It is very stereotypical that Sooyoung realizes she’s in love with Seungwan at the hospital.  She recalls seeing this scene a thousand times in dramas growing up.  The bright-eyed hero rushes into the hospital and sees his heroine in a hospital bed, chest just barely rising and falling to the staccato sound of the heart monitor.  He gasps, almost falling to his knees as tears well up in his eyes.  In some iterations, he goes off to get revenge on whoever hurt his heroine.  In other iterations, he strides to her side and almost kisses her but true love kisses can be too fantastical for a drama.  Especially when one half of the couple is comatose.

 

 

But Sooyoung does none of those things.  She stands quietly by the door as the rest of her members trickle in, exchanging greetings with Seungwan who has a gauze patch over the right side of her face and an IV drip attached to her hand.  When it’s Sooyoung’s turn to say hello, Seungwan raises her head and those brown eyes soften.  Sooyoung knows she’s being dramatic but things tilt just a little and god has Seungwan always looked this beautiful, has she-

 

 

“Sooyoung-ah.  Hey.”

 

 

She blinks and realizes dimly that everyone is looking at her.

 

 

“I-I’m gonna use the restroom.”

 

 

Sooyoung turns so quickly that she hits her shoulder into the door but she doesn’t even really feel the pain as she briskly walks down the hall until she gets to the stairwell.  She slams the heavy door shut behind her and presses her back against its firm surface.  When she starts to feel something wet on her cheeks, Sooyoung curiously reaches up a hand and wipes at the tears.  She stands in the stairway for nearly an hour until she gets a call from Joohyun that their manager is coming to pick them up soon. 

 

 

She stares at her screen for a long time and she feels unable to move.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

There’s always been something about Seungwan that Sooyoung could never put her finger on.  Is she too nice?  Too talented?  Too perfect?  

 

 

But now she's wondering if maybe that something she couldn't put her finger on was a giant gay crush.

 

 

She moans and covers her face with her pillow.  It’s been a few days since the hospital and she hasn’t replied to any of Seungwan’s texts.  Sooyoung wishes she could just stew in her feelings and with the halting of promotions she’s able to do just that.

 

 

A knock breaks her from her thoughts.

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

“Yerim and I are going to visit Seungwan at the hospital.  Do you want to come?”

 

 

Sooyoung curls herself around her pillow and thoughtfully the soft fabric.

 

 

“Um… I don’t feel well.”

 

 

She bites her lip, listening to the resounding disappointment in Joohyun’s silence. 

 

 

“She’d really like it if you came.  You didn’t even say two words to her last time.”

 

 

“I said five, Unnie.”

 

 

Sooyoung’s grateful a door separates herself from Joohyun’s irritation.  She’d be fending off an annoyed swipe to her arm by now.

 

 

“Park Sooyouong… she really wanted to see you, you know.”

 

 

“She did see me, Unnie.”

 

 

“God, you make me so tired you little…” Joohyun grumbles and for the first time in days, Sooyoung giggles. 

 

 

“Just come when you’re ready, then.”

 

 

“Okay, Unnie.”

 

 

Sooyoung closes her eyes and listens to Joohyun pad away.  She imagines her leaning against the wall as she slips on her shoes with Yerim trailing behind her.  If this were a drama, the scene would cut to Seungwan in her hospital bed, staring at the smattering of unviewed messages to Sooyoung.  There’d be a knock on her door and Seungwan would straighten in surprise, hand clutching onto the phone too tightly.  A beat.  And then the door would open to reveal Joohyun and Yerim.  The disappointment would be evident in the smile that doesn’t quite reach Seungwan’s eyes.

 

 

But Sooyoung knows that isn’t what’s going to happen here.  She hugs her pillow to her chest and stares at the ceiling.  If she closes her eyes, she can hear the memory of Seungwan sleeping next to her in Slovenia, soft mumbles that had only been soothed by a gentle hand through dark hair.  Sooyoung huffs and clenches onto her pillow so tightly that her knuckles turn white.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

There is a memory Sooyoung tries to forget about, edged with the fondness of wishful thinking.  It had been early on when Red Velvet wasn’t quite famous enough to worry about wearing a mask all the time when going outside.  She and Seungwan had gone to a convenience store, giggling as they slapped several 1000 won bills on the counter to buy bags of snacks and popsicles.  They’d walked down the street, holding the bag between them while munching on their respective sweets.

