“He’s going to be okay,” Noeul murmurs in an attempt to make herself feel better. Because she knew Baekhyun’s road back to feeling okay again was a long one.

Luhan glances at the door worriedly. “I think he should at least eat something. When was the last time he left his room?”

Noeul shakes her head. “I’m not sure what to do, Lu. I’m really worried, but I know how grief feels. I know he doesn’t want us to baby him.”

Luhan snorts. “No one said anything about babying him. Be his girlfriend, Noeul. I’m gonna go look for food. You talk to him.” He emphasizes you as he points at her with an expectant look.

Noeul sighs. It’d been one week, and school began today. She didn’t want to rush him out of his safety bubble at all, but they were seniors. They could hardly bear to put their lives on pause. But Baekhyun deserved a break. He should have time to mourn without anyone pushing their expectations on him.

Junmyeon already explained the situation to the school board, and they seemed understanding enough.

She raps her knuckle gently on the door. There’s no answer, but Noeul pushes in any way. Baekhyun is lying on his side, faced away from her. She stares at his back for what seems like a really long time in silence, contemplating how and what to say to him.

“I can hear you all talk about me.” His voice startles her.

Noeul nears him, sitting down on his bedside. She tucks her hand together, feeling nervous. “Sorry, we’re just worried about you.”

Baekhyun doesn’t answer.

“Baekhyun, when my mother died—I heard my father in an argument with Ms. Herman. He questioned why I was acting so off, which was funny at the time. My father never attempted to get to know who I was. So, when he complained and threatened to ship me off to a mental facility, Ms. Herman scolded him.”

Noeul releases a despairing laugh. “Funny how his mistress was the one who talked sense into him. She was the reason he put off abandoning me. So what I wanted to say is that I wasn’t allowed to grieve, Baekhyun. My mourning period was cut short because I needed to look strong for my father. He couldn’t deal with my mother’s death. And the reason for his abandonment was because he never tapped into that grief. Never handled it properly. I’m not saying you'll ruin something if you continue to wallow, but I need you to know that it’s okay to be sad. It’s not, however, okay to sacrifice your health because you think you’re undeserving. You can be sad while you eat. You can be sad while you wash your hair. Sad while you're brushing your teeth. But no one is telling you to put on your grown-up pants.”

Noeul rubs his back gently. And then he turns to her, the rim of his eyes red and filled with tears.

“I should’ve been dead,” he whispers. “If I hadn’t fought so damn hard every day to breathe, I would’ve been gone. And that thought—“ His voice breaks. “I feel like I failed her. By being here. I shouldn’t be allowed to ing live while she suffered for months. By herself.”

Noeul’s mouth dries.

His eyes focus somewhere in the far distance. “Do you think Sohyun died alone? Do you think I should be happy ever again, Noeul? Do I deserve to love another person, knowing that they’ll eventually just leave me?”

Noeul can’t answer a single one of his questions, and her heart breaks for him. It breaks once, twice—and many more times. For each question she couldn’t give him an answer to. For the disorder that she was selfishly hiding from him. For feeling, despite everything that has happened in what seems to be a continuous show, glad that Baekhyun was still alive.

Because she loved him so much. The guilt of loving him so ing selfishly, knowing she’d only hold him back. Because, for once, he deserved to feel happiness as something permanent. Not momentarily. It certainly didn’t exist in life with her.

Noeul bites her bottom lip to keep herself from crying. She pulls herself on top of him, kissing him. He kisses back, tasting like salt and sadness.

She pulls off his shirt, watching as her own tears fall onto his chest. But she wipes her own away, willing herself to stop crying. She pulls off her own shirt, and they fall into a comfortable rhythm. She would only allow herself one more selfish moment.

He was inside of her, moving slowly. Just the two of them loving each other in silence. In tears. And in vain. As she tried to focus on how he felt—as she tried to memorize the sound of his breathing, the ache in her chest never subsided. It only grew.

In the end, she wasn’t able to stop herself from crying. Noeul never felt more like a monster than she did at that moment.

She knew what to do. The answer, whether she liked it or not, was as clear as day.

###

Noeul couldn’t sleep. Her sleeping pills didn’t work. They didn’t shut off her mind, so she’d been conscious the entire night.

Kris was terribly sad this morning when she told him what she planned to do, but he gave her a hug nonetheless. She didn’t know how much she’d needed it. She cried until hurt. Until she couldn’t think straight anymore.

Her day hadn’t gotten any better when she stepped into the school. Noeul could just feel the tense atmosphere in the hallway.

She hadn’t gone far, but she knew something was strange when her classmates exchanged looks with each other and whispered among themselves.

She heard her name in their conversations. Noeul walks toward her locker, attempting to ignore the looks and go on with her day.

“Hey, spastic.” A loud voice booms from down the hallway.

Noeul frowns, turning to Lucas who has a sick grin on his face. “Excuse me?”

