“Donghae,” Hyukjae repeats again, in a daze, his brain feeling like it’s suddenly clouded by a fog.

His legs feel as though it's going to give out as if he's going to fall. He stumbles but is caught by a pair of arms.

"Hyukjae, we can't be here," Yesung says, his voice tight. 

A cacophony of alarms begins sounding as Yesung finishes speaking.

"His blood pressure's crashing, he's losing too much blood too quickly. We need to get him to the OR, stat," Hyukjae hears someone say before Yesung pulls him out of the trauma room. It's the final straw and all of his emotions seem to explode out of him. 

He sinks to the floor, ripping off his mask as a sob tear its way through his throat. His breathing picks up as tears start falling down his cheeks. He moves to wipe them away but stops when he catches sight of his blood-stained fingers.

Donghae's blood.

He's going to throw up. 

Yesung seems to read his mind, because he hauls Hyukjae upright, shoving him unceremoniously to the large sink just as Hyukjae gags. Nothing really comes up, but it doesn't stop his body from violently heaving several times in succession.

Tears stream from his eyes and he squeezes his eyes shut. It's a mistake because the second he does so, his mind conjures the image of Donghae, bloody and dying in the room behind him.

He's vaguely aware that Yesung is rubbing circles on his back. 

"Hyukjae," Yesung says softly, his hand moving to Hyukjae's shoulder and shifting him so he's facing Yesung. 

"Yesung," Hyukjae chokes out. "Was that—Donghae—" 

Yesung looks away. "Yeah," he says and Hyukjae sags Yesung's grip.

"It can't be…" Hyukjae says. "I need—I need to go back, I need to help—"

"Hyukjae, you know we can’t treat friends and family,” Yesung says and Hyukjae does know that, he's just completely overwhelmed with pain and chaos. 

"I—Then what do I do?" he says, blinking rapidly to clear the tears in his eyes. Yesung squeezes his shoulders.

"Well, let's go to the break room, okay?"

Hyukjae nods, trying desperately to gain control of his tears but failing miserably, with streams of it trailing down his cheeks and down his neck. Yesung forces him to take his gloves and gown off and does so himself before he guides Hyukjae down the hall with a hand on his shoulder. Hyukjae blindly follows. When they're in the breakroom, Yesung sits him down on a sofa and holds out a box of tissues. Hyukjae can see that his friend's hands are trembling.

"Wipe your face," Yesung says. Hyukjae obeys, but it takes him a while before he cries himself out. 

When he finally does, he risks a look at Yesung, whose eyes are also bloodshot, clearly having cried as well.

"W-What if he dies," Hyukjae whispers, his voice cracking at the last word. Yesung blinks rapidly a few times before he quickly swipes at his eyes with his sleeve.

"He won't," Yesung says. 

"You don't know that," Hyukjae protests. "I—I don't think I can live without him, Yesung." 

Yesung's eyes widen a fraction before he quickly recovers, kneeling so he can pull Hyukjae into a hug. “Well right now, we're going to try and remain optimistic, okay?”

That's easier said than done, given that the last image he has of his boyfriend, his whole world, is of him lying on a cold, hard table of the trauma center, with a tube down his throat and rapidly bleeding out. Hyukjae can feel his lower lip begin to tremble again when the door slams open. Hyukjae jumps, startled by the sudden loud noise, looking up to see Kyuhyun standing at the door, eyes wide.

"Is it true? Yesung isn't just playing some cruel prank, right? Is Do—" Kyuhyun meets Hyukjae's eyes, where the answer to the man's question is written plainly on Hyukjae's face. His face falls. "No."

Hyukjae feels himself crumple, fresh tears streaming down his face once again. 

"Stay with him for a second," he hears Yesung say to Kyuhyun and the couch next to him dips as Kyuhyun sits next to him. Hyukjae wipes the tears away and turns to Kyuhyun, who is perched stiffly on the edge of the couch, lips thin and posture ramrod straight.

"Is it bad?" Kyuhyun whispers, as if he's scared saying it too loud will break Hyukjae all over again. Hyukjae swallows and nods.

Kyuhyun thankfully leaves it at that.

Hyukjae curls up on the couch and gnaws nervously at the skin around his nails, a habit he hadn't indulged in many years. He draws blood from the vigour at which he’s chewing and Hyukjae stops, the tang of iron coating his tongue. He looks down, the sight of the blood reminding him of the gloves he had taken off, the ones coated in—Hyukjae shudders, cutting that line of thought short. He quickly wipes the blood away on his pants.

