The nightmare always hurts. 

 

Yeri finds her hands are shaking a lot when she opens her eyes. She takes a quick breath for a few times before looking around to tell herself about the actual reality she has right now. To force her brain to learn that the nightmare is not real.

 

It takes her a few seconds to realized that Jungkook is also in the same state with her, he's tossing around, still with his eyes closed and woken up by a repeated heavy breathing which means that he is in pain, she thought it wasn't as bad as what she usually saw but when he turn her body away from her, making a huge space in between them she knows that he's having it as hard as before.

 

She stared at his back, feeling sorry, she wanted to reach him, comforting him with words, but she didn't because she knew it wouldn't help him that much. She ended up crying because she realized how useless her existence is. She can not even make him reduce his pain with anything. She was going to close her eyes, and try to go back to sleep, acting like nothing happened, before Jungkook turned his body back to her. His eyes are open. He has teary eyes too, his face is pale.

 

He doesn’t say anything when he reach his arms to takes her closer to him, he keeps looking and staring at her without a blink, Yeri knows that this is the worst part for him, to find her as his reality in the same state of his nightmare, her who looked so hopeless, crying, as if she’s still the one who he tried to kill.

 

Even though he hugs her, and he didn't tell her to go away like before, judging from how his hands are shaking when he holds her, it is obvious that nothing is getting better with her being here. He's just letting her stay so he can get used with the pain she caused. She restrains herself to say anything to him and the only thing she does is hugging him back, takes her body closer to him and tries to go back to sleep.

 

***

 

One of the worst nights, that's what Yeri thought when she finally got up in the morning. It was so cold at dawn that she remembers whining and Jungkook took a thick blanket she usually uses from her room so she can go back to sleep. She did that not on purpose, because who is in their right mind to do that after what happened to Jungkook last night. He had a hard enough time dealing with her.

 

That's probably the reason why she is the one who woke up first, it is already too late for Jungkook's usual morning routine. He is late for work too.

 

She gets down from the bed very slowly, she doesn't want to wake him up, she rather keeps him here for as long as she can. The kitchen is already noisy at times like this.

She has plans to go back to her room before anyone notices that she isn’t there.

 

She's back to her room, taking a shower and prepared to show up in front of her parents for breakfast.

 

"Good morning."

 

She greets them weakly because last night was hard for her and she's completely tired because of it.

 

"I saw your suitcase, are you going somewhere?"

 

She's glancing at her mom when she asks, it seems like she's already aware that Yeri wasn't in her room last night, she even found out about her packing to leave.

 

"My apartment needs renovation. I'll be living somewhere near my agency."

 

"Where?"

 

“Jeon Jungkook’s place”

 

“Why?”

 

“It is so much more comfortable to live with him than you.”

 

Yeri is still not saying anything to her parents about staying with him so she looked around to see the reaction they had when they knew.

 

"Good morning, Mr. Jeon."

 

She turns her head when Nana greets Jungkook as he comes to the room, looking so fine and good. He is wearing his work attire already. He only responds to Nana with a nod and a light bow to her parents who sees nothing wrong from him while she..knows that he is not in a good condition.

 

She does nothing but watch him closely when he takes a seat next to her and pours a cup of coffee for him to drink while staring at his phone. She really wanted to ask about his feelings but decided not to when he is the one who started a conversation first.

 

"Are you ok? You looked like a sick person last night?"

 

"How about you? Are you feeling ok?"

 

She talks in a thin voice, trying so hard to not be heard by anyone else but Jungkook who's sitting next to her. 

 

"I am not."

 

His answers are clear and Yeri feels completely not fine for hearing this. She bite her lips and stares at him who's started eating his food and back to focus on his work.

 

"I'm really sorry, but your last chance was yesterday. I'm staying."

 

Yeri takes a huge bite of toast while giving him a little laugh, not too bright but it fixes his morning perfectly. The thing she said and the way she said it.

 

He only responds to her with a smile and back to focusing on his work, his other distraction.

 

"Do you want to go somewhere with me?"

 

"Where?"

