SEASON 1 EPISODE 2- The BTVs

The Office-KPOP Edition!

(When corporate won’t pay for the annual employee appreciation awards ceremony, Sana is forced to create a memorable evening on a tight budget.)

 

Sana: Tonight is the BTV, the annual employee awards night here at BlackTwiceVelvet. [holds up a trophy of a businessman] And this is everybody’s favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don’t get trophies, very often. Like Jessi or Chaeyoung, I mean, who’s gonna give Chaeyoung an award? Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and she’ll tell her neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No girl. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, the employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor's house. Neighbor’s hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So…


 

Jisoo: So, are you ready for the… the BTV?

Lisa: Ugh…

Lisa: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The BTV are like a car wreck that you want to look away from, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Sana: [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It’s Fat Kimmie.

Jisoo: What?

Sana: [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Kimmie. [in normal voice] Jisoo Kim.

Sana: So why don’t I take you on a tour of past BTV winners. We got Fat Jisoo Kim here. Jisoo, why don’t you show off your BTV to the camera?

Jisoo: Oh, I can’t because I keep them hidden. I don’t want to look at them and get cocky.

Sana: Oh, that’s a good idea.

Irene: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.

Sana: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.

Sana: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it’s just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say “Don’t go there” but that’s… lame.

Sana: And here we have Hyolyn the Dally. Now Hyolyn is a BTV all-star, aren’t you Hyo? Why don’t you, ah, show them some of your bling.

Hyolyn: I don’t know where they are, I think I threw them out.

Sana: Oh, no you di-int.

Hyolyn: I think I did.

Sana: W-why did you…

Hyolyn: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?

Sana: Yes we should. I… you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Chaeyoung] someone had eaten all of them.

Sana: [in video] To Momo it’s the “Show Me the Money” award! Yeah!

Lisa: Sana has taped every BTV awards and now, she’s making me look through hours of footage to find highlights.

Momo: [in video] That’s supposed to be confidential.

Sana: [in video] She has the award-ah! …it’s a type of song that we are going to play for all us ladies. Hit it, Irene!

[Irene starts playing the tune of “Mambo No. 5” by Lou Bega on her recorder]

Sana: [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Lisssa, all night long, a little bit of Wendy on the thing…

[Somebody sits in front of the camera on the video, so even though nothing can be seen, Sana can still be heard]

Sana: [in video]…a little bit of Rosé everywhere…

Lisa: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Chaeyoung sat in front of the camcorder all night. It’s great.

Sana: [on video] …a little bit of Seeehhhun eating chicken crispers… …a little bit of Jisoo with some ribs, a little bit of…

Nayeon: It was you.

Rosé: Live and learn.

Lisa: [quietly laughing] It wasn’t. I swear.

Nayeon: Yeah, it was.

Irene: So, what’s the joke? You’re not perfect either.

Lisa: We’re not laughing at you, Irene.

Irene: So who are we laughing at?

Lisa: Um, just something somebody wrote.

Irene: Who? Dave Barry?

Nayeon: [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies’ room wall.

Irene: What is it? Who wrote it?

Lisa: Um, it’s kind of private.

Rosé: [whispering] It’s about Sana.

Irene: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Nayeon, if you tell me, you’ll be punished less.

Lisa: Okay, now I’m laughing at you.

Sana: [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Dahyun, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at BlackTwiceVelvet Scranton?

Dahyun: [on speaker phone] It’s a, it’s, it’s a two and a half hour drive from Incheon, Sana.

Sana: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.

Dahyun: No.

Sana: Wuh… Come on, Dahyun. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So…

Dahyun: No, we don’t approve of this Sana. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so… we’re not paying for this.

Sana: Um…

[Sana looks at the camera and motions for the camera to leave the office]

Sana: [to camera] Could you…?

Dahyun: Are you there Sana?

Sana: Yeah, I’m here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.

[Sana closes the blinds]

[The camera tries to find a crack in the blinds]

Sana: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean…

[The camera pans around to reception, Lisa is listening]

Sana: …come on, Dahyun!

[The camera goes to a side of Sana’s office where the blinds are still partially open]

Sana: You’re dropping an A-Bomb on me here.

