Part Two: Donghae

Chapter Seven:

Donghae had never felt more confused in his life. And that was really saying something because he thought he was a bit of a scatterbrain to begin with, and in the days since his accident there were more than a few times when he wasn’t sure what was true and what wasn’t.

And he had led himself to this point, sitting in the back of a car that was taking him… well, somewhere that wasn’t home and wasn’t the hospital. Driven by someone who said he was Donghae’s boyfriend but wasn’t the man Donghae had believed he was falling in love with the last few days. He was frightened but didn’t know what he could possibly do. Not now. Not after what he had learned at the hospital. It felt like his life had been turned upside down so many times he no longer knew which direction he was going.

It had been so simple when he first woke up. He had been terrified and disoriented and when he felt the touch of a hand holding his own, and a smooth, calm voice telling him everything would be all right, he believed it because anything else would lead to panic.

When the same gentle voice was there again the next day, soothing him, telling him where he was and what had happened, he had wanted to know more about him. Was he a friend? He had to be. Why else would he be there comforting him, reminding Donghae of who he was. When he found out the person taking care of him was his boyfriend, he felt a burst of happiness inside. He didn’t know who he was, couldn’t remember anything he had done, but the care from this kind and gentle stranger felt so good.

There was an uncertainty though. A part of his subconscious nagged that he didn’t deserve this. That it wasn’t real. So, he attempted to be his most charming, hoping that it would convince Hyukjae, his boyfriend, that he was worth all the time and effort. Hyukjae was so nice it made all the ragged nerves inside Donghae soften. He must be beautiful. No matter what his physical features might be, Donghae was sure that anyone who could be so gentle, and kind, must be beautiful to him, and he made sure to tell Hyukjae as much.

Hyukjae was happy to tell Donghae about the things he liked. And nothing he said felt wrong. So, when Donghae blurted out how they must love each other and there was a hesitation, he almost panicked. Was it possible they had never said they loved each other? They must have said it. Donghae felt like he was the sort of person who wouldn’t hesitate to express affection when he felt it. And thankfully Hyukjae backed him up and verified that they were, indeed, in love. What a relief. He was so thrilled that he promised Hyukjae he would fall in love with him all over again if he couldn’t remember the first time.

But he really wanted to remember. Their first meeting sounded charming and sweet. The way they decided to get together was adorable. Hyukjae’s sister was fun and liked him enough to come visit even though she didn’t know him well because Hyukjae had been selfishly keeping Donghae to himself. So cute! He was so lucky. He wanted to remember everything about Hyukjae so that he could bring up those memories as proof of how grateful he was to be loved by this wonderful man.

And then he had touched him, felt those lush lips, and knew that he must have been entranced by them. Donghae sensed that some things about himself were true despite having no evidence. He felt that he really liked music, that he got satisfaction from keeping himself in shape. And he felt like he was someone who loved kissing, especially when the person he was kissing was Hyukjae. Which was proven when they did kiss, and it felt every bit as incredible as he could have imagined. Falling asleep that night he was a lot less worried about his injuries and recovery, because he was confident that he had Hyukjae in his corner to back him up.

But sleep was his enemy. He had dreams he couldn’t really remember aside from the feelings of sadness and shame. He woke up frightened and called out for Hyukjae, only to find his boyfriend’s mother at his bedside. His mother who was just as kind and nice as Hyukjae and spoke to him as if he were already a part of her family. Donghae wanted to cry from happiness. Something about having care from a mother, even someone else’s mother, filled his heart with strong emotions.

The more he talked with Hyukjae the more he believed that it was real. Why would Hyukjae lie about it anyway? Even if it was clear that Donghae hadn’t shared everything about himself before the accident, Hyukjae had plenty of memories of their time together. No one would pretend to be the boyfriend of an injured, blind, amnesiac for fun. He was worried that even love wouldn’t be enough to keep Hyukjae at his side with all the issues Donghae would have to deal with. But Hyukjae was steady with his reassurances, and it made the bad feelings go away again.

