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Ever since Chorong left 3 months ago, Eunji’s life had never been the same. It was harder to smile and kept the act now that the older girl wasn’t by her side. When Chorong told Eunji that she never cared for her, it would be lying if Eunji said it didn’t hurt. It stung like hell. There was never a moment she never cared for her girl – no, ex-girlfriend now. She always cared for the older girl with her own way. Eunji knew everything about Chorong like flipping the back of her palm.

About all of Chorong’s anxieties? Eunji knew. About Chorong’s hidden jealousy? Eunji noticed. Chorong’s favorite things, foods, movies, and any of her dislikes? Eunji knew everything about Chorong yet people thought that she didn’t. Especially after the news of their break up which had spread around the campus like wildfire. People talked about it every single day and there was no day passed without Eunji thinking about how she wanted to punch them for talking bad about her without knowing the truth from her side. Sure, she’d been the bad guy from Chorong’s point of view. But it was better like that. She couldn’t handle if she was the one to end everything. It’d make everything harder for her.

To be honest to say, Eunji didn’t know she would end up like this when she had first met Chorong back at high school. She hadn’t expected Chorong would want to be with someone like her back then. Someone so different with how Chorong had expected her first love. Eunji was far from Chorong’s ideal type, yet it was her that she ended up with.

The Eunji Chorong and the others knew was different with the Eunji whenever she was alone. The Eunji which Chorong and the others knew was confident, kind, playful, creative, optimistic, and outgoing when in reality, the Eunji in real life was far from any of it. The Eunji when she was alone was someone who always felt lost, anxious, antsy, worrywart, and broken. All of those she’d shown were the persona she’d put on so people wouldn’t see how broken she was.

People had always told her that Chorong should be lucky to have Eunji in her life. Who wouldn’t want someone kind, caring, smart, and playful like her? Eunji was sure it was definitely not her. It was her who was supposed to be lucky to have Chorong in her life. No matter how many times Eunji had broken Chorong’s heart, the older girl was just so kindhearted and caring towards her.

There was a reason why Eunji had always acted like that. All of it had started when she was still at junior high. She was known throughout the school for being the kindest and helpful and bright kid. People from any age knew her. Say her name and the students or teachers would talk brightly with smiles on their faces. Talk anything bad about her, they would be the first ones to fight you. And Eunji was forever grateful for that. But one accident changed Eunji into a different person.

And that accident was caused by one of her seniors at school. Back then, Eunji was still young and naïve and didn’t understand what love meant and her innocence was often used as a tool to make Eunji became their toy.

At first, Eunji didn’t really mind since she always liked it whenever she could become help to other people. But then when a certain senior had come into her life, used her for her needs and destroyed her every being, stepped onto her heart and made her into a messed up being, Eunji was never the same again. She knew how to play the game and it was fun. Playing with people’s heart and destroyed their dignity. But no matter what happened, Eunji felt it was something wrong to do. Deep down, she was still that Eunji people knew. She knew that she shouldn’t be doing that, but it was fun to see people’s misery after being played like how she used to.

That was until her father decided to transfer her into a new high school at Seoul, far from her hometown Busan. She met Chorong who was her senior at that time. The kindhearted senior with the warmest smile in the whole school. She knew her reputation from her previous school must’ve spread already from the way people stared and whispered about her whenever they had seen her in the hallway. Chorong had always been there for her. Despite everything they’d went through, Chorong had always been there and stayed to prevent her from another breaking agenda. Lending her shoulder for Eunji to lean on, letting her shirts wet whenever Eunji was having mental breakdown. But even after that, Eunji still couldn’t live without removing that persona around her. Not that she didn’t want to, but she wasn’t ready for Chorong to witness what kind of mess she was.

Even when they were dating, Chorong never once said anything about it. Even when Eunji made ridiculous requests which would’ve annoyed anyone, Chorong agreed. But those requests were only distractions so people wouldn’t know what she was hiding. By hiding their relationship, Eunji wanted to make sure Chorong was safe from people’s words. She didn’t want to make it any harder for the older girl. She’d had enough share of hardships from her already. She didn’t want to add another one to the older girl.

