adolescence 

Saturday nights are milkshakes alone in the half empty diner.

Then the walk back to his car. Cold air strikes his bare arms and once he gets in the vehicle, he shivers in the back seat as he waits for the car to heat. He forgot his jacket again. His mother will yell once he gets back home.

He misses home; he thinks about his house, his warm bed and video games awaiting him as he's driven to the next location.

Saturday nights are movies at town's old ty rundown theater, buying tickets to some crappy re-run that's just as old.

Saturday nights are Jeongguk's worst nightmare.

The boy nibbles at the rough, chapped skin on his lips, his arms tucked into the sleeves of his shirt. He'll remember to bring a jacket next time.

Murmurs accompanied by silenced giggles catch in his ears and he can hear the old rusty theater seats four spots aside from him screeching and creaking as the couple shift around.

He will never understand why his parents do this to him.

His eyes flick to the couple and Seokjin's eyes catch his. A big, toothy grin drags up the male's face before he leans into Namjoon for a kiss.

Right... His big brother needs a chaperone.

Jeongguk's teeth sink deeper into the flesh of his bottom lip.

Seokjin pulls away, eyes fixated on him as the edges of his mouth tug into a teasing smile.

That metallic taste permeates inside his mouth. Jeongguk reaches up a jittery hand, wiping the blood from his lips before pulling his attention back to the screen.

That bitter feeling sinks in.

______

Dad says he's a mistake. A failed attempt to strike up love and new shared happiness in a failing marriage.

A baby was supposed to make things better. But Jeongguk was colic. Didn't grow out of his crying fits, not until he was five. He'd learn early on that the strike from his mother's backhand hurt a hell of a lot more than his father's harsh remarks. Mom wasn't much of a talker.

His brother would call him a crybaby. The older boy would pick on Jeongguk before he'd even learn to walk.

A big old crybaby is all he'd ever been, but he'd learn to control himself.

Over time, he developed a nasty habit his parents detested. Biting and gnawing on the flesh of his lips.

His two bunny-like front teeth plunged into his thin quivering lips as his big doe eyes welled up with tears.

He doesn't cry much anymore, but that still doesn't stop him. He'd grow to love the taste of the metallic liquid. To love the pain of biting at his lips until it was raw.

______

Seokjin leaned against the cold brick wall, taking a long drag from his cigarette. Jeongguk stares, mesmerized, as the puff of smoke emerges from his lips as he exhales. A gust of air blows on them, and Jeongguk shivers, wrapping an arm around himself as the cold air nips at his skin. Seokjin seemed unphased. Numb.

They stood right outside his home, waiting for Namjoon. Seokjin bent on staying for the male, thinking he'll return after the they got into today. He ignores the throbbing and bruising forming around his eye.

"I don't understand why you won't just end things with him," Jeongguk blurts out, the words tumbling out of his mouth thoughtlessly.

"And then do what? Get with you?" He scoffs as his eyes flick to the younger. "Get real, Jeongguk. You're disgusting."

Jeongguk shrinks with each word. "You don't mean that–"

Seokjin his teeth as he turns to look at the younger. "And if I do?" he challenges, tongue poking his cheek.

"I'm sorry–"

The male narrows his eyes. "If you feel so bad for me, get on your knees and apologize, ."

And when it comes to Seokjin, it's not a request. It's an order.

The younger swallowed down his pride, the bit that he had left, and got down on his knees, blubbering apologies through his sobs. There's this aching in his chest as his stomach burns, and he can no longer catch his breath. He doesn't dare to look until he feels a chilly hand grasp his chin, dragging it up to face the older who stares down at him with a gratified smile, not an ounce of pity.

"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it, you know I didn't," the older says, but it's a lie, and Jeongguk knows it.

Seokjin lives for like this. It turns him on, and Jeongguk will do whatever he asks.

"'S okay," Jeongguk says, his voice wobbly as tears fall down his cheeks.

"C'mon, stop crying. You know I hate that," Seokjin mutters. "I'm sorry, baby."

Seokjin could become a complete monster, but Jeongguk will always take him back. He'd do anything to have Seokjin come slithering back with that wicked smile on his face as he presses his lips onto his.

Seokjin's eyes flick from his cigarette to the younger. "Hey, how mad would you be if I put this out on you?"

______

The door was left open.

He stood silently, eyes squinting through the crack of the door. He was working up the nerve to knock, to open his stupid mouth.

His ears honed in on the creaking of the headboard. The sound of whispers, muffled cries, and moans.

