People say that you don’t know pain until you’ve sat and begged God to heal your heart. I guess, I know that pain, I’ve experience that—no, I’m experiencing it now. I never thought that it will be this difficult each day. My feelings grow deeper and deeper yet I can’t seem to reach you; it feels like you keep walking away from me. Is it our redemption? Is it because we have spent a lot of time together before? Is it because we keep each other company a little bit too much every day? Is it? Everything has changed bit by bit, it seems coming a little slower yet certain at some points; we will be separated, won’t we? Time will come and cut our ties. I know that you will be fine even without me because you’re loved, everyone loves you because you have such a wonderful personality. You might get sad at first and get over it just fine as always; not for me.

“I’m on a date now.”

You know what? The moment when you said that you were on date, I stopped everything that I was doing that time. I was eating my favorite fruit, mango. It was hard for me to swallow, the mango itself tasted sweet yet the reality made it tasteless. I took my mango back to the fridge, rushed myself; ran to my room and cried. I was that shocked. My chest felt heavy, I didn’t have any courage to reply your message. I didn’t do anything but cry. Little did I know, I already replied your message; denying the pain and cheering on you instead. I had no rights to get sad, hadn’t I? I’m your best buddy, I should cheer on you no matter what even though I should push my own feelings. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

Taeyong, I write this letter for you. I write it because I can ever say it in person because I’m a coward. I don’t want to ruin our friendship because I like you, I fond of you more than just a friend. I like your companion a lot, the moment when we always exchanging stories about our days or simply just boasting up to each other about food. Remember when you bought my favorite cheesecake and teased me just because I wasn’t there at the moment huh? And remember when I bought your favorite mentai rice only to take my revenge on you huh? You were that loud, protesting about that rice because you like it a lot. Remember when I was sad then you came and gave me that otter plushie? It was adorable and I cried because too happy and shy at the same time. Remember when you just moved into your new apartment and can’t sleep because of the ghost and asked me to accompany you through chats? We talked until the sun rose and both of us able to sleep. Remember when you were in your darkness time and ran to me instead of anyone else to share your burden with? I was beyond glad you did run to me. I remember it clearly, I remember everything that we did to each other. Now things have slowly moved from us, from me especially. I feel like I have to take two steps back in order to save our friendship and save myself too. I don’t want to lose you or our friendship. I need to take care of my feelings for you, I’m sorry for being like this. I’m not gonna lie because it’s hard for me. I miss your sudden “I miss you” in the middle of our random conversations and I regret it because I was too shy to even say the same thing. Will I able to hear it again? I guess no. I do miss you a lot; I miss our late conversations.

I know that you hate lengthy paragraph, I know you hate reading but please bear with this letter, alright? Do you remember our impulsive promise several months ago? That you will keep me company to stay up late to finish my works? I think we won’t able to fulfill that promise, we’re drifting apart now. I think you already forget it too but again, it’s alright. I won’t ask for more, I won’t be greedy; it’s more than enough having you here despite your busy schedules. You know what? Every time I pray, I ask God to erase my feelings for you; I beg and I beg and I beg to God to erase this feelings, to give me strength, to support you with your crush or anyone that can make you happy, to have a big heart. I pray to God to save our friendship even though I have to give up and erase this feelings, I’m okay with that as long as you’re happy; both of us are happy. I pray to God for our happiness even though in different ways. Some people say, the greatest love is through prayer; you recite and convey the person’s name within your prayer. I’m doing it now, I keep your name within my prayer. Will God let us stay as friends for such a long long time without even facing up separation? I keep begging to God to let us befriending each other but our paths have already set, all I can do is strengthen myself to face that upcoming day. Taeyong, thank you for coming to my life. If one day, one day, our time comes, please don’t forget me. I’m your weirdo and loud buddy who can’t be found anywhere. If it is real redemption time then thank you for making me happy, accompanying me through thick and thin, lending your arm to pull me up from the darkness. I will be sad, I will cry a lot, I might be dimmed for a long time but it’s alright. Everything is temporary, we are meant to cross each other’s life path but not meant to be together. I like you, I like a lot—a little bit too much every day and it hurts. Remember your Kim Jiho buddy, alright? Let’s cherish our time as much as we can and let’s be happy; I love you, Lee Taeyong buddy. My prayer will always be with you.