'Cause only you could fill this empty space
I wanna tell all my friends
But I don't think they would understand
It's somethin' I've decided
'Cause only you could fill this empty space

-Empty Space, James Arthur

End of 2023
[Seoul, Korea]

I sat there, staring into the mirror with a thousand thoughts running through my mind. My heart felt like it would jump out of my chest as I held the drugstore-bought pregnancy stick against my chest when the doorbell rang. I didn’t even have to walk to the door when it opened and Taeyong stuck his head in, finally making his way in and closing the door behind him. He took one look at my face and he sighed.

It has been three years since I graduated from SM University. Three years since I’ve parted with Yuta and as much as I hated it, he sometimes flittered through my mind sometimes. The first year after I graduated, I went back to my small town to visit my family—to forgive and forget about the traumatic past they put me through. Upon looking at my tarot cards, they told me I would never live a good life and never get married if didn’t do so that year.

And as small towns do, I ended up getting married after only six months of dating the guy.

He wasn’t that bad. He was one of the boys who I hated when I was young, but he was a city man. He worked a lot and our marriage was out of respect for each other and needless to say, I ended up falling for him more than I expected. Was it one-sided? Maybe. But my mother told me that harder I worked; he may love me back.

And like she said, he was a bit more affectionate than before and we were going down a journey of trying to get used to each other.

Until he came home drunk one day.

And no, Taeyong didn’t know.

I’ve only told Taeyong the good parts of our marriage and I wasn’t going to change that anytime soon. We had our own apartment in Seoul and Taeyong, being a sound engineer in one of the top production companies often called me out for lunch and dinner. We stopped talking for a while because… life. But I needed him now, more than ever.

“Where’s Joohyuk?” Taeyong asked me and I chewed on my bottom lip. “What’s going on Charm?”

“He’s in Japan,” I told Taeyong. “Taeyong, it’s been three months since my period.”

“Sorry?” Taeyong asked, his eyebrows furrowing when suddenly realization hit. “Charm… you’re—”

“I don’t know,” I answered a little bit too quickly. “Maybe not, Taeyong. Maybe it’s just my hormones.”

Taeyong let out a breath, his eyes on the pregnancy stick in my hand when he raised an eyebrow.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” he asked, grabbing me by the shoulders to push me to the toilet. “You need to find out, Charm. Jesus, we haven’t even spoken in three months and I can’t believe you called me for this.”

“Taeyong, we’re adults. I don’t need to tell you everything I’m doing and…” I paused, digging my feet on the ground, refusing to move. “Tae, what if I’m really pregnant?”

Taeyong froze and I felt him slowly turning me to look at him.

“And why do you sound like you don’t want to be?” he asked carefully. “Is… there any relationship problems? Is something wrong?”

“No,” I answered, shaking my head but deep down I felt my heart go heavy. It was obvious I felt more when it came to Joohyuk but the one time I told Taeyong about it, he told me it was because I clung to the tiniest amount of affection from him. ‘You can’t make him love you if he doesn’t, Charm.’, was what he said.

After that, I simply told him everything was okay.

“It’s just fast, Taeyong. I’ve been with him for a year, I’ve been married only for a year.”

“But if you’re in love with him and him to you as you said, then it shouldn’t be a problem,” he answered, his eyes studying. “Damn, if you’re really pregnant… I can’t believe you’ll have a baby with the one guy who used to throw rocks at you.”

“Taeyong,” I said his name warningly. Joohyuk was once a bully and Taeyong still didn’t trust him, for good reasons, he said. Taeyong began to push me again and I grumbled, walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind me. “Taeyong, don’t go anywhere.”

“I’m here, by the door,” he told me, rapping his knuckles against the door and I sighed, finally trying to do my thing. “Charm, relax. I can feel the tension from here.”

“Tae, I’m trying to pee.” I snapped and I heard him shuffle.

“Joohyuk has been going to Japan a lot these days, though. Didn’t he just go two weeks ago?” Taeyong asked and I heard the suspicion in his voice. Taeyong always doubted my husband despite me constantly telling him that everything was okay.