 

He talked without looking at her and she took his phone because of it. She looked serious when their eyes finally met.

 

"A secret. We can go before or after you're done working."

---

---

 

 

 

Jungkook decided to go with Yeri before work, since he actually is not sure until when he’s going to work. He planned to stay up all night at his office. One of his purposes is to avoid having a nightmare for 3 days in a row, it is exhausting.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

They drove for half an hour already, but Yeri still won’t tell him about their destination, one thing for sure, this is not a familiar road.

 

“We’re near.”

 

She doesn’t answer him but signs him to make a right turn with her hands.

 

It is a cemetery. He has been familiar with this kind of place since he was young.

 

"I don't know why I never have the courage to bring you here, just like how you do it for my family but..I want you to come here now.”

 

He never asked, and Yeri nor her parents never talked about it. In fact, he doesn't want to be here.

 

It is easier for Yeri to come to see her sister's grave because she never met her before, it's almost like she never saw her alive except in her dreams, while he.. he spent his life looking for Seokjin not knowing he died. He had all the things he wanted to ask him, he had all the hatred he wanted to show him.

 

That man promised a life to him, a decent one and then left him with nothing. Now that he thinks about it, all the things he did with Yeri and her family never properly erased his hatred for Seokjin. Maybe that's why the nightmare won't go away.

 

"I was scared to be in a position where I should choose between you and my brother, that's why I don't want you to be here."

 

"He is dead."

 

He ended up laughing sarcastically because of what Yeri said, because of the way she talked like her brother is still alive.

 

"I know, that's why i get scared, if he was alive, i'd choose you without a second thought, the fact that he died..and i'm here living my life with you.."

 

He decided to stop looking at Yeri because he doesn't like what he heard, she seems to notice it and stop talking immediately.

 

"You won't be here with me if he's still alive, that would be ridiculous if i'm dating my sister's ex boyfriend whose family was.."

 

Yeri finally realized that even though Jungkook always told her to spare herself from guilty feelings over her brother's sucide, that she isn't wrong for what she did, acting like he is fine watching him in an old video, is not equal to him forgiving what Seokjin did. The only thing he's doing is compromise with the situation he needs to get through.

 

"Ruined her life."

 

He finished his sentence with a bitter smile and she can feel her eyes are getting warm.

 

"You don't need to come, if you don't want to, I'm sorry."

 

She said it really quick while wiping her tears and gave him a smile. He's no longer saying anything to her.

 

She stares at him for one last time before coming out from the car, but walks back to him because she is reminded of something. She's coming back in and stares at him, he won't see her so she touches his arms lightly.

 

"My brother died on your birthday."

 

"Why are you telling me this?"

 

"Back when I didn't know who you were, I was thinking of taking you here. I always come here alone, not with my family or anyone else, but suddenly..i wanted to be with someone"

 

Jungkook is doing nothing but stares at her with his dark and sharp eyes until she loses everything she wanted to say and leaves. She feels like she has so many things to say but failed to make it into words. She is ashamed to treat Jungkook like this but also angry with how he reacted to this. 

 

She worked hard to gain enough courage to take him here, she thought about it for a million times, she thought everything will be fine because that’s what Jungkook has been doing. He said nothing bad when she talked about Seokjin, he said nothing when she took him to watch those old footage of him. He told her he’s over it.

 

She finally arrived in a familiar corner, being alone here is never a problem. That’s what she’s been doing for years. She stared at the green grass surrounding Seokjin’s grave. It looked pretty, at least. The strong and cold wind is hitting her face and she uses it as an excuse to cry.  

 

“Why am I so pitiful?”

 

She speaks to herself while looking around because regardless of what happened to her. Right now, she’s still that one poor sister whose brother died by a suicide and ended up blaming herself so she would come here and cry alone while watching her brother’s grave. 

 

***

 

Yeri walks back with a very low spirit because it is a fact that she will be having a hard time facing Jungkook right now. She even has thoughts about him leaving her, which is actually better. She ended up sighing when she found him still here, he’s out of his car, leaning his back  and staring down at the ground, sometimes playing with his shoes.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

That’s what she told him when he finally noticed her existence, she opened the car door but Jungkook blocked her way in. She avoided his eyes as much as she could but failed miserably when he stared at her with such an intimidating gaze that she had no other way but to look at him.

