Things took a turn slowly, it started with words being thrown at me of being useless and trash to normal beatings. If I couldn’t perform right or be feeling under the weather it soon led to more beatings. It was always one-sided, I never ever fought back, now I wonder why I didn’t but mostly when all my insecurities were brought up and placed in front of the plate it just made me not able to say anything against it. Slowly, I just felt that I deserved all of them and quickly lost all the will to shout which was the only thing I ever did, the quicker he lets out, the quicker I get free and act normal.
My mom soon noticed I was acting weird, but one accident had made her send me to my cousin. During the whole beatings and the words and thrashing, I couldn’t fall asleep anymore, and when I did it resulted in me shouting because my dreams consisted of him doing it all over it again in my nightmares. I had fallen asleep in the dorm due to my yelling every time, the only time I was able to sleep was when no members were present in the dorm but either it was an accidence or something, Kyuhyun had come back earlier and had found me groaning in my sleep, he woke me up.
“Hyung, are you okay?”
I tried to focus myself, my eyes hurt. I was at least planning to sleep for 2 hours.
“Yeah, I am fine.” I got up from the bed and tried to change the conversation. “Your back early?”
“Oh, the shooting was canceled so I just came back”
I smiled and was going out when a hand kinda pulled me back to sit on the bed. I yelped and Kyuhyun looked terrified about what I did just then. He pulled away quickly, I tried to just take a deep breath and told him nothing was wrong.
To be honest the pulling wasn’t anything bad but since my whole body was falling apart, a small action just made it worse.
Kyuhyun tried to ask me what’s wrong, but I brushed it aside and he didn’t ask anything more.
Things just started getting worse, with me getting no sleep, I wasn’t even properly eating anymore. The whole matter was just stressing me so out that I was causing much harm to the group as a whole. I was so tired all the time, singing was what I liked but now I was dreading the whole idea of it. It just made me want to quit everything but because of the members I just worked.
I worked like a robot who liked it, didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, or just do what I was told to do but sooner or later my health caught up to me and I collapsed while we were rehearsing for the concert. It just hurt so much all over, I was numb over the pains hidden beneath my clothes, wrapped in bandages but sometimes when there were too many bruises I couldn’t bear it anymore.
Shindong was beside me and helped me up but my legs literally had no strength. In the end, Shindong and Siwon both had to carry me in the waiting room. They put me down and I was just trying to control my breathing when Leeteuk Hyung suggested going back home and rest initially I was just going to stay but he convinced me otherwise and to be honest, I really wanted to just take a rest right then.
“Hanjae-ssi, take Yesung home’
At that time I wanted to stay right there and then but there was nothing I could do about it or make any valid excuse, I just followed him out. Siwon asked if he needed any help but I just smiled at him shaking my head.
As we made it back to the car, the heavy silence with each stuff was more terrifying than ever. As soon as we reached the car, he grabbed my hand and literally shoved me inside, and shut the door. The impact did shoot pain all over but except for voicing it I just bit my lip, I didn’t want any sound to be heard.
“Yesung, you are really useless. What do I even do with you?”
He just drove me to my house and before leaving me he said
“I will leave you alone for today but next time if you faint you are getting the worst treatment then”
He left like that, my head and my whole body was screaming in agony. I couldn’t really think about anything else. I just entered the pin code and made my way inside. I greeted my mother but before she said anything, I told her I was tired. I will just go and sleep for now. She smiled and nodded and I may have put on a smile but I don’t really know. I dragged my tired body to my room and just dropped straight to bed, the impact did shoot up the pain more but at that point, my brain and body were so numb that I just found myself fleeting towards sleep, I hadn’t slept in a while and either it was because of the familiarity of being in my house with my parents or I felt safe there but I had fallen asleep after who knows how many days. But sleep is a commodity I don’t have because the nightmare soon started, and I was woken up, and seeing a figure near me, by reflex I pushed it aside but as soon as I actually came to my senses did I notice it was my mother. I was literally on my knees
“Mom, I am so sorry. Are you okay?” I said while trying to check if I injured her or something.
She looked at me with those sad eyes before speaking
“Are you hurt badly, wait let me call..” but before I reached my cell phone she grabbed my shirt and I shifted my intention to her.
“Not for me Jongwoon, you, you need to go to a hospital” literally at that moment I felt that time stopped.
“But mom, why..”
“Jongwoon, I am your mother and I am not blind.” She closed her eyes and then spoke again. “I heard you screaming like you were in pain, y-you… look at yourself right now. You look pale every day, under your eyes I see the black bags growing bigger, and I know you're also not eating. Jongwoonie, please for your mother’s sake go and visit the hospital. I will set up the appointment. Just please…”
I didn’t speak for a while before finally nodding my head and my mother finally put out a small smile before going out of my room, leaving the guilt behind me.
Was it that worse? That my mom noticed if she had noticed that my members aren’t blind, no wonder