The problem was, Hyukjae couldn’t stay there every second. And when Donghae slept he had more odd dreams that left him feeling mixed up and unworthy. He woke up desperate for the reassurances Hyukjae gave, peppering him with dozens of questions. Why did Hyukjae like him? Was he worth being loved? Did Hyukjae think he was stupid? Donghae didn’t know why all those doubts were plaguing him but he remembered enough of his dream to think that maybe at some point he was involved with someone who wasn’t as kind as Hyukjae. Someone who didn’t think Donghae was good enough at anything. He hoped it was his past. But it had to be, because Hyukjae was his boyfriend now, and he had gotten very lucky to attract someone so perfect.

Curious, since he couldn’t remember when he discovered he liked men but felt deep down that it was a solid preference, he asked Hyukjae if they had ever discussed their epiphany moments. Unfortunately, he must not have spoken about it much with Hyukjae. Maybe it had never been necessary. But Hyukjae’s family seemed very accepting and apparently liked Donghae, which was a bit shocking. Donghae still wasn’t convinced that he was a likable enough person for an entire family to want him, but he trusted Hyukjae. And when his boyfriend shyly told him that they had been intimate, he was giddy with happiness and sad at the same time. He really wished he could remember something. Anything.

Donghae loved Hyukjae. The man seemed perfect. And his family was wonderful. Full of love and silly squabbling. When Hyukjae’s sister , when his brother-in-law sided with Donghae about the café visits, he felt like he was a part of something special. He nearly cried from happiness. And then soon after, his insecurities struck and he encouraged Hyukjae to go home for the night, even though it wasn’t late. Donghae didn’t want to sleep. He didn’t want to be alone. But Hyukjae stayed anyway. Which made it all better.

His third day awake was nicer for a lot of reasons. He got to hold Hyukjae. They kissed again, and it was glorious. Damn he loved kissing those soft lips. His bandages came off, and even though he still couldn’t see anything, it made his head feel so much better. And Hyukjae told him he was beautiful even with bruises. He might not have fully believed him, but Sora backed up her brother, telling Donghae he was adorable. Donghae had learned already that Sora was a straight talker, so if she said he looked all right, it must be the truth.

The one thing that could have spoiled the day was the arrival of his brother. Donghae didn’t know why, but the sound of his brother’s voice made all kinds of uneasiness rise inside him. He felt so many conflicting emotions, even as Heechul assured his little brother that he loved him and was here to take care of him. It was Hyukjae whose hand he held for support. Hyukjae’s calm words that eased his nerves and allowed him to accept his brother even though he still remembered nothing but vague feelings.

They talked about Heechul again in the morning, after Hyukjae eased away Donghae’s worries about his health. Hyuk had been spending every second here at the hospital and it was obviously taken a toll on him. Donghae decided that tonight he would be a big boy and deal with his isolation and confusion by himself. He wouldn’t tell Hyukjae right away, though, because his boyfriend would surely convince him otherwise.

Hyukjae was good at talking. He told wonderful stories about the two of them, along with funny tales of his own life. Whenever Donghae was having a crisis about his faulty memory, Hyukjae soothed it away, and listening to his voice was so calming that it was easy to ignore the twinges in his mind that kept telling him something wasn’t right. He wanted it to be right. He wanted this. Hyukjae said it was real and Donghae was going to believe it.

Inside, he kept telling himself over and over that it wasn’t a dream. And when his brother was there, he thought that it had to be real. Because a part of his messed-up mind remembered his brother. Not actual memories, but again, the strange feelings that he knew to be true. The same way he knew he liked music and working out, he knew Heechul was his brother and that he loved him. When he found out the doctor would approve Donghae leaving the hospital on the condition of 24-hour home monitoring, he almost shouted with happiness. He could spend all the time he wanted with Hyukjae! Hyukjae wouldn’t have to leave him. If he needed to sleep, he could do it with Donghae, so that the injured man would always have his presence nearby.

