- White roses are Hyewon's favourite roses. She often refers it as a symbol of love and an imagery of profound affection, that was until she realised that she developed feelings for her little white rose... effectively planting a seed in her lungs. Few days later she was spitting white and red as she waited for something beautiful to bloom-

[angst]

________

 

A garden of rose is the vision of love that Hyewon treasured more than anything. For her, love was like a garden of rose, elegant and sweet, the fragrance of the flowers enveloping the garden in a blanket of subtlety just like love. Love is made of subtleties and small actions, meaningful yet short words of loving whispers and the lingering of the faintest of a touch.

 

Love is subtle. 

 

Of course, she lived by this reality. Love being like a hidden message that needed to be returned. That was the tricky part, all these subtleties could sometimes pass under the oblivious eyes of the holder of your heart, without even them knowing they had such a precious object in the palm of their hand. 

 

A heart was like a glass figurine, fragile but exquisite. 

 

Many times she had heard of unrequited and one sided love in her surroundings, from her classmate gushing over that popular guy, from her cousin complaining about her crush or even her best friend talking non-stop about a girl whom she has never talked to in the past.

 

"What are you thinking about ?" The voice beside her made her snap back to reality. 

 

"Nothing Minjoo-ya." Hyewon replied with a gentle smile etching on her otherwise cold face.

 

"Really ? I’ve been calling you for the past 10 minutes." Minjoo raised an accusatory eyebrow as she knew that something was bothering the older girl’s mind.

 

“Did you ?" Hyewon asked in surprise, not expecting her mind to wander off for this long.

 

"Yes. Now tell me ~." Minjoo pressed on, grabbing Hyewon’s hand in hers and swinging it cutely in a childish whine.

 

"I was thinking of roses." Hyewon laughed out at the younger girl’s cuteness. 

 

"Oh ? Roses ? Why ? Did you receive roses today ?" Minjoo shot her many questions in surprise, leaving no room for Hyewon to answer. She squeezed her older friend’s hand when she finished asking all her questions as a way to prompt her to talk.

 

"I didn’t receive any, I’m not that popular unlike you ... I just figured that a rose fit you well." Hyewon replied with a shrug, yet her sincere eyes held Minjoo’s bright ones.

 

"Ehhh Unnie you’re definitely popular ~. Me ? a rose ?"

 

"Yes a rose. A white rose." 

 

The older girl certainly didn’t miss the slight rosiness growing on Minjoo’s cheek as she uttered her last words. 

 

"You’re such a sweet talker Unnie~"

 

Sweet her words were, but if she was to be honest, Minjoo was probably the sweet one here, sweet like the prettiest rose. Sweet like honey. Sweet that it was almost sickening to Hyewon. Because Minjoo was so sweet that it could nearly be poisonous to her.

 

Sweet was love, and love was sweet. Just like a rose being a charming and glamorous red but dangerously prickly to all naive souls that wandered a little too close to the alluring roses. 

 

____

 

“Unnie don’t you have someone you like ?” Minjoo asked, they were out to eat lunch in those rare moments where they would both be free during the small hour in between classes dedicated for meal time, also commonly called lunch break.

 

“Me ? No. Not really and you ?” Hyewon mindlessly replied as she munched on her pastas.

 

“Maybe… I don’t know. There’s this girl that has been talking to me recently, she’s in the sport department.” Minjoo recalled with a slight frown.

 

“Do you like her ?” Hyewon demanded in surprise, she wasn’t expecting this answer from the girl to say the least.

 

“Like is a big word. If by like you mean appreciate, then you can count Chaewon in it and Yuri.” Minjoo lightly joked which helped easing the mysterious anxiety that arose from the sudden subject.

 

“Hahaha we can exclude your parent’s choice.” Hyewon could let out a laugh as the heaviness left her chest for unknown reasons.

 

“Eww don’t need to mention it. Dongsun, although as perfect my parents think he is, will never be in the list.” Minjoo huffed while taking a bite of her meat.

 

“Poor guy, how long will you give him false hopes.” Hyewon said lightheartedly, making sure that Minjoo knew she was only kidding.

 

“Hmmm how about he just gives up.” Minjoo pretended thinking before answering which earned them a laughing fit.

