“Time to commence the trip!” Luhan bellows at the top of his lungs. Baekhyun can hear him all the way from Noeul’s room behind closed doors. He doesn’t hide the visible wince when he’s woken up.

“Does he ever shut up?” He groans, digging his face into Noeul’s neck. He loves how she smells. Just like marshmallows. And though, Junmyeon threatened to stab holes in his bike, he’d find a way to sneak over every now and then. The nights when the nightmares would especially be bad, he would wake up in the middle of the night, heaving for air—shaken by the haunting images of his mother’s dead eyes.

But when he turns over, just the sight of Noeul sleeping curled on her side calms the storm in his chest. He would wrap his arms around her, feeling her move closer to him and blowing soft air on his skin. He counted her breathing, waiting, and then, the worst of the night was long over.

Noeul’s quiet chuckles vibrate against his cheeks. “Come on, baby. You gotta get up.”

Baekhyun stopped by an hour ago when she was in the middle of last-minute packing. He would have stayed over last night if it wasn’t for Luhan’s big mouth. But nevertheless, he’d weasel his way onto her bed and ended up falling asleep. He didn’t get much sleep last night when Luhan kept him up with his constant antics.

“What’s wrong with staying here?” He complains, squeezing her tighter.

“Sehun and Junmyeon planned this trip out of goodheartedness. We can’t just not go,” she reasons, rubbing his back.

Baekhyun makes a face, showing her that she had indeed won. “Fine. Whatever.” He detaches his limbs from hers and obnoxiously takes up all the room on her bed. Noeul gets up with a shake of her head.

“I don’t remember you being so whiny,” Noeul announces, hands on her waist.

Baekhyun snorts indignantly. “I don’t remember you being my mother.”

She rolls her eyes. “Baekhyun.”

“I’m not taking anything back.”

Noeul and Baekhyun have their fights, but the fights served to strengthen their relationship. Though, this one had appeared out of nowhere.

“Fine. You can stay there for all I care,” she says, trying to appear nonchalant with a wave of her hand.

Her flippant attitude pisses him off all the more because he catches her arm, and under a minute, she’s pressed flat on her back.

Baekhyun immediately feels regret for being rough with her. He recoils at the murderous glint in her eyes.

“And I don’t remember it being ever okay to pick up your father’s bad habits,” she snaps, getting up briskly.

Baekhyun is angered by what she says, but at the same time, he kind of deserved it. He opens his mouth to say something. Anything.

But she interrupts him, “don’t touch me like that again.”

Then, she leaves him alone, bristling straight out the door.

Baekhyun sighs, running a rough hand through his hair. . He’d done it now.

Luhan whistles as Baekhyun closes Noeul’s door behind him. “What do you want?”

The latter doesn’t look fazed by his anger in the slightest. “To your . Obviously, I’m here to counsel your relationship, dumbo.”

Baekhyun ignores him, brushing shoulders with the boy. “Stay out of my business.”

“Hey, keep that up and you’ll find yourself a-l-o-n—“

Oh, Baekhyun knows. He knows that too well, but he couldn’t very well stop himself from hurling regretful words at Noeul.

He’d been the cowardly one between the two of them. Afraid that she’d eventually choose to abandon him no matter what cause. That the memories between them would be nothing but dust in the near future.

###

Baekhyun could only describe breakfast as awkward. The silence that continues to drive him insane by the seconds.

Noeul didn’t so much spare a glance at him. She was, of course, rightfully angry. Luhan had taken the seat beside her, and Baekhyun guesses it was at her request.

Junmyeon, on the other hand, had looked miserable. Like he needed to sleep for a thousand years more, but even that wouldn’t satiate him.

“This is why, ladies and gentlemen, we do not procrastinate,” Sehun announces, sparing a pitiful glance at his brother.

Noeul snorts, “well, at least you finally submitted the grades for our test from last quarter.”

Luhan shakes his head. “You would think that with all that brain capacity, he would be somewhat organized.”

Junmyeon ignores them. “Baekhyun, you’ve been quiet.”

Everyone’s attention is now on him. Great. But Noeul pretended not to notice. Also, great. He holds back a long drab sigh. “Just tired.”

“You’re a soccer player. You have the stamina of a horse,” Junmyeon quips.

Luhan’s eyes flash with schemes. “They had their first big fight.”

Sehun looks extremely concerned, but he seems to pay more attention to Noeul. “What did he do?”

Junmyeon projects Baekhyun’s defensiveness. “Hold on. Why are you accusing Baek of starting it?”

Luhan’s eyes dance between Baekhyun and Noeul. “What’s this? The Trojan war?”