It gave him enough courage to insist that Yesung-hyung take Hyukjae home for the night, early, and put him to bed. Hyukjae tried to talk Donghae out of the decision but he was firm. He wanted Hyukjae well rested. There was already one of them sick, the other had to be healthy. He was lonely though, once the two men had left, even though he’d managed to obtain a delicious goodnight kiss. He was glad Hyukjae had shown him how to use the remote. Having the soft sound of the television made the looming silence of the room go away and he was able to fall asleep on his own, his headache finally down to a constant, dull pain rather than the pounding hammer from a few days ago.

The benefit of sending Hyukjae home early was that he was there before Donghae could wake up. And he was especially glad, as his dreams that night had been more vivid and real than anything else so far. He had dreamed of a man. Someone tall, looming, and threatening. There was no face in his dream, just the shadowy figure and a voice spewing words that left Donghae feeling small and defenseless. He didn’t like how that man made him feel, yet in the dream he was helpless to get away from him.

When the familiar touch, sound and feel of Hyukjae was there first thing upon his awakening, he almost cried with relief. It was only a bad dream. This was reality. It was. It had to be. He wished he could pull Hyukjae into the bed with him and wrap the slim body in his arms. Since that wasn’t happening, he thought of the next best thing. He asked Hyukjae to help him to the bathroom.

Maybe he was teasing a little bit. Wondering if Hyukjae would touch him or say something provocative. He should have realized by now that Hyukjae was being far too careful of Donghae’s injuries to initiate anything more passionate than a few kisses. But then Hyukjae said he had clothes for Donghae, and it was too good an opportunity to pass up.

He pulled on the pants he was handed and took off the hospital gown, hoping his upper body was still attractive and whatever evidence left from the accident didn’t turn Hyukjae away. It hadn’t. Donghae was able to hold him tight, pressing their bodies together and feeling the stir of desire his boyfriend aroused. He must have aroused Hyukjae, too, because his boyfriend scolded him gently, reminding him of the nurse outside the door. The same nurse who knocked only a moment later proving that Hyukjae was right.

Donghae had been shaken. He hadn’t wanted to wait to hold Hyukjae again. And when his boyfriend promised that good things come to those who wait, and affirmed that Donghae was his good thing, the love was palpable. Donghae wanted more than anything to accept it all, but the doubts were still there. And whenever he thought he was past it; the ill feelings of his dreams would tickle his subconscious. Something unpleasant had happened to him. Something connected to that shadowy figure. Without his memories he had no way to know if that person was still a part of his life, or what role he had played. Hopefully he wasn’t in a position to separate Donghae from Hyukjae.

He wished he could make Hyukjae understand how much his love meant. He wanted to say it, more than once. To tell him about his fears and beg for reassurance and promises. He wasn’t sure what held him back. Instead he tried to smile as much as possible and be so charming that Hyukjae would keep loving him.

Donghae really wished now that he would have said something. Because Hyukjae was a figment of his imagination, or a crazy person. And now Donghae was stuck in a car with someone he didn’t know at all, who said he was his boyfriend. And that someone had the same voice as the threatening figure from his dreams.

When the nurse came to tell him the good news, that he was going to be released early to home care, Donghae immediately thought his brother had come to take him. He was all smiles as he let the doctor – not Doctor Park, sadly – check him over once more and sign off on the discharge paperwork. He planned to ask his brother to wait there until Hyukjae got back. That way they could all leave together. Hyukjae could see where the apartment was and maybe even spend the night. And they would have all the time in the world together to kiss and hug and get to know each other better. Or Donghae could get to know himself, and Hyukjae.

But it wasn’t Heechul’s voice that carried across the room. It was that man. The scary man. And he was telling Donghae things that didn’t make any sense at all.

Donghae had asked who he was. The man seemed charming and polite. He had all the nurses convinced he was decent. And he said he had the legal right, as Donghae’s guardian, to take him from the hospital now that he was well enough. He promised the doctor that Donghae would be well looked after and would have a nurse on call to assist him. It all sounded wonderful. Aside from the fact that Donghae didn’t want to go with this new stranger. That was when he made his first mistake.