 

“Gosh you’re mean Minjoo.” Hyewon remarked with a teasing accusatory glance.

 

“Unnie ~ I’m an angel.” Minjoo whined cutely, mentioning her well known nickname which never failed to make Hyewon snort.

 

“What angel ? I only see a clumsy frog here.” Hyewon playfully scoffed, making Minjoo’s face contort in a dramatic gasp.

 

Somewhere in between more laughs and jokes, Minjoo did say something that wouldn’t leave the older girl’s mind for the whole night.

 

“Unnie, you aren’t in the list. Because I don’t like you.”

 

“Uh?”

 

“I love you ~”

 

____

 

During one moment of boredom leading to crazy decisions, Hyewon decided to buy a diary. For her to note down the highlights of her days and to possibly assess with a clearer mind what had troubled her past days in the future. All of this because her older friend, Kwon Eunbi who was acting more like a mother than a friend, had implanted this idea in her head all throughout the week. 

 

Now, with the empty diary in her hands, her head full of events of the day, she stared blankly at the white page, the pen in between her fingers… yet, she found it hard to write down anything. What were the highlights of her day ? She may remember everything about the present time, she had no idea what to write down and even more what was deemed as important enough to remember later on. With a drag in her fingers, she forced an answer to her empty page and started forming strings of words in her messy handwriting.

 

September 15 of 2020

 

This is the beginning of this writing I guess. I ate takoyaki with Eunbi. That hag definitely had messed up with my head as the simple act of me writing down this sentence shows how foolish I was to listen to her words. 

Keep in mind to never listen to Eunbi, especially when she is convincing enough to make you do these types of things. Why am I even writing in the first place ? Is that important enough to remember ? Anyway, I got nothing to say so I guess I’ll go off to sleep.

 

K.H

 

_____

 

September 17 of 2020

 

Now I’m starting to wonder if Eunbi does have credits for giving such advice. My mind is too heavy for me to think properly and I can’t even close one eye before my thoughts start messing up with me all over again. I haven’t written anything since the last time, yet today, my pen is unconsciously expressing my deepest feelings in this exact same diary. 

 

Why am I in such a state of alarm ? The answer is confusing too. My own mind can’t decide if my heart is wrong. But It feels so right though. 

 

Am I slowly falling in love with her ? Or was I, all this time, enamoured with her sole existence ?

 

Maybe I’m simply growing sick and my head isn’t thinking straight. That is a possibility… but then why is that so confusing to me.

 

K.H

 

(

 

Hyewon was simply reading through a book as Minjoo was doing some work on her computer, asking once or twice if what she wrote in her report essay was good enough. It was a pleasure for the older one to help the poor Minjoo in her task. Hyewon was always happy to help, especially when a part of her whispered that she was even happier to help Minjoo. 

 

“Unnie ~” Minjoo called in her soft voice.

 

“Yes, Kim Minjoo ?” The use of the full name wasn’t in any ways a cold understatement, it was just a habit she had developed after spending time calling the younger girl by her full name. Minjoo liked it anyway and never once told Hyewon to stop.

 

“How about we go eat something ? Ice cream ?” Minjoo offered, putting her glasses down on her desk and ruffling her messy hair before clumsily brushing them with her fingers.

 

“Who am I to refuse food ?” Hyewon joked with a big grin etched on her beautiful face.

 

“Hehe I knew you would say that. I was just asking to be polite.” Minjoo snorted as she stood up from her desk and stretched her sore limbs from the hours she spent sitting and working. 

 

Hyewon simply laughed it out, the situation was funny to her and reminded her of their childhood. All the times she spent at the younger girl’s house, helping her doing her math homework. 

 

After all, they met through Hyewon tutoring Minjoo. The old days where Hyewon had to battle with the angelic-faced stubborn kid that was Minjoo, often resulting in Hyewon pulling her hair out of frustration because of the total lack of concentration coming from the younger girl. 

 

Yet, with a lot of patience and a huge quantity of food to make the headache go, she actually managed to teach Minjoo some things and in the end, making her top of her class in mathematics. A feat that did make Minjoo’s parents thank her a thousand times and invited her to eat dinner with them each time she came there to tutor their daughter.

