Yongsun knows she isn’t good at love.

 

 

When she’d been in high school she’d gone on a few blind dates with friends, trying to stay invested in the guys who’d grinned at her across the table at bars, restaurants, and coffee shops.  But her feelings were always the same.  Disinterest.  Shame.  Boredom.

 

 

Before she graduates high school she goes to a computer café with a mask on and lurks behind anonymity as she looks up articles on why she feels the way she does until she uses up her 1 hour limit. Hastily, Yongsun rushes to buy more time at her spot, stuffing crumpled bills into the ticket machine with a nervous glance over her shoulder.  She finds herself in the computer café for hours, glasses sliding off her nose as she stares and stares at the words she now has to identify exactly what she is and why she always finds her eyes drifting to girls over boys.

 

 

Maybe that’s why she decides she wants to be a stewardess.  She would never be able to find love in Korea being what she is. But if she has a job where she’s traveling all the time she can find someone.  She can be happy.  Doesn’t everyone deserve to have that?

 

 

But she’d found herself drawn to singing.  Being happy doing what she loves can be even more rewarding than being in love.  At least that’s what Yongsun tells herself.

 

 

Unfortunately her plan of holding out until her public life as an idol falls away fails.  Namely because of one person.  Moon Byulyi.

 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

 

“Can’t I just look at you?”

 

 

Yongsun feels her face warm.  Normally she’d be giving Byulyi the big reaction she wants, pushing her and calling her weird.  But in this moment, leaning against the mirror of a practice room with just the two of them, she can’t help the vulnerable way she peaks from behind her hair at the other woman.  Byulyi is simply resting her cheek against her knees which are hugged to her chest, as if gazing at Yongsun is the most normal thing in the world. 

 

 

Can’t she have this, Yongsun wonders, feeling weakness and exhaustion make her fingers tremble as she reaches out and tucks sweaty bangs behind the other woman’s ear.

 

 

“Are you tired, Byul-ah?”  she asks gently.  Even though she aches to whisper something different she knows she can’t allow the sleepiness clouding her judgement to let her tongue slip.

 

 

“Not when you’re here with me.”

 

 

Yongsun’s mouth thins and they just look at each other.  All Yongsun can hear is the pounding of her heart in her ears because usually they both know when to stop.  When the teasing and the staring borders on unusual.  But here in the quiet and isolation of this practice room it feels like it’s only the two of them in the whole world.

 

 

“I’ve been missing you.  Since you went on that show.”

 

 

“We still see each other every week.”

 

 

“It’s not the same.”

 

 

Yongsun makes herself look away.  This thing between them that’s been building and building feels like a dam after a flood, ready to burst and ruin everything in its path.  It should be Yongsun who stops this just like she always does.  As a leader she can’t afford to let this weakness slip from the cracks and ruin her group’s dynamics.

 

 

But then she feels Byulyi’s hand tentatively wrap around her own.

 

 

“Yong.  Will you look at me?”

 

 

She almost shakes as she tilts her head in the other woman’s direction and see Byulyi is now cross-legged and facing her.  And her eyes look incredibly sad.

 

 

“I know you feel it, too.”

 

 

Yongsun is shaking at how much the words affect her, finally putting this thing between them out in the open.  They tell each other everything but this is the one thing that they both know to never bring up.  Byulyi must see the fear in her eyes because her grip on her hand tightens but she doesn’t lean closer.

 

 

“If I say what I feel I know it will burden you.”

 

 

“Byul-ah.”

 

 

“But how long can we go on saying nothing?”

 

 

“Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I want to just pretend all the time?”

 

 

Byulyi’s jaw clenches as Yongsun rips her hand away.

 

 

“I’m supposed to be the one looking after all of you!  I’m the one who has to make the boundaries.  And-and this?  This something …we can’t, Byul-ah.  I’m sorry.”

 

 

It’s scary to finally be talking about it and what’s even more terrifying is how she just desperately wants to grab Byulyi by the back of her neck and kiss her against the mirrors.  She wonders as she gazes into the darkness of Byulyi’s eyes if she’s thinking the same thing.