“I want to wait for Hyukjae to come back. So that I can tell him where I’m going.”

The man, he said his name was Chong Min Hyun, which rang no bells in Donghae’s memory, asked the nurses who Hyukjae was.

Which was when Donghae’s heart shattered for the first time.

“They share the room. Hyukjae is a patient here.”

A patient? Shared the room? It made no sense.

“No, Hyukjae is my friend,” Donghae attempted to salvage his fantasy.

“You don’t know anyone by that name,” Min Hyun told him.

“But,” Donghae persisted, “he’s been here with me every day since the accident. Not you. I don’t know you.”

“I was here after you were admitted. But unfortunately, I had another emergency to attend to. As soon as I was able to get back, I checked with your doctor and found out you were ready to come home. As your legal guardian I wanted to make sure I had everything in order so I could take care of you.”

“Hyukjae takes care of me,” Donghae murmured sadly, not wanting to accept what they were telling him.

“Donghae-a, Hyukjae isn’t in a position to take care of anyone,” the nurse said kindly, “He’s receiving treatment right now. He can’t leave the hospital.”

The nurse said more, but Donghae wasn’t listening. His mind wouldn’t process the information as it was still revolving around the one phrase. Receiving treatment. Hyukjae always disappeared at the same time every day. But treatment for what? He wanted to ask more questions, but Min Hyun insisted they needed to get going. He was calm, but firm. And his grip on Donghae’s arm as he guided him to the wheelchair that would carry him to the hospital’s exit was unrelenting.

What was real? Was anything? Was this another one of his odd dreams? That had to be it, right? This was just another dream. And there was no way to change dreams, you were stuck with them, even when they were scary and didn’t make sense. So Donghae allowed himself to be taken away and seated in a car, and that was it.

But he was frightened by Min Hyun. The man had said all the right things at the hospital. He had charmed the nurses and the doctors. In the car he reverted to a cold silence that left Donghae shivering. When the car finally came to a halt and his door was opened, he carefully climbed out and asked, “Where are we?”

“At my apartment. I couldn’t take you to yours, it’s a deathtrap.”

“Why?”

“Because you prefer to live in a mess, I suppose,” came the cool reply. “No matter how many times I’ve begged you to clean it up you never listen. But I’m responsible for you now, so I’ll let you stay here until you recover.”

Donghae nodded, unable to voice a reply. His arm was gripped again, the good one, thankfully, because the fingers that dug into his flesh would have done more damage to his injured arm. He flinched a little as Min Hyun tugged him along, not guiding him so much as forcing him into the elevator. With no idea what to expect from the place or the man beside him, he felt it was wise to keep his mouth shut.

“You won’t be able to do much, so I would suggest you stay in the guest room. The bathroom is just across the hallway. I’ll order something for dinner, and you can go rest after that.”

“When will the nurse come?”

“What nurse?” Min Hyun asked in confusion.

“You… you told the doctor and the nurses that I would have someone to take care of me.”

“Are you crazy? Do you know what kind of situation you’ve gotten yourself into? The company is on the verge of disaster. I can’t afford a private nurse. With you brain damaged and blind there’s no way you’ll be able to work. I’ve had to take over running everything, but I don’t have the authority to make big decisions without your approval. In a day or two we’ll have a meeting with the lawyers, and you’ll have to sign over temporary provisional authority to me so that I can try and keep you from going bankrupt.”

“What company?” Donghae asked meekly.

“What…? For s sake! This is what I mean! You can’t even remember your own company! Not that you did a very good job of running it before or we wouldn’t be in this mess now. You never wanted to listen to me, always had to do things your own way. And this is where it got you,” Min Hyun scoffed at him, scolding him like a disobedient child.

“I… I could explain. About the accident. Maybe…”

“Explain what? That you were out in the middle of the night and were so tired you got in an accident? All because, once again, you didn’t listen to me? You don’t even remember what happened that night, do you?”

“No,” Donghae admitted, ready to cry.

