"Joohyun. Joohyun talk to me!" Seungwan pleads.

Joohyun rounds on Seungwan with fiery eyes, "About what? What do you want me to say?"

"Anything, just, help me understand!" Seungwan takes a few shaky breaths, "you're my best friend."

Joohyuns' expression relaxes. "You are suffocating. You cling to me like a baby. I can't ever breathe! God forbid I do anything on my own. Do you know how guilty I feel for lying to you all the time? I can't take it anymore. I can't stand being around you! My life is better without you in it." Joohyun, even from her place across the yard, looms over Seungwan.

"O-o-oh," is all Seungwan can get out. She feels numb. Her friend, her best friend, who has defended her and been through the worst by her side, hates her. Loathes, maybe even resents, her. It's like a hole has opened up beneath her, and she feels like she is falling in. She can't even think properly. "I-I- I s-see." Seungwan steps back. Her legs feel like jello. She turns and walks away, her pace picking up with every step she takes until she is running.

Seungwan doesn't know where she is running to. It was all a blind panic when she started moving. Now, the world around her is a blur of muted colors and looming shapes that would put Picasso to shame. It's topsy turvy, but she can make out the dark shape of the school and the scuffed blacktop.

She makes it to her room on shaky legs that give out the second her door is shut. Her parents are out, her brother either asleep or willingly uninterested in her return. She looks around her room. It feels distant. Like reality has shifted, and time no longer exists, "I don't get it," she chokes out. Tears well up in her eyes and trail down her cheeks. "What did I do?" She crawls further into her room to collapse on the carpeted floor. "Why always me?" She sobs gasps between cries. There's no one there, not even a pet. But the way she lets reality slam into, she's not sure who, but maybe some higher being is up there listening.

Seungwan wakes up on the floor on Saturday morning. Her phone is face down next to her. Her whole body is heavy with exhaustion from the physical and mental exertion. She rolls over, her hand dropping onto her phone with a slap. She turns it over, using the floor as support. She has forty missed messages. She's never had so many. She scrolls through to look at names, ignoring contents, and scoffs. Friends, for all she knows, they hate her too. Seungwan drops her phone face down again. She's still numb. Just existing but not actually present within the world.The rest of Seungwans weekend passes in a haze of confusion and hurt.

Monday rolls around, and Seungwan doesn't have the will to be concerned or afraid of what it will bring. Her initial despair gave way to hopelessness, and now she feels indifferent if only to protect herself.

She's switching books around between her bag and locker for her first three periods. Seulgi leans against the lockers beside her, "Hey? What happened on Friday? You disappeared. We were worried."

"Nothing. I had to leave early."

"Oh, well, you didn't respond to our texts-"

"I know," Seungwan cuts off Seulgi.

"Are you--okay?"

"I'm fine." Seungwan punctuates the statement by shoving a book into her bag with extra force.

"Are you su-"

"I said I am fine!" Seungwan snaps, standing up fast enough that Seulgi jumps. "Just leave me alone."

"Seungwan…"

"Leave me. Alone," Seungwan growls and stalks off. She retreats to the multipurpose building to wait for first period to start.

Seungwan hides out in the engineering room for breaks and lunches that Monday and every day for the next two weeks after that. She avoids Joohyun and ignores her other friends during classes and passing periods. The truth that Joohyun all but unwillingly bestowed lingers inside of her. It's like poison. It festers and bubbles. It brews, and with every passing day, the sorrow slowly turns into anger and resentment. Track practices are another beast, but silent treatment towards Seulgi makes a point quickly, and her stoic gaze keeps others away.

She's walking across campus one day at break--it's been four weeks. She's swapped her books and is heading for the engineering room. Seungwan spots Joohyun out of the corner of her eye as she passes the ASB office. She's ignored her thus far, done well at harboring her disdain and resentment, but she’s curious. She catches Joohyun looking up from her conversation, her face dropping the carefree smile to something more serious as she watches Seungwan stalk across campus. Seungwan scoffs to herself and continues her march.

They never recover. Seungwans' friendship with Seulgi, Joy, and Yeri is permanently tarnished by Joohyun's confession that Friday night. Seungwan finishes her Junior and Senior years alone. Her parents miss graduation, and she packs up and leaves for college without any goodbyes. She doesn't know what happened to her old friends. Where they are, went, or how they are doing. On quiet nights she reminisces, longs, misses them, and the good memories. Wonders where they would be now if they still talked, and what they are doing. It's been so long, and it still stings to think about.

Seungwan returns three years later for her brother's high school graduation. Her parents are there, but their interaction is limited. Seungwan stays in her old room and spends her extra days revisiting old spots. So much has changed. She's guarded now, apathetic to the world's woes. Seungwan has friends she keeps at a distance. She takes care of herself, has found new confidence in being closed off while in college. She'll drop the act for those that are her closest friends, relax and have a laugh, but she's not the naive fool who stuck out like a sore thumb in high school.

Then it happens, she runs into Seulgi. "Seungwan? Is that you?" Seulgi asks.

"Seulgi? Hi!" She puts on a smile and inwardly cringes out how high her voice goes.

"Wow, you look…" Seulgi looks her up and down. Seungwan raises her brows, waiting. "You look great!"

"Thank you!" She chirps. "You look great too.'

"Thanks!" Seulgi shifts back and forth on her feet, "where did you end up going? We, uh…" a shadow passes over Seulgi's face, "nevermind."

