Chapter Four:

Luckily for Hyukjae, his roommate was still asleep when he returned from dialysis and he was able to lie down on his own bed for a little while. Not long enough, because when he heard Donghae hesitantly call his name, it was a chore to drag himself upright again.

“I’m here,” he replied. “Hang on a sec.”

Stiffly, battling the usual nausea and pain, he shuffled over and sat down next to his temporary boyfriend, taking his hand, as had become their habit.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“How are you feeling? Any better?”

“Mmm…” Donghae seemed very subdued, but Hyukjae couldn’t read enough of his expression from just his mouth and nose to guess at why. “Okay.”

“Are you sure? It seems like something is bothering you. Is your head hurting more?”

“No…” the word was sighed out slowly and Hyuk felt Donghae’s grip tighten. “Hyukjae? Why do you like me?”

“Why? Lots of reasons,” he said easily, as it wasn’t a lie. “Why are you asking?”

“Can you tell me?”

“Tell you why I like you?”

“Yes. Please?”

“If I do, will you tell me why you’re suddenly asking?”

“I will,” Donghae promised.

“Okay. Well, for starters, you’re really cute. And not just because you’re good-looking, but you have a really sweet personality. It’s always fun being with you. I feel happy when I’m around you, and I think it’s because you’re someone who likes to make other people happy. But I want you to be happy, too. When I see you smile it makes me want to smile. Does that make sense?”

“Do I ever annoy you? Like when I ask so many questions?”

“Never. People ask questions because they want to know things. Why would that be annoying? Besides, you kind of have to ask a lot of questions at the moment. It’s perfectly understandable.”

“Am I stupid?”

“Donghae… why would you even ask that?”

“Please answer me?” the other man pleaded.

“No, I don’t think you’re stupid at all. Why?”

“I… I don’t know. I had a weird dream and maybe it was about my accident. I felt like I had done something really stupid. Are you sure the accident wasn’t my fault?”

“I’m sure,” Hyukjae sat up a bit and leaned over to kiss Donghae’s cheek. “Please don’t worry about things like that.”

“Hyuk?”

“Yes?”

“Are we the same age?”

Ha! Hyukjae complimented himself, as he had just asked the duty nurse that question earlier. “We are. I’m a few months older though.”

“How old?”

“Thirty-one. You just had your birthday a few weeks ago. Mine was in April. Oh, and it’s November now, in case you were wondering.”

“Thirty-one?” Donghae whined, “But that’s so much I have to remember! What if I can’t remember my childhood?”

“I’m sure your brother will help you when he gets here,” Hyuk replied a bit nervously.

Donghae pouted, clearly distressed, so Hyuk squeezed his hand again and asked, “Should I tell you what we did for your birthday?”

Biting his lip, Donghae nodded a little. Luckily Hyukjae had been able to stay awake during his therapy today and he’d spent the time scrolling much farther back on Donghae’s Instagram, looking at all the pictures, even the ones from years ago.

“You had been talking about going somewhere, but we hadn’t been able to plan an overseas trip because of our work schedules. I knew you liked camping, but I’ve never been overly fond of roughing it in nature. My mom found a place that catered to spoiled, pampered babies like me, providing a nice tent with a bed and all the other trappings of civilization I didn’t want to live without,” Hyukjae laughed, remembering a trip he’d reluctantly taken with his father a few years ago to a place just as he was describing. “Anyway, we were only able to go for a weekend, but I surprised you with that. I had a cake and everything.”

The other man’s lower face was scrunched up, lips pressed together and there was a sniffle as Hyukjae realized he might be crying.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

“It just sounds so romantic, Hyukjae,” Donghae’s voice cracked as he spoke, clearly overwhelmed by emotion. “I really wish I could remember it.”

“Oh, baby, it’s fine, don’t let it upset you. It was a happy time. We had so much fun and you took lots of pictures. You laughed so much at me because I kept complaining about everything,” Hyukjae chuckled, knowing it would be true if it ever happened for real.

“I know. You keep telling me it’s fine, but I feel so awful.”

“Please don’t. Remember what I said? I’ll still love you, even if you have to fall in love with me all over again.”

“Not like that would be hard to do,” Donghae gave him a tiny smile.

