"If you keep the baby, you don't love me"

What Leeteuk just said makes Heechul's eyes wide open, "Jungsoo... what do you mean by saying that? You know how much I love you, I want this baby because I love you... I want this baby because it is from you! How could you say that? You are the one who understands me the most Park Jungsoo!". Leeteuk though, only looks up at Heechul's mad face but he is definitely not wavering, "Then Heechul, you also know how much I love you too right? Having this baby can be too dangerous for you.. you might leave me forever, Kim Heechul! What can I do without you?! You are my biggest motivation to continue on living day by day!!! This thing that you said you want because it is from me, it is actually not love!!! It is just your ego!!!". Leeteuk is loud enough that the nurse outside definitely heard all his words but he no longer cares to keep up any pretenses. Heechul on the other hand is definitely angry now.

"Then, I will just do it all alone!!!!! This is all my ego you said? Then I will grow this baby alone!!! I don't even need you! You should love me! You should love this baby too!!! This is our love, this baby is our proof of love too but you-" Heechul's eyes start glistening and he can't finish what he's trying to say, too hurt and disappointed to the point that he wants to just hide and cry everything out. Their love isn't all rainbow and sunshine but to hear those words from the one he loves the most is just crushing.

Meanwhile, Leeteuk definitely sees the teary eyes but- despite his heart squeezing at such obvious sadness in those eyes for Leeteuk now, Heechul is just being an egoist. Leeteuk definitely doesn't want to back down at all. Neither does Heechul. They are both stubborn after all.

"Fine.... fine! if that is what you want, I will leave the decision in your hands.. after all, you are Kim Heechul and nothing can stop your decision! But I don't want to be involved!" With that, Leeteuk storms out and leaves Heechul in the room all alone, ignoring the center staffs' glances and whispers. He could faintly hear Heechul's scream of frustration before he pushes the lift button to go down, not glancing back even once.

'He'll come back to his senses soon' is what Leeteuk thought as the lift door closes, putting a distance so huge between them that they are further apart than they had ever been in this lifetime.

***

Before they both know it, it has already been 2 months since Heechul see Leeteuk. He tried to go to Leeteuk's house that same night they had that huge fight to talk properly after he calmed down but he stopped himself right before he keys in the door code. Since it is not the first time Heechul had faced a hurt and angry Leeteuk, he knows it always takes quite some time for Leeteuk to calm down himself. This is not the usual break or off time they often undergo post-miscarriage, this is almost the same level as what he felt 9 years ago during 'Incheon Battle' time. After deep thinking in front of the huge white door, Heechul just left while telling himself that Leeteuk needs more time. But deep down he knows it was a lie and he is actually too scared to hear more hurtful words from the one he loves the most.

Meanwhile, during the months that they are apart, all Leeteuk can think of is Heechul. Without a doubt, he feels guilty to leave Heechul hanging and alone during his pregnancy but at the same time, he can't stop feeling scared and mad about how Heechul did not try to understand his point of view at all. Every time he remembers what the doctor had said, Leeteuk always feels his heart squeezing in fear. Something he really wanted several years ago has now become something he really hates. He hates how out of control everything is to him and how he feels like Heechul is just slipping through his fingers. Sometimes, he wakes up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat after a horrible nightmare filled with blood, pain, and Heechul's screams.

Yet, despite all that, he would still unconsciously walks into a baby shop to just mindlessly see some of the pregman baby clothes and toys. Pregman baby is always smaller than the ones born from a woman since the pregman's womb is not as big as a woman's and looking at how small and cute the clothes are— he couldn't help but smile.

"How tiny...." and then, he always finds himself at the cash register, paying for those he thinks Heechul will like the most and imagining Heechul's wide beaming smile. Yet, every time he walks out of a store, he would feel like kicking himself from how conflicted he actually feels inside. And thus, the clothes would always be thrown somewhere in a room inside his house and slowly growing into a pile.

Funnily enough though, during these several months, Leeteuk is the one who experiences morning sickness. He often feels nausea right as he wakes up in the morning or even worse during his shoot for the cooking show at EBS. "Are you ok, Leeteuk? Lately, during the shoot, you seem to often be quite sick especially when the food has a strong smell.. if I didn't know any better, I would say it looks like a symptom of pregnancy" one of the PD says jokingly when he gives water to Leeteuk after one of his vomiting sessions. Despite it being an obvious joke, Leeteuk still flinches at how close it is actually hitting him "I'm a man... I won't get pregnant... I guess I'm just tired.. or I ate something weird last night...".

The PD just smiles "well in this world, pregman do exist... you are cute and pretty enough to pass as one, you know" Leeteuk tried to smile but it comes out as grimace instead. "I won't even have abs if I am, Mr. PD. I guess I'm just too tired from my schedule and it's making my senses sensitive or something. It's not that serious". The PD just laughs at that and takes back the glass once Leeteuk is done before announcing that they are taking a ten minutes break. Leeteuk sighs, and all he thinks about is how he's actually 'very tired mentally'.

Super Junior's schedules are still going on and as usual, Heechul is often absent from the group activities and meetups. Sometimes it is because he is definitely busier with his individual schedules, sometimes though, it is just because Leeteuk is there. They both had somehow become experts at avoiding each other which of course doesn't go unnoticed by the members and even some staffs. Yet amongst the members, only Siwon is brave enough to approach the leader.

"Hyung, how is the baby?" Siwon asks Leeteuk without much fanfare but he immediately is silenced by the trademarked Leeteuk glare, "you all know though how the baby is doing, maybe you even know directly from Heechul too... I'm sure you all talk about that behind me.. So, I don't think I need to answer that.. since you all definitely know more than me..." Siwon then took a seat behind him, "Hyung, Heechul hyung needs you... until when do you want to keep on sulking like this? If it is dangerous.. then aren't you suppose to help him? Do really you believe Heechul hyung can handle this alone and not make himself in danger?".

Siwon's argument absolutely makes sense and in some ways, Leeteuk definitely agrees with it. But thinking of what the doctor had said and Heechul's stubbornness, Leeteuk don't even know how to start again. Deep down, he really misses Heechul, he aches for him but their problem now feels like it can never be solved and he tried to tell Siwon that. However, before Leeteuk can properly answer, his nausea rose up and he quickly stands up. "Hyung this might be karma from God for you... you better solve this problem soon.." Siwon's sarcasm is echoing in his head as he makes a run for the toilet, somehow glad he doesn't have to answer Siwon properly.

***

This cold relationship between Heechul and Leeteuk also affects Heechul a lot. Heechul since the beginning is not someone who eats well or often, he is the type to play a game lost track of time and it does not change much now. To distract himself from his current problem, he keeps on playing even more than before, and because of that, he often forgot to eat his vitamins or worse, a meal. He is lucky that he still has nice staff and a best friend, Gunhee, to remind him and take care of him and his unborn baby.

"Oppa! It's time to go to the center!" Today too, the Kims are yelling at Heechul. "Ahh, the baby is just fine.... can we not go? I'm busy now..." Heechul answers while his eyes are glued to the screen of his mobile phone. "Oppa!! Really?! Didn't you say to Teuk Oppa that you can take care of yourself and will be fine? But look at you now.... after saying to us that you'll take good care of yourself because you're sure he will back, you look like you lost yourself now... you aren't even taking good care of anything! Are you losing hope now? Suddenly not confident that he will come back so you think it's okay to not take care of yourself? What are you gonna do then? If you keep on being like this, maybe it's better for you to ask Teuk Oppa to get back together..." Kims are looking at Heechul who still hasn't even lifted his eyes from