Retrograde amnesia. 

That’s the official term the doctors call her condition. She doesn’t have her memories before the accident, but she has the skills she used to have. Riding a bicycle will still come naturally to her, and so will using a phone — it’s just her life that been ripped out of her mind and discarded away. Seongmoon talks a bit more about the treatment she’s been undergoing as well as the places around the hospital she’s been kept in.

None of them mention the river. As strange as it is, Jongkook has the suspicion that Seongmoon does not know Jihyo as well as he thinks he does. Whatever the case, it is clear that his sister does not have the means to last the night by herself.

At that, Jongkook swallows his anger. This man is asking too much of them, having dropped a bombshell moments ago. He has kept Jihyo from seeing most of her past on pretense that she was suffering. Doesn’t he know that they were hurting too?

Still, anger is nothing but futile now. They will work together to search for the woman without the help of the authorities. Nobody needs to leak this to the press. 

They separate a list of places, and despite Kwangsoo’s protests, Jongkook volunteers to go alone. It is not that he doesn’t trust Seongmoon, but he doesn’t think that Jihyo would go to places she knows. He saw her by the river, a spot he knows her body brought her to, not her mind.

“There’s just one thing I need you all to take note.” Seongmoon says before they leave. “Please don’t overload her mind with her past. She can’t handle the truth yet.”

Jongkook holds back a retort about how he shouldn’t have kept it a secret from her then. This is not the time. He will bite his tongue and find her first, whatever it takes to see her again. 

It’s not a foolproof plan, but they promise to search and meet up in a few hours, departing for their own destinations. Jongkook stays in his car for a moment, glad he decided to drive to work. Where should he go? Seoul is huge, and even if she’s still around the hospital, it would take pure luck to find her. 

He closes his eyes, thinking hard. There are hundreds of places he can think of, but which might increase his chances of finding her? Sighing deeply, he looks out at the sky — it’s snowing. The first snowfall of the year, he might add. White specks land on his car’s window screen and he watches them melt as quickly as they come.

Perhaps... This is a sign. Jongkook isn't very superstitious and he doesn't believe in fate, yet his mind races, the memories swirling as he looks at the snowfall. He might just have an inkling of where she went.

No time to waste — he steps on the gas pedal, his heart thumping and his car revving up onto the snowy roads. 

Six years ago — 2014, December

Sometimes, filming ends early and they get to enjoy the rest of their day. Those with families go home to spend some extra time with their children and wives, and the rest of them either go out for dinner or grab a few drinks to unwind.

It’s been a tradition for long to come to this cafe. Introduced by Donghoon, the self-appointed food expert of the group, they like the fact that it’s cosy and found in a quaint corner of a neighborhood in Mapo-gu. 

Today isn’t an exception. Filming ends early and they pile into Jongkook’s car after the PDs dismiss them. Kwangsoo’s riding shotgun because of his long legs and Jihyo’s sitting comfortably at the back on her phone. Just them today; Gary’s busy with his album and Ha Ha’s returning help Byul with Dream, with the two oldest hyungs going home too. 

“I’m going to get the peach tart.” Kwangsoo declares, already thinking about his order.

“Peaches aren’t in season anymore, pabo.” His noona pipes up from the back.

“So? They might have it! It’s not a dumb order.”

“At least get strawberry! Who’s going to have peach for you?”

“Calm down, children.” Jongkook scolds, amused. They always argued like five year olds but make up and become sweet siblings only to repeat the cycle again. 

He’s about to suggest splitting a strawberry bingsu, when he gets distracted by the snowflakes on his window screen. “Oh, did you see that? It’s snowing.” 

“It is?”

Kwangsoo presses his cheeks against his side of the window, peering up at the sky, his order long forgotten. Jihyo mirrors him, abandoning her phone and beaming.
 

“It’s the first snow!” She closes her eyes and clasps her hands together, making her own special wish. 

“I thought it would usually snow by now.” Jongkook nods.

“Global warming.” Kwangsoo clicks his tongue, shaking his head. “Wow, I can’t believe I have to watch the first snowfall of the year with you, noona.”

“Yah!”

