Seoho was on the rooftop again.

He was lying flat on the cold ground, arms and legs spread out as he watched the few twinkling lights splattered across the dark canvas of the sky.

What started as an escape from the group’s chores had led him to discover the door to the roof. He definitely should be a lot more worried about the fact that the door leading up wasn’t even locked or had any kind of alarm on it, but it was to his advantage in that situation so he didn’t question it further.

After that one time where he spent a whole afternoon up there while the other members were looking for him, watching the sky turned from blue to hues of orange, he’d regularly gone back up there.

He would go when the dorms felt too much. When suddenly there were too many bodies too close to him and he needed out. He would sit up there for a bit, letting the breeze wash away the feeling crawling over his skin until he could breath again.

When it wasn’t any of the others’ fault but his own he would find himself up there as well. When his mind was going in overdrive and there were millions of thoughts buzzing around and he couldn’t stop one.

In those moments he’d sit on the roof and sing to himself. Anything that came to mind just to over power the intrusive thoughts until they were back to dull white noise at the back of his mind.

The members had caught on pretty quickly where he was going and surprisingly had let him be. 

Keonhee would come up to check on him now when it’s been more than a few hours, but would never ask anything or stay, he would just make sure he hadn’t tripped and fell over the edge as he phrased it dismissively to him one day.

Youngjo was the only one who would come and sit with him on occasion.

The oldest always knew when he was welcomed or not. Always knew how close or how far to sit and when to talk or shut up.

They were attuned to one another in a way he almost found creepy.

Almost.

He’d never admit out loud that he found it incredibly comforting.

The temperature had started to drop recently and he could feel the tingling sensation on his cheeks, a fleeting thought telling him they were probably rosy now. He let out a small sigh, watching his breath spread above him in thin threads, swirling and swerving among the stars before disappearing in the night.

He did it again.

It was mesmerizing to see the strands spread out in the cold air, thinning out until nothing remained but the night sky looking back down on him.

The city lights didn’t allow for much stars to peak through usually, but tonight was an exceptionally clear night. The moon was high and full, a moonbeam running across his body as only a few clouds could be seen.

He slowly raised a hand up, distantly noticing the stiffness of his fingers as he observed the light casting shadows over them.

Rationally he knew the stars and moon were light years away from him. Unattainable. Unreachable.

But in that moment, he felt like if he only spread his fingers and reached up a little bit more he could grab on to the moon. Hold it in the palm of his hand.

He closed one eye, tilting his head to the side as he watching the moon slot itself in his grasp.

“ What are you doing?”

He jumped at the voice, not expecting it.

It was said softly, with a fond touch to each word.

Tilting his head backward almost painfully, he saw a familiar pair of shoes walking closer to him and stopping at his head.

He moved his head back to just laying on the concrete ground, eyes linking with Youngjo who was looking down at him with soft eyes and a small smile. The older man reached out and took the hand he had extended up, running his thumb over the smooth skin.

“ You’re freezing…”

“ I’m fine…”

The older moved to the side without another word, sitting himself down while never letting go of his hand. He didn’t try to pull away, simply squeezed back as he felt Youngjo’s warmth slowly creeping through to his numb fingers.

It was nice.

Nothing else was added as both of them basked in each other’s presence and Seoho got lost once again into the night sky. He tried aimlessly to count the stars, connecting them into impossible patterns until he lost count or sight of where he was. Until they all blurred together into a kaleidoscope of colours, forcing him to blink it all away to focus his vision once more.

He was on his sixth attempt when he felt a prickling sensation on his side, distracting him from his counting.

Letting his head lolled to the side, he was met with Youngjo’s soft brown eyes staring at him.

He would be lying if the intensity he saw in the other man’s eyes didn’t scare him sometimes. His eyes reflected everything he thought and felt, a direct mirror to his soul and most of the time, Seoho didn’t know how to handle it.

He’d never been good with handling compliments or positive comments. 

Insults and criticism those he could deal with. He could always shrug it off or turn it into a joke, make something else out of it while he smiled to deflect the blow. It was easy and he’d become a master at it over the years. But when faced with praised, it disarmed him completely. He felt more bare than if he was actually in the middle of a crowded room.

