CHAPTER 5

            A fast pace of footsteps echoed through the nearly empty parking garage. The footsteps felt heavy and rushed. Sana’s heartbeat matched her steps, banging against her chest loudly enough to silence everything else. If it was possible to hear pain, this is how she would describe it.

            It felt like forever before Sana reached the privacy and comfort of her tinted car. Every second was just prolonged pain. She closed the door behind her and sat in her car, tears uncontrollably streaming down her face. Why? She kept repeating inside her head. Her jaw clenched from the intensity of her emotions, her hands gripping the leather of the steering wheel tightly. She could feel her nails dig into the leather, but she could care less about that right now.

            She slowly broke down, resting her forehead against the steering wheel while she sobbed. Her mind kept replaying the moment her eyes met Dahyun’s. She had the same gaze from when they first met, but so much different at the same time. The face she put her soul into forgetting, suddenly appearing in front of her. This felt like a knife that dug deep into her back.

            Her principles and resolve started to falter, her knuckles becoming white from how tight her grip was. I tried so hard to forget you.

            I sacrificed everything to put the memories of happiness behind me.

            Why did you have to come back and ruin everything?

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            I hate you.

            That’s right, I hate you.

            Eyes blurry from the tears that welled up, she started the ignition and floored the pedal. Her mind was completely blank, having no aim or goal instilled. All she knew was that she had to get away from the building.

            Her car speeded through the busy roads of Osaka, buildings blurred in motion as she goes. She needed comfort. She needed safety.

            The sound of the engine roaring was miniscule compared to the warfare that played over and over again in her head. She could feel the knife stabbed into her back digging deeper, threatening to break her core.

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            In a few minutes, Sana’s car was parked back into her driveway. She got out hurriedly, feeling ill. Her vision was blurry and nothing but a white noise and Dahyun’s voice uttering her name hit endlessly against her eardrums. She unlocked the front door and burst in, hitting a vase on her way in.

            Crash!

            The vase hit the tile floor with a loud crash, the shards of it scattering. Sana stared at it so intently before the urge of throwing up punched her straight in the gut. Not having a choice, she ran upstairs and immediately collapsed against the toilet seat. Her knees hit the tiles, surely bruising them.

            “Sana?” Dahyun’s voice felt so foreign to her. The voice that used to soothe her with lullabies at night now made her feel restless. Somehow, Sana knew she had it coming. Karma.

            Wiping and flushing the toilet, she stood back up and faced the vanity. Her eyes were still red and her face was swollen from crying. The faucet was running. Staring at herself, she felt angry.

            The sight of her vulnerability disgusts her. She could evidently see how weak she was being, the one thing she never allowed herself to be after she left happiness to rot back in Korea. She felt angry and disgusted for allowing herself to dive back into such weakness. All because of you.

            She walked back out the bathroom and into her tidy bedroom. The sun was shining brightly outside, but her black, opaque curtains denied their entry into the dark room. It showed how unwilling Sana was to let anything other than herself into her mind. However, there was a tiny crack of sunlight that peeped through the small space between two curtains. The moment she passed through the crack of sunlight, it almost felt like it burned. She was sensitive to anything and everything.

            Her feet brought her in front of her dresser. Opening it, she reached for a box that was buried under stacks of heavy clothes. She left the dresser’s doors opened and sat on the floor, her back against the foot of her bed. For several minutes, she did nothing but stare at the box in front of her.           

            Everybody has their own Pandora’s Box. This was hers. Opening it meant letting emotions and memories out. Majority of her mind was screaming, clawing against the walls of her brain to stop and put it back. However, there was still this one corner that soothingly told her that it was okay.

            Her hands reached for the lid, opening it. Inside was a stack of polaroids, a picture frame, and laminated lily petals. She reached for the polaroids. Dates were scribbled along all of the polaroids. Her eyes wandered aimlessly through the pictures. It was candid pictures of a young, pale girl in a school uniform. Her heart was begging for her to stop. Sana’s eyes were completely drained of tears, and could only stare at the pictures with such melancholy.

            The picture inside the frame was worn out. One corner was actually burnt away, and burn marks were seen all around the edges. Somehow, the colors still appeared to be vivid in Sana’s eyes. The picture brought her to a place in her mind she refused to enter for so long.

            “Come on, smile for at least one picture!” Dahyun teased. They were in an amusement park. Sana wasn’t comfortable being in such a place as she grew up in a confined environment. She felt uneasy. “There’s so much people…” She complained.

            The younger girl smiled softly at her and linked their arms. She pulled Sana closer, suddenly giving her a kiss on the cheek and snapping a photo at the same moment. Sana’s shock was evident, but a blush had crept up to her face as she scolded Dahyun in the middle of the park’s plaza.

            She put the picture frame down on the floor along with the scattered polaroids. In turn, she picked up the laminated pack of dried-up petals.

            It was a hot day in spring, and a picnic blanket was set on a hill found near a shrine. The sun wasn’t too harsh and the wind had a cold breeze to it. Dahyun’s head lay comfy on top of Sana’s lap, while the latter held herself up with her arms as she leaned back.

            Dahyun was making something. She had collected leaves, steams and flowers from around the shrine. Sana was basking in the sunlight, so she didn’t notice. After a few minutes of fiddling around with the flowers, Dahyun sat up. Sana felt the absence of her lover’s head against her thighs and opened her left eye to check on the girl.

            Dahyun was sitting up and her hands were hiding something behind her. Sana opened both eyes and sat up straight. “What is it?” She asked in curiousity. “Hold your right hand out.” Dahyun ordered. Sana was confused at first, but she willingly offered her right hand to the girl.

            Bringing out her gift, Dahyun tied a bracelet that was made from stems, leaves, and a beautiful white lily around her wrist. Sana looked at it with adoration and smiled at Dahyun. “What is this for?”

            “My mom used to make them for me when I cried when we were having picnics. She said it was like a promise bracelet, telling me that she’ll cook me my favorite dishes when we get home. I was a shallow kid, and I thought it was pretty, so I always stopped crying.” Dahyun explained. “So you’re going to cook for me when we get back to the dorm?” Sana’s eyes sparkled childishly. The other girl laughed and puckered her lips. “I guess, but there’s something else.”

            Sana squinted her eyes. “This is my promise bracelet to promise you that I’ll never leave you.”

            Remembering the memories behind most of the things from the box, Sana felt empty. Her guilt came back. It was never truly gone in the first place. The pain of regret consumed her slowly. I hate this.

            Her solemn moment broke and the anger came back. Why did I ever think openin