“Yeah?”

“You’re like a dream come true, Hyukjae. You’re so patient and caring. I really would be stupid if I didn’t fall in love with you again.”

“Exactly,” he managed to utter through the pain. Oh, how he wished it were true. Before he could say anything else, his phone chimed, and he grabbed it from his sweatshirt pocket.

“Was that your phone?”

“It’s Sora. She says she and Hyung are coming by with dinner. She wants to know what we have a taste for. Any suggestions?”

“Really?” Donghae seemed both surprised and touched by the offer. “I… I don’t care. What would you like?”

“Oh, if you ask me, you’ll always get the same answer. Ramen.”

“Ramen sounds good,” Donghae replied. “I think I like that.”

“Then ramen it is. There’s a great place right by the agency, so she can pick it up on the way here and it will still be hot.” Hyukjae texted his answer back to his sister and received an eye-roll emoji as a reply.

“I’m sorry if I’m being emotional,” Donghae apologized softly.

“You have every right to be emotional. I know this must be hard for you. But you have people here that care about you, right? So, don’t worry too much.”

“Thank you, Hyuk,” Donghae smiled.

They let the silence linger for a few minutes and then Donghae asked, “Hyukjae? Could you have the nurse come and help me for a minute? I need to use the bathroom again.”

“Absolutely. I’ll call her in.”

While the nurse helped Donghae take care of his business, Hyukjae used the opportunity to do the same, grabbing some fresh clothes and changing into them in the bathroom since Donghae couldn’t use it, still confined to his bed. It had to be so embarrassing for the other man to need the assistance of a nurse to piss. Hyukjae wondered how long it would be before they let him get up and use the toilet, even if it was with help. Maybe then he could offer to aid Donghae. It wouldn’t be as awkward, even if there was a chance of seeing him . Yeah, on second thought, maybe it wasn’t the best idea. They hadn’t even mentioned the fact that as boyfriends they would have probably been physical. Hyukjae wasn’t sure what he would be able to say about that.

Oddly enough, Donghae must have been having similar thoughts, because when they were alone again, his first question was, “Hyukjae? How did you know you liked men?”

“Um… well, for me it was more of a ‘why don’t I like girls’ moment. I tried dating a few girls in high school, but I never felt anything ual when we were together. I wondered for a time if there was something wrong with me. But then one day I was ing and thinking about a hot guy my sister was friends with,” Hyukjae laughed out loud. “Let me tell you how embarrassing that was when I had to see him again face to face!”

“Was your family upset?”

“Not really. My mom said she already knew I was the real princess of the family. I’m a bit spoiled, to be honest, but my family is cool. We love each other as we are, and they’ve always been supportive of my relationships.”

“Do you think they like me?”

“I think they adore you. And they’ll like you even more when they know you better. Be prepared because you’ll be adopted into the family if you stick with me long enough.”

The smile that emerged was hesitant, as if Donghae wasn’t sure about the idea or perhaps was worried about his own family.

“I wonder when I knew. I mean, I’m 31 years old, I probably figured it out a while ago.”

“We never really talked about it before,” Hyukjae hedged, not knowing what to say.

“Did I ever mention if I had dated women? Or was it just men?”

“I think you tried it both ways,” Hyukjae offered, figuring it was probably true, even if the trials had been a long time ago. Most gay men he knew had at least attempted dating a woman before accepting their preference. Some still hadn’t accepted, going back and forth between the two as if hoping it would make some difference. Being gay in their society wasn’t the easiest way to live and many people still felt obligated to hide it. Hyukjae’s previous roommate was a good example of why.

“I wonder what my family thought. Or if I told them.”

“We… we didn’t really talk about it, Donghae, I’m sorry I can’t answer. You didn’t really mention your family to me very much. And to be honest, we were a bit too focused on each other to get into those kinds of discussions.”

“So, we were happy?”

“I was. I am. Being your boyfriend is a wonderful dream for me.”

“Really?” Donghae smiled now, the good smile, all his teeth showing. “Was I? Did I seem happy?”

“You seemed really happy when we were together. I hope you were.”

“Did we… I mean…” He couldn’t seem to get the words out, but Hyukjae was certain he knew what the other man wanted to ask.