 

 

Her chest heaves because neither of them are backing away and god she isn’t strong enough to put a stop to this right now. The dam is cracking and Yongsun is terrified of just how much it will destroy.

 

 

She’s trembling when Byulyi leans forward and presses her forehead against Yongsun’s.  Instantly she relaxes as her eyes flutter closed.

 

 

“I’m sorry, Yong.  How we feel isn’t your fault.”

 

 

“Sometimes I think it is.”

 

 

“There’s nothing wrong with you.  With us.”

 

 

Byulyi’s breath is warm against Yongsun’s cheek as she pulls her closer into a hug.  And Yongsun is helpless against her instincts as she just sags against the other woman, eyes wet with unshed tears.

 

 

They sit in silence like that for a long time and Yongsun wishes that she could make Byulyi feel as comforted and loved as she does.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

There’s a lull in filming for We Got Married as they get ready to change locations.  She shares a quick smile with Eric who is getting his make-up checked and makes a face at her.  Suddenly, Yongsun’s phone buzzes and she smiles politely at the stylist before checking it.  It’s a message from Byulyi with a file.  She scans the string of new messages and curiously squints at the words on her screen.

 

 

I’m working on some lyrics… 

 

 

Could you give it a look?

 

 

I’m thinking of maybe trying to record something for the fan café.

 

 

Yongsun bites her lip as she stares at the lines in front of her.  And she winces. 

 

 

It’s self-absorbed to presume it’s about her.  She can’t just assume that. But the lyrics…

 

 

“Whenever I need you, you say you’re busy, leaving me all alone…  You’re the one for me so tonight I’m drinking a beer and still feeling self-pity.”

 

 

It’s instinctual for Yongsun as she presses her phone against her ear and listens to the dial tone.  Byulyi picks up almost instantly.

 

 

Hey, Unnie.

 

 

“H-hi.”  It’s been a few days since their last talk and even though they’ve texted a bit it’s the first time Yongsun’s heard her voice like this.  She almost hates the way she shivers a little at how warm she feels at the sound of Byulyi’s voice.

 

 

Did you get my lyrics?

 

 

Yongsun knows Byulyi can be passive aggressive.  But this would be too cruel.  It’s the only reason she doesn’t yell at her on the phone with the frustration that the other girl clearly isn’t alone in this.

 

 

“Yeah. Yeah I did.”

 

 

What did you think?  I’m still struggling with getting the rap part right.  But I’ve been playing around with some melodies.  I’m going to head over to the company later and try it out I think.

 

 

“Oh yeah? That’s good.  I thought the lyrics were… powerful.”

 

 

Well these sort of songs always are.

 

 

“Well do you have an idea for the title?”

 

 

Yongsun almost lifts her hand to chew nervously on a hang nail but resists because the stylist nearby would impale her with a make-up brush.

 

 

Mm, I was thinking Worthless?

 

 

She cringes at the words and tries to ignore the way her eyes start to burn.  If her mascara runs she really will be in trouble.

 

 

“Oh wow that’s a… strong title.”

 

 

Unnie, are you okay?

 

 

Of course Byulyi can tell just by the little tremble in her voice.

 

 

“Yeah! Sorry I’m just a little distracted with the filming crew and everything.

 

 

Oh. Okay.

 

 

“But, Byul-ah, it’s really good! I really think this could be a good song.  Send me the demo when you finish it, okay?”

 

 

Thanks, Unnie.  I will.  Good luck filming today.  Call me later?

 

 

“Of course.  Maybe we can get dinner tonight? Or a snack?”

 

 

Only if you’re buying.

 

 

Yongsun rolls her eyes and they grouse each other back and forth for a little while about who paid for their shared meal last time until the PD gestures that filming will be starting soon.

 

 

“I got to go.  But I’ll call you when I’m done.”

 

 

Okay, Unnie.  Bye.

 

 

“Mm, bye.”