 

 

“I didn’t think this would’ve been possible,” Seungwan had confessed softly, staring at the glittering lights of Seoul before them as they start to walk down a hill.

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“Coming here.  Doing this.  M-my parents wanted me to go to a big name school.  Major in something like computer science.  Singing was supposed to be a hobby.  A distraction.”

 

 

Sooyoung hums as she her popsicle with the flat of her tongue as Seungwan watches her.

 

 

“Were you afraid of coming here?”

 

 

“Of course I was!  I still am, I guess.  Afraid.”

 

 

Sooyoung pauses, popsicle still in .  They’re right under a street lamp and people brush by them like they’re no one.

 

 

“I think that’s normal.  To feel scared.  I feel like that sometimes, too.  It was expensive sending me to arts high school and putting me through training.  My parents took a risk with me and I don't want to disappoint them.”

 

 

“You don’t… regret it, right?”

 

 

Sooyoung shrugs as they continue walking, the bag of snacks swinging between them.

 

 

“Sometimes I do.  Like when y guys try to sneak a look up my skirt when I’m dancing.  But sometimes I get on stage and…”  Sooyoung pauses as she thinks of the indescribable feeling that fills her chest when she looks out over a crowd of people buzzing with anticipation, seconds before one of Red Velvet’s songs starts.  There’s nothing quite like it.

 

 

“Me too.  And anyway, I think if we were always happy about our lives it means we aren't being introspective enough.”

 

 

Sooyoung laughs at the comment and even before she glances at Seungwan, she knows they’re sharing matching smiles.

 

 

“You… you look really pretty,” Seungwan says suddenly, looking at the dark pavement as they walk back toward their dorm.

 

 

“Oh?”  Sooyoung preens at her usual compliment from the other girl.  “What part, Unnie?”

 

 

Sooyoung catches Seungwan eyes as they flick over her face for a long moment and Sooyoung hears her heart pound in her ears for no good reason.

 

 

“Your everything.”

 

 

Those words stay with Sooyoung for a long time.  She doesn’t sleep well that night as she stares at her ceiling and tastes melon popsicle melting together with Seungwan’s smile.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“A subunit?” Seungwan muses quietly as Seulgi and Joohyun nod earnestly.

 

 

“They want us to start filming for it in March.”

 

 

“Have you heard the song yet?”

 

 

“We did.  The demo sounds good.”

 

 

Sooyoung watches the scene unfold in front of her from her seat close to the door.  She pretends to be busy with her phone but really she’s peeking at Seungwan and her poor attempts to seem absolutely fine.  There’s a part of Sooyoung that wants to ask Seungwan to spit out the honest feelings welling up inside her.  But when the other woman makes eye contact with her, Sooyoung can’t think so she glances down and busies herself with her phone again.

 

 

“Well, I’m happy for you guys.  I’ll definitely stream the song when it comes out!”

 

 

“Seungwan-ah.”

 

 

Sooyoung shifts a little, debating whether to leave to give the three of them some privacy.  She starts to get up, stuffing her phone into her coat.

 

 

“You’re leaving?”

 

 

Sooyoung’s jaw clenches as she hears the undeniable tremble in Seungwan’s voice.

 

 

“You should discuss this between yourselves.  I’ll be waiting outside.”

 

 

“But you’ll come back.  Right?”

 

 

Joohyun is watching her closely as Sooyoung nods.

 

 

“Good.  Because I’ve missed you, Sooyoung-ah.”

 

 

Sooyoung stiffens but gives Seungwan a tight smile before running away again.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Holing up at her parent’s apartment isn’t an ideal way to spend a few months in her mid-twenties but the whole Covid-19 thing leaves her with little choice.  It is nice though to play with her dog and see her family longer than a brief stint during the weekend once every few months. 