“,” the other man uttered with disgust. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with you. You’re no good to anyone in this condition. Just eat and sleep, all right? I’ll handle everything else for now. Are you capable of that much?”

“Yes,” he answered, barely a whisper, completely intimidated now and feeling like dirt.

His dreams hadn’t been wrong after all. It had been Hyukjae that was the dream. Hyukjae, who wasn’t even real. Had he imagined everything at the hospital? Were the interactions he’d had with his apparent roommate something his confused mind had made up? Had he overheard his roommate with his family and created a fantasy for himself where he was a part of it?

Perhaps he had dreamed it all. Crafted the entire scenario as wish fulfillment, knowing deep down that he really was worthless and didn’t deserve any of it.

Tears started falling down his cheeks, prompting another huff of annoyance from Min Hyun. With a grunt, the man spun him around and force-walked him across the room, pushing him a little so that he fell onto a sofa. “If you’re going to cry about it, then sit down and stay out of my sight. I don’t have the time or the patience to deal with your victim act right now. When the food gets here, I’ll bring you to the table, but for now just stay out of my way.”

He did as he was told, trying to be quiet and small. Curling up on the sofa and burying his face in his hands to muffle the sniffles and sobs that he couldn’t contain. From a distance he heard the murmured sound of Min Hyun’s voice as he spoke with someone on the phone.

Donghae didn’t understand. Min Hyun was his boyfriend, but he didn’t seem to like Donghae at all. He must be a terrible person to cause so much disgust and frustration to the other man. All the self-doubt he had tried to ignore came roaring back with the persistent affirmation of his uselessness. He had a company that he managed poorly. A home that was a disaster. He couldn’t take care of himself and refused to take advice.

He was a burden for Min Hyun, and the other man resented him for it, that much was clear. And yet he was still trying to save Donghae’s floundering company for him. For them. No wonder he had created such a pretty fantasy with Hyukjae. Someone who didn’t know what an incompetent person Donghae was and believed the best of him. Donghae could be anyone with Hyukjae. As the time bled together, he even started to wonder if it was he who had made up all those wonderful stories he thought Hyukjae had told him. Had he, in his confused and injured state, projected all the things he wished he were and would never be into a fairy tale romance with a total stranger?

But then what about Heechul? He couldn’t have manifested his brother as well, could he? A spark of excitement went through him. If Min Hyun didn’t want to deal with him, he could still go to Heechul!

Waiting until he was brought to the table to eat, Donghae cautiously asked, “What about my brother? If it’s too much trouble for you I’m sure he could take over caring for me.”

“Your brother?” Min Hyun laughed derisively. “Your brother can barely take care of himself. He’s one step above a cheap and the only thing he truly cares about is money. If you think he wouldn’t drop you in a hot second if something better came along, you’re truly delusional. The only thing the two of you have done as long as I’ve known you is argued about how he’s wasting his life. Christ, Donghae, can’t you remember anything?”

“But…” he hesitated, not wanting to make Min Hyun angrier, “he was really sweet at the hospital.”

“Heechul visited you at the hospital?” The words came out cautious, wary, and Donghae wasn’t sure if he should answer.

“Yes.”

“Then it’s a good thing I took you out of there when I did. Before he could stick his claws into you for more. You know he wants money, right? That’s the only reason he would offer to do anything for you.”

“He’s my brother, though. He said he loved me.”

“I’m sure he would say anything if he thought you didn’t remember the truth. You’ve always given everyone the benefit of the doubt, even when they stab you in the back. That’s exactly why he would have taken advantage of you again. Donghae, listen, there’s only one person here who’s trying to help you, and that’s me. I’m not happy about any of this, and the way you were treating me before the accident really hurt my feelings. But I want to help you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. So just let me do what I can to offset the damage you’ve done, all right?”

“Okay,” Donghae whimpered, truly hating himself in that moment.

“Now eat something, will you? I don’t want you to starve to death.”

“But I can’t…” He wanted to ask for help but felt that it would anger Min Hyun.