 Being her girlfriend was already hard enough, added the weight of being the student council’s president and the secret which only both of them knew, it was more than Chorong could handle. But she did it anyway. That was why on Chorong’s 3^rd year, Eunji gathered the courage to propose her. With the meaning of starting a new life together. But it didn’t occur to her that Chorong was more than tired and at her lowest point. And what had scared her the most happened 2 weeks before final and Chorong would graduate soon. Her biggest nightmare was Chorong leaving her alone with her half-mended heart.

 Eunji was still in the process of healing herself while basking into the presence of her girlfriend. Whenever she was tired, she would go to Chorong and ask the older girl to hug her until she fell into deep slumber and met the older girl in her dream. It was her happiest moment, but everything just had to happen. With Chorong leaving, Eunji’s heart was left as how it was. Empty with big scar decorating, half mended with pieces still scattered away. Eunji only needed some more time to heal herself and show who she truly was to Chorong.

It might be a little bit dramatic to say that her time had stopped moving ever since Chorong had left her. But it was the truth. As if enchanted by the beauty of the memories they’d made, Eunji stopped there. Frozen with the stopped time. She couldn’t forget everything that easily. Wherever she went or whatever she did, her memories about Chorong would flash into her mind and it hurt so much.

No matter how hard the urge to just talk to Chorong, she decided that she wouldn’t be able to if she couldn’t fix herself as the top priorities. She’d shown what kind of a mess she was to the world; she didn’t have anything to cover up anymore. What she wanted now was the return of her inner peace and the only woman in her life to come back to her.

For a countless night she’d spent alone, she kept coming back to the bar near her apartment and got wasted every single time. Thank god Hayoung and Bomi didn’t live in the same apartment unit with her anymore. She couldn’t bear to let them see how helpless she was without Chorong around. But what could she say? they knew way better than anything. It was better like this.

Eunji was having her last class for the week before preparing for the finals that would start in a few days. That would also mean, Chorong had started her own preparations too. knowing the older girl, she would be too occupied with all the materials and notes to review for the exam. She would stay inside her cramped room with cups of coffee to accompany her study night. But exam time also meant losing the memory of grabbing something to eat and Eunji needed to do something for eat.

Taking out her purse from the cling bag she wore for her class, she checked how much cash she’d with her. She’d more than 30.000 won with her, it should be enough. She decided to leave the faculty building to avoid meeting Chorong in that kind of state. No matter what happened, both of them were still in the same faculty with the major differences only. But at times, both of them also happened to have one same class even though Chorong attended it less frequently since it wasn’t a major class for her to take.

Walking to the mart across from the university building, Eunji went to the snack’s aisle directly. She picked Chorong’s favorite snacks and put it in the basket while taking some for her too. then she went to the beverage aisle and take the tea product she and Chorong liked. Then, she also put in breads with any kind of fillings inside, such as cheese, meat, curry, or even vegetables. All for Chorong. When she thought it was enough, she went to the cashier and paid for all the items she bought and it earned a weird look from the person behind the cashier as well, but he didn’t say anything to her.

Then suddenly, the memories of Chorong groaning from the lack of decent food made Eunji hastily went to the chiller where lunch boxes were stacked at. She randomly took 4 boxes which had stir fried pork, omelets, stir fried vegetables and rice inside and ran back to the cashier. Thankfully, the cashier hadn’t finished counting all. She calmly put down the boxes and asked the person to separate most of the snacks into another cloth bag, not forgetting to ask the cashier to reheat the lunch boxes too.

After paying for the things she had bought and waiting for her lunch boxes to finish, she took out her phone and texted the only Chorong’s friend she had the number of, Kim Namjoo. She didn’t even wait for Namjoo to answer her to know the response. She was sure that Namjoo was worried about Chorong too.

Soon enough, the microwaves dinged and signaled that the boxes were done. Thankfully, Namjoo arrived at the same time as the cashier took out the boxes and put them into 2 separate cloth bags again. The younger girl looked at her confusedly when Eunji handed her 4 bags full of snacks, beverages, and foods inside.

