“Torn”
A poem by PlateauWorld

“I loved her and her plasticine heart
Is this what it comes to when two are apart?
How do they even end? Where did they start? ...


[Gangdong-gu, Seoul]



The most that you wished for this ‘moment of truth’ was for Judy to just say she was through with loving you. You can see in her eyes that there was nothing, no tears to shed or any sort of love laid out for the years. The classic ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ line, supported by the roaring building three blocks down the road with the initials ‘JYP’. One day she was this college girl you met on the train, the next she was soaring the music charts - life is truly strange.

“I have to go home now. I still have rehearsals tomorrow.” Judy said as she stood up.

“Judy, if you can look five years into the future now, and you somehow still see me beside you - then don’t throw away our love.” You pleaded with tears streaming down your face.

“Ten years. Still nothing.” Judy said before walking away towards the line of cabs.

Even with the will of a hundred men or more can never do. The best you can do now is just to suppress the noises of your bawling, but the teardrops won’t ever go away soon. Not particularly sure if the convenience store owner was commiserating or goading, but surely the tin of beer he settled on your table will help with the pain. Couple minutes went by with just closed eyes, and hoping for a better life. It was getting late, so you decided to return to your hotel in Gangnam, and then figure out next what to do with the rest of your stay in Seoul.

... Do I thank my lucky stars that night?
The unattainable blessing in disguise
In a blink of an eye, she changed my life …

[Gangnam-gu, Seoul]

One thing you learned in life is that if you’re going to go for something, make the most out of it, and if you wake up tomorrow - then that will be the day that you die. You got off the Uber, paid the due, and walked up the steps of the hotel entrance. The doorman opens the entrance for you with a sincere greeting that you chose not to acknowledge. Standing in front of the lobby, you had a conundrum at hand: Will you just lie on your bed? Or will you sleep soundly?
You were contemplating whether to call Judy, or not.

Weighing the options through a half-sober mind, your attention was swayed by a girl that passed by in front of you. She looked like Chaeryeong, and maybe it was her. Maybe it was just your mind playing tricks on you, because the differing hair colour and set of clothes were definitely contrasting, yet still even if you can admit for yourself that you’ve had a pint, you’re still not out of reality. You watched from behind as this girl marched towards the lifts, waiting for one to head to her hotel room. Thinking on your feet, you sprinted to the lifts, and now beside her, you took a deep breath and waited in silence along with her.

Trying your best not to seem so conspicuous on taking glimpses from her side, your reaction of shock sends a widespread signal all over when she herself looks your way. You tried your best to remain calm, but like what was said, the eyes never lie. This girl gave out a smug expression, then she left to go to the hotel bar instead. You watched as she passed by you again, and great timing that the lift you were both waiting for finally arrived.

Empty and waiting, the elevator ceased, and all that was left was for you to board it. It seems like you weren’t vying for the first option anymore, and truly the heart wants what it wants, you let go of the elevator button and also sprinted to the hotel bar like a juvenile hotel guest - even tripping on your way over. Receiving help from one of the bellboys, you quickly recovered and went on your way to the lounge.

… We could’ve been cheap talking on wine

Instead she made me feel that everything will be fine
Even if we both knew it wouldn’t at the time …

Strolling inside the hotel bar, you saw an array of empty tables, except for the one occupied by the same girl you were intrigued about. Not wanting to attract attention to yourself, you slowly went to a table by the farthest corner of the room, distant from the girl - but this plan goes into ruins when the bartender greets you loudly. It was so audible that it crept through the music, prompting the girl to look behind her and see the apparent scene.

Now completely embarrassed of your presence, you dared not to look at the girl, and just put a pretentious smile on your face for the bartender. The bartender was sure to ask what drink would you want to order, and granted you weren’t a big drinker on the hard stuff, you had no idea what to order. Since you were already at your lowest point this evening, there’s nothing else to do but mount the antics, and forget it the next morning.

“Vodka Martini - Shaken, not stirred.” You said to the bartender.

The bartender nodded his head and went straight away to make your cocktail. Trying to test the waters if the unspoken tension was gone, you gradually faced towards the girl’s direction, but to your surprise - she was right behind you.


“Are you following me?” She asked you.

“No! Heavens no! I just- I just want- I was just curious where the sound was coming from.” You alibied.

“Right. You’re not here for me?” The girl asked once more.

“Look - I hope you don’t see this the wrong way, I mean more than what the situation presents itself. Yes, I admit, I’m here because you look like someone I knew.” You confessed.

“Wait a minute. I know who you are, you’re Chaeryeong’s boyfriend.” She somehow recognised you.

And then it dawned on you, you knew precisely now who you were talking to - it’s Judy’s sister.

“You’re Lee Chaeyeon. Judy’s older sister!” You exclaimed.

“So glad to finally meet you!” Chaeyeon extended her hand for a shake.

“Likewise! But, I’m no longer Chaeryeong-ah’s boyfriend. She just branded me as her ex an hour ago.” You said whilst shaking Chaeyeon’s hand.