“Dr—“ Baekhyun stops, remembering what Junmyeon had reminded him a million times. “I mean. Junmyeon, it’s okay.”

But, the older man doesn’t as so much listen when he says, “both of you spill.”

Noeul crosses her arms. “I’m not telling you anything. Frankly, I don’t think it’s any of your business.”

Baekhyun narrows his eyes at her. “Noeul, stop taking it out on him.”

“Don’t Noeul me, Baekhyun,” she spats. “Not until you apologize.”

Baekhyun slams his utensils down on the table. “I’ll apologize for being forceful with you, but not for what I said. Now, you apologize.”

Sehun interjects, “you did what? Did you touch her?”

Noeul groans, “not like that—“ But upon realizing that she took his side, she glares at particularly nothing. “You know what? this. I’m not apologizing. You started this.”

Baekhyun huffs. “Then, I’ll go. You stay.”

Her nostrils flare at the challenge. “Why should I stay, you entitled asshat?”

This is when Baekhyun gets really angry. “You always do this.”

“Do what?”

“Get ing personal. You know me. So, you know where it really hurts, and hell, you’ll say anything to get on top. You’re so ing prideful, Noeul. Shouldn’t you, out of all people, know that I would never personally attack you?”

Noeul laughs shallowly, and she opens to retaliate, but she closes it. Baekhyun knows that he hit the nail. He’d known that whenever they fought, she was the one who always spewed personal attacks.

Baekhyun wouldn’t pretend that he was a saint, but he promised himself he’d never stoop that low ever again. He’d never use her family against her, but Noeul wouldn’t hesitate.

And maybe that was why the space was good for them because when he would think that he’d gotten closer to her, she’d be further than they started.

All this family bull. The fostering. Noeul’s happiness. He felt left behind, and Baekhyun knew. He’d known he was being a selfish prick for infringing on her happiness, but when? Just when would she finally get enough of him and leave?

Years of abandonment. He hadn’t known how to be honest with his insecurities, especially because it embarrassed him.

Baekhyun was being such a ing child. He was throwing a tantrum, yet he couldn’t stop.

Junmyeon hadn’t said anything because the elder must’ve realized that this was between the two of them to resolve. No amount of mediation would have either of them open up.

Truthfully, both continued to hide behind their bravados. Yet, neither of them was brave enough to face their monsters—to finally stare down at those ugly faces and admit the truth.

Baekhyun never felt ready especially since happiness hadn’t been something he experienced long-term. A part of him doubted that he deserved any of this.

A home. Adults that cared. A brother. And most of all, Noeul.

###

Sitting through the ride to Junmyeon’s cabin hadn’t been an easy one. After the tension blew up in all of their faces, no one had the strength to speak up.

Maybe apart from Luhan, but after several failed attempts to make everyone laugh, he’d resorted to sleeping. Baekhyun found himself envying Luhan.

It was probably how easily Luhan was able to cope with his life. How Luhan could smile after knowing how narrow his future had been. He hadn’t hated Luhan, but it was more so, the hatred he had for himself.

Baekhyun hated how childish it all seemed now in hindsight. He should apologize, but somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to forgive Noeul for bringing his father up.

The entire car ride was three hours, and in those three hours, everyone did their own thing. Sehun drove the whole time, and Junmyeon graded a stack of papers he’d brought along.

Noeul continued to ignore him as she listened to music, facing the window. In the middle seat, Luhan was still asleep—his heavy head resting against Baekhyun’s shoulders.

When Sehun had mentioned cabin, an image of a small, wooden house was what he had in mind. This was nothing like the quaint, little cabin in his imagination.

Baekhyun was in awe of the house before him. The two-story house was in the style of Tudor, influenced by England. Every brick that was in the foundation was placed elaborately—wood used as decorative trims. Those same decorative trims were half-timbered, paneling the whole front of the house. The windows, often in a set of three were cased. Apart from that, it hadn’t been a cabin. It was too sophisticated. He’d wholly underestimated Junmyeon’s wealth.

Sehun waves him over to help with Luhan’s wheelchair. Baekhyun had a feeling that the man could very well lift the wheelchair by himself and that there had been another reason.

But he didn’t protest. As he got closer, Sehun pats him on the arm. “Sorry about earlier. I realized that it hadn’t been my place to put myself between you two.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widen. He didn’t expect this at all. In fact, he wasn’t sure how to feel about Sehun. At the very beginning, Baekhyun had a feeling that Sehun wasn’t too fawn of him.

