“Looking at the state you’re in now, I assumed you found your answer but you didn’t like it.”

Seungri looked up from his phone. Even with teary eyes —he didn’t even know if the tears was caused by him vomiting all over the place or something else— Seungri could still see who was talking to him.

Seungri took a deep breath and leaned his back to the bench. Wiping his face off a few times to get rid of whatever expression he had on -clearly not good because the speaker threw him a sympathetic look- Seungri finally responded. Just not with an answer. 

“Are you a genie? Why do you keep appearing everywhere?”

The bartender chuckled, strutting to his side to take a seat there without being asked to. “With whatever going’s on with you-“ her eyes sparkled with humour, “—I bet you’re really hoping I’m one.”

The bartender’s tone was kind but Seungri didn’t feel like opening up now, especially not with a stranger, no matter how good her sense of humour was or how sensible her advices were before.

Seungri averted the conversation to a less dangerous territory, later learnt that the bartender’s name was Lisa and she wasn't actually working at the bar. Not officially, at least. This bar belonged to her brother, and since she’s interested in mixology, she always came around to handle the bar. 

“Used to be under my brother’s supervision, but now he just let me be.”

“You’re doing free labor, then?”

“Well, no. Not exactly. He gives me allowance every month, the tips that I got from bartending is all mine, and I actually get to meet many new, interesting, attractive people. Just like you.”

Seungri choked on nothing hearing that. Is she flirting with him?

“So, since I’m a genie, what are you gonna wish for?” 

It’s a joke, probably, but Seungri detected a hint of seduction there. Yet, he decided to ignore that for now, instead got into deep thinking about that question. 

What did he wish to happen tonight?

From the very first moment he decided to come here, hesitantly if he could say so himself, he never knew what to expect. He never knew what’s gonna happened to him. He never knew what he’s hoping for.

In all seriousness, he wasn’t hoping that the moment he stepped into the bar, he would come down with a realisation just like that. He wasn’t hoping he'll get the answer through someone that would just come to him and say something definitive like “oh yes you’re gay welcome to our club” or “oh, hunny, what are you’re doing here you’re not one of us”.

Seungri knew it’s a little bit complicated than that, this stuff about ual orientation, it’s not like it could be detected by a radar or something.

When he got approached by the beef man, who he’d rather stay nameless, even in his own mind, Seungri was excited about it. They clicked so fast. They drank. They danced. They joked around. They had fun, but when that man suddenly pulled him away from the dance floor to a private corner and kissed him, then his lips so many times, forcing Seungri to grant him access for a deeper kiss, he became uncomfortable. 

When that man started to touch him everywhere, he became overwhelmed. The only thing he could hear, then, was his heart pounding and brain screaming, “ing run from there, this ain’t it!”

So, he did. He pushed that man away and ran outside as fast as he could, only to start puking just around the corner. He’s not gay, then, right? He couldn’t be one, because he wouldn’t be this bothered if a man touched him if he’s one, right?

Then, he felt something else running through his veins. Disappointment. As ridiculous as it sounded, as comical as it may seemed, he’s disappointed he's not gay.

And that makes all of these even more confusing. 
 

If he’s not gay, then, why would he be disappointed now? What were all those weird yet amazingly drowning feelings he had been feeling when he’s with Jiyong? What was that feeling he got earlier as soon as he heard Jiyong’s voice, answering his call on the first ring? What was that melancholy feeling washed upon him when Jiyong sounded worried about him? 

“I’ll come to you.” Jiyong said that to him then, and if he really wasn’t into men, why would Seungri felt like he wanted to sob his heart out and plead for Jiyong to come faster to save him from this hell hole?

Seungri’s chest felt tight.

“I think I wanna wish for peace of mind.” Seungri whispered, actually feeling that his brain was melting away. 

“Oh.” Lisa seemed disappointed in his answer. 

Well, he felt the same way about himself too, okay? She's not special!

“I couldn’t help with that, you see.” Lisa grinned. “Maybe something else?”

“What do you want me to wish for?”

Lisa put her hand on his hand. “A release, maybe.”

Seungri swallowed, hard.

“—cause, I can help you with that, for sure.”

Seungri chuckled nervously. “Aren’t you— aren’t you—“  He couldn’t finished his sentence.

“What? Gay?” Lisa chuckled too, a little more honestly than him. “Just because I work here doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

“So, you’re...” Seungri left his words hanging.

“Well, you’re not wrong, per se. You see—“ her hand moved to his arm, “—I swing both ways.” Lisa smiled meaningfully.

"You don't know if I'm- I'm..."

"If you're gay, you'd be having fun in there now, but you're not." Lisa's hand moved to his shoulder. "You're so tense now-" she commented, "I can help you with that."

His heart thumped. Could this be the thing he wanted all along? All this while, could it be that he's just and needed a ‘release’ —as Lisa called it— and since he wasn’t with anyone for a long time now, Seungri projected his attraction onto the only living person who occupied most of his time and space, Jiyong, and that's why he’s obsessed with him?

Can he test this theory? 
 

He didn't have to wonder for long because Seungri was just so desperate for answers, he was stupidly willing to do anything for it. As he returned Lisa’s gaze, he mouthed his question without thinking.

“Your place or mine?”

Lisa beamed at him. “You’re probably not gonna be comfortable in a teapot, so yours.”