“Oh! What happened?!” Chaeyeon was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know, I’ve been wondering that as well.” You answered.

“Come sit with me, let’s talk about it.” Chaeyeon invited you to her table.

Achieving what you fancied in an unorthodox manner, it played out for the best. You joined Chaeyeon, and right at the moment you sat with her, the server delivered your cocktail. Seeing this slight distaste on Chaeyeon’s part, you instantly realised she wasn’t keen on liquor. You never really wanted to drink anymore anyway, so instead you came up with a quick compromisation.

You instructed the server to tell the bartender there was this bellboy from earlier that helped you with something, and to show your appreciation, you bought him that drink. The server understood your instructions and returned the beverage to the bartender - who then signalled you that he received the message clearly. Turning your attention to Chaeyeon once more, you saw in her eyes that she was patiently waiting for you.

More than what you desired to see in her eyes, you were quickly taken over by anguish. Soon followed the lines on your face, which made Chaeyeon explore through your tragedy.

“Are you okay?” Chaeyeon worried.

“Yes - it’s just … You look so much like her. I know that’s not your fault, but you know when you look at someone and you thought you knew them, but then at the end you’d question yourself what did you really know?” You relayed.

“Chaeryeong-ah never told you why she left suddenly back then?” Chaeyeon opens the topic.

“She said it was a family matter. I couldn’t really care to be honest, because when I saw her in that café that day, it didn’t matter much to me where she'd been, all I cared was that she was back.” You admitted.

“Well, it’s not that she was dishonest with you, it’s more like she didn’t tell you the entirety of it.” Chaeyeon discloses.

“Tell me what?” You braced yourself.

“Like me, she always wanted to be a KPOP idol. We were trainees for a very long time. The day she left for South Korea, that was the day she signed to debut with ITZY. She had to return soon so she could finish her last year in the university, then pack up to go back again. It’s not that she doesn’t love you anymore … It’s just that it’s time for her to put her dreams upfront first.” Chaeyeon revealed it to you.

“What are you gonna tell me next? That if I truly love her, I should just let her go?” You hypothesised.

“No - it seems like you already knew that anyway.” Chaeyeon replied with a wink and her signature smile.

They were sisters, all right. So cliché, yet so genuine.

“If you don’t mind me asking though, what were you doing at a hotel here in Gangnam?” You inquired.

“Friend’s birthday. We’re gonna staycation.” Chaeyeon answered.

“Oh, have fun then. Well, this has been a great night, Chaeyeon-ssi. Thank you for telling me what I think I needed to know. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get going now - I still have to come up with a new plan on spending my remaining two weeks here in Korea.” You bid goodnight.

You stood up from your chair, bowed to Chaeyeon, and left the hotel bar. Now truly content, and at the very least better than earlier evening, you made your way to your room. Passing by the concierge, you saw the same bellboy earlier making his way to the hotel bar.

… Like last time, she too is now in my swevens
Proving our minds are our own demons
I needed a fix for my addictions …

-

[One week later…]

7 days down, 7 more to go before leaving. Luckily, you were able to come up with a contingency plan to visit some tourist spots in Seoul, mostly the museums. Still, it wasn’t enough because some days were just dabbling in the hotel anyway you liked. Lying in bed, watching TV, your phone rang. Taking a look at who was calling, it was a random number, and it made you hesitant to answer. The ringing stopped, and you shrugged it off that it was just a wrong number.

A few more minutes passed, and this time it was your hotel phone ringing. You immediately picked it up, and it was the front desk conveying a message from an outside message. The message said that it was from a friend of yours - a girl named Lee Chaeyeon. She invited you for dinner this evening at 7, she said to wear a suit, with an added note that next time you should answer your phone if someone is calling. The front desk then said Chaeyeon left an address of a restaurant for you, a restaurant in Gangnam named le Ciel.

You thanked the front desk for their service, and you dropped the call. An unexplainable rush of excitement conquered your rational thoughts - and you found yourself fussing through your wardrobe looking for a suit.

-

The time was now 6:30 PM, and you’ve taken a last look in the mirror before leaving your hotel room. Descending to the lobby, you approached the front desk to thank them for their assistance earlier, and they heavily appreciate your gesture. You then exited the hotel, the doorman flagged a taxi for you, and you slipped him a tip. You then showed the restaurant photo on your phone to the driver, and he understood right away where to go. So far so good, the night hasn’t inevitably crumbled to disaster yet.

The travel time was just around 10-15 minutes, being that le Ciel was also in the same district your hotel was in, what made it longer were the stoplights. Arriving at le Ciel’s front, you paid the taxi driver and he bid you a good evening before you got off. Watching the taxi speed away was the last moments of your night that you knew you had control of.

… Ascending the stairway to Heaven
I saw an angel who resembled my obsession
It’s as if she knew my only concession ...