“He was promoted, Tae. He handles the branch there.” I answered, closing my eyes and trying to let nature take its course.

“Right,” he scoffed. “And why can’t you just move there then?”

“And leave you?”

“You’re married to him, not me,” Taeyong said and I groaned, finally succeeding.

“You’re my only friend.”

“What great news,” Taeyong said sarcastically. “Done?”

“You talk too much,” I complained, closing the lid and doing my thing before reaching for the door and opening it. Taeyong stood there, his eyes widening before he jerked his head at the pregnancy stick. I shook my head, both of us staring at each other as suspense-filled the air. Not yet, the instructions said we had to wait five to ten minutes and Taeyong seemed to know that.

“Is it time?” he asked after two minutes and I shook my head, both of us staring at the stick on the living room table. “Check.”

“Not yet. Three more minutes.”

“Maybe we need to wait a few minutes longer to make it accurate,” he said and I wet my lips with my tongue. “Now?”

“Tae, thirty seconds passed.”

“Oh.” He inhaled and we stared at it when suddenly the alarm rang to show that five minutes had passed. I blinked, my hand slowly going out to grab it when Taeyong beat me to it. His hand grabbed it and he turned it over to stare at the result. I closed my face with my hands, turning to see that Taeyong paled.

“What? What? How many lines?”

“Uh… Wait. I need to read,” he told me, grabbing the pamphlet. “T-Two lines?”

I felt the blood drain from my face and I didn’t know if I was happy or sad. I was pregnant… That was something to be happy about, right? I felt Taeyong’s eyes on me and I gave him a weak smile, Taeyong nodding.

“Congratulations, Charm. You’re going to be a mother,” he told me and I sighed, sitting up. “And jeez, you guy didn’t use protection?”

“W-We’re married!” I stuttered.

And he was drunk.

And I wanted it.

I wanted to prove myself to him so much. I wanted to make him happy.

And now I was pregnant.

“When is he coming back?” Taeyong asked, leaning back. “Surely, you guys need to get ready. In six months, I’m going to be an Uncle!”

Taeyong’s happy cheer changed the atmosphere and I beamed. Maybe this was the start of a new life. Maybe this was good for me. For us. I didn’t know when Joohyuk was going to come back but I knew I wanted to surprise him.

“Where are you going?” he asked as I ran into my bedroom to pack my bags. “Wait, you’re not thinking of going to Japan, are you? Really? To tell him the news?”

“I want to surprise him, Tae. We’re going to have a baby—do you think he wants a girl or a boy?” I asked, Taeyong shrugging. “He’s going to be happy, Tae. He would, right?”

“Charm,” Taeyong said and I looked at him, throwing a bunch of dresses in. “The fact that you are unsure concerns me.”

I blinked, realizing that I should have played it off cooler. I stood up, smiling at him before giving him a hug. He rocked me back and forth, patting my back.

“Charm,” he said my name again and I felt him exhale. “Promise me that everything is fine between you two.”

“Everything is fine, Taeyong. I promise.” I said but while I said it, my mind drifted to how distant Joohyuk was. How, somehow, I felt like something was off. “I’m going to tell him in Japan, and best be sure, Taeyong… I’ll name my child after you if it’s a guy.”

Taeyong chuckled, flicking my forehead.

“And if it’s a girl?”

“Daisy,” I answered and I saw his eyes fill with tears almost immediately.

That night, right after Taeyong left and I booked my ticket, I wrote a hand-letter to Daisy.

Dear Daisy,

I’m pregnant. That’s all I have to say and when I told Taeyong that I’ll name her ‘Daisy’ if she’s a girl made him cry. He’s still very sad, Daisy, what do I do? Every time I think of him, I feel like I can’t save him. Anyway, I’ve gone to Japan tomorrow to see Joohyuk. I want to break the news to him and surprise him.

He’d be happy, I think. He has to be. Oh, Daisy, I wish you were here. I miss you so much. Visit me in my dreams when you have the time.

