“You made me miserable and damn it, I still ing love you, Yujin.” Wonyoung cried, unable to control whatever feeling was building inside her. Hurt, tired and betrayed. 

 

“Wonnie, it's not like that. You know it's not like that. I did not mean any of it. For ’s sake, I was drunk. Drunk, Wonyoung. I was out of my mind.” Yujin answered. 

 

Wonyoung hummed, staring straight into the window, moving a little further from the girl beside her, putting a barrier between them. One Yujin is too afraid to pass through. She’s brave, for all the wrong reasons. 

 

It was the first time in almost a month that they were in the same room. That night, Wonyoung left before Yujin could reach home. Leaving no trace of her. 

 

And Yujin knew where to find her but she chose not to. 

 

She’s too busy minding some other girl. Too busy to even think of the girl lonely at home. Too busy to notice her constant calls and repeated messages. Too busy to remember that Wonyoung is still waiting for her. 

 

Yujin knew all too well what that night is. 

 

It was their 5th anniversary. 

 

She didn’t forget, she ignored it. 

 

Both of them have work that day, Wonyoung with her monthly shoot for her own brand and Yujin with her fixed MC position on those music shows. Surprisingly, Christine is with her on all the shows. Not that Wonyoung minded, but she’s hella scared. Things are not always how we perceive them to be. Especially when it involves Yujin and one of her ex-flings. 

 

Wonyoung trusts Yujin so much. She tried to erase those thoughts. And she did. But her thoughts became all too real. 

 

Even before that night, Yujin was emotionally & romantically absent. 

 

She’d come home, change into her pajamas, and would stay in the balcony all night long, on her phone, talking to someone while laughing and smiling like crazy. 

 

Wonyo noticed that but was too afraid to face whatever that call and laugh means. So shrugged it off. 

 

Their bed would always feel empty, Yujin’s always out during fridays. Drinking with her colleagues. Attending birthday parties of every possible staff there is. Wonyo would sometimes see random news articles about her girl, always too nervous to open them up. Who can blame her though, Korean media outlets are infamous for being notoriously noisy. 

 

Just one article with that other girl, she’ll surely burst. 

 

From then on, she avoided opening her social accounts. She devoted her time to working, and to Yujin. 

 

While Yujin, well, she’s oblivious to what Wonyoung is feeling. 

 

“Maybe there is something going on with her work, I'll ask her about it later.” She thought one time. She never asked. Whenever she gets home, Wonyo is always asleep. And whenever she wakes up, she’s gone. 

 

Maybe it was because they lacked time or communication. But it was never the reason Wonyoung wanted to know, actually, she never wanted to know anything behind it so she suffered in silence, all on her own. 

 

She let Yujin do everything her way. She let Yujin wreck whatever is left between them. 

 

Until all that’s left is Yujin and Wonyoung, separately. 

 

“You were not drunk that night. Stop lying, you know…” Wonyoung answered in defeat, sounding so weak. 

 

“We both know what happened, Yujin! How can you still be so oblivious of everything? Why the are you so ing numb? I am not stupid! You had a choice, you ing did, and you chose what would break us.” Wonyoung mumbled, tears slowly streaming down her cheeks. She looks so fragile. One touch and she’d break into million pieces. 

 

Yujin sat beside her, quietly. She attempted to hold Wonyoung’s hand, only to be pushed away by the younger. Disgust can be felt. 

 

“Baby, I am sorry. I truly am. Please, just look at me. Hear me out, again. Please Wonyoung.” Yujin murmured. 

 

“No, Yujin. Just please, leave me alone. Do me favor also, never show up again. Let’s just forget everything happened, alright? NONE OF THESE HAPPENED.” Wonyoung shouted. 

 

“But Wonyoung, it was just a kiss.” The other one said.

 

“No, it wasn’t just a kiss, Yujin. It was a ing kiss from an engaged person hitting up on you. And you know what hurts more? I saw everything that led to that kiss. I heard every laugh you gave her, every smile, every ing thing. And you just let her.” Wonyoung sputtered. 

