I met you in the dark (wait that sounded like lyrics of a song), we were at a party, the house was jam packed with drunken and sweaty people jumping to the loud music playing yet I can only count with both of my hands the people I really know. If not because of my bestfriend who was the birthday celebrant I wouldn't be here.

This was not my scene. I prefer drinking with less people, with a bit of light music (damn another song reference) but I got no other choice but at least enjoy the party. I've been sporting the same cup for a good hour, just chilling in the garden, on the swing set me and my best friend set up.

My best friend saw me and dragged me back inside where they were starting to play the infamous game of truth or dare. I was hesitant to join, first because I don't trust the dares these people will ask you to do and there's no way I'm kissing a stranger, second I don't like being pressured to answer a question. It seems that luck is not on my side when the tip of the bottle pointed in my direction and before I could say truth, I was being pushed inside a closet (dude I just came out and you’re putting me back inside) and when I was about to get the hell out, another body was being pushed inside.

"The dare is to stay there for fifteen minutes!" Seulgi shouted on the other side of the door then I heard the lock.

"I never said dare you freaking bear! When I get out of here you're dead!" I shouted back even though I know she probably already walked away already. I almost forgot there was somebody else with me so I turned around and reached out for the person only to earn a hard slap on my face. I don't know how the person even knew where to aim. It was freaking dark!

"What the ?!" Whoever you are, you're lucky I can't see you.

"You d my s, you idiot!" You shouted and I felt some movement in front of me. So it was a girl they pushed inside with me.

I knew you were mad at me for accidentally groping you but hey, I don't have night vision like you do. Something with the way you shouted at me, for some reason I found it y. Okay I'm being a weirdo. I tried to reach out again but was more careful this time and I was able to sit down next to you. There really wasn't much space. We could just sit there in misery as the party continued or I could at least make the situation less awkward. So I cleared my throat and introduced myself.

"Hi I'm Seungwan. I'm really sorry about earlier, if it isn't obvious, it's dark in here" 

No response.

"Look, I'm just trying to apologize here, for what I did and what my best friend did when she pushed you inside this freaking tiny closet"

Still no response. What she's suddenly mute? What's wrong with this person?

I wasn't sure how long we sat there but it was definitely way past fifteen minutes. It's a good thing I'm not claustrophobic cause I would be freaking out now. I banged the door but with the loud music still playing, I bet no one would even hear us. But despite the noisy background, I clearly heard you sniffling. I reached out again and when I felt some vibration my pocket I forgot that I had my phone with me all this time. Thank you my trusty alarm. So I used the light on my phone to look for you and there you were, leaning your back against the wall with your hands on your knees, shaking and definitely crying. I immediately turned to you and asked what's wrong.

"I...I'm c..c..claustro...phobic" you said in a trembling voice much different from the one you used earlier - damn you Seulgi. I cursed internally. I didn't know what else to do so I hugged you and this time you didn't react violently. Oh god, you were really freaking out and I was starting to as well because I don't really know how to calm you down.

"Hey it's going to be alright." I told you while rubbing your shoulders. I placed my phone on the floor so we would somehow have some light and every now and then I would swipe it so it would not sleep. But my batteries’ running low and I'm not sure if we would ever get out of here tonight. I adjusted our position where you were in between my legs (not like that you s) while I hugged you more and you just let me.

We must've fallen asleep because the next thing I heard was Seulgi snickering as she took some pictures of our very compromising position. Sometime when we were sleeping, I must have slid down on the floor dragging you down so you were actually sleeping on top of me and yes, we were still hugging. When you woke up, our eyes met and I changed my mind when I said I would killed Seulgi because damn, I never knew I was with a goddess the whole night.

You slowly stood up from our position then just simply left walking past Seulgi who followed you out. When I finally came to my senses, I stood up as well and followed suit. I saw you and Seulgi talking or I guess arguing because I've never seen my friend look so terrified than she is now.

"You knew I was claustrophobic yet you pushed me inside! How could you do that to me?" You were really upset and I wouldn't blame you. My friend is just plain stupid.

But then, "Babe I'm really sorry. I was high as last night and didn't think straight. Blame Yeri and Joy for giving me the pills"

Babe? What?

"Classic Seulgi. Blame someone else for whatever you did"

I didn't mean to really eavesdrop on your conversation cause I really just wanted to make sure you were alright. But I guess I also wasn't really careful in hiding cause you both already felt my presence.

"Oh Wannie! There you are!” Seulgi exclaimed which I know she did to divert the tension building between you and her.

She pulled me closer and placed her arm on my shoulders. “Babe, this is my best friend Seungwan. Seungwan this is my girlfriend Joohyun”

We stared at each other for the second time that morning and that was a mistake on my part.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuAZ1qUGzgo

Months passed and we got closer. Simply because my best friend was always excited whenever we get to hang out. Work was stressful enough so every chance we can get together, we would take it. Whether it be a movie night, karaoke night or drinking night. I didn’t mind being the third wheel and you never complained as well. Sometimes I feel you enjoy my company more than your own girlfriend (but that was just me and my wishful thinking). Seulgi can be childish and stupid sometimes but I love her nonetheless…but I love you more.