 

After time of tutoring and hardships also known as studies, they both became close, enough to say they were childhood friends although the slight still created that tiny distance in between them that was just the perfect middle for the both. 

 

They were very close to each other, yet wouldn’t go as far as saying they were best friends. It is a noticeable difference as it made their relationship even stronger in a way.

 

Hyewon closed her book and stretched as well from the spot on Minjoo’s bed where she had been reading a novel this entire afternoon. Closing her eyes as she yawned, she opened them back to be as big as saucers at the scene unfolding in front of her. 

 

“Y-yah ! You could have warned me !” Hyewon said in panic as she covered her eyes with her hands. 

 

The image of Minjoo taking off her oversized shirt that she used as a pyjama still haunting her mind… a torture to be exact as she couldn’t escape this image even like this. Eyes closed or not.

 

“What ? It’s my room and if we have to go out I obviously need to change. Plus, since when it bothered you ?” Minjoo replied with a raised eyebrow as she watched the figure of her friend on her bed… the sight amusing her a lot.

 

Hyewon could feel her cheeks burning red against her palms and her heart maybe going a bit too fast suddenly. It made her head spin. 

 

Since when it bothered her ? The question finally reaching her brain made her heart drop in realization… since when did this bother her. She knew Minjoo for far too long now to feel shy about taking her shirt off … not to mention that this occurrence was definitely not the first time as well. 

 

So why did it affect her so much today? 

 

She felt the dip on the bed, knowing too well that the only person here was crawling closer to her, she felt the presence hovering her sitting figure, the spring fragrance of the most exquisite flowers made her mind melt at its scent. 

 

She felt hands on her own that were still covering her red face. Soft and gentle, as if they were holding a fragile and frail glass sculpture. Her hands were pried off her face and revealed the embarrassing and slightly humiliating red hues painting her cheeks all the way up to her ears.

 

She didn’t dare meeting Minjoo’s eyes, this position was making her uncomfortable all of a sudden, not because she didn’t like it but because she found way too much pleasure in it than she would like to admit. Minjoo straddling her was a guilty pleasure she never thought would like… this was enough to put another set of questions in her mind, or maybe later because for now she wasn’t thinking properly.

 

Minjoo observed her face with attention, carefully printing the image of her friend, tracing all her details as she admired that prominent blush that she never saw before, or at least not that strong. 

 

It was an endearing sight, enough to make her stare at it for two full minutes, finding it adorable and surprisingly cute coming from Hyewon. Her red ears were just the best feature of this new expression that Hyewon arbored with such embarrassment.

 

“It’s cute…” Minjoo mumbled, in the silence of the room this was just too loud, almost making Hyewon flinch as she could hear her heartbeat drumming in her chest.

 

Minjoo waited patiently but seeing as Hyewon was nowhere near meeting her gaze, she put a hand on the girl’s chin, slowly bringing the older girl’s face upward to meet her eyes. 

 

The flushed face in all its splendour was even more charming than before, this new angle adding a sense of innocence to it. Seeing the slight fear and negativity creeping up in Hyewon’s eyes, Minjoo gave her a reassuring smile. 

 

“You’re cute Unnie.” And with that she planted a soft and brief kiss on the older girl’s cheek, and as if nothing happened she was already off of Hyewon and inside the bathroom… 

 

If only she knew that Hyewon wasn’t fearing not looking presentable in all her blushing glory… she was fearing the new thoughts making her question what could have triggered such a reaction from her and the answer wasn’t pleasing at all.

 

)

 

____

 

18 September 2020

 

It’s with a heavy heart and a restless mind that I came with this conclusion : I love her

 

Of all the subtleties in her habits, how she would often act cute to get what she wants or to get her out of an embarrassing moment, how she would smile with those prominent dimples that fascinates me or how she would call me ‘Unnie’ most of the time. 

 

But I’m not brave, in no way am I courageous enough to face her with these newfound feelings. For now, I’ll have to suppress them and hope they will fade away, like a dandelion of its seed.

 

 I hope my feelings fly away.

 

K.H

 

(

 

“You look horrible Unnie.” Minjoo pointed out as she looked at Hyewon’s obviously tired face. Scratch that, the girl looked like she was about to pass out anytime soon. 