I’ll be waiting,

Charm.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Tokyo]

The cold Japan air was no different from Seoul and I lunged the bag behind me. My surroundings were a bit grayer than in Seoul and I checked my phone, deciding that I would go to the hotel when the sunset. I wanted to go shopping, maybe buy a nice dress to wear and look good for Joohyuk. I moved out of the airport and hailed a cab.

I have been to Japan many times before and each time, it was for work until Joohyuk told me to quit. I smiled when I remembered him telling me that he didn’t want me to travel to Japan often—in turn, he was the one who ended up traveling every two weeks. I passed Shibuya’s crossing street and the number of people making their way to work made me miss working life.

I sighed, finally stopping in Japan’s biggest shopping mall. It was crowded and it seemed like there was an idol or celebrity around and I didn’t give it much thought. I dragged my bag behind me, feeling myself run out of breath for a while when my phone dinged and I checked my messages.

Taeyong: Told him?

Charm: I just reached, Tae.

Sometimes I wondered if Taeyong worried too much but he replied that he was excited for me. I finally pocketed my phone and entered the mall, everyone lining up in front of an area and I frowned. What was all the fuss about?

I moved forward, walking past empty stores when a voice from someone spoke, telling everyone that that was it for the book signing. My eyes flew open when I realized that it was a book signing and I moved past teenagers, with sad eyes as they looked dejected that the event had ended. Everyone began to file out of the bookstore and I stood there, not wanting to get involved in the stampede when everyone left.

“I just wanted to talk to him once!” I heard a girl say to her friend. “I didn’t even read his book, but I bought it just so he could sign it.”

“I know, right? Maybe we can just come back tomorrow,” her friend replied and I frowned. Why would they come to a book signing if they didn’t read the book? “It opens at 7 am so let’s arrive by 6:30?”

Their voices were droned out and I tugged my bag behind me, entering the bookstore to see banners put up. My eyes ran over the banners to see a book title, ‘The Unfortunate Events of Hoshi’ and I chuckled at how cute it sounded. Hoshi was called “Star” in Japanese and I made my way down the number of books shown on display.

I saw a man stretching in the middle, surrounding him were bodyguards. He seemed to be the writer and I couldn’t see his face so I walked past him, turning to the astrology section when I caught sight of a cardboard cut out of a familiar face.

I froze, my eyes on the cutout in front of me, my lips running over the familiar curve of his lips, the sparkle in his eyes, and that smile so wide it could heal a whole country. Beside that cut out was a poster of facts about him and I blinked.

“Nakamoto Yuta had written “The Unfortunate Events of Hoshi” a few years back—” I whispered to myself, my heart beginning to beat in my ears.

Yuta.

If that was the writer, that would mean the person I saw—

I closed my eyes and tried to regulate my breathing. I would just turn and check. I just want to make sure it’s him. And if it really was Yuta, I’d just leave. I wasn’t mad, it was a long time ago…. But interacting at the moment would be somewhat weird after how we parted.

“Good work today, Yuta.” A voice said and I slowly turned around, hearing Yuta’s reply.

“No, thank you, Director,” he said and his sentence was followed by a chuckle.

I was finally facing him from afar and it was no doubt that it was Yuta. I saw him bow, both of them saying words I couldn’t comprehend when the world seemed to move slowly around me. A pang of sadness washed over me and my feet couldn’t move when he turned and our eyes met.

.

A buzz ran through my fingers and I gripped my luggage, Yuta’s eyes on mine when his jaw dropped.

Yuta.

The director kept on talking and for a moment, it was only his eyes I was lost in. My heart twisted in my chest, Yuta’s eyes not leaving mine when he cleared his throat.

“So, I was thinking….” I heard the director say something and Yuta looked away momentarily, breaking the magic. I took it as an opportunity to finally move away, dragging my bag with me. I didn’t know where to go and slid deeper into the astrology section, leaning against the shelf to calm myself down when I heard footsteps.

They passed the area and I reached up to press a hand on my face. My skin was hot.