"Stanford, I'm at Stanford. This should be my last year, and I plan on applying for master's programs at MIT or Caltech."

Seulgi whistles, "Wow, that's… that's amazing. You always were the smart one."

"You?"

"VCU, got into their arts, so I didn't have to go far."

"That's cool, that's cool." They fall into a brief awkward silence. "It's been great, but I-" Seungwan looks over her shoulder.

"Right! Right, same. I should get back to Joohyun."

Seungwan's body tenses. Even after five years. "Alright! I'm ready if- '' Joohyun walks out of the store, she stops and looks between Seulgi and Seungwan. "Seungwan," she breathes out.

Seungwan gives Joohyun a tight-lipped smile and turns back to Seulgi, "I should really get going."

"Right! Yes, of course. It was good to see you again!"

"You too." Seungwan smiles at Seulgi. "Joohyun." She nods towards Joohyun and takes her leave.

It still hurts. It brings back bitter feelings and terrifying emptiness. It's a piece of Seungwan’s past she never wants to feel again.

Her parent's home is empty. They took her brother out to visit the grandparents for a post-graduation celebration. Seungwan elected to stay at the house alone. She planned on ordering ty food and watching equally ty movies the first night. She's sitting, ready to relax with Spotlight, when she’s interrupted by a knock at the door. Seungwan sighs, wonders who would disturb someone late into the evening, but gets up to check anyway. She looks through the peephole to see Joohyun standing at her doorstep. Seungwan unlocks the door with a shaky hand and opens it.

"Hello?"

Joohyun looks shocked, "You’re here."

"Yes?"

"I-I didn't know if you would- or if you-" Joohyun stumbles over her words, wringing her wrists out of nervous habit.

"No? I'm here for three more days before I fly back to California. Was there something you wanted?"

"Can we- can we talk?"

Seungwan takes a deep breath, runs a hand through her hair, "Come in." She steps out of the way to let her through and closes the door behind her. Seungwan walks back to the couch down in the lower half of the first floor, Joohyun follows. Seungwan drops gracelessly onto the far edge and waits. Joohyun shifts uncomfortably but sits on the opposite side, eyes focused on the wall in front of her.

"I- I'm so sorry," Joohyun blurts out. "I'm so sorry for what I did- said."

Seungwan watches her. Nothing prepared her for confrontation. No amount of imagination and made up scenarios prepared Seungwan for actually getting the chance to say everything she has ever wanted to say to Joohyun.

It's a long pause of consideration for Seungwan. "You know," Seungwan breaks the silence. "I really hated you. I resented you, all of you. I lost all my trust. You had seen my worst, been there, and then you dropped me for some kids who would rather party on Friday nights than curl up on a couch and watch TV." Seungwan is blunt. She misses her best friend. The friend she realized she had a crush on in high school once she left for college. Despite everything.

"I said awful things. I- after you left, I tried to find you. I practically tore that place apart," she chuckles dryly. "I- but you were gone, and I was afraid."

"You practically ruined me," Seungwan keeps her tone measured. "I went through the rest of that year and senior year feeling numb. I don't remember much. I was on autopilot, hoping to get as far away as soon as possible."

"Seungwan," Joohyun's voice is laced with regret. "I'm so sorry."

"Ya, you made that clear, but I want you to know exactly what you ing did." It's callous. "You humiliated me. I had few people, and then you ripped that out from under me. Who else could have felt that? How much was sympathy? Or a cruel, sick joke? Everything stopped making sense. I started to double guess everyone, everything... I struggled, was miserable, and alone. Then I went to college. I found new friends, new people who liked things I liked. I got to a clean slate to be someone without history. I've always been cautious though, there's always another shoe I wait for because of you. But I found some footing. I got help and became my own person out of sheer will to spite you and my parents." Seungwan huffs out a laugh, "I imagined this, what I would say or do. This was never it. But now, you know."

Joohyun looks down to her hands in her lap, "Seungwan… I don't know what to-" She closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath. "I learned to live without you around, but I have never forgiven myself for that night. I still miss you. This felt like the last chance I would have to get my friend back." Joohyun plays with her pants, eyes locked firmly ahead.

"It's been five years," Seungwan states, Joohyun flinches. "It took you five years to do this. I've missed it too. I think I always will, but isn't it five ing years yoo late?"

Joohyuns looks at Seungwan for the first time that evening since entering the house. "Is this it then?" Joohyun asks.

It feels like the end, "I- ya, I think so." Seungwan resigns to the reality that seems so clearly laid out.

"Do you think…" Joohyun looks back at the wall, "is there ever a chance?"

"I'm not the same. We're not. Things are… different now."

Joohyun shrinks, "Ya, I know." She chews on her bottom lip, "I don't know what I expected. I don't even know what I was thinking. I just-" Joohyun looks at Seungwan with teary eyes, "seeing you talking to Seulgi- I really missed you." Joohyun wipes the tears from her cheeks, "I'm so sorry." She stands up, walking back to the front door.

Seungwan follows Joohyun to the front door. Joohyun stops and faces Seungwan. "Can I- can I give you my number, in case you find that chance?"

Seungwan focuses on the crease of Joohyuns brows, the concern, and buried hope that paints her expression, "Give me time?" Joohyun pulls out a small folded paper from her pocket and hands it to Seungwan.

Joohyun gives Seungwan one last small smile and leaves. Seungwan stands there, watching where Joohyun had just walked out. She unfolds the paper in her hand and glances down, Joohyuns number written in neat blue ink.