 

 

And then for the first time in weeks she’s busy, rushing to get to the filming for Seulgi and Joohyun’s subunit variety show.  She’s messaging her manager about his ETA when she sees a call notification from Seungwan.  It’s been so long since they’ve called each other that she almost forgets what it feels like to press her phone to her ear and hear Seungwan’s voice through the static.

 

 

Hey, Sooyoung-ah.

 

 

“Oh, Unnie, hey.  What’s up?”

 

 

I’m just bored at home.  I have a physical therapy appointment later today.

 

 

Should I stop by later hangs on Sooyoung’s tongue.  A few months ago she probably wouldn’t have really asked.  But now she just thinks of Seungwan waiting on the other end of the line, her bobbed hair bleeding from dark brown to blonde, and she can’t find her words.

 

 

“Oh.  I see.  How are you doing these days, Unnie?” 

 

 

The same.  I miss seeing you guys every day.

 

 

“Really?”

 

 

Of course! Don’t you… don’t you miss me?

 

 

Sooyoung swallows hard, pausing as she reaches forward to press the down button on the elevator.  There is something young and vulnerable in Seungwan’s voice that makes it impossible not to match it.

 

 

“Of course, I miss you.  Unnie, I miss you so much I don’t… I can’t stand it sometimes.”

 

 

Sooyoung-ah.

 

 

She shakily exhales as she watches the numbers steadily rise on the elevator.  They have seconds before she has to hang up and fix her eye make-up. 

 

 

“I have to go.  But… can I see you soon?”

 

 

Yeah. Of course you can.  Let me know when you want to come over.  Or I can come over.  If you parents are okay with that since I know with the virus people can be-

 

 

“Unnie,” Sooyoung cuts in, laughter caressing the tail end of her interruption. 

 

 

Sorry.

 

 

Sooyoung thinks of how stereotypical it would be if she confesses here, right before she gets into an elevator so she can have her dramatic moment of crying alone for nearly twenty stories.

 

 

So instead she squares her jaw and smiles.

 

 

“I’ll call you later,” she promises Seungwan and herself.

 

 

Okay. 

 

 

“Okay.”

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Sooyoung watches Joohyun and Byulyi smile at each other as the crew pauses in filming. 

 

 

“Are they going to remember that we’re here, too?” Sooyoung mutters as she picks at the sneakers Seulgi gifted her.

 

 

“I can hear you,” Joohyun growls, not turning away from Byulyi who looks like she’d been about to show her something on her phone.

 

 

“Sorry, we were just talking about a game that we like.  I got Yongsun-unnie to play and I’m trying to get the rest of Mamamoo into it.”

 

 

“Really? Maybe we should have a member bonding activity too.”

 

 

“That’s called work, Unnie.  9 to 5 is enough bonding for me.”

 

 

Seulgi grins at Sooyoung and they watch Joohyun sigh dramatically.  Byulyi just chuckles and puts her phone back in her pocket.

 

 

“Speaking of members, is Seungwan doing okay?”

 

 

Joohyun’s smile gets a little tight but Seulgi just nods.

 

 

“Yeah, her parents are taking care of her.  She’s doing physical therapy and everything.”

 

 

“Good.  I remember when Yongsun-unnie hurt her back last year.  We had to visit her at the hospital and it was… horrible.”

 

 

Joohyun nods sympathetically and Byulyi and her exchange smiles.  Sooyoung sighs and tries to ignore the prickle of jealousy. 

 

 

“She’s getting better though.  We may even have a comeback later this year.”

 

 

“I hope so.  Maybe if our comebacks overlap we could see each other again.  Play more games?”

 

 

“Maybe.”

 

 

Byulyi whines as Joohyun giggles at the other woman’s crestfallen expression.  Seulgi laughs too, clearly happy that the two of them are getting along.  And Sooyoung tries to smile but she thinks of Seungwan and it ends up being lopsided.  She’s always hated the broody drama heroes but look what she’s become.

 

 

“Okay, ready everyone?” the PD calls out.  Sooyoung straightens in her seat, ignoring Byulyi nervously avoiding eye contact as Joohyun cards something out of her side bangs.

 

 

“Yep!”