He stares at the streak of red it leaves behind on the cloth. He can’t seem to look away—he scratches at it, his brain once again stuck on the thought of blood coating the floors, Donghae’s blood, and no matter how much he tries to change the direction of his thoughts, they remain stuck on it. He’s terrified that he’ll never be able to see blood again without thinking of that moment. Without thinking about the possibility of losing Donghae.

Hyukjae is snapped out of his spiral when the door of the break room opens again. Yesung walks in with Siwon in tow. Hyukjae's eyes widen when he realizes that Siwon is covered in blood, rusty red staining both his shirt and pants, some even smeared on Siwon's neck.

"Siwon," Hyukjae says and Siwon turns to him. When he meets Hyukjae’s eyes, Hyukjae inhales sharply, terrified by the emptiness in Siwon's gaze. 

"Hyukjae," he says, but his face doesn't change. With something to focus on now, someone who needs his help, Hyukjae manages to compartmentalize, forcing his own troubles aside for the moment. He gets off the couch and approaches Siwon.

"We have some scrubs here you can change into," he says. "And you can wash the b-blood off your hands." He stumbles over the word 'blood,' but powers through nonetheless. Siwon stares at him.

"Donghae, he's… he's still alive, right?" Siwon says rather than acknowledging what he had just said, looking down at his hands, which are stained red. Hyukjae's breath stutters, once again transported back to the trauma room, back to the screaming monitors, harsh lights, and Donghae—

“Yeah,” he chokes out, which isn’t a lie, but he doesn’t know if he could say that truthfully anymore. He blinks and lets out a shaky breath.

“I thought… I thought he had died in my arms, I was trying to stop the bleeding and he just went limp, I—" Siwon stops and closes his eyes. "There was so much blood." 

Hyukjae watches, his own emotions feeling once again as if it's about to tip over the edge, as everything seems to catch up to Siwon and his emotionlessness gives way to tears. Hyukjae feels a little helpless in the face of the tears, especially coming from someone who seems as unflappable as Siwon. 

"Hey," Yesung says. "Let's go to the bathroom, okay?" Yesung gently leads Siwon to the back of the room, as Hyukjae grabs a set of spare scrubs off the shelf and hands it to Siwon. Siwon blinks down at them for a few seconds before he takes them.

"Thanks," he croaks. He disappears into the bathroom, the door slamming shut and the lock audibly clicking.

Hyukjae swallows thickly. Standing as close to the bathroom door as he is, he can hear Siwon's choked sobs through the door. He looks over at Yesung, who sighs, puts a hand on Hyukjae's shoulder and pulls him back to the couches to give Siwon some privacy.

"Are you okay?" Yesung asks when Hyukjae sits down. Hyukjae gives Yesung a shaky smile.

"Shouldn't you be asking Siwon that?" he says. Yesung sighs. 

"I'm asking all of you, honestly," he says. 

"And you?" Kyuhyun says, speaking for the first time since Siwon had gotten here. "You were there too."

Yesung looks up at the ceiling and inhales deeply. He drops his head again, using his thumb and pointers to swipe at his eyes before he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah," he says. "For now. I'll process later."

Kyuhyun hums. 

"I—" Kyuhyun starts and then frowns, pulling out his phone. "It's Ryeowook."

"Put it on speaker," Yesung says. Kyuhyun nods, putting his phone on the table after answering.

"Kyuhyun," Ryeowook says as soon as they answer. "Yesung isn't answering his phone, but I got his text—" 

Yesung frowns, patting around before his eyebrows shoot up. ", my phone."

"I got his text and I'm heading over right now," Ryeowook says and Hyukjae can hear that he's out of breath.

"Come to the third-floor break room," Yesung says. "We'll catch you up then."

"O-okay," Ryeowook says. "I'll be there in about fifteen minutes."

Ryeowook hangs up and Kyuhyun pulls his phone back. As he does so, the bathroom door clicks open and Siwon emerges, dressed in the scrubs they gave him. He does look more composed, which is good.

"Hey," Siwon says as he approaches.

"Hey," Yesung says. "How are you feeling?" 

Siwon shakes his head. "As well as I could be."

Kyuhyun stands, putting a hand on Siwon's shoulder.