“The green bags in your hands belong to Chorong and I want you to do me a favor and take it to her, while the red one is yours. Take it as a token of gratitude for doing things for me.” Eunji explained as she smiled softly. Namjoo knitted her brows hearing that words coming from Eunji. She then looked at Eunji skeptically before opening to say, “As much as I’m happy getting free foods from you, may I ask why it has to be me to deliver these to our resident senior citizen?” Eunji laughed at that.

“She’s gonna kill you for saying that.” Eunji teased.

“Oh no, she’s not. Not when I’m kindly delivering this goodness to save her from starving herself. Now answer my question. Why don’t you do it yourself, unnie?” Namjoo asked again, this time more quietly as she didn’t want other people to eavesdropping to their talk.

“You know I can’t, Namjoo. Not like this when I’m still not fully healed yet. I don’t want Chorong to have me when I still have other scars which are yet to heal.” Eunji answered with a small smile.

Part of Namjoo was happy that Eunji was finally healing, but at the same time it hurt her as well. All this time, no one really knew that Eunji was hurting inside, not even Chorong. The girl had hidden it completely and kept it to herself only. No wonder Eunji really looked so lost during the first month without Chorong next to her. She was hiding too many things from other people.

“Okay, I’ll deliver these things to Chorong-unnie. But you need to promise me that you’ll not do all those stupid things again.” Namjoo had left before Eunji could answer her anything. But it made her glad that she could still lean to other people at times like this.

Eunji nodded her head in silence and left the mart while her own hands were also holding the bags which contained her own snacks and food for exams preparation. She wondered how Hayoung and Bomi had been doing this far. Even if they were the top of their own classes, Eunji still couldn’t help but to worry. Her way back to her own apartment was slowly filled with thoughts and Eunji didn’t like it a bit.

…

Eunji could feel hands wrapped around her waist tightly and she could hear the sigh of content from the person hugging her. Her smile formed without her realizing and returned the hug to the girl. She snuggled her face in the crook of her neck and the other girl giggled. “That tickles, Eunji.” She had said as her fingers found their ways to Eunji’s long brown locks and combing them gently.

“I just want to stay forever like this with you, Chorong. Can I?” Eunji whispered sadly as she tightened the hug. Chorong didn’t answer her anything. Instead, she just pulled Eunji even closer if that even possible.

Suddenly, the sudden closeness became a distance which separated the 2 girls from each other. Eunji wanted to shout and ask Chorong to take her hands. But her words couldn’t seem to go out and she could only see Chorong stand from the other side of the bad and looked at her sadly. “You can, Eunji. But maybe not now.” Eunji could feel tears wetting her cheeks when Chorong’s figure slowly became further and further.

But just before Chorong could disappeared fully, she could faintly hear what she said. “Always remember that I’m always here for you, Eunji. I’ll be waiting for you in our favorite place.” And with that, Eunji screamed.

“CHORONG!!”

And just like that, Eunji woke up from her deep slumber with raged breathing and sat straight. She turned to look at her surroundings and she breathed in relief when she realized that she was still at her own apartment. Still sitting at her study desk with notes and books scattered messily on the table. When she touched her face, she noticed that the tears were half dried and it made Eunji feeling even worse. She then looked at the picture frame in the corner of the table. It was a picture of Eunji asking for Chorong’s hands in marriage.

Eunji remembered when that picture was taken.

It was when both of them were about to attend the wedding of Eunji’s father who decided to remarry after 3 years since the passing of his late wife. Both of them were having a fitting session for the ceremony. On that day, Eunji was feeling restless for the entire fitting session. Eunji’s turn was done already and she was waiting for Chorong to finish. Her hands were in her pocket holding the small velvet box which had a very precious white gold ring with aquamarine stone. Chorong’s birthstone.

Eunji had been saving a lot of money to buy that ring and she didn’t know if Chorong would like it. She’d been very anxious about it and she was just hoping Chorong would accept her proposal and be her wife in the future. Even if it was still early for her to get married, Eunji couldn’t help but to imagine how would it be if Chorong were always by her side.