 

“You cried.”

 

“I’m visiting my brother’s grave, of course I cried.”

 

Yeri pushed his hands away so that he could feel pain because of it, she pushed it with quite a force. He takes a few steps back from her, she seems to notice that he got hurt because of what she did. She didn’t say sorry but her eyes totally did.

 

“About your brother..”

 

“You didn’t say anything wrong.”

 

Yeri cuts his words and tries to get inside the car once again but he manages to stop her again, he puts his hands on her shoulder, lifts her face to her only to find her crying.

 

“He is dead, you were right. I shouldn’t take you here, that is also right. I was carried with our relationship that seems so perfect to the point I’m forgetting what he did to you.”

 

He didn’t say anything to defend himself because to tell Yeri that he didn’t mean what he said is a complete lie. 

 

“You are just so good at pretending, it's a shame that you can not do it until the end.”

 

It is annoying hearing those words, Yeri talked very carefully but also clearly to show that she really is angry for what he said and he did. He is totally lost at words, the only thing he can do right now is laugh while trying so hard to not say things worse than what he already said or heard from Yeri.

 

It is obvious for him that Yeri actually regrets what she just said, she seems surprised with her own capability to behave like a jerk towards him in this situation. She seems frustrated as she swaps her hair back while holding her tears.

 

“How do you expect me to react to that?”

 

He’s as annoyed as her, as angry as her. That's why instead of letting it go, he decided to confront her about this. Yeri is totally uncomfortable with it.

 

“I expect nothing. You are already angry at me since I brought you here.”

 

“I don’t need your permission to get mad.”

 

He opens the door for Yeri before walking away and leaves her standing on her position while sighing. He watches her from afar because none of them wanted to get inside the car and leave this place.

 

His phone rang a few seconds later, from one of his secretaries, he picked it up and when she asked if he would come to work or not, he said no. He doesn’t feel like dealing with it right now. 

 

The phone call ended really quick, and he glanced at Yeri who’s still not moving from her position. 

 

“Are you going to stay here?”

 

Jungkook’s voice is rough, he was trying to be gentle and patient with Yeri but he failed. He became even more tired when he received no answer and he made a choice to leave. Leave without her.

 

“You don’t need my permission to get angry.”

 

But he changed his mind when Yeri was talking to him and made a way round to stand in front of him. Her eyes are still teary.

 

“But do I need your permission if I want to lean on you?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“I was wondering if I ever misunderstood our relationship. He loves me so much, of course he’ll help me if I need someone to..”

 

“It’s not relevant.”

 

He doesn’t know what Yeri means with those words, but there is an urgency from his heart to stop her from talking. 

 

“Do I need to ask for your permission if I want you to lessen my long-time pain about my brother?”

 

“Kim Yeri..”

 

“Is your hatred for my brother bigger than your love for me?”

 

She ended the question with a smile, a forced one.

 

“I need your honest answer so we don’t need to face this situation again.”

 

She left him petrified in his position while finally getting inside the car. Lean her head to the window and close her eyes.

 

***

 

Yeri actually has a choice to go back to her parent's home instead of staying with Jungkook as planned, but the thought of explaining to them about the abrupt change of her stay is forcing her to stick with her old plan. Stay with him until her apartment is fixed.

 

They don’t talk to each other at all after that incident. She fell asleep on the way and got up just in time, so Jungkook doesn’t need to wake her up. She’s unloading her own suitcase and dragging it by herself, he didn’t offer any help either.

 

“You know the password.”

 

That’s the first word he told her when they finally arrived, Yeri doesn’t feel right to actually behave like a resident here after what happened earlier. She waited for him to unlock the door.

 

She’s not responding and entering the house after him. She puts her suitcase in a guest room on the first floor, instead of Jungkook’s main bedroom upstairs. She received no question or protest about it so she kept walking and closed the door immediately.

 

She lays down and decides to sleep to calm herself down. 

