It takes a while before Hyukjae cries himself dry. His eyes are swollen and his throat feels a little scratchy. He sniffs, wiping away the stray wetness off his cheek.

"Donghae…" Hyukjae starts, his voice faltering a little. He clears his throat before he starts again. "You scared me so badly. But you're going to make it through this, right? You're so strong and you're so amazing, there's no way you won't, right?"

Of course, he doesn't get an answer, but he continues nonetheless.

"Everyone's worried about you," Hyukjae says. "You've really wormed your way into everyone's heart, did you know that? It's not just me, though I'd say I love you the most. The others will have to fight me for that title, but I don't think they come close. But even still, you've gone and done the impossible like warm Kyuhyun's cold dead heart. I really didn't think it was possible, but you did. And everyone else too, you touched all of us with your sincerity and your kindness."

Hyukjae sighs, taking another shaky breath, blinking a few times. 

"Next time something happens, try to tell me, okay? Or at least tell someone, if not me," he mutters. "You're not alone anymore, babe, there's—we'd all gladly help you."

Hyukjae runs his hand up and down Donghae's arm, avoiding the IV in the crook of his boyfriend's arm. He bites his lip before he shifts his chair back to give himself space to put his head down. He rests his cheek on Donghae's forearm, turning his head to kiss the skin there.

"I love you, babe," he mutters into Donghae's arm. He closes his eyes, continuing to gently rub his boyfriend's arm. "I love you so much. Please come back to me. Please, Donghae." 

⸺

Eventually, Hyukjae falls asleep, with his head resting on Donghae’s arm. It’s an awkward position to fall asleep in and when Hyukjae wakes up a couple of hours later, his neck is making it known to him that it’s not happy with him. Hyukjae lifts his head, grimacing at the pain in his neck. He rolls his neck a few times as he sits up. When he finally fully opens his eyes, he freezes.

There's a woman sitting across from him. Even with the signs of age—some wrinkles around her eyes and gray streaks in her hair—she's still strikingly beautiful. He can see the resemblance immediately. She's definitely Donghae's mother. 

She turns to him, offering him a gentle smile. 

Donghae's smile.

Hyukjae can feel the tears making a reappearance, much to his horror.

"Hello, I'm Donghae's mom. You must be Hyukjae," she says. Hyukjae nods, not very sure what to say. "I've heard a lot about you."

"I—uh—really?" he says. She chuckles quietly, looking over at Donghae. 

"This boy," she says, sounding simultaneously sad, fond, and exasperated. "I swear every sentence that comes out of his mouth starts with your name. Hyukjae this, Hyukjae that."

"I see," Hyukjae says, biting his lip, a few tears slipping free and sliding down his cheek. He wipes them away quickly. "That's… only good things, I hope, Mrs. Lee."

"Of course," she says. "And please, call me Hangsook."

“Hangsook then," Hyukjae agrees. He takes Donghae's hand in his once again and turns back to Donghae. It's as painful as the first time looking at his boyfriend, with all the bruises, tubes, and wires. Hyukjae swallows thickly. "I wish we could have met under better circumstances."

"Yes, I do too," she says. She blinks a few times rapidly, her hand coming up to dab at her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Hyukjae shakes his head.

"No, no," he says. There’s no shame in crying, especially since Donghae is her son. And lord knows Hyukjae has done enough crying on his own. "I can leave you alone with him?"

She sniffs and nods, so Hyukjae stands. He puts a tissue box next to her before he leaves the room.

He hasn't stepped foot outside of Donghae's room since they'd been allowed to visit, so he takes the opportunity to stretch his legs out. He's not feeling particularly hungry, but it's well past noon and he hasn't eaten in many hours. He has to take care of his own health in order to be the best he can to help Donghae. He heads down to the cafeteria to get something to eat.

He buys a lunch box and when he sits down, he realizes that he has no idea what happened to the rest of his friends. He pulls out his phone and calls Yesung.

His friend picks up in seconds.

"Hyukjae, did something happen?" Yesung says as soon as he answers, his voice slightly panicked.

"Uh, no," Hyukjae says, suddenly realizing that Yesung getting a random call from him out of nowhere might be worrying. "No, nothing happened."

"Okay," Yesung says. Hyukjae frowns, he can hear his friend shuffling around.

"Where are you?" 

"Home," Yesung says. "I called in sick."

Hyukjae nods. "Are you busy then? Can you bring me a change of clothes?"

"You're not coming back?" Yesung asks. Hyukjae takes a bite of rice, using it as an excuse to figure out his thoughts. He doesn't think he can bear the thought of leaving the hospital, lest something happen to Donghae if he leaves. The very thought makes Hyukjae's chest tight with anxiety.

"No," Hyukjae replies. Yesung sighs.

"I'll bring you some clothes in about half an hour," Yesung says. "Have you eaten at all?" 

"Yeah, I'm eating right now," Hyukjae says. 