 

 

Sooyoung settles into Joy as the cameras get ready and she pulls her megawatt smile from her pocket like it’s nothing.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Sooyoung stretches her legs as she watches Seungwan approach.  She’s a little slower walking over, her gait a bit unsteady.  But at least she can walk.  Sooyoung feels pride swell in her chest as she watches Seungwan.  She wants to hold her tightly against her chest and never let go.

 

 

“You’re early.”

 

 

“I didn’t want you to wait too long, Unnie.”

 

 

Seungwan smiles as she sits heavily onto the park bench, only wincing slightly.

 

 

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”  Sooyoung frowns as they look around at the people walking by, all hiding their faces behind white masks.

 

 

“I missed going outside.  It reminds me of when we’d take walks together, back at the old dorm.”

 

 

Sooyoung is grateful that her mask hides a blush she feels rising in her cheeks.  She peeks at Seungwan who is simply looking at her expectantly.

 

 

“Is there a reason you wanted to see me?  I thought we were planning to meet up next week with everyone at the dorm.”

 

 

“I wanted…” Sooyoung bites her lip as she thinks of drama heroes and anguished declarations of love under the flickering light of street lamps.  She’s never liked being a cliché but maybe for Seungwan it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

 

 

“I missed you,” she chokes out, ignoring how much she wants to look away when she meets Seungwan’s eyes.  Even with the mask, Sooyoung can see Seungwan’s smile in the softness around her eyes and the way her eyebrows crease together.  Swallowing, she reaches forward and grabs the limp hand in the other woman’s lap.

 

 

“You… missed me?  You saw me with everyone last week.”

 

 

Sooyoung clenches her teeth and feels a little exasperated by the confusion coloring Seungwan’s expression as her eyes dart from their hands to Sooyoung’s face.

 

 

“I missed seeing you every day.  Living with you every day.  Sometimes I’d wake up and still think you were in the dorm but I’d look for you and you weren’t there.”

 

 

Seungwan gently squeezes Sooyoung’s hand and she almost feels tears sting her eyes.

 

 

“I’m always a phone call away.”

 

 

“I-It’s not the same.  Unnie, I really missed you.”

 

 

Seungwan hums as she a careful thumb over the back of Sooyoung’s hand.  It’s instinctual for Sooyoung to scoot closer and drop her head against Seungwan’s shoulder.  She shivers a little when she nuzzles into the warmth of the other woman’s sweater.  When she inhales she is transported to every time Seungwan has held her like this, pulling her taller younger member against her and never letting go.

 

 

“Has our Sooyoungie been having a hard time?” is whispered warmly against the side of her head.  Even with the mask, Sooyoung can imagine Seungwan’s lips just barely grazing her hair.

 

 

“Yeah.  Yeah I have been.”

 

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there more to help.”

 

 

“You like this… you’re helping now more than you know, Unnie.”

 

 

Seungwan hums and squeezes Sooyoung’s hand gently.  Sooyoung feels anticipation spine at how close they are and she wonders if they were alone in the park what they would do.  But she still has to find all the courage she can muster to pull just a little away until her and Seungwan’s face are very close.  She tries to let herself accept how fast her heart is beating in her chest and how desperately she wants to lean in for that drama ending kiss.

 

 

When she sees Seungwan’s eyes flick down and then up in confusion, Sooyoung feels something uncoil in her chest.

 

 

“I can’t wait to be onstage with you again.”

 

 

Seungwan laughs a little awkwardly, the tension thick in the moment lessening bit by bit.

 

 

“Someone has to stop those y guys from looking up your skirt.”

 

 

“Unnie, you know that’s not why.”

 

 

Sooyoung squeezes Seungwan’s hand and thinks about drama leads and leaving an unsaid confession for years.  Park Sooyoung is too impatient for that ten year pining nonsense but for Seungwan she can wait for good timing.  When they’re back together again and the whole world isn’t in disarray over a pandemic.

 

 

“You’re pretty today, Park Sooyoung,” Seungwan murmurs.  Sooyoung pauses and really looks at Seungwan.  She could almost swear there are stars in her eyes with the way they’re shining. 

 

 

Maybe that confession will come sooner than she thinks.