 

Wonyoung stood up, got her eyes and ran to the front door, all while crying. Before turning her back against the sobbing older one, she said something Yujin will never forget.

 

“You could’ve- couldve just told me you don’t love me anymore. It would be better that way. But thanks a lot to you, now I have to deal with the consequences of your actions, alone. The last five years were the best, Yujin. Thank you. Do me a favor too, don’t find me.” Wonyoung said with a weak smile that cannot cover what she’s feeling.

 

With that, the door closed. Alongside the life both worked so hard to earn. 

 

“I love you, Wonyoung. Please don’t leave me…” Yujin cried. Sounds too weak to be heard, too loud for the broken hearts.  

 

She’s all alone now, in their home, in her feelings, in her life. 

 

 

“Yujin, you can’t just call her and tell her it's out of habit. Have you forgotten?” Nako said to the younger girl. 

 

“Yeah, yeah, we broke up and I cheated.” Yujin said under her breath. 

 

“She obviously told you to stop bothering her. And besides, how the hell do you expect her to forgive you? You ed up big time, girly.” Hiichan added. Getting several nods and agreements from the other girls. 

 

“I did this every day for the last 5 years. I can’t help it. Maybe she’ll answer them too? What if she does? Will she forgive me? Will she come back? Will she…love me the same?” Yujin answered., wondering again. 

 

It's been months since they broke up. Wonyoung moved somewhere not even the other girls know. Left her business to Eunbi and disappeared into thin air. 

 

She went to Gangneung, just 2 hours away from Seoul, not that far but it was enough to keep her mind off things. Living in a little home in a small village near the sea surely helped Wonyoung forget how broken she is. 

 

Just for a little while though. 

 

It was almost a year of suffering, or actually, healing. Wonyoung or Yujin are much dwellers. They both thought that dwelling into something that both wrecked them is just a waste of time. None would come back, not the feelings nor the person. It all happened. Now all they have to do is heal. 

 

Actually, Wonyoung did heal, but got so grumpier and fiesty, as described by her older sister who just lives a few minutes away from her. 

 

Yujin, on the other hand, well, she fixes whatever she can fix. It was hard at first, all the controversies surrounding them did affect her stability, but she taught that once everything is over, once everything is back to normal, Wonyoung would come back home, she hoped for it. 

 

She waited for her while working her off. She would call her every morning even though every call was ignored. She did their routine the same exact way minus the other girl who’s supposed to compliment whatever she does. 

 

It was hard, but you gotta do what you gotta do for love. 

 

What seemed to be Wonyoung’s quintessential peace will soon be disturbed a by freaking phone call. 

 

She's been purposely ignoring every phone call from her. She understood that it was out of habit, but wondered why the girl hadn't grown from them. 

 

“Who the calls at 4 in the morning?” Wonyoung said under her breath, clearly irritated to whoever is making her phone ring at this hour. She moved a little closer to the side table, attempting to snatch her phone away from its holder while also preventing herself from falling to the goddamn cold floor. Again, she forgot to turn on the heater. 

“Who’s this?” The girl asked, annoyance present in her tone. She clearly knew who it was. how could she forget that beautiful voice? 

“It’s me, good morning. I love you, Wonnie. See you in a few hours.” The person on the other line answered. The warmth in the person’s voice is present, something Wonyoung is very familiar with. It is the warmth only Wonyoung can feel. All her own.

The person on the other line dropped the call almost immediately, which left Wonyoung discombobulated. 

“Out of habit.” Wonyoung whispered, sounding so cold, opposite to what the other person conveyed. She knew how empty those words are. Out of all the people, she knew all the reasons why.

Wonyoung went back to sleep, indulging every ounce of sleep left in her body. While at the same time attempting not to think too much of the voice she just heard. She shouldn’t think about her after all. They broke up. She hurt her. Period. 

Maybe this time, Wonyoung felt the emotions wrongly, maybe it wasn’t so empty after all, better, it wasn’t really empty. 

“See you in a few hours?! What does that even mean?!” Wonyoung sputtured before burying her head with a soft pillow. 