His eyes centered on the two bodies on the mattress. Seokjin's eyes are closed shut, his body trembling as he begs for more.

He can hear his heart drumming loudly in his ears.

It's ed up, and he knows it, but that doesn't stop him from at his lips, stepping closer to get a better look.

The floor creaks underneath him, and the figure standing over Seokjin looks over his shoulder. The boy moves away quickly, rushing back to his bedroom with a hand over his racing chest.

Later, when he closes his eyes, it's all he can see and for weeks the moment replays in his mind. He can barely look the couple in the eyes. He can't stare at Seokjin for too long without getting hard.

Nothing will ever be able to make him feel the way he did that night. He craves that rush.

______

"Hey Jeongguk," Seokjin greets, a friendly smile pasted on his face. His head leaned back on the younger's locker as he holds his workbooks against his chest.

His brown eyes are soft and warm. Sweet, like pools of honey. He could just drown in them.

Jeongguk thinks he looks like a dream.

The boy gives him a tight-lipped smile. "Hey."

"Namjoon and I have somewhere to be after school, so I won't be able to drop you off."

"Then how am I going to get home?" the younger questions, eyes full of confusion and hurt.

He watches how Seokjin's facade comes crumbling down. The smile slips off the older's face as he stares at the boy with cold, narrowed eyes.

"Walk home, ," he sneers, huffing in annoyance.

"But hyung it cold out! You guys promised you'd stop doing that!"

"Take it up with Namjoon," Seokjin snaps, and the boy shuts his mouth. "Exactly. It's not my fault, so stop whining."

Jeongguk frowns, "I'm not whin–"

"You sound like you're about to cry, and you know how much I hate that, Jeongguk," Seokjin mutters, his sweet voice taunting and menacing as he gives the younger a tight-lipped smile.

A smile that warned, 'keep testing me.' A smile Jeongguk knew all too well.

"I'm sorry."

Seokjin studies the boy for a moment before his lips upturned into a grin, making the younger squirm under his gaze.

He likes Seokjin, especially when he's mean.

"I'll make it up to you later."

That means Seokjin will make it up to him, and he doesn't have a choice. He has to do anything and everything the older says.

But he likes it when Seokjin is mean. He'll love him harder later.

"Okay," Jeongguk mutters with a sheepish smile, his lips in anticipation. He can't wait to get home.

Seokjin tilts back and forth with a plastic grin before pushing himself off the lockers. "Okay. I'll see you around?"

And the moment Seokjin leaves, the boy feels like he can breathe.

Seokjin makes him feel like he's floating. He makes him feel unsteady and nauseous and frightened. But he likes it because Seokjin loves him.

"What the was that?" His friend, Taehyung, questions, astonished as he walks towards the boy.

"What?" The younger shrugs, playing dumb.

"Dude, stop ing with me. Why was Kim Seokjin talking to you?" Taehyung huffs as he shoves at the boy's shoulder.

The teen boy's eyes go wide at the assumption. He frowns, his mouth agape as he tries to find the words. "He wasn't–"

Taehyung rolls his eyes, dismissing the younger with the wave of his hand. "Whatever. What did he want to talk about? I mean, he's a senior." The boy says, emphasizing the word senior. "And he's popular too. Did he ask you to hang out? Can I come with you?"

"He's a family friend. And no, he didn't ask me to hang out." Jeongguk states, never faltering despite his friend's questioning.

Taehyung lets out a cackle. "A family friend, my . You're hiding something, aren't you?" He questions jokingly, stepping into the younger's face with narrowed eyes.

"We're gonna be late for class," Jeongguk murmurs, and his friend lets out a loud dramatic groan.

"You're gonna tell me later!" The boy says as he points comically at the younger, who smacks his hand down with a sigh.

"There is nothing to tell."

And nothing had meant everything.

______

"–" Seokjin hisses as he lays a hand on the boy's head.

Jeongguk pulls his lips from his with a loud pop. He kisses his tip before at the slit of and down the older's length.

He looks up at Seokjin, his head thrown back, hickeys littering his neck and collarbones. A smile pulls onto the boy's face before he takes the older's in his mouth completely, repressing a gag as he bobs his head.

"–Jeongguk," Seokjin moans, his fingers now tangled in the younger's hair, tugging at it.

A warm feeling swells in the boy's chest as he hears Seokjin moan his name.

He wakes to a smack on the side of his head. His brother stands over him with a frown. "Mom said come downstairs."

Dream ends. 