And Youngjo, with his intense gaze and skillful, beautiful hands, had a way of stripping him, literally and metaphorically, of every layers of his being, leaving nothing behind but his raw core.

He managed to convey with only a glance a thousand words left unsaid, and yet, Seoho understood every single one of them. Every intonation, every subtlety he understood perfectly and that terrified him.

He was terrified of how much he could read in those eyes, a never ending book filled with passion, laughter, hardship, adoration.

Love.

He was terrified to find out what his eyes were saying back.

his dry lips unconsciously, Seoho broke the connection they had, looking down at the Jacket Youngjo was wearing, finding the tacky pattern incredibly interesting.

“ What you’re looking at like that…”

“ you.”

It was said so simply. Without any hesitation.

Seoho scoffed to hide his embarrassment, glancing at the other before turning his head back to the night sky.

“ It’s more interesting up there.”

He felt a tug on the hand Youngjo had in his as the older man shifted and lied down on his side, cushioning his head under his free arm and resting both their hands on his stomach, forcing Seoho to turn his body toward him. He could now feel the heat radiating from his body as they lay close to each other.

The ghost of his warm breath brushing against his cheek.

“ I’d say debatable, but entertain me…”

Finally, Youngjo took his eyes off him and looked up to the stars, letting his eyes lazily wander over the large canvas of the night.

“ What do you see when you look up into to sky?”

What he saw?

He pondered over that question for a moment, his own eyes tracing over the twinkling lights. 

He obviously saw the stars.

Astronomical luminous spheres of gas held together by their own gravity, shining by radiating energy from their internal sources. Out of the tens of billions of trillions of stars in the known universe, only a very handful of them are visible to the eye. Just like everything else they had a due date and one day, they’ll stop shining and disappear.

Just the thought of that sometimes was enough to keep him on the roof for hours, eyes locked on the sky.

Most of the time however, he didn’t think about the science behind it all.

The emptiness of the night sky surprisingly helped to calm his beehive like mind. Something about the vastness of the universe just lulled his mind and helped him breath better.

“Nothing… Everything. I don’t know depends on the day… I like trying to count the stars sometimes. Or just imagining how they would feel if you could hold them in my hands.Usually, on a clear night like now, l try to find all the constellations I learned a few years back…”

Seoho let his eyes travelled over the dots, quickly connecting a few of them and finding Ursa Major.

He’d gone camping a few years back and had made it his mission to find all the constellations and memorizing them when his sister had told him they were hard to find.

“ I could never find them. They all look the same…”

Youngjo laughed quietly next to him, rubbing his thumb unconsciously  over his hand as his eyes were still searching.

“ How do you even know where to look…”

In a move considered bold for him, Seoho shifted closer to him, now their sides completely glued together.

He rarely initiated physical contact with the other members, not because he hated them or anything like that, he loved them all very much even if he teased them mercilessly, but simply that it wasn’t in his nature to be touchy. Just like compliments, he didn’t know how to receive affection, and that made his antsy.

So he usually deflected and dodged out because he simply didn’t know how to handle so many people wanting to love him. He was aware that five people wasn’t a lot, but to him it seemed like a crowd at time, especially when they decided to all team up on him.

The only one who could get away with it now was the older boy lying next to him.

Youngjo had been allowed inside his lowered barriers and passed his lowered shield, a privilege he does not take lightly. 

As the exclusive member of the Seoho’s boyfriend club, the other man intend on using all the perks of that title, and return it ten fold. 

He was already an affectionate and touchy person by nature. He loved spoiling each of the members and never shy away from telling them he loved them, an arm wrapped around them more often than not. 

But with him, Youngjo was so careful. Always gentle and soft, as if he was made of glass, and patient. Oh so patient.

Never has he forced anything, or pushed more than he was given.

Every gesture, every look, every kiss had so many emotions laced into them. It made Seoho’s want to scream at time, scream about how unfair it all was that it seemed so easy, so natural for him to throw his love out when he couldn’t even initiate a hug without questioning it.

“ Seoho?”