 

Soon enough, a sleepy Wonyoung woke up again, this time, by a knock and a bark. 

 

The trip to the gate was quite long when you just woke up, and when your heart is beating so fast for absolutely unknown reasons, that’s how Wonyo felt. Every step towards the damn gate was heavy and full of excitement all at the same time. Maybe because it was the person she dreaded yet loved the most. 

 

Yeah, it’s her Yujin. 

 

Wonyoung opened the gate looking so fiesty, annoyed and irritated. 

 

“What the are you doing here?” She said. Obviously waiting for an answer which can explain why her cursed ex is right in front of her hideout. 

 

“Uhm, well, uhh- uhh. Uhm.” Yujin whispered. “I wanna see you. And give you this.” She added while putting her arms out with a dog looking fluffy and cottonny. 

 

Wonyoung, to say the least, looks surprised and happy. Who wouldn’t though? It’s a bichon frise, the dog she's been wanting for so long. The dog Yujin promised to get her once they reached the sixth mark. She could've bought one, but she knows they’ll last longer than that mark. Or maybe not. 

 

Contemplating whether or not to let Yujin inside her home or accept the gift or just slam the door on her. But its Wonyoung, and no matter how much she hates the other one, her manners wouldn’t let her do such a horrible thing. 

 

“Uh, come in first. It’s cold out.” Wonyoung said flatly.

 

Yujin nodded her head and continued to walk towards the main door, she can’t deny the fact that she missed this place, especially the one who’s occupying it now. It still looks the same, just a little bit gloomier and emptier. 

 

All the memories seem to all come back. The summer nights they spent here laughing, jamming to whatever is playing on the stereo and eating every meat they can in one sitting. All those sweet memories she can no longer own. 

 

Yujin always thought that Wonyoung is the brightest, the smartest, the jolliest and the prettiest kid out there. She embodies every trait a mother-in-law would love to see to her daughter-in-law. Wonyoung’s sweet smile, her beautiful bright eyes and her warm existence. Not to mention how funny and sincere she is. But what kept Yujin in all along was how Wonyoung, in the deepest hour of the night, is the most vulnerable. Seeing her in her weakest state made Yujin love her more and protect her more. No one saw Wonyoung cry, but Yujin did. It was something she treasured alongside the trust and the love Wonyoung freely gave to her without expecting any in return.

 

“Just leave her here.” Wonyoung instructed, pointing at the empty little couch beside the fireplace. “Just come to the kitchen after. I’ll fix breakfast.” She added. 

 

“Oh, right. Thanks, Wonnie.” Yujin softly answered.

 

It felt weird for Wonyoung to hear that again. It made her stomach feel crazy. 

 

She walked her way to the kitchen, grabbing whatever is left inside the fridge hoping it’ll be enough to fix a decent breakfast for her and the uninvited guest. 

 

In a jiffy, a breakfast was made. 

 

Yujin waited at the table, wondering if she should go help or something but was cut off by the sound of footsteps approaching. 

 

“It’s all I can do, sorry. What do you want? Coffee or Hot choco?” Wonyoung questioned the older one. Avoiding eye contact and possible skin-ships. 

 

“Uh… just hot choco.” Yujin answered right away. 

 

Wonyoung came back with two cups, one with hot choco and one with black tea. 

 

“So you don’t drink coffee anymore?” Yujin blurted. 

 

“You smell like them.” Wonyoung rebutted. “I avoided everything that reminded me of you.” The younger one added. 

 

All Yujin could do was stop herself from crying and choking from the food she is eating. Those words stabbed her, straight in the kokoro. 

 

They ate in silence, awkwardness present. 

 

It went like that for a few more minutes until Yujin raised a question Wonyoung can’t run away from. 

 

“Do you remember it's supposed to be our 6^th anniversary today?” Yujin stated, looking at the girl who’s head is down. 

 

“Well, you ed up.” Wonyoung said under her breathe loud enough for Yujin to catch. 

 

“I know, Wonnie. And everyday I regret everything I did.” The older one replied. 

