July 8, 2017

It's terrifying to carry a thought with you for years. I have lost count the number of times I have crossed the road and stood still, hoping for a car to crash into me.

It's frightening how I can't seem to control such morbid thoughts. It isn't a choice. Yet people don't and can never seem to understand that this darkness within me is real. 

Every morning, it starts with "Oh, I woke up again." It's a terrible feeling to have. 

I wish I do not have to wake up to this cycle of life.

Life.

Grief.

Everything in this world is temporary. Yet that makes the world all the more beautiful, doesn't it?

That what you have now can be lost seconds later. That the happiness you get now isn't meant to last.

How do I tell the people around me that their lives would be so much better without my presence? That their grief over my absence is merely temporary. That them being sad for the loss wouldn't last?

I would often imagine how my funeral would be. 

Tears and eulogies, followed by days, weeks and perhaps months of grief.

Then everyone m