He was brought back by the other man’s voice who had turned his head to look at him, their nose almost touching. He hadn’t realized he’d turned his head to look at him.

his lips and cleaning his throat, he pulled their intertwined hands up toward the sky, resting his head on Youngjo as he looked back up.

“ H-Here…”

He pointed to one of the brighter star, using their arms as a guide.

“ That’s the end of the tail… And if you trace like that…”

He moved their hands over to the next star and so forth, tracing the shape of the constellation.

“ And that’s Ursa Major… The great bear.”

There was a moment of silence before Youngjo let out a small breathy laugh.

“ I can’t see it.”

It’s Seoho’s turn to giggle, unconsciously pressing closer to the older man.

“ You have to use your imagination a bit… Look it’s the tail and the body.”

He traced it again with their hands, smile spreading on his face. It was cute to see how concentrated the other was

“ That… Doesn’t look like a bear at all.”

“I said use your imagination! It’s like when you’re making shapes out of clouds! See, that’s the tail…”

He moved their hands back and forth between the four stars making the tail, shaking their arms in the process as he kept on giggling.

“ And that’s the body there!”

He moved their arms around in a square shaped figure, connecting the rest of the start together.

“ See! Tail.”

He redid the tail.

“ Body!”

He traced the body again, making both of them shake as he moved their arms around.

“ Do you see it?”

He was still laughing when he turned his head to look at Youngjo, noticing now that the other one was already watching him, a soft smile on his lips and eyes filled with adoration.

“ Yeah…”

“ No you don’t you liar…”

He chuckled, bringing their hands up to his lips and kissing Seoho’s palm gently, resting it on his cheek afterwards.

“ Ok fine, guilty…. I got distracted by a prettier sight.”

He let out another giggle, feeling his cheeks warming up embarrassingly quick. He pushed at the other’s face gently, rolling his eyes.

“ Gross. You’re so cheesy…”

“ Extra cheese, just for you.”

He pushed at his face again, unable to stop his smile from spreading even wider. Still, he kept his cold fingers on his cheek after, gently brushing it as he watched the chilly night making the flesh rosy.

He trailed his index finger to his lips, brushing over them before continuing down his sharp jaw. Passed his long neck and prominent Adam’s apple that Seoho would never admit out loud he found incredibly attractive, until he finally stopped on his chest, poking him.

“ You’re too much…”

“ You like it.”

And he did.

He loved it so much.

Maybe it was wishful thinking, and that one part of his brain kept on telling him at one point it would all end, but he wanted Youngjo to keep being cheesy with him. To look at him like he was the most precious thing in the world, to hold his hand for hours on end and not get tired of it. He wanted the “ I love you” whispered in his ear at random times of the day to last forever.

He suddenly had the urge to kiss him.

Seoho had never been big on words.

Words were hard. They would get stuck in his throat, and scrape their way up like sand paper until they splattered out in not particular order, creating a incomprehensible mess. Words of affection were even harder, they choked him up until he felt like he couldn’t breath anymore.

But he could show his affection. 

And he hoped in the small gestures he did. In the kisses and touches he initiated, the other understood how much he meant to him.

Instead of answering him, he leaned forward until their lips touched.

Youngjo seemed surprised for a second before kissing him back, reaching over to hold on to him like his life depended on it.

They continued on kissing, time escaping both of them as the world around them disappeared and nothing else mattered. The cold left his frozen limbs as his mind felt quiet. At ease finally.

When he pushed away to catch his breath, however long later that was, the sight of the older man with red plump lips made him fall even harder. His little giggle getting stuck in his throat when their gaze connected.

There, into the other man’s eyes, he could see every words ever left unsaid.

He could see the love, the adoration. The devotion.

He could see the stars reflecting back into the brown orbs under the moonlight, sparkling like the most precious and expensive stones.

What do you see when you look up into to sky?

You, he wanted to say. The answer coming up so easily in his mind. So clearly it didn’t even require any thoughts.

That was the kind of thing Youngjo would blurt out without any hesitation.

Instead, he leaned forward and kissed him again.

 

 

Most elements on earth were formed at the heart of a star. Our bodies are quite literally made from the remnants of starts and explosions the galaxies… We are made of stardust, so when I look at the stars, I can say now that the beauty of the night sky is within you…