WARNING: This is supposed to be crack. Well, this is a toned down crack plotline (I tried to make it crack and it didn’t really work because it’s my first time and it’s a lot harder than I thought) where Irene is just greedy enough to be loveable and Seulgi is stupid, cheesy, and in love, so the characters will not be as realistic or complex as in my other fics. But as always, feel free to check out my other (more serious) works, especially if you like feel-good stories with happy endings (except Tl;dr. She’s a heartwrencher. And I guess depending on who you ask, Sinful Fortuity, which is a bit of a rollercoaster ride). I’ll return to writing normal stuff after this. Jesus, this was draining.

 

 

Irene went to the bank often, and not for the reasons you’d expect. Well, she did go to deposit money. But that wasn’t the primary goal for her frequent visits.

The bank was where she picked up all the rich people. That’s right. Irene was a full-time gold digger.

“A lot of people in this line today, huh?”

Irene hummed nonchalantly.

“How long have you been going to this bank? Or are you opening an account today?”

Irene narrowed her eyes slightly and gave the woman talking to her a once-over. Ripped black skinny jeans, ratty grey canvas shoes, yellow hoodie. Probably a college student.

They moved up in the line. It was long. Irene cleared . “None of your business.”

The girl grinned. “I think I would’ve remembered you if you’ve been a customer for long, because I come here often.”

“Okay.” Irene eyed the tall man in front of her. He had a high-end suit on. Seemed tailored.

“He’s got a nice suit. Although it’s weird that he didn’t get the shoes that were part of the original design for that collection.”

Irene arched a brow at the girl. “You know the brand?”

“Yeah. My dad enjoys wearing it.”

Oh? “What’s your father do?”

The ‘most likely a college student’ winked. “If I tell you, will you let me know your name?”

“What?”

“He works in finance. You know Kang & Park? He’s the pres—”

“Get down!”

Irene shrieked as five men with ski masks burst into the bank, the leader holding a gun to the ceiling. There was a moment of panic as people flurried about to get shelter, and Irene felt herself being pulled to a door by the woman to whom she was talking. One of the employees seemed to recognize the girl, because he shoved her and Irene into the door as a gunshot went off. They stood in a small hallway-like space that housed another door, more secured. Irene shuffled closer to the wall.

The girl nodded her head at the teller who was inside with them. “Did you guys call the police yet?”

“Mr. Kim hurried inside to do that the moment they came in. I don’t know when they’re coming, but they should be here soon.”

“The people aren’t going to like it if they find out that you pulled me in here alone.” She looked at Irene. “Okay, maybe not alone, but you know what I mean.”

“Ma’am.”

“If my father—”

A loud banging was heard at the door, followed by some threatening shouting, prompting the teller’s eyes to widen. “Ms. Kang, I’m going to open the vault room for you. Please don’t call out to them in any way while you’re in there.”

“I don’t know if you should—”

With that the teller punched in a code to the other door and shoved the two women inside, letting the heavy door shut with a dull thud. Irene stared at the closed door, bewildered, before turning to the other person.

“What just happened?”

The girl shrugged. “We’ll be safe in here. Although I’m not really sure if you should have been here with me.”

“Why did that man pull you aside? Do you own this place?”

“I’ll answer everything if you tell me your name.”

Irene bit her lip. “Why do you wanna know my name?”

The girl gave her a wide grin. “You’re cute.”

“Excuse me?”

Irene was flattered, but she wasn’t sure if this was how it was supposed to work. Heck, it probably wasn’t how it was supposed to work. Irene was usually the one robbing hearts and wallets, not getting robbed. And with the exception of the one woman she dated for two months, it was always men with fancy cars and pressed suits who flirted with her. Not young girls who looked like college students.

“I guess if you won’t talk, I’ll introduce myself first.” The girl stuck out a hand. “I’m Kang Seulgi.”

“Well, Ms. Kang Seulgi,” Irene drawled, staring at her slender hand, “I’m sorry, but I don't know enough about you to give you my name.” Or rather, Irene didn’t bother giving her name to people who wouldn’t leave her with some fat cash by the end of the month.

“Aww, they usually play along when I tell them about my dad. Although I guess we were interrupted…”

“Your father?” Irene tilted her head, noticing the ridiculously cool air in the vault room. “I vaguely remember you said he worked in finance.”

“Yeah.” Seulgi spread her arms out to motion to all the safe deposit boxes lining the walls. “I own this place. Well, he owns this place.”

“I’m sorry, what?” The gears in Irene’s head started turning. “You own this bank?”

“Yeah. My dad’s the president of Kang & Park. You know it?”

