Christmas is right around the corner and Jaejoong doesn’t quite know where the time had gone. 

It felt like yesterday that he had just begun a new semester, had an entire medical and mental break down that later found him dropping out and deciding it was time for a change. 

It wasn’t actually yesterday, but the days had bled into weeks and then into months, just a few of them. The almost fall chill is gone from the air, replaced by Winter in a full joyous, early swing as December flies by.  

Yesterday was practically the first, he thinks... Except his phone claims it is actually the 18th. 

Yunho, he’s discovered, does not take off for the holidays, much to the chagrin of his parents, but Jaejoong had been offered vacation... three weeks of it if he wanted. The problem is, he doesn’t quite know what he would do if he took the time off. Sit at home by himself, for at least ninety percent of it.  Maybe he would visit with Junsu- but he isn’t sure how much time he would want to take up of his friends’... 

And what would his excuse be pertaining to family? 

He supposes he’s avoided Solar long enough... His niece keeps asking after him, but the issue with ignoring something until it goes away is that some things just... don’t. 

Solar still calls but he doesn’t answer. Occasionally the call is preceded by a text, one with not so vague threats about having a heart and making a child cry for no reason. He answers, if he receives a text first, and he dutifully sits on the phone for upwards of forty minutes while a little girl accidentally makes him feel like he’s ‘this’ big. 

It’s wrong and maybe even cruel but Jaejoong doesn’t know what else to do. He’s not fit to take her for any period of time, he doesn’t think, and her parents accompanying her just... isn’t an option. Like at all. 

But... maybe soon. Maybe once he is back to normal... 

Because he’s tried, of course, he tried so much but at the end of the day... Some things? They just aren’t meant for Jaejoong. 

Being an omega? Certainly, it wasn’t meant for him and he’s certain even the universe agreed.  

Jaejoong stopped taking his suppressants like he was instructed. He had gone into heat- which was a somewhat awkward and would have been entirely unbearable experience had he not had an alpha nearby... 

But after that? 

There was nothing, really. He didn’t feel more balanced or centered, there was no magical coming into himself that left him feeling complete or even normal. He wasn’t any calmer, any more relaxed... 

In fact, he was pretty certain his mood swings had been terrible. Up and down and left and right and backwards, backwards, backwards always backwards. 

The omega had gotten to a point where he wondered when it would prevent him from working.   

And although it had taken a while, several weeks, it had still happened. The dam of sorts had finally broken and Jaejoong had had an epic melt down that had found him locking himself in a janitors closet and having a panic attack. 

At the end of the day (quite literally) it had been Yunho to find him, too.  He’d shattered several light bulbs stocked on one of the utility shelves, had torn apart a bunch of packages of napkins in an effect to clean the blood from his hands and then floor and the door... 

The pair of them had then proceeded to take two days off from work, granting them a four-day weekend that none of the other workers ever got. 

It had been enough; something had needed to change and even Yunho seemed to tentatively agree.  

The alpha had suggested a therapist, but Jaejoong had had his own plans. 

If he had, perhaps, allowed the alpha to get the impression that he’d started skype sessions with a therapist... well, so be it. He only felt mildly disgusted with himself over it once in a while (like anytime being a lying piece of trash crossed his mind). 

At the end of the day, the blonde was indeed doing well. He was doing so much better, and he’d been praised for doing better, looking healthier. Talking didn’t do any of that, it couldn’t. 

His alarm goes off at 4:45 in the morning, but Jaejoong is already up, so his fingers are pressing the screen just as soon as the first noise begins to cascade over the silence. He’s not been sleeping much, but that too is fine because Yunho keeps busy and there is plenty of things he can fill the time he should be sleeping with. 

He’s up and out of bed seconds later, stretching his arms above his head as he makes his way to the bathroom, stripping out of his pajamas along the way. 

Jaejoong doesn’t flinch as he eyes himself in the mirror he finally replaced, head cocked to the side. If he squints, he can still make out some of the faint scars that litter his torso here and there. Most of them are on his back, though, in fact he’s pretty sure all of the ugly ones are, but they’re all faded. Pale, off white and raised, practically invisible against his skin as long as he doesn’t tan which... he never does. 

He’s humming as slides open the medicine cabinet and picks up one of the transparent brown bottles sitting inside. The label had been scratched and peeled off, leaving a stickiness behind that attempts to cling to his palm but he shakes it off as he dumps a few pills, six of them, into his palm and tosses them back dry. Perhaps he coughs a little as the coating attempts to stick on the way down, but the vague feeling of being choked passes quickly.  

If anyone knew, he’s pretty sure they would be angry but... Well, it’s his life at the end of the day. 

And Jaejoong finally feels normal again, mostly. He doesn’t flinch every time someone looks his way or brushes past him and that is what he needs. He’s not afraid to be loud or playful. 

He doesn’t need to be an omega with a bunch of pointless hormones and endorphins rushing his system because of an alpha... even if he so happens to like said alpha.  

It just... it doesn’t work. 

Sure, Yunho had been there, he’s always there as soon as Jaejoong so much as opens his mouth and he knows that... but the problem is that one day, Yunho won’t be there. He just knows it, the alpha is going to get sick of him or some pretty alpha female or handsome alpha male will walk by and Yunho will realize they are what he wants... 

Then where will he be? 

So really, he’s just... future proofing.... to spare everyone the trouble. 

----- 

“You did not drag me out at the crack of dawn for this, you didn’t,” Jihye complains, shoulders slumping slightly as she curls further in on herself. 

It is freezing out, the sky is white and foggy and the weatherman said it was going to snow maybe even all day, so she doesn’t see why they are outside at all. 

“It’s 9 o’clock...” 

“You did not drag me out at the crack of 9 a-ing-m-” but Yunho is hardly listening, something seems to have caught his eye given the way the man practically sprints away from her... 

In his nice Italian dress shoes, on the damp slightly icy sidewalks maybe she is even begrudgingly impressed.  

She doesn’t rush, because she refuses, but as she sidles up next to her brother, not to subtly attempting to leech warmth from him, she can’t help but stare into the window display. She has no idea what pieces exactly have caught the man’s eye, but still, she rolls her eyes slightly. 

“Cartier, of course,” Jihye grumbles, “Shopping for a certain ome-” 

“Shut up,” Yunho commands without hesitating, “You’re not here for commentary.” 

“Oh? Then why am I here, brother mine?” 

“Everyone knows you’re engaged... nobody will think twice about you prowling around a jewelry store,” when he says it that way, she feels vaguely like she’s been insulted. 

Yet Jihye can admire the cunning behind it, “I’ll have you know... I do not prowl.” 

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