“Are you asking if the was good?”

“Yes?” Donghae whispered shyly.

Hyukjae closed his eyes for a moment, imagining the firm, muscled body under him, or over him, either one would be fine. “Yes, the was good.”

“Oh,” Donghae bit his lip, his cheeks starting to turn pink.

“Just get better and maybe I can remind you of that, too,” Hyuk teased wildly, wondering if there would ever be a chance, and if so, whether he could live up to the offer. He didn’t know if he was physically strong enough for anymore. But if Donghae wanted to do the hard work, he was more than willing to lie there and take it.

Damn. Now he was aroused. .

“Hyuk?”

“Yes?”

“You got really quiet.”

“Well, you steered the conversation into some dangerous territory.”

“Are you…?”

“A little bit, yeah.”

“I really want to get better,” Donghae told him earnestly. “For a lot of reasons. But mostly, I just want to see you again.”

“You will,” Hyukjae reached up and his cheek. So soft, even with the meager bit of stubble the other man had managed to grow in the days he’d been at the hospital.

“We’re here!” Sora’s voice rang across the room.

Glancing to the doorway, he saw his sister with a bright smile, followed by a curious Yesung, burdened by multiple takeout bags.

“Hi Sora-noona,” Donghae called out happily.

“Donghae, sweetie, how are you?” She winked at Hyuk and then stepped around to the other side of Donghae’s bed and leaned over to kiss the top of his head. “I brought my husband with me this time. Sungie! Say hello to Donghae so he can hear your voice.”

“Hello Donghae-a,” Yesung’s deep velvety voice carried through the air. “I know you can’t remember me, but I hope that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

“I’d like that,” Donghae answered, once again shy. “Noona told me you like coffee shops, too. I hope when I get better, we can go hang out sometime.”

“That would be lovely, Donghae. Your boyfriend always complains every time I ask him out. It’s nice to know someone can appreciate a good coffee shop. There’s something so calming about sitting there in the window sipping on a warm drink and watching people walk by.”

Hyukjae let out a sigh. It was starting already. But at least Yesung was playing along.

“That sounds amazing!” Donghae nearly shouted. “Can we, please? I can take pictures, too. Hyukjae told me I love to take pictures at coffee shops.”

“I do that, too,” Yesung said with enthusiasm.

“Listen you two…” Sora started scolding, though there was a smile on her face. “Donghae, honey, you’re really cute, but Sungie’s a taken man. Don’t encourage him. He already has enough pictures to fill a hundred hard drives. Hyuk, we may have to limit them to one coffee date a month.”

“I can live with that,” Hyukjae agreed, squeezing Donghae’s hand.

“You guys can come alone,” Donghae offered generously.

“Donghae, you really don’t know what you’re saying,” Yesung interjected, “Hyukjae would whine the entire time and Sora would nag.”

“I do NOT nag,” she protested.

“You really kind of do,” Hyukjae refuted her claim.

“Well you’re no better! Donghae, you should have seen how Hyuk acted when Yesung and I first started dating. He was such a brat! I honestly thought he might scare off my boyfriend.”

“I was worried about you, okay? All I knew was that some creepy stalker had followed you home from a trip and wouldn’t stop sending you flowers.”

“You were just jealous of my hot boyfriend.”

“Ew, no,” Hyukjae scoffed. “No offense, Hyung, but you are totally not my type.”

“None taken. You aren’t mine, either.”

Donghae, who had been shifting his head from side to side trying to follow the rapid banter, suddenly burst out laughing. “You’re all so funny. I’m so happy you’re here.”

“Oh! We brought a ton of food!” Sora announced. “I told the nurse they didn’t need to bring dinner, but let’s break it out and have something. I’m starving.”

Dinner went well. Hyukjae assisted Donghae as usual, though he took the time to eat some himself. Even without his sister’s encouragement, he wasn’t about to pass up on ramen when he had the chance. Compared to the hospital food it was a bit of heaven.