 

“I know, thank you.” Hyewon blankly replied, her voice a little hoarse and husky. She clearly wasn’t well.

 

“Did you play all night with your friends ?” Minjoo asked while observing how Hyewon would close her eyes and doze off.

 

“Yeah.” The older girl lied. She didn’t play with anyone other than her mind, and it wasn’t playing, more like a fight. She hated to admit it. Didn’t want to acknowledge the obvious. This kept her up all night. 

 

“You often play with them.” Minjoo mumbled, if Hyewon wasn’t that tired, she could have probably noticed the pout and the slight jealousy in Minjoo’s tone. 

 

“Hmm.” Was Hyewon’s sole answer.

 

She was at the younger girl's place again, Minjoo had insisted on her coming by today as well to review her essay. Yet, with Hyewon this tired in front of her, Minjoo didn’t have the heart to ask Hyewon to help her with some homework. 

 

They were sitting on the couch, Hyewon already with her eyes closed as she fought with her consciousness, trying her best to not just pass out right away. 

 

She was barely conscious when she felt two hands slowly and carefully move her body, her head falling on a soft cushion perhaps. She didn’t know. She was laying down and the floral scent filled her senses again, chasing the residue of her night torments and slowly putting her mind at peace. Without noticing it, she fell asleep with the frown dissipating into her usual emotionless face.

 

It felt warm, like being under the sunlight inside a majestic flower garden, the feeling was just calming. Hyewon didn’t want to wake up from this heavenly sleep… but every good thing had to come to an end. 

 

Opening one eye, she frowned at the sudden light, feeling like it was burning her retina… she closed them just as fast. She noted that her headache had disappeared and that a gentle touch was massaging her scalp. Her head laid on a soft and warm surface… warm ?

 

Finally snapping her eyes open, she slowly took in the situation. She was laying down on the couch as she recognized the familiar living room. Her head was on the only other person's thighs… warm. She was facing the lower abdomen of her younger friend, almost as if she was burying her face in the girl’s shirt. The scent of flowers was suddenly stronger than ever. 

 

It didn’t take much time before she understood what the relaxing touches on her scalp was, Minjoo was probably mindlessly kneading her fingers in Hyewon’s blonde strands. 

 

Hyewon moved her head, looking up and watching as her intuitions were right, Minjoo had indeed one hand on her head while she was focusing on her phone in her other hand. However, with the sleeping girl’s sudden movements, Minjoo glanced down and to her surprise was met with Hyewon’s confused yet calm eyes scanning her face. 

 

“Hey sleepyhead.” Minjoo smiled, her eyes glinting in a strange emotion that Hyewon never saw before, or maybe she did but never paid attention to it. 

 

“I fell asleep?” Hyewon asked in a voice laced with grogginess.

 

“Yeah, for a few hours.” Minjoo asked, her hands never stopping their ministrations as her words were uttered with the same soft voice that Hyewon liked so much.

 

It just came crashing down on her, why did she suddenly admit what she was relentlessly trying to deny for a whole night. 

 

She abruptly sat up, effectively startling Minjoo in the process. Hyewon’s heart was racing and the heat from her cheeks had returned in full force. 

 

She just figured that she may like her younger friend. Maybe even going as far as saying she loved her.

 

)

 

_____

 

21 September 2020

 

I came at peace with this idea. I love her.

 

Surprising right ? Even for myself. When did I even start seeing her as something else than a friend ? A younger friend. 

 

When did I start studying her every move and habits ? It grew slowly like an ivy lacing my heart, and only noticeable when it successfully trapped me in a deadly grip. 

 

Right, love is subtle and even I failed to notice my own feelings, only realising them a few days prior.

 

I can like her, even if she might never return them. I will keep this to myself though, because again, the cowardice makes it impossible for me to even imagine confessing.

 

I feel a little feverish these days, my throat is a little sore. I surely caught a cold or maybe it’s my lack of sleep acting up on me. I just wanted to mention this.

 

K.H

 

(

 

Hyewon coughed a little as the icy wind blew stronger. 

 

“Did you catch a cold ?” Eunbi asked while taking off her scarf, placing it gently around Hyewon’s neck.

 

“Probably, I also have chest pain.” Hyewon replied, the tip of her nose a little rosy and her cheeks red from the fever.