Dahyun: Really? I’m dropping an atomic bomb on you?

Sana: Well, yeah, I mean, what is…

Dahyun: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.

Sana: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party…

Dahyun: And you had a luau….

Sana: …it happens once every billion years.

Dahyun: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.

Sana: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.

Dahyun: Okay, well, I don’t understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Sana. I mean, that doesn’t even make sense.

Sana: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.

Sana: This is a little character I like to do, Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] “Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than BlackTwiceVelvet.” Here’s the problem. There’s no open bar because of Dahyun and it’s the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It’ll be fine, I just…wish people were going to be drunk.

[Rosé catches Irene trying to sneak into Rosé, Jessi, Lisa, and Wendy’s bathroom]

Rosé: Irene, get out of here!!

[The door swings open and Irene is being pushed out by Rosé]

Irene: No, no, no, no…

Rosé: What were you doing in our room?!

Irene: …no, no, no, no, it’s not what you think.

Rosé: Why were you peering over the stalls?!

Irene: No, why were you in there?!

Rosé: You are a ert!

Irene: What were you doing in there?

Rosé: You, are, a ert!

Irene: I am not.

Sana: [in video] The BTV award for “Longest Engagement” goes to Lisa Manoban.

Sana: Lisa, everybody! [starts clapping]

[Lisa just sits there stirring her drink, rolls her eyes and glances over at Jisoo]

[Jisoo, at the adjacent table, crosses her arms and glances over at Lisa, both look annoyed]

Sana: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That’s what I have to say. Ah, Sehun’s accepting.

Sehun: [on video] Yes.

Sana: [on video] Thank you Sehun. Are there any words you’d like to say, on Lisa’s behalf?

Sehun: [on video] Ah, w-we’ll see you next year.

Sana: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!

Sana: I’m not changing that, it’s the best one.

Jisoo: No, it’s hilarious, you’re right. I just think, um, “world’s longest engagement”, um, we’re all expecting it, you know?

Sana: That’s why it’s funny. Every year that Sehun and Lisa don’t get married, it gets funnier.

Jisoo: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.

Sana: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh.

Irene: Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that some of you in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Sana on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a private room for a reason. And if you cannot behave in private, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.

Lisa: You’re taking away our bathroom?

Irene: Me, Jisoo, Sana, Hyolyn, Chaeyoung, Momo, and Jeongyeon are going to have two private rooms.

Rosé: But where would we…go?

Irene: Be prepared to hold folks [Sana comes out of her office] From 9 am to…

Lisa: Sana…

Sana: Yes.

Lisa: …Irene is banning us from our bathroom.

Sana: Okay, well, that’s just ridiculous, so just don’t, I-I don’t have time for this right now.

Irene: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions…

Sana: Just don’t, don’t talk-

Irene: …for people’s behavior.

Sana: Don’t talk-

Irene: And it’s-

Sana: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!

Sana: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the BTV this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The BTV are about the best, in every, one of us. Can’t you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.

Irene: [with a small fist pump] Yes!

Sana: Yeah, not bad, right? So let’s make this the best BTV ever.

Irene: [clapping] Best BTV ever.

Irene: Welcome to the eighth annual BTV awards.

[Quick cut to everybody talking and ignoring Irene]

Irene: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I’m not afraid to use it. [points] Devon!

Sana: “The BTV, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I’m psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You’re just a name and number and no one even says hello.” [to Jeongyeon] Card!

Momo: The BTV are kind of like a kid’s birthday party, and you go, and there’s really nothing for you to do there. But the kid’s having a really good time, so you’re, kind of there. That’s-that’s kind of what it’s like.

Sana: “You down with The BTV? You down with the BTV-“

[The music stops, Sana looks back at Irene]

Irene: The waitress tripped on the cord.

Sana: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2020 BTV awards. [takes off sweater to reveal a white dress] I am your hostess, Sana. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!

Chaeyoung: [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab.

Sana: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we’re going to be doing separate checks.

Hyolyn: You said, we could bring our families.

Sana: I did. And why didn’t ya Hyolyn?