“Don’t start, Kwangsoo ah.” Jongkook sighs. He’s driving them to the cafe, but it feels like he’s the chaperone. “You know what they say about first snowfalls. What are you guys wishing for?”

“If we tell you, it won’t be a wish anymore.” Jihyo adds cheekily.

“I wish that hyung will pay for our meal later.” Kwangsoo tries, smiling widely.

“... It’s like you don’t have any money.”

“Noona!”

Jongkook decides to keep quiet this time, letting the two youngest members of the group go head to head with their teasing. They were like a family, the bunch of them. The show’s been around for some time now, and every episode is a joy to film. Even though the ratings have been falling sightly, he doesn’t think it will hurt their chances of going on for a long time.

As noisy as they were, he’d love to film for years and years. He’s grown to love them all as friends and family, a special group of people he can truly look forward to seeing every week. Looking out at the road, he realizes that he hasn’t made his own wish yet. It’s a silly tradition, really, but so were trips like these to the cafe. Why not indulge in some harmless fun? 

So Jongkook watches the snow fall and wishes that he can be blessed with filming with the people he now calls his second family for many years to come.

The snow continues to fall, and deep in his heart, it feels like it will come true. 
 

Now — 2020, December

Jihyo is lost.

She doesn’t have a phone, or a place to stay for that matter. All she has is the couple of bills she took (borrowed) from Seongmoon’s wallet when he left to speak to the doctors. A card for emergencies; he might have cancelled it, or even worse, trace it back to her. 

So maybe she didn’t quite think this through, leaving in the morning. All she’s been doing is walk around Mapo-gu, an area she doesn’t really know. The hospital is within the vicinity, but who knows how long she’s been walking. Probably hours and multiple kilometers now, but the funny thing is that her feet don't seem to hurt. All she knows is that she might have been here before, even if she has no memories of it.

She feels this way a lot of times. Seongmoon says it’s from all the medication, but she didn’t take her dose this morning. She won't be taking them anymore. They don't make anything better anyway. 

Jihyo sips her latte, looking out the window of the tiny cafe she’s been sitting in for hours now. Thinking of Seongmoon is making her sad; she didn’t mean to run away from him like that, but sometimes it’s suffocating to have him around. She wants to be free, not cooped up in a room all day. There’s nothing wrong with her and she has always felt fine, a sentiment Seongmoon does not share. 

Why does he insist that she needs to be warded, specifically in the psychiatric department? After his overreaction to that one name, she’s afraid of what Seongmoon is hiding from her. 

Her dongsaeng means well most of the time. He’s the only other person in her life that she’s allowed to remember, considering he’s always visiting. She doesn’t really remember her parents or her childhood. Just vague, blurry memories — like the time her father brought her cycling and they fell into the drain together, or when her mother brought her out shopping and let her buy an expensive toy. Small, barely there glimpses of the person she used to be.

The strange thing must be forgetting the past twenty years of her life. She cannot remember anything beyond her schooling years, not even college. It's like someone took a chunk of her brain and forgot to put it back, a huge hole missing. 

Again, Seongmoon doesn’t speak much about her past. He hasn’t even told her how she got in this state. All he has told her is that she fell and hit her head hard before losing her memories, then promising that he will take care of her for the rest of her life.

But she doesn’t want that, to depend on someone forever. She wants to go out whenever she wants to, to experience life as a normal being and perhaps travel the world, maybe Los Angeles? She doesn’t know much about America or LA, but it’s a thought that she would like to go.

Her head hurts thinking about it. Perhaps leaving was a bad idea after all. She sneaks out a lot of times, but she’s always gone back. It’s overwhelming to see Seoul in the day, come to think of it. She’s usually only out late at night for some fresh air, when nothing is open and it’s just her and her thoughts. 

Jihyo closes her eyes and counts to ten, waiting for the ringing in her ears to stop. She could never concentrate for long before her head turned to mush. Maybe it’s still not too late to go back. 

The owner comes by her table again, peering at her half empty cup. She feels apologetic — she’s been here for hours just watching the people walk by, no book or phone in her hands. She must look like a crazy person, with how much the staff at this cafe keep staring at her. Still, she avoids their eyes, keeping hers locked on the window beside her. 

The sun is setting. She should have thought this through if she’s going to go with it. Panic seeps in —