Just at that moment, the changing room’s door where Chorong changed was opened and the older girl came out in knee high and sleeveless pristine white dress. Eunji’s breath was taken away at that moment and she knew it just had to be at that moment. Chorong in that white dress and her hair was let loose on her shoulder. She knew she needed to get it done. Slowly but sure, she walked toward Chorong and looking at the older girl, she was about to cry from how beautiful she was.

“Rong, can you come with me for a moment? I have something to talk to you.” Eunji’s words caught Chorong’s attention and she nodded her head. After promising the designer they would return with the dress still in one shape, they were off to the back garden of the shop. Eunji had been there so frequent that she knew where everything was.

Chorong was looking at Eunji while trying to figure out what the younger girl wanted to her. If only she knew how hard the girl’s heart was beating at the moment. She would be surprised. “What is it that you want to tell me?” Chorong decided to ask, not wanting to suffocate in the silence which surrounded them.

Eunji turned around nervously and took out the velvet box in her pocket. Chorong didn’t catch what she was doing, but still waiting for her answer.

“Chorong, I know you’re tired lately. And the cause of your tiredness is me. For that, I really want to tell you I’m so sorry. I know it’s already hard enough for you to handle me, to call yourself as my girlfriend even though no one really know it. I’m so thankful, yet so sorry at the same time. If you didn’t make your presence known, I’m sure you’d be happy with another person who wasn’t as troublesome as me. Even though there was a lot of possibilities in my mind, I’m glad that none of it happened and in the end of the day, I’m still yours and you’re still mine.”

“Even if it’s hard to spend your days with lots of thoughts in your mind, I’m so grateful that you still want me as yours. Although I can’t promise you a lot of things, I just want you to know that I love so damn much that it is getting unbearable for me to hold. And if I don’t tell you this much sooner, I think I would explode.”

Chorong looked at her with her adorable confused face and Eunji thought she might combust from that alone. She needed to tell her now. “Park Chorong, what I’m implying right now is…” The velvet box was slowly opened and Eunji basked in the gasps Chorong let out. “Will you marry me, my lady?” Eunji asked as she went closer to Chorong and smiled gently at the older girl.

It was a total silence surrounding them and Eunji’s thundering heartbeat echoed in her ears. Chorong was shocked beyond words and didn’t know what to say. But a single drop of tear wet her cheek and Eunji was startled. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I-I’ll just take m-” But before Eunji could finish her sentence, Chorong beat her first.

“I will, Eunji.”

Hearing that, Eunji finally cried out of happiness. She stood up and gently locked her lips with the older girl’s. it was their happiest moment and how they wished that it would never end. Both of them didn’t realize there was a cameraman standing near the garden and took their sweet pictures in that moment.

Taking the frame in her hands, Eunji started crying again. it still hurt her whenever she looked at that picture. She thought that everything would be better after she proposed to the older girl, but no. everything just needed to be more complicated than how it should be. She should’ve told Chorong that she was very in love with her that it was hard to lose her presence in her life. But what could she do? Everything has happened and she didn’t have any time machine to repeat the time.

Putting the frame on its place, Eunji took out her old and worn out diary from her drawer. She flipped the diary until it was a new page and grabbed the nearest pen with her. Without thinking much, she started write a short passage while holding her tears at bay.

‘May 5^th, 2021

Dear diary,

            It’s been a while since the last time I ranted to you. If you remembered about the last thing I have written, then you must know the happy news about me proposing Chorong, right? But this time, instead of telling you happy news, I’m here to tell you that I’ve broken up with her since the previous 3 months. I’ve never had the chance to write this to you because it’s been a hard time for me to cope up. And just when I’m about to heal myself from the pain, I dreamt of her again, tonight. It still hurts me, but I think I’m ready to take her back. Why? Because in my dream, she told me that she is still here for me and will be waiting for me at our usual place. And that’s already enough for me. I won’t ask for much. Just having her back in my life is already a grateful thing. I can’t be selfish, can I?

            Anyways, thanks again for listening to my rant. Even though you can’t read or answer me, I’m always thankful that you’re still here. I’ll talk to you soon, diary.