 

“AS YOU SHOULD!” Wonyoung shouted with a hint of madness. Her tears are dwelling up and the last thing she would want to do is be vulnerable to the other one. 

 

“Wonyoung, can you forgive? Please? I changed.” Yujin proudly uttered. 

 

“You will never change, Unnie. You’re too stubborn, too similar to me.” Wonyoung whispered with a shaking voice. She promised not to look Yujin in the eyes. Those eyes are too powerful, once it gets you, it’ll keep you locked in, forever. 

 

But Yujin cupped her cheeks, making her look at the other one intently while uttering the most dangerous words, “Wonnie, even just for today? You trust me right? Please… please let me love you. Please let me care for you. Please let me be yours again.” 

 

Wonyoung melted in that very spot. She taught she was strong to withstand this. She thought a year was enough to unbind whatever magic Yujin has on her. She thought she had moved on. 

 

But no, she gave in because of those beautiful eyes. She gave in again for the sole reason that she still trusts Yujin despite everything.

 

Yujin did whatever she could during the whole day. And Wonyoung, she’s back to being too soft, too forgiving and too fragile for Yujin. 

 

Does she regret it? Of course. Is she enjoying it? Definitely. Will she completely forgive her? So-so. 

 

Then came the sunset, they are sitting in the sand. Feet free from shoes and cold from the water and the winter air. It was quiet. Mundane for Wonyoung, foreign to Yujin. 

 

The waves crashing in the background made Wonyoung hug her knees, attempting to lessen the cold she’s feeling, from the season and from her emotions. She hummed something Yujin instantly sang. 

 

“For I cant help falling in love with you.” Yujin sang in the most beautiful voice. 

 

The voice Wonyoung missed hearing every morning and before sleeping. The voice that calms her and the voice that makes her world go crazy. 

 

Yujin hugged the younger one and whispered something Wonyoung didn’t expect, “I was gonna propose to you here.” 

 

Wonyoung cried. More than she’s ever done in the past few months.

 

It was those words she’s been waiting to hear ever since. 

 

But she can’t let it affect her. Not when she’s slowly getting herself up. Not when she’s recovering from everything. 

 

She ignored whatever the older one said. She stood up, fixed herself and made her way to the house. And Yujin, surprised but followed what the other did. It's not that far, just a few minutes walk. 

 

“I’ll keep her, Yujin. Kids don’t divorce when their parents do, anyway.” Wonyoung said. 

 

Yujin’s step was slowly getting heavier and smaller. The moment they reach home, everything will be back to normal. And that means losing Wonyoung again. 

 

“Wonyoung!” Yujin shouted. “Just tell me you love me, please. Just say it please. Just let me hear it. I promise I’ll change.” She pleaded. 

 

Wonyoung turned around to look at her, Yujin felt a glimpse of hope only for it to be shredded into pieces. 

 

“Please, just leave. Never come to see me again, okay? Forget about me. Unlearn everything about me. And stop doing things out of habit. It's long gone, way before you ed up. And oh, I ing hate you Yujin. I hate you for all the possible reasons. This, this isn’t gonna be fixed because you ruined everything for good. It’s best if we both go to different homes, now. Good bye, forever.” 

 

Yujin looked at her in shock, unable to process what she just heard, but her heart sure did know what just happened, because before she can do anything, tears are already streaming down her face. 

 

Wonyoung continued walking until she was nowhere to be seen. Yujin stood there, waiting. She didn’t wanna leave, really. But it was all too much. 

 

Wonyoung didn’t utter a word, not until she’s behind the closed gate that’s separating their worlds. Not until she’s sure Yujin has already left. And not until she’s safe enough to say the words. 

 

“I love you still, I always will.” Wonyoung cried, dropping to the ground. 

 

She did it for herself, surely. 

 

She’s strong. 

 

She’ll get over it, maybe with the person but never with the feeling.

 

And that’s okay, slowly, she’ll become better. 

 

For her own good, for her own sake and for herself.

 

She's Wonyoung after all.