Joohyun had always been the type to dream her days away ever since she was young. Her music taste consisted of songs that allowed her to emerge herself in her thoughts, to lose herself in a world of happy endings, a world that rewarded you for your struggles. And that reward usually came in form of a person who made her heart beat, who took away all of her worries, who loved her unconditionally in a life it was rare to encounter such a form of love.

Who that person was? Well… that changed every few years. Whoever she had feelings for at that moment would be the main character of her imagination.

Her first crush ever was this girl in sixth grade. Her name was Ahn Heeyeon and she had big eyes and a toothy smile. She hated to wear skirts and hated any form of physical affection and she loved books. She was always reading, mostly quite complicated books but then again, she was one of the smartest kids in their class, perhaps even in the whole school. They were both 11 back then and in the last year of elementary school.

Thinking back to that time, Joohyun honestly can’t recall why she liked her so much. Yes, she was really pretty (she wonders whether Heeyeon grew up to be even more beautiful) and her intelligence was really attractive. But besides that, they weren’t even that much of a match.

Joohyun didn’t like to read at all (despite her big imagination and her love for writing). She also was the person to long for physical affection (despite everyone assuming she hated it because of her cold exterior. She had always been one to have difficult expressing her emotions and excluding a warm aura. Joohyun couldn’t count the amount of times people had been utterly shocked when they found out she loved to hug). Besides, when they talked? Complete awkwardness. They barely had anything in common so there was never a good subject to talk about.

Regardless of that, Heeyeon was the subject of her daydreams for the entire school year. Joohyun had to admit that she did alternate the girl’s personality a bit in her imagination.

Her second crush was two years later in the eighth grade and her name was Kim Yongsun. She was a major hip-hop fan and her room was full of posters of rappers. It was fascinating yet quite tiring to listen to her talk about her idols for hours and hours. Joohyun honestly hated rap music. Or maybe just strongly disliked it. But back then, she purposely listened to the same music as Yongsun just to try to win her affection and pretended to love it. What can she say? The girl was gorgeous to say the least. And Joohyun wasn’t the only one who thought that. Yongsun was one of the most popular girls in their class and their year.

Not only was she extremely attractive, but she had this confident and sociable aura that just bewitched people. And she was also quite friendly though she was no doormat you could just walk on. Joohyun honestly looked up to her. She hated her own shyness and insecurity, but she always tried to talk to Yongsun despite her lack of social skills. It only worked when she talked about hip-hop music though. There wasn’t honestly much else to talk about with her. Despite the obvious signs of this being an unrequired crush, Joohyun only came to that realization when one day Yongsun showed up at school with her new girlfriend Moon Byulyi. She was another rap music enthusiast. Apparently, her dream was to become a rapper herself.

From that day on, they sort of stopped talking to each other. They became more like… acquaintances, if that even fits. Until they both graduated from high school, they remained friendly to each other, exchanging some hellos here and there. Yongsun and Byulyi still haven’t broken up until this day. Joohyun knows because well… they all go to the same university. Not that she minds though. It’s nice to see some familiar faces and besides, she has long moved on.

And thus, came an end to an era which made space for another one: tenth grade and Jennie Kim. She was born in New Zealand and moved to Seoul that year.

As the new student there were two things bound to happen: you were either an outcast or everyone was obsessed with you and wanted to be your friend. Such was the simplistic mindset of the high school student. And well… Jennie Kim belonged to the latter.

It seemed like Joohyun’s heart was once again moved by the untouchable, unreachable, popular girl. Like Yongsun, Jennie was absolutely gorgeous. She eventually earned the title as the school’s goddess. Joohyun honestly found it ironic that those two also happened to be friends. But their personalities could not be more different (except on the level of confidence. Jennie? She excluded an even higher level of confidence than Yongsun. Or maybe it was just plain arrogance but the point remains).

Jennie Kim was cocky and egotistic and she didn’t hesitate to denigrate everyone that was on her wrong side. Her elite of friends never hesitated to tear you apart if she asked to (except for Yongsun and Byulyi. For some reason they managed to remain in her circle of friends and yet to never participate in the bullying of students. Looking back now, Joohyun did think they were in the wrong for never speaking up against it, which in a way made them as guilty as the others).

And yet Joohyun caught feelings for this girl who was definitely a contestant for the person with the most horrible personality that she had ever encountered in her life. Why? Well, Joohyun in a way had this idealistic saviour complex thing going on. She thought she could fix people back then. She thought everyone had the potential to become the best version of themselves. Joohyun saw Jennie as someone who probably was hurting inside and putting up a horrible wall to protect herself. She had this theory that Jennie had been afraid to be bullied because she was born in another country, so she became a bully herself to avoid that. A case of rather-to-be-feared-than-to-fear.

Recalling her younger self, Joohyun now knew that she, in a way, tried to see herself in Jennie Kim. Being born in Daegu, Joohyun had been bullied because of her accent throughout grades three and four. Her dad had found a new job in Seoul and they had decided to move when Joohyun was supposed to start the third grade in her hometown. At some point the bullying had gotten so severe that she had to change schools. It was not an experience she liked to remember and it was the reason behind many of her fears. Because of the bullying, Joohyun became overly concerned with being socially accepted for many long years. Her daydreams were often centred around her suddenly becoming this perfect human being who could do anything and impress anyone. Who had tons of friends and dated the most popular girl at school. Someone who was recognized and accepted.

Even now in the present, she still experienced those fears but was now fortunately better in controlling her feelings.