"You said you found him… what happened?" Yesung asks quietly and Siwon visibly shudders. He drops onto the couch, shoulders hunched and buries his head in his hands.

"I—We stayed late tonight because we had a big project. We wanted to work a little more on it before the weekend and Donghae had said Hyukjae wouldn't be home anyway, so it worked out great," he says. "Donghae had been looking at his phone a lot all night."

"And he looked a little jumpy, didn't he?" Hyukjae asks idly, thinking back to this afternoon and how shaken Donghae had looked when his phone had vibrated. And just this afternoon… just this afternoon Donghae had been fine.

He bites down on his trembling lip.

"Yeah," Siwon says. "I should have asked him what was wrong, I should have pushed him about it, I should have—I could have—" Siwon cuts himself off with a gasp.

"Siwon, breathe," Kyuhyun says softly. Siwon closes his eyes and takes a few deliberate deep breaths.

"He told me he was going downstairs and I didn't think much of it," Siwon says. "Until he didn't come back for a long time. I went looking for him and I found him in the alley beside the building c-covered in b-blood—"

Siwon stops, looking up at the ceiling, his front teeth digging into his lips. 

"Yeah," he says, his voice shaking. "Yeah, that's what happened."

"Siwon…" Kyuhyun says softly.

Siwon shakes his head and stands up. "I'll be right back," he says, exciting the room. 

"Should we go after him?" Kyuhyun asks. Hyukjae slips off the couch.

"I'll go," he says. He exits the break room and Siwon's already all the way down the hall. Hyukjae jogs to catch up.

"Siwon," he calls. Siwon turns. "Go for a walk with me? Let's go down to the cafeteria." Siwon stares at him for a few seconds before he nods.

"Okay," he says.

"Come on," Hyukjae says. "Follow me."

They walk in silence, taking the stairs down to the lobby and then to the cafeteria. It's closed, but there are a few people scattered around the large room. Hyukjae leaves Siwon to sit and gets two cups of tea from the dispenser, which is the only thing that's available at this time of night. He comes back, handing one to Siwon, who mutters a thanks.

Hyukjae settles in the chair across from Siwon.

"You—You're taking this incredibly well," Siwon says as they drink their tea. Hyukjae gives him a wan smile.

"I was a mess moments before you walked in," Hyukjae says, fiddling idly with his cup. "I, uh, I was working in the trauma room today."

Siwon frowns before realization dawns on him.

"I—" he starts and then stops. "I guess we're both just lucky, huh?" He takes a sip of tea, his hands shaking as he does.

"He's lucky you found him as quickly as you did," Hyukjae says quietly. He stares down at a stain on the table. "If he had bled any more than he had, he probably would have d-died before he got here."

"I don't—I don't want to think about that," Siwon says.

"Yeah," Hyukjae breathes. "Me neither."

"He will survive, right?" Siwon says. Hyukjae bites his lip.

"Don't ask me that," he pleads. Because the worst thing is that he doesn't know. And that kills him. Siwon falls silent after that and they just simply sit, lost in their own thoughts as they finish the tea.

"I'm going to go back upstairs," Siwon says when he finishes his tea, crumpling the empty paper cup in his fist. Hyukjae nods.

"I'm just going to stay here for a bit," Hyukjae replies. Siwon stands, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a phone, holding it out to Hyukjae.

"Here. It's Donghae's phone," Siwon says. Hyukjae blinks down at it, taking in the cracked screen and the case that Hyukjae had bought for him in Japan. He takes it, his hands shaking as he presses the power button.

The phone still works, turning on and treating Hyukjae with the sight of Donghae's lock screen wallpaper. It's a picture of them, the one they had taken at Lake Kawaguchiko. The sight of Donghae's smiling face almost causes his resolve to break all over again. It takes a second to compose himself. 

He presses his finger on the fingerprint scanner and the phone unlocks. The messages app is already open to a conversation from an unknown number. Hyukjae’s heart sinks as he scrolls through them.

The first of them is from a week back. They start off similar to the messages Donghae had initially gotten when they first returned from Japan: pushy but not overtly worrying. But as Hyukjae continues to read through them, they get more and more violent, more threatening.  Hyukjae frowns at some of the messages from earlier today:

unknown: You think your new friends really care about you?
                 That they love you?
                 Why would anyone want to love someone like you
                 Pathetic, annoy