Lucas strides up to her. “Does Byun know you’re terminally ill? I don’t think he’ll be too happy to come back to school to find out that his little girlfriend is sick and I’ll do you one better—the entire student body knows.”

Her mind goes blank. Noeul gasps, attempting to try to regulate her breathing. She tries to count to ten, but all she can think about is the situation. How ed everything is.

She clenches and unclenches her fist, sinking down onto the floor because god knows if she can stand any longer.

“Hey! Eyes away. Back to class, now!” Junmyeon’s voice is somewhere in the distance.

Junmyeon crouches to her level, holding her by the shoulder as he repeats her name several times.

“How does—“ She cries. “How do they know? I thought I—“

“Oh god, is she okay?” Another voice. Too many voices. Noeul’s head is spinning. From the lack of sleep. From everyone knowing her entire ing business.

“Bianca, honey, I need you to go to cl—“

“But I need to see if she’s okay! She’s my sister.”

Noeul feels Bianca’s eyes on her. “Noeul, please don’t be mad. Please, you have to know that—that I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Her panic dissolves almost as quickly as the anger that takes its place. “You did this? How the did you find out?”

Bianca stumbles back when Noeul practically leaps to her. “I—Mom had gone to check on the old house and she found the letter from your doctor. I swear, Noeul, I don’t know what had gone over me. I—“

“Congratulations, Bianca. You finally have one thing over me. How do you feel?”

Junmyeon steps in to pull Noeul away, but she shoves him off of her.

“T-terrible. I didn’t know it would be this—“

“Bad? Actions have ing consequences, Bianca! Just like when my father ed your mother and you were the result. you, Bianca. That was the only thing—the only thing I had! You have everything you could ever wish for. My father’s affection. A ing mother. So why take the only thing I ever had?”

Bianca sobs, but Noeul could give less of a . “I don’t have everything! You have Baekhyun. And I was so hurt. I didn’t know what I was lacking compared to you. Why he chose you over me. He only ever had his eyes on you. I’m not stupid. For ’s sakes, and you’re...ill.”

Noeul cackles loudly. What do you know? She finally lost it. “Well, good for you, Bianca. FYI, I’m ill not dying any time soon. I’m sure you wish to see me dead, but newsflash, Bianca, I’ll die of old ing age. So you can kiss my ing . Because I detest you, and I wish you were never born. Okay? Die. Just die.”

“God—“ Junmyeon groans, clutching his head. “Bianca, she doesn’t mean any of it, please don’t—“

Bianca storms away, her sobbing disappearing with her.

Noeul smiles. She must’ve lost a few screws. her life.

Junmyeon levels a look at her. “Noeul.”

“No,” she retorts. “Don’t ing patronize me. I meant every word I said. That was my secret, Junmyeon! That was my secret to tell, not hers. But it doesn’t matter anymore, does it? I’m ing leaving anyway.”

He pauses. “What?”

“I talked to my counselor last week. I have enough credits to graduate early. I got it worked out with UCSF's admission office. I’m leaving.”

“Noeul, you don’t want to do this. You can’t just run away.”

“And? What about it? Why can’t I run away? Tell me, Junmyeon. Tell me what’s so wrong with choosing to run away. I never got a choice! Not once in my life. My mother killed herself. She didn’t give me a choice when she tried to drown me with her, did she? And what about my father? He abandoned me. He never gave me a choice to be his daughter. And Parkinson’s on top of ADHD? Did you think I got to pick and choose which sickness to have? I’m tired, Junmyeon. For once, let me make my own goddamn decisions.”

Between the two of them, Noeul doesn’t know who’s crying harder. There’s nothing left in her chest to break, but it hurts so much that she doesn’t know how much longer she can take it. Every breath is another strain. Another weight to bear.

Junmyeon’s trembling hands grab hers. “What about Baekhyun?”

Noeul shakes her head, pulling her hand away. “Don’t you get it? There is no future for us. I love him so ing much that seeing him in pain kills me. Do you think he’ll be happy when he has to worry about whether the progression of my disease will affect our future plans? Do you think he’ll be happy if I miss our wedding because who knows what could happen to me? Do you think he’ll be happy if I’m not even sure I can have a child with him because it could potentially kill me? He should be with someone that has a ing life to give! He took care of his mother and his sister for almost his entire life. I don’t want to be another person he has to hold himself back for. He has dreams, Junmyeon. I can’t—I can’t watch the life die from his eyes. Call me hypocritical all you want. I gave us a try, but I can’t be selfish anymore. I refuse to embody my parents. I won’t.”

[a/n] lo behold, i made myself cry so i'm most likely making you guys cry as well. this was so painful to write. jesus. i know your guy's first thought is to blame noeul. and be angry at her, but please don't. please see it from her shoes. her life just ing so much. if you are angry with her, then that just means i did my job. just don't swear her out lol. she's only a teenager with the world against her.

so yes. now you know why it took me so long to write janus :(