 

 

Yongsun feels a little lighter as she pockets her phone and starts walking toward the set but she can’t help but think about the question that lingers on the tip of her tongue.

 

 

Do I make really make you feel worthless?

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Yongsun is falling asleep on Byulyi’s bed as the other woman is frowning at the papers in front of her.  Yongsun’s eyelids flutter as Byulyi mutters some of her lyrics to herself before crossing lines out.

 

 

“Aren’t you tired?” she mumbles into the sheets that smell like Byulyi.  For once she doesn’t second guess herself when she stretches a hand out to touch Byulyi’s back.

 

 

Byulyi glances over her shoulder with a smile, glasses gleaming in the dim light of her bedside lamp.

 

 

“Go to sleep, Unnie.  I’m almost done.”

 

 

“I… I’ll wait.”

 

 

“Oh jeez.”

 

 

Yongsun looks at Byulyi through her lashes, her chest feeling warm at the sight of the other woman turning around and resting her chin on her folded arms.  There is something irresistible about how soft Byulyi looks like this with her now silver hair loose around her shoulders and face scrubbed free of makeup.  It makes Yongsun forget for a moment that they’re idols.  Here in the edges of darkness in a time that’s not quite morning and not quite night they’re simply just Yongsun and Byulyi.

 

 

She doesn’t realize she’s scooted closer to Byulyi’s face until she is so close that their foreheads are practically brushing.

 

 

“Unnie,” Byulyi mumbles into her arms, eyelashes fluttering.  It’s a warning.  But also it’s a tentative question.  Yongsun can hear the tremor of hope in the soft word and that is what makes her push past her layers of denial and self-control to press a kiss to the corner of Byulyi’s mouth.

 

 

The kiss is like finally being able to exhale after holding a breath underwater.  It’s a release and as Byulyi leans up onto her elbows and frames Yongsun’s face with her hands to kiss her properly, Yongsun practically whimpers.

 

 

She dimly realizes she’s on her back now and Byulyi’s body is pressing against her warmly, her silver hair surrounding them like a curtain.  Yongsun can’t help but fondly reach up and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear as they pause in their kissing.

 

 

“Why’d you stop?” Yongsun asks a little breathlessly, eyes fixed on the new redness of Byulyi’s mouth. 

 

 

“Unnie, this… this means something to you right?  I don’t know what I’d do if you kissed me and it didn’t mean something to you.”

 

 

“What?”  Yongsun watches as Byulyi shifts to her side, propping herself up on her elbow as she continues to look at her.  Not wanting to break contact, Yongsun turns over on her side too and grasps at Byulyi’s free hand.

 

 

“Do you want me, Unnie?”

 

 

Yongsun glances at the discarded lyrics on the floor and her heart pounds in her ears. 

 

 

“Whenever I’m with you, you make me so happy.”

 

 

Byulyi’s eyes widen in shock. 

 

 

“How could I not want you?”

 

 

“U-unnie.”

 

 

“I can’t stop thinking about you, Byul-ah.  I can’t get you out of my head no matter what I do.”

 

 

Byulyi’s eyes sparkle like stars as she seems to let the words wash over her.  Yongsun feels her face warm at the unusual confession.  She knows she can’t quite get herself to say the words I like you.  But she hopes this is enough for now.

 

 

And she thinks it is when the other woman reaches forward and cups Yongsun’s cheek with a warm hand.  They’re both smiling when they kiss again.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“It’s not enough, Unnie.”

 

 

Yongsun sits in their shared hotel room breathlessly, staring at Byulyi’s quivering form in disbelief. 

 

 

This fight feels different than the others.  Usually they yell and scream but it’s all out in the open.  They’ll shout their grievances and when it’s all over they’ll curl up together and there’s peace.

 

 

But right now there is something that is lingering beneath the surface of their initial argument.  It scares Yongsun as she looks into Byulyi’s eyes and sees how little of her emotion is on her face.