But he was proven wrong when Sehun nudges him, “you know—you two aren’t very sleek. I can guess that you’re always over.”

Baekhyun tries not to let his reddened cheeks become too obvious.

Sehun chuckles, “you idiots fight like cornered animals, but you know what? Fighting like that means loving more intensely.” He scratches the back of his nape, wrinkling his brows. “So what I mean to say is—don’t let it go for too long. Pride is a selfish reason. And, Baekhyun, you’re always welcome over. So, quit sneaking through her window and come through the front door.”

“I—“ Baekhyun swallows. “Thank you.”

The man tsks. “Sheesh, did I give off too much dad vibes? I’m trying to not be too much like Junmyeon. He’s like the second coming to—“

At the mention of Junmyeon, Sehun is smacked in the back of his head. Junmyeon glances at the two of them with disdain. “How about less talking and more brute force? What do you have those guns for? I hope it’s not just for show.”

Baekhyun and Sehun exchange an amused look. “Okay, Dad.”

Junmyeon pauses, steering a horrified look between him and Sehun. “Did he just call me dad?”

But Baekhyun doesn’t bother answering, his rugged grin had been enough. He pushes the assembled wheelchair toward Luhan who merely snarks, “I thought my hair would turn white by the time you were done.”

Baekhyun flips him off, but nonetheless, helps Luhan onto the wheelchair. “Oh, really? And here I’d thought that you already resembled a prune.”

Luhan clicks his tongue. “Prove it.”

Baekhyun plucks the strand of white right in the crown of the latter’s head. “There you go, loser.” But he doesn’t wait for Luhan to wring his neck as he’d already taken off.

He hears Luhan cursing behind him, threatening to castrate him but instead of irritation, Baekhyun’s grin was unmistakable.

###

Everyone had retired to their assigned rooms, and Baekhyun still didn’t catch a glimpse of Noeul. His anger had long turned into guilt. He kept wondering if he’d taken it too far. Day turns into evening and the evening sky eventually darkened.

By ten PM, sleep didn’t come despite the exhaustion taking a toll on him. Baekhyun had seen a pier earlier when Junmyeon gave him a tour of the estate. Junmyeon explained to him that this estate was the first thing Junmyeon had purchased for himself once he began making money. It was meant to be a getaway for all the stress in his life—the pressure of keeping up with his ingenuity.

As Baekhyun hiked up the little hill, leading to the private pier, he heard a noise behind him. Whipping around, he finds Noeul also trekking along. To his surprise, she meets his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” He questions grimly.

“To make sure you don’t mysteriously drown,” Noeul answers, finally catching up to him.

They continue to walk in silence, and Baekhyun says, “if I had, wouldn’t you be the first suspect?”

A teeny, tiny smile curves onto her lips. Baekhyun’s shoulders relax. “I was going to apologize, and now, you don’t deserve one.”

Baekhyun lifts an eyebrow. “I don’t?”

Noeul sighs. “I’m stubborn, and I hate being wrong.”

“And?”

“I’m sorry for what I said about your father. You were right about personal attacks. I can’t win against you, Baekhyun. That’s why I can’t help but say things I don’t mean.”

He crosses his arms. “That’s not an excuse.”

“It’s not,” Noeul adds. “I’ll try—I promise I’ll do better. But…you have to be honest with me as well.”

Baekhyun releases a long sigh. “I’m sorry too. For being resentful. Deep down, I’m just a coward. You deserve to feel peace, and I have no right to drag you with me.”

“Bae—“

He shakes his head. “The truth is, I’m afraid. I’ll always be afraid of losing you. Of feeling like I don’t deserve any of this.”

“But you do,” Noeul insists. “I’m not sure why you think I’m not afraid of losing you too. I’m always afraid that this moment of peace—our everyday life—will be ripped away from me. Is it bad that I’m already prepared for it?”

Baekhyun fixes a hard look at her. “I won’t leave you, doll.”

Her smile is ambiguous. “I know you won’t, but at the same time, I don’t want to be responsible for holding you back.”

“Why would you ever decide that on your own?”

Noeul’s eyes have darkness in them. A sadness that he couldn't put a finger on. “I don’t know.” He has a feeling that she’s hiding something, but Baekhyun doesn’t want to push her. So, instead, he holds her, feeling relieved when she wraps her arms tight around him.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I’ll be here.

“Even if you find out I have eleven toes?” I’ll tell you when the time comes.

Baekhyun pulls back. “You have eleven toes?”

Noeul snickers, “no, it was a metaphor. Hold on. Would that change how you feel about me?”

“Obviously,” he jokes with a serious expression.