 

 

---

---

 

 

"Is your hatred for my brother bigger than your love for me?"

 

Jungkook can not believe that question is hard to answer, he even leaves the house so he won't see Yeri and he will find peace while thinking about it.

 

If the question was asked last night or two days ago, he would definitely have said no. But judging from how he reacted to what Yeri did this morning, he isn't sure anymore.

 

He was back to take a walk in his old neighborhood, trying to reminisce about his miserable life and find a reason why he is still so angry regarding what Seokjin did.

He thought he already made peace with him through his family but it doesn't seem to work.

 

And the place he chose to stay right now is making everything a little bit more depressing.

 

"It's been a while."

 

He sits next to Sooyoung's grave and takes out a bunch of wild grass surrounding it. To think that he used to come here almost everyday when he was young makes him feel bad that as he grows up, he only came here when he felt depressed and complained about her death.

 

He squats down while thinking about how life would be different if he had both Yeri and her sister. If Sooyoung was still alive. Yeri would be a stranger, regardless of what will happen to their siblings' relationship, there is no way he will make a choice to fall in love with her.

 

He takes a deep breath and looks around after his heart feels somehow better. 

It isn’t because his sister, she is dead anyway, what can she do for him at times like this. 

 

It’s just those memories he has, when no one else is available to hear him venting about his miseries, the surrounding of this place makes him calm.

 

“Is it ok if I forgive him?”

 

He talked while looking down to the ground, he knew for sure that Sooyoung would say yes to his question if she could. She was that stupid. 

 

It’s just him who refuses to make peace with the thoughts of getting answers from Seokjin himself for what he did. He never knew he died, he has his own expectations about seeing him again after he fought hard for his life.

 

And when everything was unveiled, when he got the answers, when he found out that he died, he became angry by the fact that all his fights were meaningless. 

 

Jungkook’s thoughts are distracted by noise coming from afar, a quick step is getting near and stopped right away when he lifts his face. Yeri.

 

She completely did not expect him here, that she made a u-turn immediately when their eyes met. She probably aware that it is stupid to act like he didn’t see her so she turn her face back to him again. She has huge buckets of lilies on her hands. Sooyoung’s favorite as far as he is concerned.

 

“I remember my brother said something about this before..”

 

Yeri thinks that Jungkook will spend his time at his office or a random bar to get drunk after what happened earlier. She never expected to see him here. This is totally out of her plan and makes everything awkward. She walks slowly to put the flowers she bought in front of Sooyoung’s grave.

 

“About her favorite flower, I mean..”

 

She fixed her sling bag on her shoulder and avoided Jungkook’s eyes which locked into her every movement.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

She is hesitant to tell him the truth but she has no other excuse.

 

"I was wondering why you got so angry earlier.."

 

There is a smirk on Jungkook's face when she says that, he thinks it's ridiculous.

 

"I know our situation is different. I never met your sister, she never told me anything or promised me anything.."

 

She thinks a further explanation is needed, so she won't come out as more evil than how she actually is.

 

"Did you find your answer?"

 

He walks towards her while sighing and placing his hands on his pocket, hiding it from her reach so she can't touch him.

 

"I didn't."

 

"Of course."

 

She petrified on her position when Jungkook walked past her and left. He's not stopping or turning around, it actually makes her heart feel heavy. She wiped a few drops of tears on her cheeks and looked around before she stared at Sooyoung's grave and found a noticeable amount of wild grass next to it. He did that. Jeon Jungkook.

 

She stayed for quite a while, placing the lilies she brought in a fixed position and cleaning up the rest of the wild grass Jungkook took earlier.

 

She walks back to the entrance gate while keeping her head down. She doesn't know if this problem she has with Jungkook will be solved easily. They always have their own pride if it's about their siblings. They see them as enemies for years, nothing will easily change that even if they tried to be logical about it.

 

She takes her phone when she is near the gate, she takes a taxi to come here and plans to ask Jay or Bona to get her back. She also has an option to stay with them until things get better with Jungkook.