 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

 

“These past few months… I’ve been really happy with you.  I think I even…  Unnie, I love you.”

 

 

Yongsun feels like she’s been slapped and without thinking her eyes fill with tears.  They’ve never said that to each other before.  They’ve let themselves embrace what they’ve felt for the past few months with touches and kisses behind closed doors.  It had been intoxicating and freeing in ways that Yongsun hadn’t even imagined.  Maybe they’ve had to lie and hide to be together.  But what had Byulyi expected?  This wasn’t Switzerland.

 

 

“Byul-ah.”

 

 

“Do you love me?”

 

 

“Byul-ah.”

 

 

Byulyi just walks to the edge of the bed where Yongsun sits with her arms hugging her knees.  She shivers as the other woman leans down until their eyes are level.

 

 

“You can’t even say it.  Unnie, the only time I think I’ve heard you talk about your feelings for me was when we got together.”

 

 

Yongsun grits her teeth so hard that her jaw aches.  She knows that if she opens , vicious angry words will spill out.

 

 

“Unnie.  Say something.”

 

 

Oh well.

 

 

“This means something to me, Byulyi.  But there’s a difference between this meaning something and knowing this doesn’t have a future.”

 

 

“You don’t think this has a future?”

 

 

Yongsun knows they’re both crying now as she angrily rises to her feet, nearly chest to chest with Byulyi.

 

 

“Of course it doesn’t! What did you think was going to happen? We’d date for three years and then one day I’ll bring you home to my parents and we’d get married in Europe?  That this,” Yongsun gestures between the two of them, not able to choke out relationship, “would become something more than stolen kisses and empty promises?”

 

 

Byulyi is speechless.  This argument isn’t even really an argument between them.  It’s a practical thing that they’ve skirted the edges of in their late night conversations.  Sometimes Yongsun had indulged Byulyi in her silly musings as she’d carded gentle hands through her hair.  I’d want a daughter with cheeks as round as yours, Byulyi had whispered in her ear once and Yongsun couldn’t resist the happy giggle at the thought.

 

 

Stupid.

 

 

“Maybe… maybe we should just stop this, Unnie.  If you don’t think we have a future, I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore.”

 

 

“Fine.”

 

 

Byulyi’s eyes fill with tears and she staggers a step back, like she hadn’t quite expected the easy reply. 

 

 

“O-okay.”

 

 

“This can’t affect the group, Byulyi.”

 

 

“Of course it won’t.  I care too much about Mamamoo to let it.”

 

 

Yongsun looks down at her feet, listening to the quiet sounds of Byulyi holding back her tears.

 

 

“I-I need some air.”

 

 

“Sure.”  Yongsun watches as Byulyi rushes out of the room.  When she disappears, Yongsun feels her knees buckle and she throws a hand out to steady herself on the bed.  She glances at the two beds, one made and the other unmade, and sighs.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“Is there a reason you aren’t talking to Byulyi-unnie anymore?”

 

 

Yongsun almost chokes on lunch, eyes watering as she looks up at Hyejin who seems entirely disaffected about the incident she nearly caused.

 

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

 

“Wheein and I aren’t dumb, Unnie.  The only times you two have been actually interacting is on stage.  Which is maybe 20 seconds.”

 

 

Yongsun peeks over at Byulyi who is flopped on her back with an arm flung over her eyes, fast asleep on the couch.

 

 

“Did you fight again?”

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

“You still haven’t managed to make up?  You two always seem to get over your fights in minutes.”

 

 

“I don’t think that’s possible with this one, Hyejin-ah.”

 

 

Hyejin frowns and covertly glances at Byulyi’s sleeping form.

 

 

“Whose fault is it?”

 

 

Yongsun laughs as she crosses her arms over her chest and leans back into her chair.

 

 

“Mine.  She wants us to move on and try to just go forward but I…”  Yongsun pauses, thinking of the conversation the two of them had after Byulyi had come back to the hotel room.  As she listened to the other woman calmly explain how things may be difficult right now but they’d be able to go back to being friends in the future, she’d felt so angry and resentful that only she seemed affected by it all.  How dare Moon Byulyi be so composed when Yongsun felt like there was a monsoon in her chest?