“Charm?” A voice said and my heart dropped once more and I felt like I was flying. I never felt this nervous when I was with Joohyuk, but Yuta’s voice alone was enough to make me feel a hundred different types of emotions in one go. “Charm…”

And then appeared amongst the midst of astrology books still needing to be shelved.

“Yuta?” I said his name like it was a question and he didn’t seem awkward, the male smiling at me. “Yuta.”

“Charm,” he greeted. “What a… surprise. I was sure you saw me, why did you run away? To the astrology section at that.”

I blinked, straightening my back, forcing a smile. “Some things never change.”

“I can see,” he said and suddenly the air was so thick, it was hard to stand there in front of him. “How… What are you doing here, Charm?”

‘I’m pregnant and I’m here to tell my overworked husband’ didn’t seem very nice to say to someone who was your ex-lover.

“Uh… Just.” I managed to say and I wondered why a part of me didn’t want to tell him I was married. I was proud to be married, wasn’t I? “I see you’re a writer.”

“Well, obviously,” he said, flashing me a smile. “Come, let me give you a book.”

“For free?” I asked, my voice rising an octave.

“Yes, for free, Charm,” he told me, chuckling. “Come on.”

And with that, he grabbed my wrist like it was the most natural thing in the world. His touch burned and I did my best not to gasp. My body gravitated to him almost naturally and before I knew it, I was standing in front of the table that was put up for him. Nakamoto Yuta grabbed a book, releasing his grip on me before he grabbed a pen.

“I’m happy for your success,” I told him and he hummed, nodding.

“How about you, Charm? Did you become a writer, too?” he asked and I slowly shook my head. I forgot I had dreams. “Are you still a proofreader? Editor?”

“No…” my voice trailed before I cleared my throat. “I was but then my husband—”

Yuta’s hand stopped writing when he scratched something out and I forced myself to continue.

“My husband told me to stop working.” I watched him stare at the page before he nodded as a response. “That’s why I’m here. He comes often.”

“I see,” Yuta replied and when he looked up, he still had a smile on his face. “Well, congratulations on your marriage, Charm. I’m glad you’re happy, you deserve it.”

Was I? Now that I’ve seen Yuta, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

It was physically painful to stand in front of him and to not touch him and I felt my eyes water, feeling my emotions run through me like a train on a train track. I nodded robotically, Yuta closing the book with a snap before putting down the pen and handing me the book.

“It’s great to see you, Charm,” he told me and I smiled. “Are you going back to Korea anytime soon?”

“Uhm, I’m not sure,” I told him. “Depends on the hus—”

“The husband, of course,” he said to me before taking out a business card. “Well, if you ever end up coming again.”

He paused.

“With or without the husband, I’d be happy you have dinner with you guys. Taeyong visited a couple of months back,” he said and I nodded, taking the business card and tucking it into the book. “Great to see you, Charm.”

I looked up to see that he had his arms open and I stepped forward, my arms going around his waist to hug him. His perfume wafted to my nose and I felt my pulse race, Yuta hugging me close as he placed his head on my shoulder. I felt myself shudder and I pulled away, Yuta’s arms lingering on my shoulders before he put them down, smiling at me.

“Well, you better be off. Don’t want to keep the husband waiting, do you?” he asked and I nodded.

“Bye, Yuta,” I said, moving away to walk out of the bookstore.

And when I looked back, I saw him staring at me.

How empty, I thought. I felt empty.

When I was in the cab, I opened up the book to see that he had written something that he scratched out. Looking closely, I saw that it was a “2/3”. Beside that was a simple line.

“Good to see you again, Charm.

Nakamoto Yuta”

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I knew where Joohyuk’s hotel was. He always stayed in the same hotel and it was often shown on our credit card bill. Sometimes, I wondered why we had to pay for the hotel when he kept saying it was work. I had cabbed to the hotel, making my way to the reception to say my husband’s name. I smiled at her and I saw her eyes linger on my face before she told me to go to the eighth floor, the last room down the hall.

“Oh,