"Sometimes, the hardest thing to let go of is the one you never really had." 

* 

Hyeri said she was such a masochist for attending Rosie's wedding. She could've opted not to and their friend's would've understood.

She had really wanted to see Rosie on her wedding day despite feeling hurt at the mere sight of her. Suzy knew when to give up but it was just hard for her to do so.

The band began to play signaling the start of the entrance of the wedding entourage. Even though she felt her chest pounding, she tried to smile. Rosie got what she wanted, she thought to herself, to walk down the aisle while violins played "Fix you."

The bridesmaids, Joy and Lisa, and the maid of honor, Jisoo, couldn't help but cry. At last, this was really happening, while she was gasping for air, struggling to keep her breathing steady. I, Suzy Bae, am definitely a er for punishments.

She realized that what people had said about the moment before one finally dies was true; that everything that had happened to you throughout your life would come flashing back to you. Only, she wasn't dying. But it felt like she was. It was a slow death. She was pretending to be alive while she was lifeless inside.

Attending Rosie's wedding would be my final atonement for everything I did to her, Suzy told herself. Should I cry? No. Even if I wanted to, I knew Rosie would get mad at me if I did. This was her day, their day. I wouldn't want to ruin this perfect day for them.

*

The color red reminded her of her.

*

One of the things Suzy was fond of doing to pass time in her high school days was to assign colors to people she found interesting.

Yellow for the cheerful ones.

Blue for the emo or serious.

Brown for those who were down-to-earth.

Green for the open-minded ones.

Orange for the big eater.

Violet for caring.

Gray for those she couldn't quite understand.

She created a color wheel of personality to help her sort out and understand the people around her. It was pretty easy for her to assign colors since she primarily based them on her first impressions, and because colorful people tend to gravitate towards her. She was relatively popular in Hana Academy School, after all.

She had classified almost all the students in HAS. Most of them usually fall under yellow, brown, violet and green. Once she had assigned a color to someone, it was easier for her to get along with the person. But Roseanne Park was different. It took her three years to pick a color for her.

In the many times she had seen and been with Rosie she had watched her closely. But she couldn't pick a single color that fit her. It was more accurate to say she was a spectrum of colors. All of the typical colors in her personality color wheel actually suited her.

She was yellow because she would laugh at just about anything. She was blue because she could be an emo at times. Once, she saw Rosie alone on the building's rooftop. She was also brown because one time, she saw her give a Torpedo sandwich to a street kid though she was obviously starving herself. But she could be an orange too, because on a normal day, she would be ordering two cups of extra rice. She was a violet because she cared so much especially to her friends and Eton Herald. She was green because she could be malicious at times. She always laughs whenever she hears the number 69. And she was gray because no matter how closely she watched her, she just couldn't get her most of the time.

One color wasn't enough for Rosie, but if Suzy assigned all the colors to her, it would be an exaggeration. But then again, all the typical colors she used suited her.

Then one day during their CAT training, she was finally able to pick the perfect color to represent Rosie.

*

Red.

Red are extroverted, optimistic--though in the case of Rosie, she was pessimistic most of the time--courageous, and confident.

They like to be the center of attention, though Rosie claimed to be a nonconformist.

They're ambitious and competitive.

They're impulsive, always in a hurry.

They're aggressive and easily angered--this was true for Rosie all the time but somehow she was tolerable.

They have a strong need for power and control. Case in point, Rosie's CAT training and her participation in the high school paper, Eton Herald.

They're know-it-all, not wanting to appear unintelligent or ignorant.

They have an overactive ego.

She was fully satisfied with the list of descriptions she came up with for red people. They all suited Rosie. And on the night she realized that she was in love with Rosie, she added one more thing: Red symbolizes the ability to love people in unconventional ways. Red represents the heart.

*

Suzy remembered well the exact day when she realized she was in love with Rosie.

It was during their fourth year in high school. It had been a strenuous day for her. There were stacks of unedited articles for the next issue of Eton Herald piled on her desk. Then, she had to attend practices and training sessions with the rest of the HAS Ravens team for an incoming elimination game, plus her grandmother got confined at a hospital. And on top of that, she and her group mates had to find a way to create a gadget for their investigatory project.

She was dead tired and exhausted, so she headed to the CAT headquarters where she thought she could rest for a bit and find some peace. But a few minutes upon arriving at the headquarters, Rosie barged in.

"What are you doing here?" she asked nonchalantly. She held the title of the battalion commander, two ranks higher than hers. But because she was too tired. She didn't have the strength to get up and do a salutation of courtesy to her.

"Hey, Bae, I'm talking to you. Are you all right?"

She was surprised to hear her ask her in that tone as if she were concerned. She had wanted to ask her what had gotten into her but decided otherwise.

"I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all."

But she seemed unconvinced though she didn't say anything. She proceeded to sit on top of wooden rifles piled on the table adjacent to her. She took her beret cap off and combed her hair. 

"Have you read the note from Ms. Im? For the graduating class?" she asked while tying her hair. "She said we should have a mock defense. Can you believe that?! It's as if doing an investigatory project were not enough! Our group doesn't even have a gadget yet! How are you doing with Hyeri's group? You're lucky to have her in your group, you know." 