Irene nodded. Kang & Park was a financial conglomerate that specialized in corporate and investment banking, real estate, security, and insurance. Easily the top three biggest financial institutions in the country.

“You’re...are you, like, an heiress or something?”

Seulgi gave a thumbs up. “My brother wants to sing, so this is all mine.”

“Jesus.”

“Kang Seulgi.” Seulgi winked. “Remember, that’s my name.”

“Jesus.” Irene gaped. This girl was the biggest catch she’d ever make. She didn’t even dare imagine meeting a chaebol in real life. And Seulgi had hit on Irene first. If Irene played her cards right, she could give up the gold digging lifestyle and live luxuriously as a wife to some smitten heiress. Oh, what a lovely plan.

“So...are you going to tell me your name now?” Seulgi raised her eyebrows questioningly. “I’d really like to get to know you.”

“Irene Bae.” Irene flashed a wide smile, letting her eyes curve naturally. “But I’ll be your bae.”

Seulgi clutched her heart. “Oh no.” She fell onto her knees before splaying onto the floor.

“Are you okay?!” Irene rushed over and shook Seulgi’s shoulders. “Should I call an ambulance?”

“Help.”

“Okay, give me a moment—damn it, where’s my phone…”

“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”

Irene stared quizzically at the grinning girl. Seulgi definitely did not look like she was having a heart attack. “What?”

“I’ve fallen—”

“No, I get that part,” Irene interrupted. “But why are you announcing that?”

Seulgi pouted, eyes mirroring that of a puppy’s. “It’s a pickup line.”

“Excuse me, what?”

“A pickup line.” Seulgi sat up. “Like, I’ve fallen for you and can’t get up because of it.”

Irene looked at Seulgi with a blank face. “Did you seriously just use a life alert catchphrase to hit on me?”

Seulgi held her hands up in surrender. “I don’t hit people I’m going to date, unless they want me to.”

“I—” Irene sighed. Okay, change of plans. This girl was a bit wonky. She’d have to deal with just ripping her off and dumping her . “I go on dates, but I don’t date.”

“I’ll change your mind. I’m a loving, caring kinda woman, you know?”

“No, I don’t know.” Irene crossed her arms. “I’ve only gone out with fake, posh s.”

“Perfect. I can wash away your past heartbreak.”

“What heartbreak? I’m not stupid enough to wallow over a few dates with a random dude in a suit. I swear, they always use too much hair gel.”

“Well, this hair is my natural hair, so—”

“Goodness, why the hell are you so flirty?” Irene furrowed her eyebrows. “It’s like you haven’t been laid in three years.”

Seulgi gasped and crossed her arms over her chest. “Excuse you. I’m saving myself until marriage.”

Irene blinked. Was this girl for real?

“I hope you’ll respect my wishes. Although I don’t mind helping you out if you feel like you need to blow off some steam.”

“Wait, you’re serious.”

Seulgi tilted her head, eyes wide and innocent. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“How old are you?”

“You can look me up.” Seulgi jutted her lips at the phone Irene had previously pulled out. “You can hook up with me, too.”

“I thought you were saving yourself until marriage?”

“A girl’s gotta have some fun.” She winked. “I’m twenty-six, by the way. How old are you?”

“Oh lord,” Irene muttered under her breath. She puffed her cheeks before releasing the air. “Twenty-eight.”

“I love my women older. I want a wife who’s mature and reliable.”

“Why do you keep assuming that I’ll marry you? I don’t do commitment.”

“If it’s not you, I don’t ever think I’ll get married.”

“Not my problem.” Irene shrugged. “Why do you like me so much anyway? You barely know me.”

“You’re pretty. You look like my first love.”

“I don’t know whether to be offended or weirded out.”

“She was very pretty too. But she hated when I bought her stuff. Said it insulted her pride.” Seulgi pouted again. “My love language is gift-giving.”

“There’s no such thing. It’s receiving gifts.”

Seulgi leaned forward, staring into Irene’s eyes. “Do you like receiving gifts?”

Irene blinked in surprise at the close proximity of their faces. “Yeah, I guess,” she said honestly. Her entire career was based around materialistic gain.

“Gosh, you’re perfect.” Seulgi booped Irene’s nose. It caused the latter to jerk back in surprise. “I like pouring all my affections into pleasing the person I love.”

"Love?” Irene choked out. What the hell was this girl? “We just met!”

“Love at first sight? I believe in it.”

“Well, I don’t. So sorry.” Irene pressed her hand against Seulgi’s shoulder, which was surprisingly nicely muscled, and pushed her back. “I’ll have a meal or two with you, but that’s it.” Irene didn’t like the clingy ones. There was a time she misjudged what seemed to be a rich playboy band member and ended up having to file a restraining order against him.