And he really had to hand it to his sister and brother-in-law. If Hyukjae hadn’t known the truth he would have assumed that they knew Donghae. That he really was Hyukjae’s injured boyfriend. They told funny stories, answered all Donghae’s questions – he didn’t ask anything about himself thankfully – with kindness and patience, and teased Hyukjae until he was on the verge of snapping. Yesung in particular treated Donghae with a gentleness that Hyukjae found impressive. His feelings for his sister’s husband had grown very fond over the years, but he had never realized what a downright caring soul he could be. No wonder Sora loved him so much.

Both were really going above and beyond helping Hyukjae with his crazy scheme, but by the time they were saying goodnight, he realized that they genuinely liked Donghae. Which made Hyuk feel better about what he was doing. Because it wasn’t only him thinking the man was nice, but his family as well. Donghae was cute and funny, even as he started to get tired and didn’t speak as often. He seemed delighted to have so many people at his bedside for the sole purpose of making him feel better.

“Hyukjae?” Donghae said quietly as the others were heading out. “You can leave too if you want. You should go with them.”

“Why? Visiting hours are still going. I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”

“But you should rest, too. You don’t have to spend every minute with me.”

“Do you want me to go? If you need some time alone, I understand.”

“No! I don’t want you to go,” Donghae grabbed his hand tighter. “But I’ll be okay if you want to.”

“I don’t want to,” he gave Donghae a quick kiss on the hand. “I’d rather stay with you.”

“Thanks, Hyuk,” the smile was worth every aching joint and muscle.

“You don’t have to keep thanking me.”

“I know, I just… I feel like you must have more important things to do.”

“You’re the most important thing for me,” Hyukjae told him firmly. “Please don’t ever think otherwise. I want to be here for you.”

“Okay,” the other man finally relaxed and smiled again, though it was obvious he was getting drowsy. “I really like your family. They’re nice just like you.”

“Nice? Did you not hear them teasing me non-stop?”

“They love you a lot.”

“Well, yeah, they do. I love them right back.”

“It was really nice of them to come and see me. And your mom, too.”

Hyukjae knew they probably would have come anyway, as they usually did, but letting Donghae think they had come for his benefit alone cost Hyukjae nothing. “Well, they love me, and I love you, so of course they would be here.”

“I’m glad,” he said, and yawned so hard that he winced. “Ow.”

“You okay?”

“My head. I forget that there are things I shouldn’t do right now.”

“Well, how about trying to sleep. The nurse should be in soon. They’ll probably give you another sedative so you can sleep through the night.”

“I don’t like that.”

“Why?”

“It’s confusing.”

“Sleeping?”

“Waking up again. At least until you’re with me.”

“Oh, Donghae… I’m so sorry for all this pain and confusion. I really want you to feel better.”

“Me too.”

The nurse did appear a few minutes later and injected the sedative into Donghae’s IV bag. As tired as the man already was, it wasn’t surprising when the drug kicked in fast.

“Hyuk?” he murmured, slurring the word.

“Yes? I’m still here.”

“Can you kiss me goodnight and tell me you love me?” Donghae asked in an innocent, yearning tone.

“Of course,” he answered, wanting to cry from a mixture of joy and guilt.

He pressed their lips together, delighted when Donghae attempted to kiss him back. “Sleep well, Hae. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he mumbled and before Hyukjae’s tears had a chance to do more than well up in his eyes, the man lying in the bed was asleep.

It took Hyukjae a few tries to stand up, and he was worried as he staggered back to his own bed. Once he hit the sheets, he was asleep just as quickly as Donghae.

Morning was pure misery for Hyukjae, and normally he would have stayed curled up in his bed wallowing in pain. His family members had all texted that they were tied up and couldn’t come until later. His mother’s back was bothering her. She had hurt herself a few years ago, which was the reason it wasn’t as easy for her to travel now, and she was going to rest at home until she had to go into the office. He sent her his best wishes, making sure she knew it was perfectly fine and that she should take care of herself and not worry about him.

Sora promised to come again in the evening and bring him something strawberry. His father was currently in France and had sent some kind words and a few pictures while he was asleep. He replied to everyone and prepared himself for Donghae’s awakening.

