wrote this one in 2014 (???) but now i'm revising it and posting it here. if it seems similar to you, just lmk and i'll show you how i didn't steal this aha. not to say it was that popular to begin with. # angst # sorry kaibaek stans - cs
 

INCOHERENCY

PART ONE

Jongin opens his eyes to the sterile environment of his hospital room. IV tubes connects his arms to bags of penicillin, and a catheter in his back shoots steroids into his spinal fluids. The medicine makes him drowsy, but he doesn't fight it. He just wants to go back to sleep. It's all he really asks for.

Most people hate hospitals, but not Jongin. Jongin loves the stale air, the emergency sirens that sound at least twice a week, and he likes his doctors. He enjoys listening to his heart beat on the monitor. The white that covers the room helps Jongin believe that he is already in heaven.

It's not exactly the case though.

"Jongin," a nurse whispers as she steps into the room, "Suji is here to visit you."

Jongin just stares at her, and she leaves before Suji bounces into the room with a brilliant set of teeth showing on her face. Behind her is a fairly handsome male; he has shiny black hair and a timid facial expression that could make any girl's heart soar. But it doesn't affect Jongin at all.

"Hi Jongin Oppa," Suji calls happily, as if she didn't visit Jongin the week before. She sits in the hospital chair, and hands Jongin his favorite type of candy, before she says, "I brought a friend today. He just moved here, and he wants to meet you."

Jongin looks at the stranger, and nods his head once. The male waves his hand giving him a friendly greeting, "Hello, I'm Byun Baekhyun! It's nice to meet you."

"He'll be visiting you some more, since I'll be moving to Tokyo soon… Remember when I told you that last week? I told your mom, too," Suji admits, and adds, "I'll miss visiting you a lot. Your house was always like a second home."

All Jongin does is nod, but Suji still shows her teeth brightly.

"Baekhyun Oppa's a really nice guy, and he's just as happy as I am. I hope he keeps his promise and visits you often when I'm gone."

"Hey, I won't break it," Baekhyun argues jokingly, as he feigns hurt. Suji slaps him softly on the arm and tells him, "You better not."

Jongin just watches them. It doesn't affect him that Suji is leaving, because they always do. No one cares for him enough to stay there long enough. Suji was only here for five months, who knows how long Baekhyun is staying. Jongin has a problem with people entering in his life. He hates it cause it's just another person feeling pity on him.

"Well, I've got to go pack now, but Baekhyun will keep you company. I'll visit you again soon," Suji promises, before she gives Jongin a one sided hug, greets both of the males goodbye, and leaves the room, but not before whispering, "Remember Oppa, Jongin has depression, a tumor in his brain, and a speech impairment. Be easy on him."

"I'll remember," Baekhyun tells her, before she leaves the room entirely.

Baekhyun shows Jongin his teeth, before he asks, "I guess you've already figured out that this is the bi-yearly switch, huh?" 

Jongin sighs before he stutters, "If already you know, please leave. No need for friendly."

Jongin takes a while to link the words to form a somewhat correct sentence, but he gets there. Jongin generally tends to not speak at all, but Baekhyun was just asking for it. Why was Baekhyun still trying to be friendly when he knew that he wasn't going to stay for long?

"I want to be your friend," Baekhyun confesses, "What I wanted to tell you was that I'll be staying longer than five months. I'll be staying longer than a year. I'll be here forever."

"That what Suji say," Jongin mutters, before he closes his eyes.

He really just wishes that people couldn't visit him in the hospital. He's sick of people trying to be friends with him. It's always forced and he can just feel the pity radiating onto him. But he has to deal with it, cause he doesn't have the heart to tell his mom to stop trying to find people to communicate with him. He knows she works hard for him, so he guesses that he just has to live with it.

"I'm not Suji, though. I'm here for life," Baekhyun pushes, "My grandpa moved here because he doesn't like the loud sounds of the city. He's my only family member left. I can't leave even if I tried."

"I care no. Mom want you come, okay, but you know plan so no have to friendly. I so tired of fake friendly. Suji fake friendly, Hanri fake friendly, Dami fake friendly, every person fake friendly," Jongin responds angrily.

"I'm not faking. I really want to be your friend," Baekhyun tells him patiently, and all Jongin does is scoff.

"I'm just like you. I have an impairment, too. Have you see my leg?" Baekhyun questions.

Jongin glares at him, and opens his mouth to tell him that he doesn't care when Baekhyun lifts up his pant leg to show a metal leg from his calve down. Jongin is speechless, because he is the first person who has something missing from his body. "I can relate, too. Everyone makes fun of me because of my leg. When I first got it, everyone thought that it was cool, but now everyone thinks it's weird. They think I'm weird, too, because I'm happy even with a fake leg. I mean, it's not my real leg, but it works, you know?"

"I… Sorry," Jongin whispers, and Baekhyun tells him that it's alright. He slides his pant leg down before he looks up back at Jongin.

"I hope I'll be a good friend to you. We can be different together," Baekhyun cheers, and Jongin nods his head.

"Sure."

Might as well give this Baekhyun guy a chance.