*****

The next few moments were blurry. 

Seungri couldn’t remember how they got here —did they take the cab?— or when, but they’re nevertheless here, on his couch, with Lisa on his lap, her lips on his neck. 

How long have they been like this? Pretty long, he supposed, as his lips felt numb. 

Oh, he kissed her back, sure, but as he did, something snapped inside him. He realised he’s longing for that specific set of lips to be on his lips. As he moved his hands around Lisa’s body, he found out it’s not that body he wanted to touch. As Lisa moved to his neck and her perfume scent filled the air, Seungri couldn’t deny it anymore, the fact that he’s looking for that one particular scent that drove him mad just by thinking about it.

When Lisa’s kisses trailed back to his lips, Seungri’s hands moved to Lisa’s waist, lowering them bit by bit, but he soon stopped himself, hesitating.

On top of him, Lisa groaned. It wasn’t a lustful one, and Seungri felt bad about it. 
 

“Don’t tell me you’re actually gay.” Lisa leaned away from him, frowning.

Seungri chuckled tiredly as he removed both his hands from her. “I—“ He sighed, “—I’m sorry.”

Lisa sighed too, surrendering but showed no sign that she’ll move soon from being very close to his crotch, but it didn’t really matter for it caused no reaction whatsoever from him. “Am I not attractive enough for you?”

“No, no, god, no. This—“ Seungri made a vague gesture pointing to Lisa’s whole body, “—is great. And this—“ he wavered his hands on top of Lisa’s chest without touching them, “—is just perfect, but it’s not— it’s just not doing it for me.”

On top of him, Lisa rolled her eyes. “Are you seriously pulling “it’s not you, it’s me” card to me? Now?”

“But it is me! I—“ His voice faded away, struggling to find the right way to say that he had finally discovered his answer.

He isn’t gay. Wait, no, let him rephrase that. It doesn’t matter if he is. Not anymore. 

It really doesn’t matter if he’s attracted to men or women. As of now, as he already tested both waters, the only conclusion he could drew —after having the same exact reaction when kissing Lisa and when that man kissed him earlier— was that he really wasn’t attracted to any of them but one.

Men, women— who cares about gender? Heteroual, homoual, biual— god, who cares about these labels? Seungri’s only into one person.

“I’m just— so sorry. You’re great. Again, all of this, amazing. Ten out of ten. One in a million. It’s just that—“ Seungri smiled apologetically as he continued, “—it’s just— if only I’m not crazy for someone.”

“That person must be bomb, then, ‘cause you’re refusing a snack like me.” Lisa joked while Seungri choked.

When he could speak again, Seungri grinned as he did. “You’re a snack, alright, but he’s a whole damn meal.”

“Wow—“

The front door flung opened, startling the both of them, but it’s not until Seungri saw who was it that rammed his door that Seungri jumped onto his feet after practically throwing Lisa off of his lap. Lisa yelped in pain but Seungri couldn’t care less about her now. 

He got a bigger fish to fry.

Ji—jiyong?! 

As their locked eyes with each other, Seungri noticed Jiyong’s full of concern eyes turned darker as that man glanced at the both of them analytically. Jiyong gazed at Lisa again and Seungri followed his eyes this time, only realising now the absolute mess he’s in. 

No, no, no, no- “Wait, no, Ji— this is not what it seems—“ 

Jiyong didn’t believe him, clearly in distraught as he took a step back when Seungri took a step a closer.

“Ji— let me just—“

Seungri’s heart was already aching with the forced distancing, but it’s the broken chuckle from Jiyong that officially broke it.

“...must’ve been a prank,” Jiyong muttered and Seungri wanted to scream so bad that it’s not, but the front door being slammed shut silenced him.

“That’s the one?” Lisa asked after it felt like a thousand years of stillness.

Seungri didn’t reply —couldn’t reply— as he rushed to his kitchen sink to puke again.

*****

The first thing Seungri did the next morning was calling Jisoo.

Why, you asked? Jisoo wasn’t the one Seungri needed to talk to after last night? Jisoo wasn’t the one who walked away in pain, leaving him in a greater pain because of the misunderstanding that happened yesterday?

You’re right. You’re so right, but the thing was, the one who he really needed to talk to, to explain things to, to beg forgiveness from, wasn’t picking up his calls. 

Seungri has been calling him since last night, but none of his 20 or so calls were answered. By the 21st, the other line wasn’t even ringing anymore. There’s only an operator voice saying the number couldn’t be reached, which basically translated to “yeah he’s not answering you so go yourself”.

Seungri really could “go himself” but he ran to the penthouse instead because logically —or illogically, depends on whether you’re a normal person or not— that’s what he thought he was supposed to do. Surprisingly —or unsurprisingly, again, depends on whether you’re smart or not— Jiyong didn’t wanna meet him. Jiyong wasn’t even there. By the time Seungri got there, Jiyong wasn’t even home. 

When asked, one of the maids told him they couldn’t tell —yeah, that one maid hated him— but the other one already blurted out Jisoo’s name, so Seungri went home, considering to call Jisoo at fifteen minutes past 3 in the morning, but he figured he should wait till the morning because he knew he didn’t need more people hating on him that night, so he did, and now he’s more anxious than ever while waiting for Jisoo to answer.