Doctor Park came in for morning rounds, and by then both patients had eaten their breakfast and were chatting about random things. Donghae had a moment of confusion in the morning, questioning Hyukjae once again about their relationship and why Hyukjae was so willing to be with him. He brushed it off, remembering how Donghae had said that he felt mixed up when he woke due to the combination of blindness and amnesia. By the time the doctor came they were both laughing and smiling as Hyukjae told silly stories about his own life and made up things about Donghae and their romance.

“So, Donghae, I like to see that smile. Does that mean your pain level has gone down?”

“A bit,” Donghae answered honestly. “It doesn’t feel like my head will explode anymore. For a while I felt like the bandages were the only thing keeping my skull intact.”

“Well, it certainly wasn’t that bad,” Doctor Park laughed. “But we’ll change the dressings again later and have a look. I’d like to test your eyes anyway, to see if there’s improvement.”

“Do you think I can see again?” the younger man was so hopeful that Hyukjae turned to the doctor as well, his face asking the same question.

“At this stage we’re hoping for any sign that your vision is coming back. Even if you can see some differences between light and darkness, that will be a good step. It may take some time for you to be able to differentiate more than that.”

“Oh,” Donghae’s lips turned into a pout.

“Don’t be discouraged. There’s no quick fix for this type of injury. But the fact that you’re responding this well gives me hope that in proper time you should make a complete recovery.”

“Even my memories?”

“That should come in time as well.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

When the doctor had left Donghae appeared a little uncertain. Hyukjae questioned him again about what might be wrong, but the other man brushed off the concern. “I’m just worried, I guess.”

“Well, what can we do to take your mind off things?”

“Would a hug be too much to ask for?” came the shy reply.

“A hug?” Hyukjae stared at the narrow bed and all Donghae’s monitor wires and IV tube. “It might be a bit awkward, but I’ll see what I can do.”

“Okay,” Donghae answered a little breathlessly.

“Just… don’t move. There’s a bunch of wires attached to you and I don’t want to accidentally detach something and have your monitor alarm go off and a bunch of nurses come in here just to find us in bed together.”

The other man’s mouth dropped open comically, and then he gave a hearty laugh. “I won’t move.”

Hyukjae put down the bed rail and carefully sat on the edge of the mattress. He placed one hand on the bed to either side of Donghae’s shoulders, praying that his physical strength wouldn’t choose the wrong moment to falter, causing him to fall on the man. Then he slowly bent down until he was touching Donghae’s chest with his own, sliding his hands under the man’s shoulders and giving him a gentle squeeze.

He felt Donghae’s arms moving against his sides, then around his back, and the younger man let out a heavy sigh, his chin tilting in search of Hyukjae.

Now sure if the other man was asking for a cuddle or a kiss, he chose the former, turning his face away and touching their heads together gently, mindful of the bandages.

“This feels good,” Donghae breathed out.

“Am I hurting you?”

“I really wanted to hug you.”

“If it’s too much, just—”

“I’m fine.”

They lay there for a few minutes, Donghae’s hold tight around Hyuk’s back. But eventually Hyuk felt his arms beginning to tremble and knew he would have to get up before it was impossible.

“Hae, I’m really happy to be holding you, but this position is getting really painful.”

“I’m sorry,” his arms released immediately, falling back to the bed.

“No,” Hyuk moved his hands again, pushing up off his elbows until he could see the tight expression on the other’s mouth. “Don’t be sorry. I’m just twisted a bit weird.”

“Hyukjae?”

“Yes, Hae?”

“Are you sure you still want to be my boyfriend? Even with all this?”

“Why do you keep asking me?” Hyukjae whined, his guilt making the compassion even more painful. “You know I do.”

Donghae was breathing with a steady tightness that made it seem like he was going to cry. When his lips pressed together and he sniffed suspiciously, Hyukjae knew he was correct.

“Hey,” he soothed, leaning over to place a soft kiss against his mouth. “Please don’t cry. Are you crying?”

“I really like you. I don’t want you to leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere!” Hyukjae protested. “I’m right here. Don’t be upset, okay?”

“This… it doesn’t feel real sometimes.”

“What?” Hyukjae asked, a sense of panic inside.