“Irene, you said you’ll be my bae,” Seulgi whined.

“You misheard. Maybe you should get your ears checked.”

“I may have horrible eyesight, but my hearing’s perfect.” Seulgi squinted at Irene. “Although I can still tell a goddess when I see one.”

“One date, Kang Seulgi. Hell, I’ll even sleep with you if you’re that desperate, but no commitments.”

“Irene—”

The door opened again. A different teller peeked in and let her eyes dart back and forth between the two women.

“Um, Ms. Kang. Johnny told me that you would be in here.”

“Oh. Is everything settled?”

The woman nodded. “Fortunately, the police arrived just as they were leaving.”

“That’s good to hear. And the customers?”

“We’ve asked that they not consult each other in the rare case that the police calls up witnesses after already having arrested the perpetrators, but nobody was harmed.”

“Good, good.” Seulgi hummed. “And my father?”

“A call has been placed to the headquarters about the incident and the temporary closing of the bank. We will wait for further instructions to reopen.”

“Alright, thank you, Winter. I guess I’ll head back to the office then and talk to my dad.”

“No problems, Ms. Kang. We’ll take care of the rest here.”

Seulgi nodded, turning to Irene. “Shall we?” She motioned for Irene to head out first.

Irene looked between the teller and Seulgi. “Uh, yeah.”

They left the vault room and headed into the main area of the bank, where everyone was slowly filing out. A few customers glanced at the two women curiously, but Seulgi simply blended in with the others and walked out. She turned to Irene and held out a hand.

“Can I have your number?”

“Wow, you work fast.” Irene took out her phone. “You give me yours. I’ll call you on my own time.”

Seulgi pressed her lips together in disappointment but didn’t falter. “Alright.” She reached into her hoodie pocket and took out a brand name wallet, then took out a card. “Here.”

Irene carefully took the card with two fingers:

      KANG SEULGI, Managing Director
      Kang & Park Finance Group

“That’s a pretty hefty position you got there.”

Seulgi shrugged. “Call me a parachute, but it’s mine. Still had to go through six years of college and get my MBA for it.”

“Who’s the Park?”

“My friend, Sooyoung. Her dad.” Seulgi shoved the hand holding the wallet back into her pocket. “She works the legal side of our business. Chief Legal Officer.”

“Hmm.” Irene pocketed the card. “I see.”

“So…” Seulgi clasped her hands together behind her back and rocked back and forth on her heels. “Will I be seeing you?”

People streamed around them as Irene looked into the taller girl’s eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

§

Irene only texted the number on the card because she was in the mood for some lobster, but damn did the reply come quickly. She unlocked the screen to her newest smartphone (courtesy of some idiot she dealt with three weeks earlier) and saw an emoticon with heart eyes. She sighed.

‘Are you free for dinner today? I’ll take you up on your dinner date offer’

‘Will make time. When?’

Irene raised an eyebrow at the rather offhand manner in which Seulgi texted (aside from the emoticon). ‘Six?’

There was no reply for a while, so Irene wondered if she had been scammed. Usually she was the one who did the scamming. She was debating whether or not to double-text but ultimately decided against it. Irene had pride.

She had fallen asleep when her phone blasted her ringtone (Diamond was her gold digging anthem), jolting her awake. She cursed, rubbed her eyes, and squinted at the screen to see an unsaved number.

“Hello? Who’s this?”

“Hi, Irene.”

Irene’s eyes shot open as she took another look at the number. Oh. It was Kang Seulgi’s unsaved number.

“Oh, hello. Didn’t expect a call.”

“Sorry.” There was a pause. “I had a meeting, so I couldn’t reply. I actually have one in two minutes, which is why I called. I thought it’d be faster than texting.”

“I see.”

“Six is perfect, by the way.” Irene could practically see the lovesick look on the heiress’s face. “Was there a specific place you wanted to go to?”

“Do you know any good lobster places?”

Seulgi hummed. “I’ll have my secretary make a reservation at the Reve.” A pause. “What’s your address, by the way?”

Irene frowned. “Why do you need my address?” A guy’s face flashed past in front of her eyes. She hoped she wouldn’t have to file another restraining order.

“I’m going to pick you up.”

“I can go by myself,” Irene replied in a flat tone.

“Nonsense. If you don’t text me your address, I’ll just have my assistant track you down. Since you are a customer at one of our banks.”

“Jesus, that’s totally not problematic at all.”

“I was kidding. But please do text me your address. You won’t regret it.”

“I—”

“Oh, I have to head in now. See you later, person who I fell in love with at first sight even if she doesn’t believe me.”