"Good," Yesung says. "That's good. I'll find you in the cafeteria, then?"

"Yeah," Hyukjae says. "I'll see you."

He hangs up and puts his phone down. He takes his time eating, partially because his stomach is in knots and partially because he can't go back to Donghae's room anytime soon anyway. He's just about finished when Yesung appears, putting a small duffel bag onto the table.

"There's a few nights worth of clothes in there. I also packed some toiletries—go take a shower and brush your teeth before you go back," Yesung says. Hyukjae nods.

"Thank you, Yesung," he says. Yesung nudges the bag closer. 

"Is Donghae alone right now?" he asks.

"His mom is with him," Hyukjae says. Yesung's eyebrow raises.

"I see," he says and then hesitates. "Do you think she'd be okay if I went in?"

Hyukjae shrugs.

"I left her alone a while ago because she needed some time alone," he says. "But I'm sure she'd be fine with it. Just ask her."

Yesung nods.

"I'm going up then," he says. He levels Hyukjae with a stern look. "Shower."

"Yes, mother," Hyukjae drawls. Yesung nods and turns to leave. Hyukjae pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on. He slings the duffel bag over his shoulder and grabs his trash, tossing it out as he exits the cafeteria.

He makes his way up to the breakroom. When he gets there, he opens the duffel bag, pulling out a set of clean clothes as well as toiletries before heading to the showers. They're all empty, so Hyukjae takes his time scrubbing off and brushing his teeth. As he brushes, he examines himself in the mirror and grimaces at what he finds. Though he hadn't cried in a couple of hours, his eyes are still puffy with dark circles and his face is a little swollen.

What a great first impression on Donghae's mom. 

Even with the less than stellar appearance, Hyukjae does emerge from the bathroom feeling more grounded and human. Hyukjae stretches a few times, working out the final few kinks in his muscles before he packs everything away and puts the duffel bag in his locker. With everything put away, he heads back to the intensive care unit.

He gets to Donghae's room and stops when he sees Kyuhyun sitting outside. Hyukjae sits down next to him.

"Hey," Hyukjae says. Kyuhyun looks up at him and Hyukjae notes that his friend has very intensely dark circles under his eyes. 

"Hey," Kyuhyun says dully. 

"...Are you going to go in?" Hyukjae asks. Kyuhyun shakes his head, looking down at the floor.

"I want to," he says, his voice a little shaky. "But it's just, it's so hard to even look at Hae in there. And then I feel so guilty. He's one of my best friends, I love him, and yet right now I can't even be there for him."

Kyuhyun buries his face into his hands. 

"Am I ever going to be able to work in the ICU without thinking about this?" Kyuhyun mutters, unknowingly echoing Hyukjae's own worries.

"Yeah," Hyukjae murmurs. Kyuhyun sighs and straightens, pulling himself upright.

"I have a meeting with a councillor in a bit. I'll—uh—I'll come back later," Kyuhyun says. Hyukjae nods. "You should probably look into that as well, Hyukjae."

Hyukjae shakes his head looking down at his hands. 

"No, I'm okay," he says. He feels relatively fine, considering circumstances. His emotions are raw, but he's still functioning. He can keep going and he just doesn't need to, nor have the time to see someone. He has to be here, with Donghae.

"...If you say so," Kyuhyun says. "Just… think about it."

Hyukjae nods and Kyuhyun pats him on the shoulder before he leaves the ICU. With Kyuhyun gone, Hyukjae gets up and slips into Donghae's room. Donghae's mom glances over at him as he enters, offering him a kind smile as he sits down. Hyukjae doesn't think he'll ever get used to just how much that smile is the same as Donghae's. His heart aches just looking at it.

He takes Donghae's hand automatically as he settles into his seat, turning to Donghae and assessing him. His boyfriend's face looks paler than it had before, his cheeks sunken and sickly beneath the plastic holder of the ventilator. Hyukjae swallows, glancing down at his boyfriend's bruised throat.

He hopes the swelling will go down quickly. He's acutely aware that the longer Donghae spends on life support, the more difficult his recovery will be when he wakes up. And the longer Donghae spends on life support, the higher the chance of complications: pneumonia, ulcers, and muscle weakness to name a few.

All complications that would be devastating.

Hyukjae's jaw clenches and he leans back, grabbing the clipboard off the end of the bed. He hadn't been ready to read it before, but now, he flips idly through it. Most of it are things he's already aware of, but he notes with a nod that besides the blood transfusion and antibiotics, they've also put Donghae on very aggressive anti-inflammatory drugs.

He puts the chart back and glances over to see Donghae's mom looking at him.

"Donghae said you were a medical student?" she asks. Hyukjae nods and she smiles. "Such smart boys. My son will be a lawyer and my future son-in-law a doctor." 

Hyukjae's eyes widen and he ducks his head, already feeling a heat spread all across his face. He's unspeakably flattered by her statement and he would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it a lot. And it's wonderful to know that he has Donghae's mom's approval.

