A life without you. A life without happiness, anger or sorrow. All the emotions you give me which makes life, life. A life without you wouldn’t be living. Every day a mechanical passing of time. I don’t know how I’d be able to sleep or eat without you by my side. Who’d cuddle me and sing me to sleep when the thunderstorms hit? Who’d go to the tteoboki restaurant with me after training practices? There’ll be no one to fight over food with because you wouldn’t even be there. 

Had it not been for you through the years, I’d be a fragment of parts because there’d be no one to piece me back into one when I crumble and fall. The nights I practiced so hard when no one was watching, so hard till my ankle gave in. How your voice quavered as you saw me on the floor, huddled into a ball of frenzy, in pain. I ing hated myself for being so god damn weak and useless, for being so incapable of being better. I had tried to improve myself, I really did. But all efforts futile. I didn’t know how to pick myself up from that. They told me I wouldn’t be able to dance for months because I had tore my ligament. I’d be a liability to everyone. All the trainees who were depending on me for the choreography, all our teachers who had such high expectations of us. All the raised hopes and expectations. And yet, because of my one stupid mistake, I’d disappoint every single one of them. 

Maybe the idol life just wasn’t meant for me, and I wasn’t meant for it either. I wanted to leave this life behind, to end it once and for all, to live a normal life. Go to university, get a boring office job, get married, have children, grow old and be content with that. 

But then I remembered you. 

“Unnie? Joohyun unnie?” You approached, squatting down beside me. You ran your fingers through my hair, gently soothing the nerves. I don’t know why but something about you always made me feel calm. I can’t pinpoint it specifically, but maybe it’s the way you utter the words “Joohyun unnie” which calm me down. Your voice melodious octaves of music to my ears, distracting me from the internal chaos that was wreaking havoc, the voices in my head screaming and screeching. 

I looked up at you, at your worried eyes. Those worried eyes which screamed “Why were you so stupid to do something like that? Why did you hurt yourself? Why didn’t you tell me anything? Why did you put yourself through this? Why wasn’t I a a part of this?” And in them, I saw that you were hurt too. Hurt that I had been keeping everything from you, that I didn’t trust you enough to tell you anything at all. It wasn’t that actually, I trust you. Very much. Have always did. 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you to worry,” my head hung low in shame and guilt as the hot tears trickled down my cheeks, staining the white d