 

“You should take a rest, you can always ask your parents to do a check up on you. When was the last time you visited a doctor ?” Chaeyeon interrogated with a worried tone. It was rare to see Hyewon sick, she was the strongest of them all and probably the healthiest somehow. 

 

“Depends on your definition of doctor. If you mean a professional in the medical field then maybe a few years. If you meant my parents then one month ago.” Hyewon playfully replied, earning herself an eye roll from Sakura.

 

“Just go do a check up or something, and by the way maybe spend some time with your family.” Yena remarked with a scoff. 

 

“I told y’all I visited them last month.” Hyewon retorted with her own eye roll.

 

“You mean you went there to get some paper and didn’t even greet your parents.” Sakura deadpanned with a stern voice.

 

“They are busy, I can’t just come and burden them while they are working.” Hyewon sighed out before she suddenly started coughing again.

 

Eunbi quickly went to pat the sick girl’s back, trying to help her in her coughing fit.

 

“They are right Hye… you should visit them.” Eunbi told her with the warmest voice she could muster. Hoping it will help in reasoning the stubborn girl.

 

“F-fine.” Hyewon gave up… her headache coming back. 

 

)

____

 

22 September 2020

 

I visited my parents at the hospital today or should I say my mother only...she was delighted to see me after so long. It pains me to see her dark circles under her eyes even more prominent than ever, I can’t help but to think that I was bothering her in the very few breaks she has. Even more so when she insisted on doing me a check up. 

 

I wonder how she successfully guessed that I caught a cold when I desperately tried to hide it from her.

 

My fever is worse, I think I will have to skip classes tomorrow. My chest pains are getting too painful. Gosh, I hate being sick. 

 

Feels like I have thorns growing around my heart, it is just that painful.

 

K.H

 

(

 

Entering the white lobby of the hospital, Hyewon couldn’t help but to gag at the overwhelming scent of disinfectant and chemicals giving this clean odour to this place. Her smell was sensitive these days and this was something her nose couldn’t take well. 

 

Why does she even listen to her friends again ? Especially Eunbi who managed once again to make her visit her parents, probably just her mom though, her dad must be in some business trip or important meetings like always.

 

Walking to the lobby, the receptionist recognized her immediately and offered her a familiar gentle smile. 

 

“Hyewon, it’s been so long since you last came by here. Look how grown up you are, I remember you so young and small.” The receptionist greeted with an almost motherly smile. After all, she did spend a lot of time at the lobby in the company of the receptionist and other staff around, as she waited for her parents to finish their shifts… sometimes going as late as midnight. 

 

“It’s been a while, right. I’ll come by more often I promise.” Hyewon returned with her own smile.

 

“You’re a beautiful woman now, my cute little genius is now a grown up.” The receptionist joked with a playful glint.

 

“Come on~.” Hyewon gently said as she laughed at the receptionist’s motherly playfulness.

 

“Haha, still as shy I see. Your mom is in her office, should I notify her of your visit ?” The women giggled as well before turning more serious.

 

“No it’s fine, I will pass by her office anyway.” Hyewon shook her head before waving goodbye at the women with whom she many spent boring hours in the past.

 

Walking through the familiar corridors in a well known order of turns and steps, she arrived in front of a dark and imposing wooden door, the word on a black metal engraved in golden letters. 

 

‘Dr. Kang’

 

She knocked twice, waiting for the permission to come in and soon enough, the order was given to her to open the door. 

 

The heavy door opened in a swift motion as she revealed herself to the woman sat at the big desk on the end of the spacious room.

 

“What can I do for you ?” The doctor asked in the cold and stern voice that Hyewon was used to hear.

 

“Just want to spend some time with you, mom.” Hyewon replied which made the woman at the desk immediately snap her head to the blonde girl standing in the middle of her office.

 

The smile was brighter than ever, especially coming from the cold and serious woman that was Dr.Kang, a trait that Hyewon inherited fully. 

 

“Hyewon-Ah !” And almost as immediately she was trapped in a bear hug by her mother who was just so happy to see her daughter after so long.

 

“Hello mom.” Hyewon replied back, her hoarse voice betrayed her futile attempt on keeping her coughing fit in.