“What the hell—”

The call ended.

§

When Seulgi mentioned Irene not regretting something, Irene had assumed that there would be no regrets because Kang Seulgi didn’t bust down her door like a SWAT agent on steroids. A small box left at her doorstep, no trace of whoever rang her doorbell, was not at all what she was expecting.

There was a small card that read ‘Surprise! Hope you like it :)’ on top of the pink box. Irene assumed it was from Seulgi, although it was possible that the crazy stalker dude might have been lurking around. She locked both of the locks on her door and checked to make sure that no one was visible from her window before drawing the curtains shut.

The dress that was inside the box was, weirdly enough, her exact size, and it screamed ‘my daddy’s a millionaire.’ Possibly a billionaire. But Irene knew a limited edition S/S designer dress when she saw one, and there it was, staring back at her face. This was on a whole different level from the clothing her previous clowns had gotten her.

Irene stood in front of the mirror with the dress on. Damn, it looked good. She looked good. But she always looked good; it was a must for seducing rich people. She wouldn’t deny that the dress made her look extra good. She shot finger guns at her reflection before moving on to do her makeup and hair.

With about thirty minutes left, Irene settled on her sofa and pulled out her phone to look up the Reve. She’d heard of it before, but no one ever took her there. Irene clicked on the reviews.

‘Oh em gee~ Sooooooo nice!!! Really really really really fancy and they’ve got a huuuuuuge selection of wines!’

‘Totally worth the six month wait! #bestproposalever’

Irene squinted. Six months? She looked up reservations for the Reve. Their website mentioned a four- to seven-month wait. Jesus Christ.

Her doorbell rang, and she jumped, dropping her phone onto her lap. She checked the time. Twenty minutes left. Walking to the door, Irene looked through the peephole. A very distorted Kang Seulgi stared expectantly at her.

“I told you that I can get there myself,” Irene said while opening the door.

Seulgi shoved a bouquet of flowers, which also seemed like it was arranged at a high-end boutique, into her hands. “You look great in that dress. Bless my mom for passing on her artistic genes.”

Irene gave the younger girl a once over. She was still in her work attire: pencil skirt and blouse with blazer. Nice fit. A shame that she was a bit delusional. “I look good in everything. Don’t flatter yourself.”

“You’re absolutely right. You could step all over me and I’d still think you look amazing.”

Irene didn’t respond as she went to her living room to put the flowers in a vase. Seulgi started following her in.

“Um.” Irene held a palm to Seulgi’s chest, holding her back. “I didn’t say you could come in.”

Seulgi pouted. “I just wanna see the interior.”

“Why would you do that?”

“So I can get you decorations.”

“I—” Irene sighed. “Don’t move beyond the living room.”

Seulgi smiled widely. “Yes, ma’am!”

Irene went to put the flowers in the vase. Seulgi was bouncing from wall to wall like a hyper child, typing something in her phone the entire time. Irene whistled to catch her attention.

“Can you calm down? My head hurts.”

Seulgi stretched. “I’m done. Shall we head out now?” She held out an elbow chivalrously. “I will lead the way, Queen Bae.”

“Don’t.”

“Sorry.”

They made their way down, Seulgi bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet the entire time, and Irene’s jaw dropped when she saw the Bugatti Veyron. “Is that your car?”

“Yeah. Her name’s Veyonce.”

“The ?”

“I love Beyonce, okay?” Seulgi unlocked the car and opened the door for Irene. “Although I love you even more.”

“Are we doing this again?” Irene rubbed her temple. “I told you that I’m thinking of a no-strings-attached meeting.”

Seulgi settled down in her seat, closing the driver’s seat door, before reaching over to pull Irene’s seat belt across her body and clicking it into place. She looked up at Irene, face close to the latter.

“I don’t know why you won’t let me court you. I’m rich, and I can give you everything. If you want to become a professional paintball player, I’ll support you. If you want to strip, I’d be very jealous and try to stop you, but I’d find you a private tutor to teach you. If you want to transform into a dinosaur—”

“Wait, wait.” Irene frowned. “Why are all the things you assume I want to do so nonsensical?”

“I’m just declaring the extent of my love.”

“You’re crazy, right.”

“Crazy in love with you, yes.”

Irene closed her eyes and counted to ten. She opened them. “Did I tell you that I’m a gold digger?”

Seulgi grinned. “I do love giving gifts, so I guess it works out.”

“I’m not joking.”

“Me neither. I respect the hustle.”

“There’s something seriously wrong with you.”

“Yeah, there is.” Seulgi blinked. “You’re not my girlfriend yet.”

Irene pushed Seulgi’s forehead with her finger. All the way back to her side of t