The maître d'hôtel welcomed you once you got to the reception area. She then asked you if you had a reservation or if you were already with someone else - and you answered you were meeting with a girl named Lee Chaeyeon. The maître d'hôtel instantly brightened up and led you to the left of the restaurant, away from the main dining area at the right. She then directed you towards a flight of stairs leading to the outdoor area of the restaurant on the second floor. You thanked her, then you climbed the stairs. Once you got to the top, you opened the door leading you to the outdoor area, where there was only one person there looking out on the view from the railings.



“Chaeyeon-ssi?” You called her attention.

“Oh, 안녕! How are you?” Chaeyeon exchanged pleasantries with you as she led you to your table.

“Well, I’ve been bored out of my mind.” You admitted.

“I thought so, that’s why tonight, let’s make it your best night in Seoul yet!” Chaeyeon motivates you.

A server then arrived from the inside to serve you and Chaeyeon a bottle of champagne, with two appropriate glasses. He then poured the two glasses for you and Chaeyeon as you both sat down. Chaeyeon handed you the other glass and she claimed the other, you both then did a toast before having a sip. The server bowed before leaving.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I ordered for us already.” Chaeyeon informed you.

“Err not at all. I trust your judgement.” You replied.

-

Before you knew it, you both were downing Champagne bottles faster than you can both admit you were plastered. Dinner came soon, and soon it went as well. With you and Chaeyeon having a taste at the high society life for one night - you both were pushing it to the edges of reality, with a small amount of arrogance. Needless to say, it wasn’t a night of basking in a posh, sophisticated, and cumbersome lifestyle. It was a night of throwing it away, forgetting yesterday, a sort of great escape.

It was now 9 PM, three bottles in, you and Chaeyeon were evidently tipsy. Throughout the entire night spent together, you two grew closer with each other. From essential talks about dreams and aspirations, to nonsensical conversations about suits and the night sky.

Garnering both your attention, a string quartet emerged from the inside to play you and Chaeyeon a lovely tune. Now that ‘all bets were off the table’, actions can be pursued through a masquerade. The musicians took place around your table, and once they were comfortable, they started playing a very distinct and cognisable tone - the French classic ‘La Vie En Rose’.

… Because she held me close
And I held her fast
I was able to see ‘la vie en rose’...

Without much thinking, you held out your hand signifying your offer to Chaeyeon for a dance. At first she was shy, but after taking one quick gulp of her champagne, she took your hand and dragged you to the spacious area where you both could slow dance.
With her arms around your shoulders, and your hands on her waists, you both swayed to the chant of the violin. Looking in each other’s eyes, it was agreeable there was a mix of hindered feelings and liquor coursing through each of your systems - which led to a forbidden kiss.

The instruments have finally stopped playing, and crawling back to your senses was never easy when you and Chaeyeon had an untold agreement that you both don’t want to stop and open your eyes. One had to give out soon, and that was Chaeyeon, who then calmly pushed you aside so she could return to her seat. You then turned to the string quartet to hand them money as a token of your gratitude for their performance.

… But now I’m torn
I have no one left to adore
Who is my heart really for?”

Sitting back down on the table, you can see Chaeyeon’s constant efforts not to meet your eyes with hers. Wishing to hear her say something, she only said three words: “Don’t tell Chaeryeong.”

The night was followed by arrant silence, no messages, no calls, with no love to begin with. As you close your eyes to try and fall asleep, you twist and turn on your bed, only to end up staring out the window of your hotel room. Seeing all the city lights, cars that accelerate down the highways, you can’t come to a decision on whom to truly love - yourself or Chaeryeong.

When days come and go like seconds only went by, you couldn’t help but feel stuck when you know it was time to pack up your suitcase and go back home. Chaeryeong has a prosperous career, and matter how much you both loved each other, sometimes love just ain’t enough. You rode the elevator one last time going down, you dragged your suitcase towards the front desk and initiated the check out procedure. For one last time, you were able to see the cordial smiles of the hotel staff that did their best to make your stay in Seoul a little much better - and for that you would always be thankful.

Leaving the building with no way of turning back, the doorman offered to flag down a cab for you, but you declined. You said you had a ride to the airport, and right on cue a sedan pulls over in front of the hotel. The trunk opened, and you stashed your bags in. You then went to the passenger seat beside the driver to enjoy one last care ride in Korea.

“Put on your seatbelt, please.” Chaeyeon said.

“You drive recklessly that I need to put on my seatbelt?” You jested.

“I am not driving you to the airport unless you put on your seatbelt!” Chaeyeon nagged.

“All right, I’m putting it on!” You said as you put on your seatbelt.

You and Chaeyeon shared a heartfelt laugh before she started driving down the road. In the end, love may not be enough, but love surely is strong. Your love for Chaeryeong was enough to urge you to commit mistakes, cry, feel happiness, go to the otherside of the planet, and ultimately choose to say goodbye. In the eyes of many, she’ll be Lee Chaeryeong of ITZY, but in your eyes, she’ll always be ‘Judy’ - the girl you met on the train.
Someday soon, that memory has to fade, but how can you forget someone who keeps reaching out?