't you-” Jongin gulped, “won't you miss me?”
“Miss you?!” Sehun demanded as his eyebrows creased, then sighed as his features tightened.
“Look, just because you haven't found other friends, I have. And I'm happier like this, to be honest. Maybe I'm the only thing you think about, but it's not the same for me,” He said as he diverted his eyes to the table instead.
Jongin was stunned into silence, and he bit his lip as he felt his throat sting with the tears that threatened to leak. Sehun wasn't this mean to him before, and he hated to see this side of the man he had known for just over twenty five years.
“I just liked being around you. How could that change so quickly for you? It's only been a few weeks and you're already pushing me away for a bunch of thugs? We've known each other our whole lives! Doesn't that mean anything to you?” He demanded, and Sehun stayed quiet for a little bit.
“It does mean something to me. But you're too much,” He said eventually.
“Too much? What does that even mean?!”
“You were always on my case. Or you always wanted to stick to my side like glue. It's like you were obsessed with me...if that makes sense,”
“I wasn't obsessed, I was in love!” It had finally come out. Jongin hadn't intended to say it like this (or even at all), but now it was out in the open.
“You mean all those years, you-” Sehun couldn't think of what to say, so he stopped mid-sentence. Of course, he suspected it, but he didn't think it was true. It couldn't be; they were the best friends that everyone else wanted to be! It felt wrong of him to feel betrayed, but that's exactly how he felt, like he was cheated out of a proper friendship just because his “best friend” was in love with him.
“Yes,” Jongin mumbled as he scratched his red cheek, and they both avoided each other's gazes for so long it became awkward. Anyone in the surrounding area would probably pick up on the atmosphere too from how stiff the two men were sitting.

“You should still go to Japan...and not hold onto something that isn't there like you've been doing for so long,” Sehun said after about ten minutes of cringe-worthy silence, and that same cold, mean demeanor was back. Maybe even worse than before now.
“Really? You're just going to let it all go as if nothing happened?” Jongin was dumbfounded once again.
“What do you want me to do, Jongin? Bow down and thank you for loving me? You know I've never had anything but brotherly love for you. To hear you had something else in mind...” Sehun sighed, then stood.
“You've always wanted to go far with your dancing, and now that you finally have the chance, you shouldn't hesitate,” While he meant this in the nicest way possible, Jongin perceived it as something else.
𝑆𝑜 ℎ𝑒'𝑠 𝑡𝑟𝑦𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑜 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑟𝑖𝑑 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑒.
He said nothing, and Sehun left. It was the last time they'd see each other, mainly because Jongin made a permanent home in Japan and Sehun never had the time to see him.

They stopped talking eventually too, and while it was an extremely bitter moment for Jongin to accept Sehun didn't see him as even a friend anymore, he did his best to get over it. Even though Sehun didn't spare him a second thought, he often thought of the other man, even years down the line; he had had such an intense affection for Sehun that he couldn't simply let it go. But even then, when he had begun looking for love in Tokyo, a little piece of his heart still remained with Sehun, no matter how far or dead that piece might've been.

It would always be like that, even when they were both in their graves many, many years later. And Jongin didn't regret it for a single second.