Hyolyn: I did, my wife’s name is Bora.

Sana: Well, I’m looking forward to meeting Bora.

Hyolyn: It’s this person who’s hand I’m holding Sana.

[Sana is dumbfounded, Irene pushes a button on her keyboard that says, “OHHH, YEAHHHH.”]

Sana: [to Irene, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Irene.

Irene: Really? You went on a date with Mina from HR.

Sana: No, that…for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.

Irene: Yeah?

Sana: And I was about to take her bra off…

Irene: Yeah!

Sana: …when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-

Irene: Like an AIDS test?

Sana: No! [under his breath] God.

Sana: [clears throat] Alright, so let’s get this party staaaarrrrted.

Hyuna: Hey let’s go to Poor Richard’s.

Sehun: Yeah, let’s get out of here.

Lisa: Um…

Sana: Um, guys, where you going? Lisa, show’s just getting started.

Lisa: Sorry.

Jeongyeon: You staying?

Jisoo: Yeah, gotta eat somewhere.

Sana: And now… to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts…

Sana: …the “Busiest Beaver” award goes to Rosé.

[Everybody starts clapping, Rosé gets out of her booth and makes her way to Sana, she gives Jisoo a high five along the way]

Sana: Yeah, way to go Rosé. Nice work, per usual.

Rosé: This says “Bushiest Beaver”.

Sana: What? I told them busiest…idiots.

Rosé: It’s, it’s fine.

Sana: Well, we’ll fix it up. You don’t have to display that.

 

[Lisa and Sehun are at the truck, arguing.]

Lisa: …because that’s what happens every time!

Sehun: …talking about? He’s a jackass every year.

Lisa: No.

Sehun: [Put’s his hand on Lisa’s arm] Come on, we’re going to Poor Richard’s.

Lisa: [Breaks Sehun’s grip] No, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to.

Sehun: Lisa. Go.

Lisa: If you would have asked me that, then you would know.

 

[Sana has false teeth in and glasses with squinted eyes on them]

Sana: [in a stereotypical accent] Herro everybodeeee. I’m gonna cwall Dahyun.

Jisoo: Hey! How are ya? I thought you left?

Lisa: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay.

Jisoo: Oh!

Lisa: I’ll just get a ride home from Wendy.

Jisoo: Oh.

Lisa: Oh good, I’m just in time for Ping.

Jisoo: Yeah.

Sana: [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so .

[The camera zooms to an customer behind Sana, she is looking at Sana in disbelief]

Sana: Right? You know wat I’m talking ’bout.

Lisa: [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jisoo’s beer] Can I get a drink?

Sana: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office.

[Cut to Lisa still drinking the beer]

Sana: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The “Hottest in the Office” award goes to… …Jeongyeon the temp!

Sana: Yeah. [singing to music] “Hidy ho, you y thang. You y thang you.” Here you go.

Jeongyeon: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don’t know what I’m going to do. That’s the least of my…concerns right now.

Sana: And the “Tight ” award goes to Wendy. Not only because she is everybody’s favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So…come on down.

Wendy: No.

Jisoo: [Lisa starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty.

Lisa: No, no. ‘Cause the ice melts and then it’s like second drink! [laughs]

Jisoo: Second drink?

 

Sana: [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It’s so freakin’ hot in there. Now I know what Blackpink were going through when they performed in California. Man! I got Irene the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he’s early with the cue. Here we go.

Sana: [Sana is singing to the tune of “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John] “You have won a tiny BTV.”

Guy at bar: Sing it Elton.

Sana: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?

Other Guy at Bar: We just came from yo’ mama’s house.

Sana: Oh, alright, yeah.

Guy At Bar: Sing ’em a song dude.

Sana: Uh, you know what guys, we’re just having a little office party, so if you want, uh…

Sana: [Something flies by Sana] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-

[The guy at the bar throws another object, looks like a wad of wet napkins, this time it hits Sana on the shoulder]

Guy At Bar: You man!

Sana: Let’s cut it. [Irene turns the music off]

Sana: [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more BTV to, uh, give out tonight, but, I’m just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um…thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last BTV is for Chaeyoung, this is the “Strawberry” award. It’s for the time that… You know what I won finish the story

Sana: [give Chaeyoung her award]There you go.