Suzy was used to Rosie's chatter. In her four years in high school, it was only this year that she and Rosie became classmates and seatmates. At first, she was a little wary of being around Rosie, whom she had called the Cuss machine, but she eventually understood her. She was definitely a spectrum of colors but predominantly red, of course. 

She would've wanted her to be quiet even just for a moment but she couldn't tell her to shut up. 

"Are you all right?" Rosie asked her again. She stood up and approached her. "Holy ! Do you even sleep? Eye bags galore!" 

Suzy assumed that Rosie couldn't care less if she were to tell her what she had. Been going through--especially to someone she was not even close to, like her. She was teased, and her friends could attest to it, that she had a heart of stone. 

But she got it all wrong when Rosie all of a sudden held her hand and squeezed it. 

"My grandma died of cancer, too. It got her liver," Rosie said sadly, tightening her grip to her hand. It was the first time she had seen her vulnerable. Suzy could never forget how those pairs of sad eyes stared at her. "Just be strong for her, okay? But try not to forget about yourself, too. Get some sleep. You look really awful." Her touch felt like a slow burn in her skin. Her closeness shook him to her very core. She knew she was breathing but she was gasping for air at the same time. 

After she thanked her, Rosie walked out of the room. But since that day, she had not left her mind. Was that love? She had fallen in love before but not quite like this. This was more intense, more terrifying than the first one. 

God. I do really love her, don't I? But why? 

*

A few days before her wedding, Rosie and the rest of their high school gang got together. Apparently, Suzy and Rosie could only manage to hold a proper conversation when they were both drunk. 

"Wouldn't you want to...?" Suzy began. 

"Come on, Bae, just say it. I won't get mad, I promise. Scout's honor!" 

"Naaah...never mind." 

"I'll get mad at you if you keep on stalling," Rosie warned her. 

"I thought you wouldn't get mad." 

"You're stalling. Now, say it." 

"Did it never occur to you...to back out from the wedding?" Shoot me now. Stupid, stupid, stupid me, Suzy cursed herself. 

"And waste money? You've got to be kidding me!" 

"No, seriously. Have you never considered bailing out?" 

She had wanted to hear her say, "Yes, I'm scared, Suzy. I don't know why I am doing this. I'm not sure if I'm really in love with Jennie or I'm just too lonely, too scared to be alone that's why I agreed to get married. I don't know what to do anymore." But she knew Rosie had changed a lot. And she knew she wouldn't say those things, at least not to her. 

"Listen to me, okay? Yes, I'm damn impulsive. You told me yourself once that I was the most impulsive person you've met. But my decision to get married. It wasn't out of impulse. I'm serious about this, about us. Of all people, I didn't expect you to doubt my intentions."

Suzy was crushed. She hated every single word she had said because it broke her again." I'm sorry. I just want to make sure you're serious about it. "

"I'm taking this seriously, Suzy, to the point that I'm scared but not scared enough to run away from it. This is a lifelong commitment, for Christ's sake! It's surreal for me, like it's an out of body experience. But I feel great!" Rosie exclaimed, her eyes glistening. 

"What made you decide then?"

She smiled again which made her uneasy for a moment. She smiled more often now unlike when they were in high school. She looked even lovelier now. 

"I just woke up one day and realized why it never worked with anyone else."

With anyone else. That included her, and she probably ranked number one in the list of all the jerks and s, who were never good enough for her. Scratch that. It wasn't that she was not good enough for her. A decade and half ago, she was the one who didn't even take a chance on her, on them. 

She had dug her own grave a decade and half ago. It was her fault. 

*

Suzy had been nervous different times in her life: in each tennis game she played, the day of their college graduation when she was cited as a Laude, the day of her engineering board exam in which she thankfully ranked among the top ten passers, her first time to drive, her first date, her first day at work--in all of the firsts and milestones. 

But today was different. Suzy has never been as nervous as this before 

She couldn't explain why she should be nervous when everyone else at the church was excited and happy. She was curious to see her in white wedding gown, but Joy had reminded them last night before they parted ways, that it was bad luck to take a peek of the bride before her wedding day. 

For Suzy, red suited Rosie best. She regretted giving her a silver gown for the JS prom in high school. She never has the chance to see her in a red dress. Maybe after the wedding she could---

"Come on, Bae. Woman up!"

She was feeling mixed emotions at the moment. She wanted to cry, laugh, get mad, celebrate--all of these at the same time. She was rarely irrational and she felt she was close to being one right now. 

Everyone was happy around her, but why couldn't she? 

"Bub, are you ready now?" Jisoo whispered to her. "It's taking forever to start! I can't take the heat anymore!"

"Shut up, Soo!" Ashley retorted, who was obviously excited. "It was way hotter during your wedding but none of us complained then." 

"Can you imagine our stone-hearted princess getting married?" Jisoo said, changing the topic and suddenly getting emotional. "Would it be thoughtless to say I never imagined this would happen?" 

Ashley chuckled. "Crazy witch! This is really unexpected but what the hell. At least she's happy right?" 

The uneasiness and anxiety that she felt was turned into hurt. 

*

"If I were to get married, I'd like to wear a red wedding gown," Rosie had declared to their gang one night, amidst poker games, mixed drinks, poor karaoke song choices, and curse words. Rosie looked half-serious, half-amused for some reason. "It'll be a red wedding. George R. R. Martin can kiss my feet!"

Marriage. Rosie would get goosebumps whenever she would utter that word. She had l