They say when you love someone, you want them and resent them at the same time.

You want them to be by your side always, to hold them and shower them with love

But some other times, you’d resent them, for looking at the other way, for being occupied by things that hurts them the most. That’s what she felt, she wanted her but resent her for leaving too soon.

          “Taeyeon unnie? Are you okay? You’ve been crying.” It was Soojung’s voice and it sounded almost like her.

          “Are you having nightmare again?” Eunha pouted as she help Taeyeon stood up. Yes, it was just a dream, a dream that keeps replaying in her mind from time to time.

          “Guess you can call it a beautiful nightmare.” Taeyeon smiles, but it was sad.

          “Come on! We’re almost there.” Sinb opens the door. They’re aboard a private yacht to Cornwall Castle in England which Jessica bought years ago.

          “I’ll be out in a minutes, you guys go ahead.” Taeyeon motion to Soojung and Eunha which they hesitantly oblige. Yes, it’s been two years since Jessica passed away and one year ago the two Eunbi’s are happily married. Everything that happened in the venue was all in her dream, except the fact that she saw Jessica on Krystal’s hotel. The truth is, they both drunk themselves with the Eunbi’s on the honeymoon resort.

          With a loud sigh, Taeyeon headed to the bathroom and washed her face in the sink, staring at her reflection. She loved so hard, so deep that it’s burying her.

          Touching herself with light make up, she headed to the front deck to join the three ladies smiling as they approach the small island.

          “It’s beautiful.” Sinb said with a smile.

          “And so is the owner.” Eunha sadly smile. Sinb pull her closer for a hug.

          The yacht stop in a pier, there are few tourist walking around the isle and some caretakers greeted the four of them as they land.

          “Miss Jung, Miss Hwang, Miss Kim and Miss Jung.” Aeri, the head of the Security bowed followed by other security guard.

          “Aeri-sshi, nice to see you again.” Eunha smiles at Aeri who’d been taking care of the island since Jessica purchased it.

          “It’s been a while. And it seems that things have changed.” Aeri smiles but soon fades when her eyes landed to the urn the younger Jung was carrying.

          “Yes indeed.” Eunha smiles.

          “If you’re not that exhausted yet, I’ll lead the way?” Aeri scan their eyes and all four of them nodded their head.

          Jessica left a will of course, as if she knew she’ll end up dead on that table, she wanted her ash to be scatter in the highest building in the isle. She also left all four of them letters, two for Eunha one for the company shares and the other one was personal and for her wedding. The most important day of their lives.

          All four of them followed Aeri through the isle touring them, inhaling the fresh salty air and a feast of blue sea below and blue sky up above, a beautiful weather and almost perfect. Days will never be perfect since that day, not for them, at least. Castles stood for hundreds of years some maybe thousands, these walls witness the evolution, war, famine and even love may it be happy ending or tragedy.

          “And here we are, across these bridge is the tintagel castle. It’s Ms. Jung’s favorite view in the island.” Aeri finally stops in front of a bridge that connects to another mountain, below waves are crashing in the rocky shore, some are roaring and some are almost quiet. The castle is almost ruin but the view in the bridge sure must’ve catch the late CEO’s eyes.

          “I’ll be leaving you here then, take your time and enjoy the scene.” Aeri smiles before leaving them.

          “Thanks.” Soojung smiled back. They all exhaled loudly and look at each other before laughing.

          “Who would have thought unnie would actually buy this.” Soojung scratches her head trying to make everyone comfortable. She want this trip to be memorable not because they’re going to let Jessica go but because their together and they have to have fun.

          “She’s always attracted to cold.” Sinb rolled her eyes, playing along with Soojung.        

          “She’s the Ice Princess of the industry, what do you expect?” Eunha lightly smack Sinb’s shoulder.

          “It’s good thing we came here during summer. I can’t imagine going here during winter with padded clothes and fighting the cold.” Taeyeon shivers with the thought.

          They all stop in the middle of the bridge and look at each other silently. They all know they have to let go one way or another. Wanting her back and reliving the past can only hurt them and haunt them.

          “Aigoo, we spent too much money on making your will come true.” Soojung tried to fight back the tears.

          “That’s why we should have scatter them in Han River, she wouldn’t know anyway.” Taeyeon rolled her eyes.

          “I don’t want to face HellSica once I died, that’s like dying twice.” Eunha shake her head.

          “Me too.” Sinb shrugged.

          “That’s three for me.” Soojung stick her tongue out playfully at Taeyeon as she opens the urn.

          “We’ll be happy, together for you.” Eunha looks up at the sky.

          “We missed you.” Soojung added.

          “We’ll take care of each other, we know you’ll watch over us.” Sinb took Eunha’s hand and put her other one over Soojung’s shoulder and Taeyeon did the same, putting hers in Soojung’s shoulder before they gently pour the ashes out of the urn.

          They all watch as the wind took the ashes away before it lands to the sea and totally disappears. Now when the sea roars, nor calm, Jessica will remind them that every wave will crash but it will always come back.

          “I want to stay for a while, you go ahead.” Taeyeon smiles at the other three who was walking towards the ruins of the castle.

          “Fine, just make sure you won’t get whipped by the wind and fall.” Soojung smirks.

          “I won’t.” Taeyeon rolled her eyes and stares at them until there are only silhouette visible until they are totally gone. Taking a deep breathe, she took out an envelope from her coat pocket. Yes, she never read Jessica’s letter for her, she couldn’t bear the fact that the woman she wanted to love and feel loved from.

          My Dear Taeyeon,

                             Reading this, guess I really did run out of breath. Trust me, I fought it well and wanted to live and see you all again. What a shame I will never hear your corny jokes again or hear your ahjumma laugh and see your dorky yet pretty smile. What you were about to say that day which I cut off, I know. I just don’t want you to say it, I don’t want to hear it because I’m afraid I’ll change my mind to have a surgery if you said those words. If it’s what I thought it was, the feeling’s mutual then. You made my life from cold boring winter to colorful summer, exciting autumn and beautiful fall. It was indeed a beautiful fall, I never thought I’m capable of feeling these cheesy feelings other’s say in their poems or music. Since I left early, I’ll wait for you first then. In another life, if I had another chance to spend a lifetime with you, I will be the first one to say “I love you”.

                                                                                With Love, J

          Tears again betrayed Taeyeon that very moment as it rushes out of her eyes, but this time she never tried to stop it, she just let it flow, let it rain. How much it hurts, how much she wishes it was all just a nightmare. How she wishes she was still here beside her, smiling, laughing at her crying like a mess.

~I’m waiting up, saving all my precious time

Losing fight, I’m missing my same old us

Before we learned the truth too late

Resigned to fate, fading away

So tell me, can you turn around?

I need someone to tear me down

Oh, tell me, can you turn around?

But either way

Hole me while you wait

I wish that I was good enough

If only I could wake you up

My love, my love, my love, my love

Won’t you stay awhile?~

          And may be in another life, maybe. I can hold you then.

A//N: Hey, hehehehhehe. As I said it is angsty afterall. I wanted to finish this once and for all since my memory is fading, lol! I hope you enjoy this twist as much as I did. Thank you for reading from the start ‘till the end. I’m really grateful for the support and the comment, really even if I don’t reply (I’m shy) I want to thank you all individually but since my internet is not so good, I can’t stay online for too long. I can’t insert all of you(subscriber username) here, but still. Thank you a lot. See ya again in the next blue moon if I comes back. J J J

                                                                    With lots of love, Eyesmile Mao Mao