“We need to move him to the ICU”

                                                                                “We need to Isolate him from the other patients.”

                                “It’s getting worse.”

“What about the vaccine?”

                                   “We can still save him.”

“We’re losing him.”

                                                                                              “He won’t make it.……….”

                            “…must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks.”

 

    “I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:

                                         “I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk….”

 

Just as he was about to fall asleep his mind betrays him again and pulls him back to those words that he had uttered never thinking what would really happen. It pulled him back to where he was and what was happening.

Back to the hospital.

Every night he finds himself in another thought, another patient, another death, another regret, another night to lay and stay awake.

He opens his eyes, looking at the clock, it’s 1:15 am. He looks around only to be reminded more of where he was. He ended his shift late “it’s not like it ever ended this year” he thought to himself. It wasn’t such a surprise that he spent his night at their hospital’s dormitories, but it felt too wrong tonight or these past few days.

 

                                                                   “--I will apply, for the benefit of the sick….”

He couldn’t sleep “I’m at the hospital,” he finds his excuse for tonight like how he had for the other nights this year. He looks at the ceiling where he always had his nights, it was the only space he could look at forgetting where he was. But tonight, it only reminded him more with the thought of the people he’s sharing this ceiling with.

One patient in particular he couldn’t stop thinking about, he’s deep in his thoughts. He remembers the smile of a little girl full of hope for her and for her father.

 

“Daddy?” Confused as the emotions he feared one day he’d feel pity, empathy, were overflowing him just for her. He fights the tears forming on his eyes.

“Hi Yerim, it’s me,” his voice full of shame, thinking he could have done better (These thoughts weren’t new to him but he could never get used to them.)

“When will dad come back?” The girl attempts to sits herself up before the doctor stopped her so she wouldn’t lose her sleep. He settles and tuck her back under the blanket.

“For now, just know that he is in great hands.” White lies, he’s been telling this more often now, but he’ll never like it.

“Really?!” With enthusiasm the girl looks at the doctor with her eyes full of hope.

“Yes, so you should go back to sleep now.”

“Okay, I’ll dream of dad and I together with mom.” Her gleeful words could only stab him in his heart as if he hasn’t had enough.  He fights the thought of recounting the earlier events, finding in his strength to deny it at least for now and for the girl.

He waits and hums her a lullaby as he watches her peacefully fall deep into her own beautiful illusion of what her world could be. Looking at her and an inevitable feeling of envy reaches him as she watches her enter her own world for tonight, away from all the reality.

“Goodnight.” And one last time he caresses the girl’s head

                                           “--whose illness may affect the person's family…”

.

He shifts to look at the wall, even with the small space of his bed he couldn’t help thinking how they’d perfectly fit there together. A cuddle, some people would find uncomfortable but he never was, not with her. She perfectly fits in his arms as he circles the small of her back and with her head buried in his chest hearing his heart beat just for her.

Sweet memories only pain him as he remembers where she was now. Sharing the same ceiling in a room he never imagined she’ll ever stay, not at these times.

 

 

                                                “--I will prevent disease whenever I can…”

“Hi, you’re still awake,”

“How can I when my wife is inside of one of these rooms.” He tries to make up a smile at her and looks at her, he could see the tears she’s failing to try not to form.

“I’m scared Jongdae,” the walls she built finally breaks down as she uttered those words, endless tears fall down from her eyes. And if there’s anything he wants right now was for everything between them to disappear so he could finally pull her into a hug and make her feel warm in the midst of all this. Again, he fights the tears that had been threatening him to fall down all day.

“It’s going to be okay, there are rumors the vaccine coming this month. And after that everything’s going to be better.” He smiles at her, trying in his best ways to comfort her cause no matter what happens he’ll always be there for her.

He doesn’t leave until he was assured that she was asleep, bidding her “Goodnight.”

 

He’s scared, he doesn’t know what could happen and he didn’t want to imagine anything, refusing to believe and prepare for the worse. Somewhere in this building was her, isolated from everyone from him, hoping for the better in the next test results. 

“--I will not be ashamed to say "I know not…"

 

He closes his eyes and once again try to escape from the hospital but the scent of medicine halts him from wherever his thoughts were going. He’s sleepy that’s for sure but he knew he couldn’t, not now not here.

He shifts to face the room accepting where he really was. He turns on the Television hoping it would tire him in any way. He switches through channels trying to find something not too bothersome. He ended up passing by a News channel and regrettably settle there. He sighs as he reads the headlines for the current news.

“New Coronavirus strain found across California”

“Great just what I needed,” He turns off the T.V and goes back to the ceiling (again).

Giving up he decided to get off and spend the rest of the night elsewhere and maybe spare a few thoughts away from the hospital, the scent of medicine all around and the bright white artificial lights everywhere he goes. He hesitates to fully dress for duty, but end up not to. He brings a blanket with him as he went off.

         “I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy…”

 

He opens the door to the rooftop and halts as he instantly feels the night breeze lightly brushing him wholly. He takes off his mask and closes his eyes as he once again tries to lose himself at that moment.  

There was someone else, he kept a good distance from him enough for cautions and maybe for a night conversation he wouldn’t mind having. He looks at him and try to make up the name on his tag “Kim Minseok.”

“We have our bad days, what matters is how long should they last.” “I wonder how long you’ve had yours.”  The stranger looks at him. He could only let out a dry laugh for a response.

“I’ve lost count.” From his peripheral vision he sees Minseok turn his head at him, he didn’t want to look back not wanting to see another stranger’s face of pity for him.

 After a few moments of silence, the stranger starts playing a song in his phone loud enough for him to make up the words it sang.

“When you open your eyes,

it’s 2:30 am in the morning

 Your heavy body and heavier heart

 What are you thinking of?

Are you tired, are you okay...?”

-Chen (EXO)

 

He closed his eyes and finally feel the tears streaming down from his eyes as he listens to the song. He starts to sob for a while forgetting about the stranger with him. He sinks himself in the moment with the song, only with the song. He doesn’t lose himself in his thoughts, he loses himself to the song nowhere else but the song.

“Why are you thinking “it’s only me that can’t…

Do you wish for tomorrow not to come?

Lay down those thoughts that weigh down your mind,

next to your pillow

And do not worry

Just like this today...”

“Sleep well, sleep well, on this night...

-Chen (EXO)

 

He hears the stranger laugh again but he doesn’t let it interrupt him.

“Goodnight,” surprised he opens his eyes and looks at Minseok who was now smiling at the night sky with his phone on his chest. Minseok looks at him still smiling “genuinely”. “I just received a message regarding about the current test results.”

Jongdae feels his heartbeat fast from what he said, he didn’t know what to expect. He wanted to hasten Minseok to telling him but at the same time not, he didn’t know what he wanted to hear. A safe silence from the truth, or the truth that could hurt him more.

Minseok was still smiling at him, he was anticipating, “No one tested positive.” He could feel the tears forming in his eyes, not because of the song, not because of the hospital but because of a goodnight.

He shuts his eyes still facing Minseok and feels the tears run down on his checks again. He turns back to the sky letting out the sincerest smile he had ever made for months. “A goodnight indeed” He lets out a laugh and continues to listen to the song, as he drifts away to his own sleep. An illusional world couldn’t be any better to his reality right now.

“Sleep well, sleep well, on this night

I wish for you to have good dreams

Sleep well, sleep well, on this night

 At least that much in your dreams

I wish for you to be at peace

I wish for you to be happy...”

-Chen (EXO)

 

“--If I do not violate this oath…”

“...may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help”