Love,

Meungji’

…

Times flew so fast and without realizing, the finals season had ended in a blink of eyes. That went the same with Eunji and the rest of her friends. She had quitted the basketball team and now she basically had nothing to do other than lazing around campus ground or her favorite park near the arts department. Or staying in one of the studios provided for the student by the university. Eunji had her own home studio and maybe studio wasn’t the option for that day.

Eunji hold onto her bag and fixed her cap as she prepared to go home. She didn’t have any plans for the day, but she wanted to be productive. Going to gym was a must, but it didn’t open in Monday and she was in loss of what to do. Maybe she should just do everything outdoors. With that decisions in her mind, Eunji went to the parking lot and got into her white Audi. she drove off to the nearest mall and decided to have her lunch there. Besides, she also needed to buy some things for her apartment.

Arriving at the mall, she went to the first ramen outlet in there and ordered her food and paid for it first before finding her own seat. Eunji took out her phone and opened Instagram to see if there was something her friends posted. Most of her timeline was filled with her friends’ aesthetically taken shots of nature or the picture of their other halves. Well, Eunji didn’t really have anything to envy them, so it was better to close the said app and filled her leisure time while waiting for her ramen to come with making some music for her next project for last year students’ graduation song.

It was weird for the professor to privately ask her, but she didn’t question it. As long as she was credited as the producers, it was enough. She’d written down the outline of the song that she wanted to make and she was glad that she actually had started it beforehand.

Eunji stopped what she was doing when her food came and focused on eating it first before continuing the music. she already had a few ideas on how she should make the lyrics or how the feel, but it wasn’t enough.

In a few minutes, her ramen was now finished and the bowl was almost empty if it wasn’t for the soup. She packed her things and left the ramen outlet to the furniture outlet the mall had. She needed to buy a new set of tables for her home studio and decorations for her empty apartment.

Arriving to the destination, Eunji went around to look at where the tables were placed at. One of the staffs approached her immediately when she called for one. She asked the materials one by one and he kindly explained them to her. Even though there were flirty remarks thrown here and there, Eunji remained unfazed and kept on asking which materials would be the best if it were to be placed inside a dark, cold, and humid place. After a few more explanation, Eunji decided to get the gray colored table with her and some decorations for her apartment. She also got a brand-new shelf to organize things in her studio.

With the help of free delivery offer, Eunji didn’t need to bring anything home with her. But she needed someone to be there in her apartment to help the delivery staffs, since she didn’t plan to return home early. She took out her phone as she waited for the elevator doors to open. After pondering for a few seconds, Eunji finally decided to call for the youngest amongst her friends. she could only hope for Hayoung to pick her call.

And thank god she did. Eunji thought the younger girl would be busy out there playing her shooting game with Bomi or any of her gaming friends or even chilling with her wife at their joint apartment. Although, don’t ask Eunji how she could know that.

“You’re speaking to the busy gamer, Oh Hayoung. If you’re not going to tell me any of your needs, I’ll end the call in 1 second.” Eunji rolled her eyes when she heard that.

“I need you to come to my apartment now.” Eunji said as she entered the elevator and waited for a few seconds for the door to close.

“To your apartment? Why? And why are you suddenly asking me instead of Bomi?”

“I know you want to visit my room and see what kind of secrets I hid there. I know you, Oh Hayoung.”

“Okay, fine. But before I’m heading there, may I know why I should go to your place?”

“I bought some furniture for my apartment and my studio. I want you to help me placing them. You know I don’t really good in that kind of things.” At this point, Eunji just needed to say anything which she could think off so Hayoung would agree.

“Alright then. I’ll be there in 10.” Hearing that, Eunji smiled and prepared to end the call but before she could do so, Hayoung had said something that Eunji couldn’t answer back. “I’m bringing Namjoo and Bomi then.” And the call ended after that.

Eunji removed her phone and stared at disbelief. Hayoung really did that to her. She got out from the elevator when it dinged and the door was opened. She went to where her car was parked at and got in before leaving the mall.

After going to the mall, eating lunch, and buying furniture, Eunji didn’t have any specific idea of where to go. Even if she did go somewhere, she didn’t know what she should do there. In the end, Eunji ended up in an arcade which she saw when she passed by the same street earlier.