 

Bona picked up her call right away, but Yeri cut it off again when she found Jungkook and his car in front of her. He's out, leaning his back on the right side of his car. Once again, seeing him is a surprise.

 

"I'll see it."

 

He noticed her existence quickly and told her to get inside the car.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Your brother's grave. I'll see it."

 

Yeri couldn't even respond to that as he got in the car immediately She follows him while focusing her eyes on him, and the way he drives.

 

What is going on with him?

 

It was almost an hour drive and they didn't talk to each other at all. Not until when they arrived and he told her to show him the way.

 

"Why are you changing your mind?"

 

She finally decided to ask him first when they're on the walk together. She really wants to know.

 

"Do you know that your brother once went to my grandmother's place with my sister? they spent two days there."

 

Instead of answering her question, he started to talk about other things.

 

"I don't. I always avoid talking about her."

 

Back then, Yeri was always showing how much she didn't care about her brother's relationship. She never treats it as something significant.

 

“I was so annoyed that I ended up running away from home.”

 

She takes a glance at him to see what kind of feeling he has while remembering this story. There is no smile on his face.

 

"The next day, they were looking for me, my sister was worried and I came home only to find her crying surrounded by her friends and your brother."

 

It is weird to listen to something she doesn't know is happening because right now her thoughts are so full with Seokjin who is probably having the best day of his life on that short vacation together with Sooyoung. So much happier than when he spent it with her and their parents.

 

"Everyone's scolding me but him. He chose to focus on my sister, making her stop crying, listen to all the vents of anger she had for me, and buy her ice cream so she'll feel better."

 

Yeri can not help but smile while listening to this story, it is so believable, like for sure Seokjin will do that.

 

"I never told you this because of my pride, I just want you to know all the bad things he'd done to me and my sister, so all my hatred for him is justified. And you’ll understand why I planned that revenge for you.”

 

She stopped when the talk was getting harder and heavier for her to understand. She stopped and Jungkook did the same too. She's too dumbfounded for how he kept all the bad thoughts about Seokjin on his mind until right now.

 

"You told me and showed me the opposite."

 

"I didn't realize until you brought me here this morning. All my hatred for him never faded properly. I still hate him so much."

 

It's not like Yeri didn't know, she realized about it this morning, the reason why he got so angry and said all the things he said in front of her face was because he still hates him. But to actually be proven right still hurts.

 

The way he pretends like he is a better person than her when in fact he still has this hatred for Seokjin, maybe he still has a plan for revenge without her knowing.

 

“You are so good at pretending..”

 

He is so close to defending himself from her judgment but when he stares at her teary eyes, how disappointed she is. He became weak and angry at his own choice for behaving like this.

 

“All this time I thought I was the only one who’s not normal for acting crazy over our situation..but you..lied, you hide everything.”

 

She stopped talking and left abruptly.

 

"Will there be any difference if I tell you? Everything will be worse than how it is, Kim Yeri. You know it better than anyone."

 

He ended up saying things without second thoughts seeing her running away. And it is actually enough to make her stop and walk back to him, she gives him a hard push on his chest as she's crying even more.

 

"You know it will be affecting you so much worse."

 

But he does nothing and repeats what he said once again, until she takes her hands off from his body and stares at the ground, still crying.

 

"So.. I'm just a crazy person in front of your eyes?"

 

"That's not what I meant."

 

"The difference? I saw myself as the worst kind of human who doesn't deserve you. I was so lonely thinking that you have moved on from our past perfectly, that you made peace with it, I was envious of you, I am amazed by how you did it."

 

She finally lifted her face to him again, her tears started to get dried out but her expression is still a mess. She is angry, sad, disappointed, scared. She looked around once before taking a deep breath and used her hands to cover her face.

 

"That's why I tried to leave. You made me think that I am a bad person and you are an angel I couldn't have."

 

He gained enough courage, trying to reach her hands but she tossed it right away with one mocking smile.

 

"I feel good now, knowing it wasn't true. You are as bad as me."

 

She left once again and this time, he really has nothing left to say for her. He is busy learning how Yeri was so ruined by his lies where he thought it was a better way for her.

 

---

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