______

Everyone was silent. Nothing heard but the scraping of metal forks on the glass plates. A typical family dinner at Jeon's residence after they talk about the mundane.

Their mother would ask the boys about their day, they would respond with 'fine' or a muffled reply. Jeongguk doesn't mind though. He likes quiet.

"Momma, me and some friends want to go out."

"Sure, honey," their mother agrees, not once bothering to look up at the boy.

His brother perks up, his lips tugging into a wide, hopeful smile. "Really?"

Their mother nods, "Yeah. Just bring your brother," she tells the boy. She always does.

The smile slips off the boy's face as he looks at her with a frown. "Seriously? Mom, he follows me everywhere," he groans.

"Don't act like that —"

"Why am I expected to let him around every time I want to go out?" the older boy rants, eyes narrowed. "You act like it's my fault he doesn't have any friends!"

Jeongguk grips tightly on the utensil in his hand, knuckles turning white. He keeps his head down, eyes fixed on his plate.

He no longer has an appetite.

"Apologize to your brother. Now." Their father demands. His sharp voice cuts through the tense silence.

"I'm sorry." He says through a clenched jaw before turning to look at their mother. "Can I go upstairs?"

She lets out a defeated sigh, nodding her head and when Jeongguk peers up to see the older boy's dark stare, his eyes burn holes into him as he stands from the table. If looks could kill, Jeongguk would have been dead years ago.

Later that night, he finds toothpaste smeared on his pillow cases. He cleans it up and says nothing.

He's been a burden enough for one night.

______

"A hidden camera," Taehyung mutters quizzledly as he peers over the younger boy's shoulder, looking at the tab open on his monitor.

Jeongguk ignores him. He opens a tab, reads the review, and repeats.

Taehyung scrunches up his nose, "Kinda weird... What do you even need this for?" He asks with a frown.

"Older brother," the boy mumbles.

His teeth bite down into his bottom lip as heat pools in his groin. Being able to watch Namjoon and Seokjin without a chance of getting caught.

He's getting hard just thinking about it now.

"Has he been ing with you again?" Taehyung questions and the boy nods.

That was close to the truth.

______

Cold October days had to be his favorite of all time.

Breathing in that crisp air, then watching that wisp of air smoke from his mouth as he exhales. The way the cool air nips at his skin right when he exits his home.

The sound of the autumn leaves crunching underneath his black boots.

He loves the cloudy mornings. How the sun illuminates Seokjin's face once the sun sets.

He loves how the frigid air makes the tips of Seokjin's ears and nose blush a soft red.

He loves the feeling of Seokjin's icy hands entwined with his.

It was perfect. The sun was setting as they rested beside each other.

He looked at Seokjin, and he was beautiful.

The icy breeze blew back his cedar brown locks. The setting sun made him glow. He looked radiant.

Everything was perfect.

"Hyung. I love you," the boy confesses.

Seokjin looks at him, an eyebrow cocked as he let out an amused laugh. "I could never love you." He jeers.

And then the world comes tumbling down.

Jeongguk wakes up in a cold sweat. His chest heaving, heart banging against his ribcage so loud it's the only thing he could hear in his ears. He takes unsteady breaths, his eyes wide as he glances around his dim bedroom before snatching his phone from his nightstand.

3:33 am.

He doesn't sleep for the rest of the night.

______

He presses his ear up against the wall. A hand pants in his tight jeans as he at his . His teeth sink into his lips as he chokes back sobs and pleasure-filled moans.

Seokjin has never sounded more beautiful than now.

He snaps back to reality fifteen minutes later. A mess in his boxers and blood dripping down his jaw.

He is sick, revolting, but in pure bliss.

He'll let that bitter feeling swallow him whole.

______

"Stay the away from me!"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? Please don't tell mom–"

"Are you ing kidding me?" The older questions in disbelief as he stares at Jeongguk, his eyebrows furrowed in anger. "You've been watching me and my boyfriend ing and you've been getting off to it, Jeongguk!"

"I'm sorry." Shame and regret fills the younger's face. His eyes well up with tears and those bunny-like front teeth plunge into his thin quivering lips. He shrinks into himself like the small cowardice little boy he's always been.

"What is it? Do you like him? Is that why you've been watching us without our consent, you ing freak," his brother hisses out. "You're ing pathetic and disgusting."

"I don't like him. I promise I don't like him," the boy sobs, then there's this unnerving silence between them.

The older stares down at Jeongguk, his mind seeming to put all the pieces together. 

"Jeongguk..." Seokjin mutters, his expression horrified...

"I'm your brother, for 's sakes."