Eunji changed her money into a few coins before she started to enjoy herself. She played for a few games and that included the main star of the arcade, the shooting game and basketball. Turned out her skills were not that rusty yet. Throughout the game, she smiled and laughed whenever she won something or cussed when things didn’t go like how she liked it.

By the end, Eunji brought home 2 medium sized bunny and puppy dolls and a big sized blue whale doll with her. There was supposed to be more than that 3, but Eunji gave them to the younger children there. they would want it more than her. So, she willingly gave them.

Walking towards her car, Eunji opened the passenger seat and put the dolls there. Then she went back to the driver seat and decided to just have an aimless drive before going home and bought her best friend meals to make up their time in her apartment just for arranging stuff.

Eunji the Bluetooth and connected it with her phone’s sportify and hummed along the song which was currently playing. She kept on singing until the next song changed into a song with foreign language. Eunji turned to take a glance at the song and chuckled. She didn’t realize that there was a Chinese song in her playlist. The literal translation was A Thousand Years Later. It was sad and Eunji wondered why she didn’t listen to it any sooner. Even though she didn’t really understand Chinese, the song was nice.

When she looked at the street, she sighed. Her memories brought her back to this place again. The park where she and Chorong used to spend their times together. Damn, everything suddenly felt real. Chorong would be graduating soon and leave the country to accept the job offer she got from a music company abroad. And that also meant, she would lose the older girl. She didn’t want that to happen.

Eunji parked her car at the nearest parking lot and took all her things before locking the car. She crossed the road carefully and entered the park. The park was slightly different from how it used to be. There were many flowers and trees planted and there were more benches for kids or couples to sit at.

The girl went further and stopped at the bench under the biggest tree there. She observed the kids playing with either their friends or parents and had a big smile plastered on their faces. Somehow looking at them made her missing her childhood as well.

Not only she was starting to remember about her childhood, the memories she spent since junior high until the moments she spent with Chorong were too much and made her choked up. She didn’t want to make everything harder, but it was hard not to. She was the one who hurt Chorong because of the flaws she didn’t want the world to see. But what she did only made her done the worst and that was hurting Chorong, her only remedy in the cruel life. Every single day she wished she could turn back time, but who was she to defy the nature law?

Eunji stayed at the bench for more than an hour as she reflected on her past. She should’ve started talking to Chorong anytime soon as she knew the older girl would move abroad for a job offer. But would the older girl want to talk to her? Aside from talking to her, would the older girl want to see her after all the things she’d done?

“What kind of nonsense am I spurting now? I better leave soon before I start to lose my mind.” Eunji thought sadly. She gathered her things and wore her bag.

As Eunji was getting ready, her phone suddenly rung. And when she looked at the caller, turned out Hayoung was calling her. She answered the call with an obvious tremble in her voice. “Hello?” there was no answer coming from the other line, but she could hear the faint noises of kids chattering.

“Raise your head and looked in front of you.” That voice. That voice for god’s sake. No matter what happened, there was no way she could forget the voice of the girl she loved. The voice which could destroy the wall she’d built throughout the years in a mere second.

Eunji did what she was told to and her body frozen when her eyes made contact with Chorong’s hazel orbs. She was there in front of her with phone in her ear and a smile decorating her beautiful face. God, she missed her so much.

“Chorong,” Eunji called. There was a smile on her face but tears kept on streaming down on her cheeks. Chorong ended the call and lowered her hands to her side. Eunji couldn’t hold it anymore. She briskly walked up to Chorong, she was close to running, but for this time only, Chorong let her.

Eunji could feel the same pair of arms hugging her warmly and make her feel safe. Once she was in her safe zone again, Eunji let herself free and cried on Chorong’s shoulder like how she used to. She kept on muttering ‘sorry’ to the older girl which was replied with gentle pats on her back and ‘it’s okay’ to calm the younger.

The younger girl didn’t notice the ring which was still resting sweetly around Chorong’s ring finger. Never once had she thought of removing it as her heart was still fully belong to the girl in her arms.

“I’m still here for you, Eunji. It’s not the end for us. I’ve never left you.”

~ finished ~

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