She was the only one for me for a long time until I found out I was dying.

Some days I would find myself staring at her, wondering how she would react if she knew. I went to the doctor one day and they told me it was cancer—that it was spreading fast and there was nothing I would be able to do with it. I was broken for a while but I refused to tell anyone because I realized that it would be a burden.

And she was happy.

She was happy because we were going to get married.

She went on for days about how she couldn’t believe it was finally happening. We were together for five years, through thick and thin. She was there for my up and downs, she knew my habits, my patterns. She loved me for it and I was not going to take it all away.

I was about to tell her.

I promised myself that she had to know what she was getting into if she was going to get married to me. I could already picture her face. It would freeze then it would fall. Her hands would reach for mine and she would tell me that we’d find a way together because that is what we would have done. She’d tell me that she’d work and that if there was a will, there would be a way.

And I would have to tell her that money wasn’t the problem and the problem was that my body was dying.

And I would have to watch her eyes tear up, her bottom lip tremble.

I would have to watch her sob right in front of me and I know I would have cried too.

But the moment didn’t come and I remember telling her that I would see her soon. For some reason, I went to the flower shop and got myself a bouquet of flowers to give her. I lifted the flowers up to my nose, sniffing the scent.

Forget-me-not’s, they were called.

I went into the car, stepping on the gas. The rain was heavy and the radio was on and I rehearsed what I would tell her. The tears did not come yet, but the heaviness was definitely there. My heart twisted in my chest and I remembering praying for her. I remembering praying to god to make it quick, to please give her everything good because I would be taken away from her soon.

And then it was a mess.

Headlights and the wheels of a drunk driver, driving opposite from me. I wish that I could say that it was painless, but it wasn’t. The impact was quick and my body suddenly felt the hit and I could feel the jabs of glasses against my body. The flowers were now red with my blood, my phone ringing in my pocket and I knew it was her.

I closed my eyes and for the first time, I cried.

Because I knew that the time had come.

And then it was light.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They say death is scary, but I can tell you that it is not.

But it’s scary for those who are left behind.

I watched. I was floating between the land I once belonged to and the place where I was supposed to be so I watched over the people I cared about. Her, especially.

She drank a lot. Soju on Mondays, whiskey on Tuesdays, rice wine on Wednesdays.

I watched her break down and I was breaking down along with her. She would rock herself to sleep while I stood beside her bed, wanting to take her pain away even when I was the one who caused it. Her tears would soak the pillow up and she would whimper in her sleep. She refused to change the sheets, she refused to move my pictures, and she refused to change anything that reminded me of her.

“Please don’t lose yourself.” I would say. But she would lay there, staring at the ceiling for hours. “I don’t know how I’ll be able to handle the guilt.”

Until one day, she packed her bags up and went to Thailand. She met him in a bar and he was everything I was not. He didn’t seem to take life seriously and his eyes sparkled with life. I saw her smile for a moment but it left as fast as it came when the sad songs came on and she laid her head on his shoulder.

“Suho, the angel.” He said and he looked straight at me but couldn’t see me there.

Hug her for me, was what I wanted to say.
Take her in your arms and tell her that everything will be okay.
Treat her like she’s precious... like she’s broken... because she is.
Fix her up, give her lov