 

 

“And you apologized?”

 

 

Yongsun’s mouth twists bitterly.  How would she say she’s sorry? Sorry I’m in love with you but that isn’t enough. 

 

 

“I don’t think there’s a way to apologize for our… argument.”

 

 

Hyejin huffs impatiently.  She glances at Wheein who suddenly opens the door to their waiting room.  Yongsun watches as Byulyi sleepily stirs at the noise, whining about just wanting to sleep.  Her chest aches when their eyes meet across the room and Byulyi looks away first.

 

 

“There has to be a way.  It’s you and Byulyi-unnie.”

 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

 

Hyejin sighs and gestures dismissively with a hand.

 

 

“You two are just… I can’t imagine you without her, Unnie.”

 

 

Yongsun flushes at the comment, wondering just how obvious they’ve been.

 

 

“It may not be easy,” Hyejin murmurs quietly, “but I think what you two have is really special.”

 

 

Yongsun swallows, trying to keep her face as composed as she can as she’s hit by a wave of pride.  Even though there’s a part of her that’s afraid, there’s a bigger part of her that can’t help a quick affectionate glance towards Byulyi.

 

 

When Hyejin gives her a meaningful eyebrow raise, Yongsun sighs dramatically. 

 

 

“Fine, I’ll talk to her.”

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Of course, Byulyi reaches out first with a few puppy pictures.  Within an hour they’re at a nearby park, sitting on opposite sides of a bench.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“Hi.”

 

 

Byulyi adjusts her hat and tugs down her face mask a little.  Yongsun instantly relaxes at the sight.

 

 

“How’ve you been?”

 

 

“Byul-ah.  I don’t want small talk right now.”

 

 

“Right.  Sorry.”

 

 

Yongsun sighs as she impatiently starts to scratch at the peeling wood on the back of the park bench. 

 

 

“You said you wanted to say sorry.”

 

 

“Of course.  I hate when we fight.”

 

 

“But that wasn’t a fight.  That was a break-up.”

 

 

Byulyi swallows, ducking her head to avoid Yongsun’s hard stare.

 

 

“Okay.”

 

 

“So why are you trying to apologize?”

 

 

“I thought that’s what you’d want.  An apology.”

 

 

Yongsun snorts.

 

 

“You’re apologizing even though you don’t really want to.”

 

 

“I just thought that’s what you wanted.  That night when we were talking… after … you seemed like you weren’t really even paying attention to what I was saying.”

 

 

“Because I didn’t want to hear it.”

 

 

Byulyi tilts her head at Yongsun in confusion.

 

 

“I didn’t want you to end things between us.”

 

 

“But you said we didn’t have a future!”  Byulyi bites her lip at the outburst, glancing nervously at the people walking by. 

 

 

“It doesn’t mean I didn’t want a future with you.  I just… I’m scared. It’s like I think I know how this is all going to play out.  But I still want what we have anyway.  I just want...”  Yongsun bites her lip as she drops her eyes to her nervous picking.

 

 

Byulyi lets out a shaky exhale.  She reaches a hand out and stills Yongsun’s absentminded chipping on the back of the bench.

 

 

“Unnie.  Do you trust me?”

 

 

Yongsun nods slightly, feeling her cheeks warm as Byulyi tentatively plays with her fingers. 

 

 

“Let’s trust each other from now on.  And keep moving forward.  Together.”

 

 

She nods, letting a smile spread over her face as she squeezes Byulyi’s hand.  For once she isn’t hearing the roar of worried thoughts and feeling panic claw at .  She just sees Moon Byulyi serenely smiling at her, warm hand holding her steady.

 

 

“Okay.” 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“So how’s the recording going with Seulgi?”

 

 

Byulyi groans from her spot on the couch, trading glances with Yonghee who just chuckles as she walks back into her room.  Yongsun crosses over to where her girlfriend lies on her back, pouting slightly.