I know it was wrong for me to feel this way towards you because you’re my bestfriend’s girlfriend but I guess the brakes of my heart are broken because I just kept on drifting uncontrollably on the road that leads to nowhere.

It also didn’t help that I would be the first person you'd call to pick you up whenever she fails to do so, or to fetch you from your office when she’s unavailable, most of the time because of work, or to accompany you when you miss her at night when she’s away, and the list goes on. I would drop everything just so I can be with you. But never once I initiated anything between us, nor did anything that would make you feel uncomfortable. I was your friend and that’s what I will always be, because at the end of the day, it was Seulgi’s loving arms you will come home to.

I had my hopes up that time you and her broke up but I still chose to be your mediator when you refused to talked to each other. The moments we spent talking or just hanging out, without even saying anything about it, we both knew we had that attraction. If only it was not my best friend who was involved here, I would have already fought my way to get you.

Eventually you and Seulgi made up and got back together and both of you thanked me for being your bridge. Of course I was happy but deep inside, I was already dying.

I never told you how I felt but I guess you’ve always known. On days when I feel really ty about that fact, I kept imagining different scenarios where we are together. Where I cross the line between my friendship with Seulgi and take you away from her. Where you realize that I was a better lover. Where Seulgi messes up big time and you come running to me.

And just like the first time we met, we are once again at a party. But this time, no more truth or dare games, no more being pushed in a closet, just our group of friends celebrating. It was your birthday after all.

I took care of the preparations as Seulgi requested cause she was still finishing their dance tour and would be back tonight.

I can see you busily entertaining your guests, and I made sure to invite only those you really know. Everyone was having fun and although there was no loud music like Seulgi’s party, I can see you were enjoying yourself with the soft music playing in the background, and I again made sure to play only those songs you love. Every detail of this party was in accordance to your liking.

“Why are you hiding here Seungwan?” Because if I get too close to you I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from doing something I’ll regret. But of course, you can’t read my thoughts.

“I just like it up here where I can see what everyone is doing. Are you enjoying the party so far? I know Seulgi’s not yet here but she should be arriving in the next hour or two” I responded and I noticed the slight change in your expression. As if I said something wrong. Maybe it’s just my silly side of my brain telling me that you were really looking for me and no one else. But I know you just didn’t want me to feel left out since most of the guests are your friends.

Then you suddenly enveloped me in your arms and I was shocked at the sudden warmth that surrounded us. I returned the hug and we just stood there holding on to each other. Internally I was doing my happy dance but the wetness I felt on my shirt told me otherwise.

“Seungwan, you know you didn’t have to do all of these. You didn’t have to do a lot of things actually. But you did and I am thankful that I have you in my life.”

“Why are you crying then?” I just had to ask even though I already feel the happy bubble I created just a few moments earlier is about to burst.

“I…I don’t understand what I’m supposed to feel right now. I love Seulgi and I know she loves me too. She is the first person in the longest time to break down my walls and make my heart flutter, even my parents love her for melting my cold heart. She is the first person to make me experience different kinds of emotions. S…she is my first love”

“I already know all of these things Joohyun, not sure why you’re telling it now”

You held me tighter. “Because I’m starting to like you now too Seungwan”

Before I even had the chance to say something or even react, someone else spoke.

“There you two are. I’ve been looking all over for you!” Seulgi just arrived and joined the hug party she thought we were having. She didn’t even notice your tear stained face so I slipped my handkerchief into your hand so you could wipe your face. Not a second later, she was pulling you down the stairs and back to where the rest of the guests are and as always I just followed. She took a glass of wine and a butter knife and got everyone’s attention. You two were in the middle of the living room and and everyone gathered.

Seulgi cleared then said, “Joohyun, I don’t know what I did in the past for me to deserve someone like you. I was never the perfect partner. I am clumsy, reckless, and stupid but you still loved me and accepted me. The past months had been tough and I thought I was really going to lose you after what I did but you told me that you cannot love if you cannot forgive. Being away from you those months were the hardest thing I ever had to go through and so I asked for a sign, that if you ever forgive me for what I did, I will never let you go, I will never hurt you or make you cry anymore. I will only love you with all my heart for the rest of my life. And so today, I ask you, in front of all our friends, Bae Joohyun - will you marry me?”

The moment Seulgi asked the question, completing it by going down on one knee, a tear escaped from my eyes. I’m supposed to be happy for my bestfriend but I’m sorry Seulgi, I also love Joohyun.

Everyone was cheering and waiting for your answer. I don’t know what was going through your mind at that moment but I was not trying to hang on to any hope that you’ll decline her proposal. I see you looking around as they cheer you on and for a brief moment our eyes met once again and we both felt the pain.

With a heavy heart, I gave a simple nod, as if mentally telling you, it's okay,  so you looked back at Seulgi and said the magic word. “Yes”.

And I simply walked away.