Joohyun, like many others, did fear Jennie, mainly because of the many stories she heard and things she had seen with her own two eyes.

Yet unfortunately, she convinced herself that they were actually the same but had coped with it in different ways. And well, that resulted in the unhealthiest crush she had ever had. Honestly, Joohyun never found out whether she was indeed right about Jennie. But she did have the luck to be one of the few quiet and shy kids to have to sit next to her in class and not be picked on, for whatever reason it was.

Jennie was surprisingly… normal to her. They barely talked except if they had to work together for an assignment during class. Then they just discussed schoolwork like two normal students would. Perhaps that was the biggest reason why Joohyun had convinced herself that Jennie at heart was a kind but scared girl. Nothing ever happened though. After a few months Jennie began to date this other popular guy, Kim Jongin.

He was actually pretty decent. No stereotypical . A bit on the quiet side but not shy at all. He had a natural talent for dancing and that was perhaps one of the biggest reasons why people practically drooled at the sight of him. Many wondered how he had fallen for Jennie, especially since he was one to actually help, or more like lightly comfort the people she bullied. He often told them to not mind her and that she was in a bad mood. Unfortunately, he was the type of person to endure too much, to forgive too much, to be too accepting. Joohyun never found out what happened between them after graduation. Honestly, she didn’t mind not knowing. She didn’t mind forgetting about her in general.

It was also around this period that Joohyun started to write. She wrote stories based on people she had met. Or more like inspirations. Her stories were mostly love stories combined with some philosophical and psychological elements. She got inspiration from people around her. Joohyun would write down how her characters met based on experiences she had heard and the rest was entirely fictional. Joohyun once wrote a story about two neighbours who fell in love which was how her parents met each other. Her father had moved to Daegu to go the university there and met her mother who lived right next door. However, the two characters were definitely not based on her parents when it came to their past and personalities and such. That was all made-up.

And often her characters would struggle with some deep-rooted fears that would stand in their way. They would eventually learn how to overcome them, together with their love-interest, and finally be happy.

In a sense, Joohyun mostly wrote stories to comfort herself. To give herself the hope that she could one day find that one special person that would help her get through her fears. That there was still hope for her to be fixed. It was a bit of a weird way to cope with her problems, but it often worked. Mostly because those stories made her forget about reality. She would often daydream either about the characters in those stories, always identifying herself with one of them. Or she would daydream about herself living such a story. Joohyun would daydream so much that even when she was around people, she would choose to zone out, not finding reality satisfying enough to pay attention to.

And unfortunately, this was still a habit that was deeply rooted within her. She knew it was stopped her from growing and making progress and yet she couldn’t stop herself. Though she did have to admit that her current friends helped her a lot. They were probably the only people she would put effort in to paying attention to them (even if her brain constantly begged for more daydreams to satisfy herself).

Exactly one year after the Jennie Kim era, there came her fourth (and for the time being) last crush. This one lasted for two years: during eleventh grade and twelfth grade. It was her longest crush, which was kind of understandable since it was actually someone she actually interacted with a lot; her now best friend Park Sooyoung.

Having feelings for Sooyoung was a rollercoaster to say the least.

They had become friends after being paired together by a teacher for a science project. Unlike her other crushes, this one took a bit longer to develop. It was solely funded on the basis of friendship (though it honestly only took her two weeks to catch feelings for the taller girl).

Sooyoung was that one student who most people found to be quite intimidating. The type to be caught in all sorts of rumours concerning the area of delinquency simply because well… Sooyoung really didn’t give a about what people said (at least to a certain extent. Joohyun eventually found out that everyone has their limits, including the people who don’t seem to be affected by anything). And honestly? All the rumours just started because Sooyoung was not the person who smiled much, if at all. Her blunt personality? It didn’t help her case much.

People would say that she had empty eyes, that she felt no emotions, no remorse. Eventually rumours involving street fights, drugs and even prison started to circulate.

But the most interesting thing about all of this? Well, Sooyoung was one of the top students of the school. To be even more specific? She was always among the top 3. This, of course, awakened more additional rumours such as that she cheated or slept with the teachers to climb her way up.

So, the girl had quite a reputation and Joohyun remembered feeling terrified at the teacher’s decision. Though if she had to be honest, she did remember looking up to the girl, despite all the rumours. Any person who could stand their ground was a subject of her admiration.

However, Joohyun soon found out that Sooyoung was nothing like the girl portrayed by others. For starters, the taller girl actually loved to laugh. Loudly. She would actually throw back her head and close her eyes and lose her breath at anything she found remotely funny. The first time Joohyun witnessed her like that, she was so utterly shocked that it almost felt like she would pass out (okay maybe that was an exaggeration, but still).

Besides, at heart, Sooyoung turned out be a big softie. Like extremely. Her heart would grow the size of a whale whenever she saw an animal, especially when it came to dogs. She would kneel and gush and talk to them with the biggest pout on her face, producing the types of sounds one would produce when talking to a baby. Sooyoung was also extremely caring towards her younger sisters. In general, she was very close with her family. They were one of the reasons why Joohyun loved to spend time at Sooyoung’s home. They were open and welcoming people. Some of the kindest she had ever met actually, even up to this day.

Sooyoung also cried surprisingly easily. Joohyun could recall quite a few amounts of times when they watched a movie and Sooyoung would be sitting next to her, tears streaming down her face, loud sniffs, tissues by her side. The scenes in which a dog died… well, those were the most intense.

Joohyun did learn from this experience. She learned to be less quick to judge people at face value, to be less quick to