 

PART TWO

Jongin has been "friends" with Baekhyun for about five months now, but today he finally decides to give Baekhyun an actual chance. Jongin doesn't know how, but Baekhyun had managed to make Jongin care about him. Maybe it was he shows off his bright teeth, or his eagerness to hang out with him everyday. People came and went in his life, but Baekhyun makes him feel like he won't leave. Not for now, not for later. Baekhyun embraces Jongin's speech, and talks to him like he's a normal person. He whines to Jongin when he wants something. He doesn't baby Jongin. He doesn't give in into Jongin's wants just cause he's impaired.

Jongin feels normal around Baekhyun, and he really likes it. He doesn't know why.

"Why don't you smile Jongin?" Baekhyun asks, and Jongin becomes confused. "What is… Smile?"

Baekhyun tilts his head, "You don't know what smiling is?"

Jongin shakes his head, and Baekhyun shows his teeth for the 15th time today. Baekhyun explains that showing teeth was a smile, and Jongin finally gets it. All of his life, people had shown him their teeth but never cared to explain what it was. It was like they thought that he has already known when he didn't. He just thought that it was some ritual that people did, and Jongin thought that it was pointless. In the past, people has asked him the same question, but Jongin just ignored it.

"I don't know how smile," Jongin frowns, and Baekhyun smiles brilliantly.

"Just show your teeth and curve the corners of your lips up!" Baekhyun exclaims, and Jongin clamps his teeth together and opens his mouth with his confused expression. Baekhyun begins to laugh at Jongin as he asks, "Am I doing it right?"

"Jongin! That's literally just showing your teeth. Come on, smile," Baekhyun encourages, as he moves his fingers to Jongin's mouth, and pushes the corners of his mouth up. The outcome was just an even forced smile, and Baekhyun gives up.

"Maybe you'll learn how to smile naturally. Does anything make you happy? Like really happy?" Baekhyun prods, and Jongin only manages to shrug. Jongin doesn't think anything amuses him. Maybe his comic books, and he really likes to eat fried chicken, but nothing makes him want to show his teeth. His mouth is always shut closed and in a straight line. It has been like that ever since he was born.

"Oh, well maybe we'll find you something to smile about!" Baekhyun promises.

Jongin nods his head, and actually hopes that he does.

 

PART THREE

During Baekhyun's 18th birthday four months later, Jongin finally learns to smile and Baekhyun thinks that it is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

 

PART FOUR

Jongin and Baekhyun's friendship passed the one year mark a long time ago, but Jongin has never been so glad to meet anyone in his life. Jongin thinks that Baekhyun has the brightest smile he has ever seen, but Baekhyun disagrees. Jongin smiles a lot more when he's around Baekhyun, and Baekhyun loves it. He finds Jongin smile charming, and ever since Jongin found his new talent (Baekhyun likes to think of it as one), he thinks Jongin has gotten happier. He makes Baekhyun happier, too.

So when Jongin suddenly falls unconscious as they walk back to Jongin's place, Baekhyun feels his walls shattering.

Jongin is rushed to the hospital, and Baekhyun is next to him in the ambulance trying to keep his tears in. His friend is in critical condition, and he doesn't know what happened. The last time Jongin checked up in the hospital, his doctor told him that he was doing fine. What happened? It couldn't be the tumor. The doctor has promised Baekhyun that it wasn't cancerous. It couldn't be. Baekhyun grips Jongin's hand tightly, hoping he would make it. Baekhyun has gone in too deep for Jongin. He couldn't leave him now.

As the medical workers roll Jongin into the emergency room, Baekhyun waits in the hall anxiously. He doesn't realize that he's crying until a little girl pulls him down to her height and wipes away his tears for him.

"My Oppa looks ugly when he cries, and I think you do, too. Don't cry, because everything will be alright," the little girl promises, before her mom rushes over and takes her away.

Baekhyun doesn't feel assured. He still doesn't feel assured when Jongin is getting rolled into his designated hospital room. The nurses are hooking Jongin to his IV tubes, and the doctor sticks a large needle into his back, before inserting a catheter. Baekhyun pales at the sight, because it's exactly the same way when Baekhyun first saw Jongin through the same doors with Suji. He remembers feeling pity for the younger boy, but now all he feels is pain. He remembers when he came in solely on the purpose of an easy friend to make, and now all he really cares about is if Jongin is going to make it or not. Baekhyun doesn't remember when he begins to genuinely like Jongin, but he knows now that he isn't ready to give him up. Even with all of the barely coherent stutters he had been receiving from Jongin in the past year, he wouldn't give it up for the world.

When Jongin doesn't wake up for a couple of days, Baekhyun stays by his side, hoping that he would be alright. He repeatedly tells Jongin that heaven isn't ready for him yet. That he's not ready to leave yet. There's nothing Baekhyun wants more, than to have Jongin opens his eyes and talk to him in his broken grammar.

Jongin wakes up a week later, his eyes groggy and his body tired from all of the sleep he had been receiving. Baekhyun is asleep beside him, and Jongin blinks in confusion.

"Hyung?"