She jabs at his ribs. “I never knew you were so shallow.”

He dodges her next attacks. “I’d never date a troll.”

“Trolls don’t have eleven toes,” she peruses.

Baekhyun grabs her wildly thrashing arms. “You’re right. Trolls aren’t usually this beautiful.”

Noeul feigns dry-heaving. “Ew. Get away from me.”

Somehow, their tug-a-war of arms and legs ends up on the dock. Baekhyun’s smile is wide—plastered across his face when he watches Noeul laugh, the brilliant stars showing in her eyes.

Her gaze falls onto him, and her laugh falls away—only the sound of the faint ripple of the water from the lake remains.

He feels a fire stoke inside of him, blazing alive. A ravenous wanting echoing inside his chest. But Baekhyun doesn’t let the desire take control of him. Not yet.

He wants to continue to watch Noeul—the way her eyes softly caress over him. The way she makes him feel valid. Like for the first time, he’s his own person; yet, she’s his wholly undoing.

If he was her starboy, Noeul was gravity. The moon bounded to Earth. The very thing that held the planets in constant rotation.

His eyes fall to her hands—to the way she lightly touches him around the waist. Her fingers dip underneath the fabric of his shirt, lifting slowly. Painstakingly. And Noeul wants him to watch. To feel the build-up. To feel every bit of the patience she’d felt. She would wait for him, and hell, he’d wait for her too. Forever.

His shirt lifts further, revealing some skin. Then, more skin. And then, it’s gone—somewhere over his head.

Her eyes hold in the spot right over his heart. Baekhyun shivers, but not from the cold. Not from the breeze on his back.

Her nails graze over the black ink. She traces the skeleton boy, slowly outlining the arms that reach toward the night sky. A night sky with tiny stars that seem to float around the crescent moon.

“When did you get this?” Noeul asks, her breathing too quiet. Too delicate.

Baekhyun responds, “last year. As a reminder to live.”

Her laugh is quiet. Pained. Nevertheless, she lifts her legs until they’re around his waist. They’re flushed, but Baekhyun doesn’t feel trapped. The space dwindles. He watches the mole on her left cheek rise as the skin around them grows flush.

Noeul was always beautiful. She’d been intangible then, and now, she was here with her arms around his neck, playing with his baby hairs.

He leans in close until he stops, letting his lips ghost hers. The warmth in his chest grows like a tiny bud in a forest of sequoias. A tiny plant that had potential. Still so much to grow.

“Break me,” she whispers. Her words float and they meander in the space between the two of them.

Baekhyun wants to laugh at the irony, but he doesn’t. Instead, he answers earnestly, “I wouldn’t care if loving you destroyed me.”

In an instant, like a supernova burning hot—finally exploding. Their lips collide, but he’s surprised because he hadn’t been the one to initiate the kiss. Not that he cared.

Noeul shifts her weight until he’s the one on his back. She straddles him, never breaking their kiss. Her lips are warm and wet and she’s bold with .

Though her hands are bolder as they reach to tug down his shorts. And he lets her, lifting himself. One by one. Their clothes are stripped away.

Forgotten.

Baekhyun indulges himself, letting his eyes memorize the lines of her body. The sounds she makes. The way she squirms on top of him.

He forgets everything. Letting her steal a breath. Then, another breath and the next until his lungs are full of her. His chest is so full. His mind so clear of inane thoughts. It certainly hadn’t been a panic attack. Something in his mind clicks.

Love.

Baekhyun figures it out. He lets the realization wash over him. He’s never felt this way for anyone. An emotion so clear—so binding. Yet, unexpectedly, he isn’t scared or deterred.

He holds her tighter, hearing her breath catch.

Then, she gently lifts herself until she sinks and he feels her everywhere. Baekhyun exhales, feeling the tightness of his own breathing. It coils from the tension.

The heat that blankets them.

He pushes the loose strands away from her face, but they stubbornly return. Her chuckles are feathery, tickling his chest. The desire to taste her pushes him up.

And Noeul is now on the wooden docks. Her eyes reflect the moonlight, and he finds himself whispering, “devastating.”

He hadn’t meant for anyone to hear it, but Noeul does and her response is to meet him halfway when he tilts his head.

And right before when their lips touch, she says, “the moon. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

And he understands. Though, his movements are slow and lazy. Each is deliberate. He’ll take as long as time allows him. Until he can convey it to her.

Baekhyun knows she’ll get it because she’s his Noeul. The only person who pushed back and reached inside of him, pulling any bit of darkness out until all that was left was a bandaid over his heart.

A heart that beats.