"I—uh—" he stutters out and Hangsook laughs. He has to give her credit for being able to dispel the tension in the room with a simple statement. Hyukjae smiles back and leans close to Donghae.

"Your mom approves of me, babe," he murmurs. "Record time. Faster than with Heechul, in any case."

"Ah, Heechul," Hangsook says, chuckling lightly. "My oldest son is a bit of a tough sell. Fiercely protective of his 'baby brother,' he is."

"Yeah…" Hyukjae says. He kisses Donghae's untouched cheek before he sits back. 

"Hyukjae?" Hangsook says after a moment of silence. Hyukjae glances over to see her looking at Donghae, her eyes sad, eyebrows downturned.

"Yes?"

"You were just talking to him… Is it true what they say? That he can hear us when we're talking?" she asks. Hyukjae bites his lip.

"He probably wouldn't be able to hear our conversation, per se," Hyukjae starts. He tightens his grip on Donghae's hand. "But many patients do recall vague memories of being spoken to. Mostly the emotion of the voice, and drawing comfort from that. So yes, I would say he can likely hear us."

"Should I… Should I talk to him, then?"

"Of course," Hyukjae assures her. "Talk about your day. Or interesting things that have happened to you. Anything you want. He'll hear it."

"Okay," she says. "I can do that."

She turns back to her son, eyes a little misty as she starts talking. As she starts telling Donghae stories from her job working as a caretaker for the elderly, Hyukjae debates whether or not he should leave. But she doesn't seem bothered by his presence, so he stays. 

He slouches, trying to get comfortable in a horribly uncomfortable chair. He manages to find a semi-comfortable position to relax in, listening to Hangsook speak. Her voice is quiet and soothing and infinitely more comforting than the hisses, clicks, and beeps of the room. 

Her stories are intriguing too, speaking of things her clients have told her of their pasts, ranging from heartbreaking stories of the Korean War to cute little anecdotes of their romantic exploits. Hyukjae listens idly, all the while keeping an eye on Donghae. Slowly, her voice combined with his own exhaustion lulls him into a tentative sleep. 

⸺

Hyukjae sleeps fitfully, vaguely aware that eventually, Donghae's mom leaves. He also wakes up just briefly when Heechul and Leeteuk come in, but only just enough to catch sight of them before drifting off again. 

He's finally woken up gently by an ICU nurse requesting he step out of the room while they check up on Donghae. Hyukjae, still a little groggy, complies. He leaves the room and wanders back to the break room to freshen up a bit.

He checks the time when he's done: it's about two in the morning. His sleep cycle is completely out of whack at this point. Hyukjae sighs, trying to roll out the crick in his neck, wincing at his stiff and sore muscles. He's slept for at least ten hours in quite possibly the awkward position possible and now he's paying the price.

He's not tired anymore, so he considers his options.

He hadn't eaten dinner, so he should probably eat something. And some fresh air would do him good. Hyukjae sighs.

He should probably leave. But he just can't bring himself to do that. Instead, he scrounges the breakroom, emerging victorious with a cup noodle, a muffin, and a bottle of water. A feast for a king, truly.

He boils some water, pours it into the cup noodles, and seals it. With his food ready, Hyukjae heads up to the roof. 

A section of the roof of the hospital had recently renovated the rooftop to include a small garden. It's a location for people to get away from the chaos of the hospital, which is exactly the kind of thing Hyukjae needs right now.

He settles onto one of the armchairs in the corner of the garden. There's a small fountain next to him, the gentle sound of water trickling filling the night. It is relaxing, Hyukjae has to give the hospital credit for that.

Hyukjae takes his time eating, using the time to try and relax at least a little bit. When he is finished he cleans up his trash, careful not to leave anything behind before he goes back inside.

He's already walking in the direction of the ICU before he even realizes it. It's been almost two hours since he'd left, so any check-up should be finished by now. He's correct because Donghae's room is empty when he returns.

"Did you miss me?" Hyukjae asks softly as he sits down next to Donghae again. "I miss you. But I guess there's not much we can do about that. I'll be here for you, though, don’t worry, babe."

Hyukjae sighs. There's a part of him that still expects a response from Donghae when he talks. But even though it's not going to happen, he still talks, because if there's even a sliver of a chance he's helping Donghae by doing so, he'll gladly continue.

"You've been nagging me to watch One Piece," Hyukjae says. "I've been putting it off because it's so long and I've been so busy, but now would be the perfect time to start, wouldn't it? I know you'd be thrilled about that."

Hyukjae pulls out his phone, finding a website to watch the anime. He's about to start when he suddenly remembers Donghae mentioning his favourite character. A quick Google search tells him the character's first appearance is in the three hundred and ninety-second episode. 

"Babe, I wanted to see if I could get to the part with your favourite character, but it seems that won't be possible," Hyukjae says. He starts the first episode anyway, turning