Baekhyun doesn't stir and Jongin puffs out a puff of air. He has an insane headache as he looks at his familiar setting of the hospital room. He remembers the last time he had been in here, and it surprises him that it wasn't sooner. His heart rate is still normal, as he stares at the green line moving up and down slowly. There's an oxygen tube connected to his nose, and he feels like the air coming through the tube is the freshest he has ever breathed. The white walls still remind him of heaven, and his body aches from the forced medicine that's running through his veins.

"Jongin!" Baekhyun suddenly exclaims and it makes Jongin flinch at the loudness. Baekhyun doesn't notice as he jumps up from his seat and hugs Jongin tightly, "I thought you were going to be gone."

"Why would I gone?" Jongin asks confused, and Baekhyun explains to him that he had been unconscious for a week. Jongin and Baekhyun sits in silence for the first time in a long time, as Jongin soaks in all of the information. Jongin's tumor has grown larger than the doctors had expected, and it took control of Jongin's brain for a good four days prior to Jongin's unconsciousness. The doctors had surgery on Jongin's tumor, lessening the number of multiplying cells when they rushed him to the hospital.

"You know," Baekhyun breaks the silence, "You've never told me why you liked hospitals."

"They make me feel closer to heaven," Jongin tells him, and instead of squealing over the perfect grammar (Jongin hasn't had a perfect sentence since two months ago), Baekhyun turns pale.

"And if you had to wish anything in the world, what would it be?" Baekhyun asks, and Jongin seems to already know the answer.

"To forever sleep. When I sleep, I feel no pain. Days pass and no worry. Don't have to wait for day to end. I no regret when I sleep, or unconscious. I want to feel heaven so I don't have to hurt anymore."

Baekhyun realizes that Jongin's speech is pretty good when he talks about death.

PART FIVE

Three months pass before Jongin realizes that he hates it when Baekhyun is sick. Baekhyun is only miserable when he's sick, and the hospital walls, Jongin notices, doesn't look good with Baekhyun's pale face.

PART SIX

As Baekhyun gets weaker from his virus, Jongin gets healthier. Jongin really wishes that he isn't, because all of his life, he's been looking forward to his death day. Also, he really hates to see a sick Baekhyun and a healthy him. It doesn't seem right. Baekhyun has been smiling less and less these days, and Jongin feels that his source of happiness is slipping away. There are times when he questions if Baekhyun coming into his life is a curse or blessing, because right now, it seems like a curse for the both of them.

"You okay today Hyung?" Jongin questions, as he sits on the side of Baekhyun's hospital bed.

Jongin feels intimidated by Baekhyun's hospital room. The walls are an ivory, and the air is too stale. The tools that are laid out on the counter behind Jongin cringe because he can't imagine what they use them for (well he can, but they haven't used them on him in so long he doesn't remember). The IV tubes that are inserted in Baekhyun's arms remind him of last year, when Jongin was in his position, while Baekhyun was sitting in the chair beside him.

"Yeah, but the doctors just told me that the virus is non removable. They're either low in my system, or they're high. They told me right now that the virus has infected about half of my lower body now, but the medicine should help control it and lessen the number of cells they've infected already," Baekhyun says, and Jongin nods his head at the information.

"When they let you out?"

"Maybe in ten days. They're still not sure when the virus will cool down," Baekhyun admits and Jongin frowns.

Jongin really hates Baekhyun in the hospital. It doesn't seem right, because Baekhyun had always been the healthier one out of both of them. Jongin had always been the one they needed to take special take of, but now Jongin was free to roam around and do whatever he wanted. 

When they tear off Baekhyun's metal leg a month later, Jongin knows that there's something Baekhyun isn't telling him. Baekhyun's blood seeps through his blanket, as Jongin makes his way to his seat. His face is getting paler day by day, and there's barely any IV tubes that connect medication to Baekhyun's arm as there has been eight days ago.

"You no look better. Why they take leg off?"

It takes a while, and a lot of pauses, before Baekhyun confesses that the virus isn't calming down and that he's going to die soon. 

Jongin feels as if his world is stopping. There isn't anything Jongin dreads more than what he just heard. Jongin grips Baekhyun's hand and yells at him that he can't leave him. As he grips, he sees the lines on the heart monitor bob slower than normal rate. He starts to remember the moment when Baekhyun woke up from his nap, and told him that he realizes why Jongin liked the hospital. It was soothing and calming, and the white walls do make him think of heaven. In the past, Jongin would've been glad that Baekhyun finally saw his side of things, but Jongin refuses to have these thoughts any longer. Now that Jongin has seen the true interior of the hospital, the white walls don't remind him of heaven. He doesn't wish for sleep. The sirens that ring twice a week annoy him to no end. The slow heart beat on the monitor drive him crazy. The hospital frightens him more than giving him comfort.

As Jongin's incoherent shouts get louder, doctors and nurse push Jongin out of the room. The beeps on Baekhyun's heart monitor slows down, and Jongin seems to be able to do nothing about it.

Jongin watches Baekhyun's death through blurry tears, when he realizes that he really hates hospitals.