“It’s just japchae. I know it’s not fancy, but you like it, so eat it before it gets cold.”

Hearing the sound of the other man’s utensils, Donghae gingerly felt around in front of him, locating a plate and then some chopsticks. He wasn’t sure how this would work. Hyukjae had been feeding him at the hospital, or at least making sure he wasn’t making a mess of things. But Donghae sensed that Min Hyun wouldn’t take a request for help kindly and didn’t want to do anything that might increase the tension between them. He did manage to get some food in his mouth, though he surely was making a mess of the table and himself. He didn’t have much of an appetite anyway, the dull ache of shame and guilt in his stomach crowding out any hunger he may have been feeling.

Min Hyun didn’t like it. Halfway through the meal, he complained, “Just watching you is making me lose my appetite.”

And that comment surely killed the remainder of Donghae’s own.

“I’m sorry. It’s hard because I can’t see yet.”

“Well, you’re a mess. Can you remember the way to the bathroom, or do I have to show you again?”

“Could you?” Donghae asked submissively, “Please?”

“Fine, come with me. After you wash up go to bed. The doctor said you need to get a lot of rest. I’m not convinced anything will help at this point, but it’s worth a shot. Hopefully you’ll get some of your wits back, not that you had many to begin with.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologized again, something he sensed he would be doing a lot of.

He was docile as he was led to the bathroom, and perhaps his meek manner soothed Min Hyun’s frustration a little, because the other man helped him clean up before directing him to the guest room. He sat Donghae down on the bed and stood before him, his presence so overwhelming that Donghae could practically feel the air vibrating around him.

“Listen, Donghae. Our relationship hasn’t always been easy for me. I gave up a lot to be with you and dealing with the backlash from my family and friends because of my male partner has left me a bit vulnerable. I know in the beginning I didn’t want to take that risk, but I cared about you too much to walk away. When you needed help with the company, I was happy to be there for you. That’s what partners are supposed to do, help each other. But it has to go both ways. I know you can’t remember the things you said to me before the accident, but I do. And it’s not something I can brush away easily.”

“What did I say?”

“It wasn’t just what you said. It was the fact that you didn’t trust me. You wouldn’t listen to me. And because of that you got into this accident and… well, I just don’t know how we’re going to cope. I’d like to start over, but you have to stop being stubborn, and the first step is for you to sign those papers for the lawyers so I can take action to save the company.”

“What will you do?”

“I… I don’t want to try and explain it all now, not when you don’t even remember the basics. You’re tired and probably confused. Just trust me when I tell you I’m doing this for your own good.”

It didn’t feel good. None of this did. But Donghae was too exhausted to fight with his own thoughts anymore.

“I guess you’re right.”

“Oh?”

“I’m really tired. Maybe we can talk tomorrow?”

“I have meetings most of the day, but we’ll work something out.”

“What will I do?”

“Just rest, Donghae. Okay? Rest and try to get better.”

“But I…”

“Didn’t you say you were going to start listening to me?”

“Well—”

“Go to sleep. We can talk when you’re not so tired.”

“Okay,” he agreed reluctantly, not sure what time it was.

“Goodnight then,” Min Hyun said, leaving the room without touching him even once.

Donghae’s heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces that were now stabbing him like little needles. He was a horrible person. He had to be. He had argued with his brother, argued with his boyfriend, obviously said hurtful things to him, all while Min Hyun was trying to help him save his failing company that he wasn’t competent enough to run on his own.

It was a miracle the man wanted anything to do with him. But he still cared enough to try to help. So why did everything about this feel so awful? Because he had made up a perfect fantasy world with someone else where he was a good guy? Because in his amnesiac state he had basically cheated on his boyfriend, the one he refused to trust? And Min Hyuk didn’t even know the extent to which he and Hyukjae’s fake romance had gone. He didn’t know Donghae had kissed someone else, felt desire for them, told them he loved them. He really was the worst kind of person.

Feeling around for the blankets and pillows, Donghae curled up in a ball and cried himself to sleep.