CHAPTER 17

---(SORA)---

AHHHHH, I screamed internally. Why did I do that?

I laid my head at the stirring wheel after parking my car. I can’t believe I actually ran away after bursting out like that, So embarrassing. How am I supposed to face Jinyoung after that!

I looked outside my car window and saw the oh-so-familiar park near the Han river. It had been a while since I came here, it feels so nostalgic. I never thought I’d actually come back here after I decided so many years ago to try to live my life.

I walked the same path I used to take on the way to our spot. I sat at the same place I did so many years ago.

To the place, I went to during my darkest times, and the place where I found my light. I’ve always found my way here, my feet has always led me to where I met him. I looked at the empty swing next to mine, the place where he always sat, it almost felt like he was here with me.

But let’s face it, he will never come back and the only thing I could do is cling on to traces of him. I close my eyes and imagine him sitting there and listening to me,

“What am I going to do Jaehyun-ah? I am terrified.” I spoke “my feelings scare the hell out of me. This is the first time in a very long time, the first time since you, that I actually want to let someone in” I poured my thoughts to the non-existent Jaehyun, I badly needed his comfort, desperate almost.

I’m a coward.

“Jaehyun-ah, I met this amazing guy and I’m so afraid of the idea of loving him”

I can’t.

“I’m terrified of forgetting you, loving him would mean letting you go, and I don’t want that” I hate that I’m feeling this way. I am falling for him, but I hate that he makes me remember you, I hate that he’s replacing you.

I don’t want anyone to replace you.

“you’ll probably say I should just move on with my life and allow myself to be happy because you’re that kind of person. And you’re probably right because you’ve always been right. Oh Jae, how can I? I did try. I tried forgetting you, I tried erasing you, but in the end, I just can’t”

Why did Jinyoung have to remind me so much of you, his warmth, his smile all feel like yours and it scares me. What if I only like him because he reminds me of you? What if it’s actually me who wants to turn him into your replacement?

I can’t do that to Jinyoung, I can’t. He is so precious and I don’t want to be this half- who sees him as someone else after forcing him into this sham marriage that he didn’t even want.

Maybe I should stop myself from liking him, not when I still love you.

 It feels wrong and unfair.

It’s wrong but I still want to, I want to try.

I’m so conflicted.

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After Sora had walked out Jinyoung did not know how to react, should he follow her? Or not. He decided on the latter, following her now would only lead to an argument and that’s the last thing he wanted.

He felt hurt.

Jinyoung couldn’t wrap his head around what just happened, he knew nothing. He sat back down and gulp the beer, he wanted a temporary release from his frustration. This is the first time he’s ever felt this way, he just wanted to know why she reacted that way.

He realized just how much he didn’t know her and honestly, he blames himself for not knowing. It’s partly his fault for not putting an effort to get to know her but how could he when he knew deep down how high her wall was.

He had always sensed how Sora has put up walls around her, and he never really tried to see through what she’s trying to hide because he respects her privacy. Jinyoung just wanted to know even just a little bit about her, things he liked or she hated. He didn’t even know she hated carrots.