Lisa: Yay Chaeyoung. Whoo hoo for Chaeyoung! For picking strawberries.

Jisoo: [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Chae.

[More people start clapping]

Lisa: Woo! Hey, I haven’t gotten one yet!

Jisoo: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going.

Lisa: More BTV!

Lisa and Jisoo: [clapping] BTV! BTV! BTV! BTV!

Everybody: BTV! BTV!

Sana: [getting her spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we’ll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Hyolyn, for all the fine work she did this year.

Lisa: Fine work! Fine work Hyolyn!

Sana: You know you did.

Lisa: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in]

Hyolyn: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don’t…

[Lisa starts laughing her cute drunk laugh]

Hyolyn: So, I don’t know what to think about this award. But at least I didn’t get hickies like Chaeyoung. [starts chuckling]

Sana: And this next award is going out to our own little Lisa Manoban…

[Cut to Lisa, her face goes from drunken elation to sober realization]

Sana: …I think we all know what award Lisa is going to be getting this year.

[Cut to Jisoo’s reaction of scared expectation]

Sana: It is the “Whitest Sneakers” award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!

Sana: Get on down here! Lisa Manoban ladies and gentlemen! [Lisa grabs the microphone from her] Oh, here we go.

Lisa: I have so many people to thank for this award.

[Quick cut to Jisoo laughing and staring at Lisa with amused wonder]

Lisa: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn’t have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let’s give Sana a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Irene too.

[Irene stands up, but nobody claps]

Lisa: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this BTV.

[Quick cut to Jisoo, she doesn’t know whether to laugh or take her seriously, so she gives her an amused/appreciative grin]

Lisa: And, I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!

Sana: Lisa Manoban ladies and gentleman. [Lisa hugs Sana and gives her a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you.

Jisoo: What a great year for the BTV.

Jisoo: We got to see Ping. [Lisa nods] And we learned of Sana’s true feelings for Jeongyeon. [Lisa nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Sana change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Lisa nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Lisa, who is staring at her, nodding]

[Jisoo looks at the camera, then back at Lisa, who is still nodding]

Jisoo: What?

Lisa: Nothing.

Jisoo: Okay.

Lisa: What?

Jisoo: I don’t know, what?

[Lisa starts laughing, then suddenly falls off the bar stool]

Jisoo: Oh my God! You are so drunk!

Jisoo: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on.

Irene: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It’s okay, I’m a sheriff’s deputy.

Jisoo: She’s a volunteer.

Irene: Don’t get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-

Jisoo: Irene come on, come-

Irene: It’s okay, I’m going to use my shirt.

[Irene starts taking off her shirt, but gets stuck]

Lisa: Irene, get off me!

[A Chili’s employee comes over, Jisoo helps Lisa up, Irene is stuck in her shirt]

Employee: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat.

Irene: [struggling] Ahh! I can’t-

Sana: Was this year’s BTV a success? Well, let’s see, I made Lisa laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.

Lisa: Oh my God!

Jisoo: Whoa.

Lisa: I just want to say, that this was the best, BTV, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jisoo: Whoa.

Jisoo: Whoa, careful, careful.

Chili’s Employee: We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people’s tables. I Xeroxed her driver’s license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again.

Sana: Great work tonight.

Irene: Watch your step.

Sana: Excellent.

Irene: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn’t a concussion.

Sana: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.

Lisa: I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.

Jisoo: No you don’t.

Jisoo: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there.

Lisa: Hey, um, can I ask you a question?

Jisoo: Shoot.

[Lisa stares at Jisoo for a little while, then glances at the camera, realizes she’s on camera]

Lisa: Um, I just wanted to say thanks.

Jisoo: Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let’s get you home, you’re drunk.

[Jisoo opens the door for her]

Jisoo: Alright.

Lisa: Bye.

Jisoo: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Wendy.

 

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I_am_a_Swirl
#1
Chapter 2: So far, I am loving this.
poplarbear #2
Chapter 1: lmao re-imagine that episode with the cast replaced by the characters in this is funny