“Without my memories, just these random… I don’t know, just weird, disconnected senses of things, sometimes it all feels like a crazy dream, and…”

“Donghae…” Hyukjae reached up to his cheek, wondering if he should stop this now. If it was all too much and was causing the man more confusion and perhaps even preventing him from remembering his real life. “I’m not sure what to say.”

“I’m scared, Hyuk. I want this to be real.”

“It’s real,” Hyukjae stated decisively, even though he felt anything but. “I’m real.”

Taking Donghae’s hand, he placed it against his own chest. “See? This is me, right here.”

Unable to speak, his mouth once again pinched together too tight for words to escape, Donghae simply lay there, breathing rhythmically, as if he were attempting to calm himself, all the while letting his hand remain in place. It took a moment for Hyukjae to realize that Donghae was timing it, so they were breathing in tandem. His head nodded, ever so slightly.

The temptation to comfort him and provide even more evidence that he was a living, breathing human was inescapable, Hyukjae dipped his body, pressing his chest against Donghae’s hand, until he could reach those thin lips and press his own against them once more.

Letting out a whimper, Donghae kissed back, his left hand rising, fingers curling around Hyukjae’s arm as their mouths explored each other. It didn’t last long, and wasn’t necessarily ual in nature, but there was definitely some tongue involved, and a great deal of passion. When Hyukjae finally pulled back, he was aroused and heated, and Donghae had a dreamy, almost disoriented expression.

“I really like kissing you,” the injured man murmured.

“I like it more,” Hyuk teased, easing back until he could sit upright, then lifting his hand to softly wipe his thumb against Donghae’s mouth, removing the small trace of saliva that remained on his lip. “Once they get rid of all these wires and things, maybe I will join you in the bed.”

“I can’t wait,” Donghae smiled.

“As much as I like being close to you, though, I think I’m going to sit back down in the chair for a while if that’s all right.”

“It’s all right.”

“So, now that I got you to smile again, how can I make sure to keep you smiling for the next few hours?”

“Do you have to leave again today?” Donghae asked hopefully.

“Just for a couple hours, yeah. But I’ll be back. And Sora said she would stop by later as well. Would you like that? I can ask her to bring you something if you like.”

“I don’t know what I like enough to ask for something.”

“Well, I can just tell her to surprise you. Maybe an iced coffee or something. I’m sure a little coffee wouldn’t hurt you.”

“You would know better than I would. But that sounds nice.”

“Perfect. I’ll let her know. So, what should we do now?”

“Can you tell me about some of the places you’ve traveled? Or maybe where we thought about going together?”

“I’d love to,” Hyukjae sagged with relief. This would be easy. He had hundreds of fun stories about traveling and it wouldn’t be a difficult task to come up with some romantic destinations for lovers that they could have considered together.

And it worked out well. When Nurse Kim came to retrieve him, pointing to the wheelchair in the doorway, she mentioned to Donghae that the doctor would be in soon to check on him and change his dressings.

“You should try to nap afterward,” Hyuk told him. “And I’ll wake you when I get back, all right?”

“Okay. Be safe.”

“I will. You’ll be all right?”

“Yes, Hyukjae. I know you’ll come back.”

“Promise,” he uttered, giving Donghae one more squeeze of the hand before shuffling over to the door.

Once outside the room, he sank into the wheelchair gratefully, tilting his head back and closing his eyes as the nurse pushed him toward the elevator that would take him down to his dialysis room.

“Things between you two seem to be getting close,” she said thoughtfully.

“I really like him,” Hyukjae admitted. “It’s a lot of fun talking to him.”

“I’m glad, Hyukjae. Having a new friend in here is good for you. You’ve been a lot more active since he came.”

“I’m tired, though.”

“Still, even if you’re only sitting up and out of bed, the activity is good for you in your condition. Just don’t overdo it.”

“I’ll try not to,” he laughed. “But he does keep me on my toes.”

She laughed, which was the reaction he’d hoped for, and didn’t say much else during the remainder of their walk.

He was planning to sleep during his treatment, but before he did, he found a picture from Donghae’s Instagram and sent it to his sister with the message, “Not sure what coffee this is, but can you ask Hyung and bring one for Donghae?”

Then he closed his eyes and tried to relax, wanting to regain some energy despite the toll his treatment was about to take, so that he could entertain Donghae again that evening.