 

 

“Unnie, please.  You said you were fine with it.”

 

 

“Of course I am.  Wouldn’t want to get in the middle of your first solo song.  I’m sure she’ll sound great.”

 

 

Yongsun is half proud that there is barely any whine in the statement.  Byulyi simply rolls her eyes and reaches for the other woman’s hand.  Their fingers tangle together effortlessly.

 

 

“I’m still figuring out the lyrics.  Maybe the song won’t even happen.”

 

 

Yongsun sighs at the worried look on Byulyi’s face.  She wordlessly sits on the edge of the couch, letting Byulyi wrap her arms around her middle and snuggle her face into the side of her hip.  Yongsun gently starts to play with Byulyi’s dyed orange hair. 

 

 

“You’ve written so many songs.”

 

 

“But this is different, Unnie,” Byulyi mumbles into Yongsun’s side.

 

 

“Mm.”

 

 

“I really want this to be a good song.  It’s… personal.”

 

 

“Is there a reason you haven’t let me read the lyrics yet? Is it another love song for me?”

 

 

Byulyi groans and peeks up from Yongsun’s hip, eyes squinting dangerously.

 

 

“Unnie.”

 

 

“I really liked my birthday gift, you know.  I don’t think I’d want you to share that sort of thing with anyone but me.”

 

 

Byulyi smiles crookedly at the words, squeezing Yongsun’s sides gently.

 

 

“Do you know what the title will be at least?”

 

 

“Hmm… I’m thinking selfish?”

 

 

“An English title?”

 

 

“You don’t like it?”

 

 

Yongsun laughs as she shifts out of Byulyi’s tight hold, sliding down from the couch so that she’s on the floor and eye level with Byulyi.  She reaches out and smooths out the concerned pucker on the other woman’s forehead.

 

 

“It was just a question, Moon Byulyi.”

 

 

“Sorry.  The title is supposed to be about what I want.”

 

 

“To be… selfish?”

 

 

“Right.”

 

 

Byulyi rises a little, resting her chin on her folded arms.  Yongsun leans her shoulder against the couch and tilts her head into Byulyi’s shoulder. 

 

 

“Why do you want to be selfish?” she asks, a little sleepy from how warm Byulyi is.

 

 

“I wanted to write a song that could help me try to be the person I want to be.  A person that does what she wants without always worrying about what everyone else thinks.”

 

 

Yongsun smiles at Byulyi’s earnestness and nuzzles against her girlfriend.

 

 

“It’s like a sequel to Worthless.  You realized your self-worth and moved on from that who made you feel so awful.”

 

 

“Well the song is more about trying to be more selfish.  It isn’t exactly about succeeding.”

 

 

“What sort of things would make you feel like you’re being more selfish, then?”

 

 

Yongsun tries to ignore the claw of insecurity as she waits for Byulyi’s response, steadily breathing in and out her girlfriend’s clean smell.

 

 

“When I get to wear what I want on stage.  When I choose to accept the love people give me.  When I’m with you.”

 

 

Yongsun feels Byulyi play with the ends of her hair and she leans into the touch.

 

 

“Oh? I make you feel selfish? Not worthless?”

 

 

Byulyi scoffs and suddenly they’re both turning until their faces are so close.  Yongsun’s eye lids flutter a little at the proximity, instinctively bracing for a kiss.

 

 

Instead Byulyi leans forward and brushes their noses together, teasing warm breath over the bow of Yongsun’s mouth.

 

 

“When I’m with you, Unnie, I feel like we’re the only two people alone in the world.  You make me feel unstoppable.”

 

 

“Oh, Moon Byulyi.  You… you make me…”  Yongsun almost loses her train of thought when Byulyi meets her eyes, gaze soft with an affection only deepened with time.

 

 

“You make me so happy.”

 

 

When Byulyi presses a pleased mouth against hers, Yongsun finds she’s smiling so much into the kiss that they both burst into laughter.