Changmin felt he was coming down with a cold. 

Winter was approaching and ever since preparations for their upcoming fan concert began, their team had been completely swept away by practice, practice practice - all to put on a good show for their fans. Judging from their awful training and sleep schedules, Changmin really wasn’t surprised he was feeling rather under the weather. He probably caught the bug from Kevin or Eric, who had been rather sick in the past few weeks. 

"Guys, let’s take a break please.” Changmin called breathlessly, opting to collapse onto the wooden floor of their practice room. They had already completed their entire concert sequence once without a single break and honestly, he wanted to die right there and then from exhaustion. There were murmurs of agreement throughout the practice room from his equally spent members and Changmin took that it had been agreed on.

As he lay spread eagled on the ground in an attempt to cool down, his eyes fluttered shut. Changmin had pretty good stamina, given he practically practised his dancing at every opportunity he had and was not often one to call for breaks or rest. But this time, he really felt like his chest was about to combust from the lack of oxygen he was getting. The flu, he reasoned, must be messing with him. He ought to go back home and help himself to some of Sunwoo’s juice packs for his health. He couldn’t be missing their long-awaited fan concert just because of a small illness, could he?

Sunwoo. 

With his eyes still closed against the harsh ceiling lights of their practice room, Changmin allowed his mind to wander. As of late, he found Sunwoo often appearing in his thoughts. It wasn’t strange, given that they had always spent a lot of time together and with Chanhee or Eric. Especially with their recent promotions, he had ended up spending a lot more time eating with or going on VLive with Sunwoo. They had really good chemistry together, after all and Changmin wouldn’t hesitate to name Sunwoo as one of the members he could confide in readily. There was a certain comfort about being in his presence that Changmin favoured. 

No, it wasn’t how often his dongsaeng appeared in his thoughts that bothered him. Rather, it was that fluttering in his chest whenever their eyes met, or when their hands accidentally brushed each other’s during a fanmeeting. Changmin never noticed how bright Sunwoo’s smile was when it was directed at their Deobis, until he tapped on the younger’s shoulder to get his attention during one of their fanmeets. There was a certain charm and sweetness about it that stole Changmin’s breath away and he found himself thinking - What if it were directed at him instead? Sunwoo, who was so playful at times but simultaneously really mature and sincere in all his words and actions -

Changmin jerked upwards abruptly as his body was suddenly wracked in a coughing fit, his throat constricting tightly. He slammed his fist his chest in a desperate attempt to clear it, until he was finally able to in that breath of fresh air back into his lungs. Changmin could tell someone was behind him, tapping on his back to help ease his coughing fit as well.

"Hey, Changmin.” Hyunjae hyung looked down worriedly at him, his hands planted firmly on his hips. “Are you coming down with a cold?”

"I suppose so,” Changmin answered drily, choking out a laugh despite the sudden hoarseness in his throat. “Kevin and Eric must have passed it to me.”

"Ah, Kevin hyung, why are you like that?” Eric immediately yelled, pointing his finger accusingly at said perpetrator. Kevin retaliated by picking up the nearest item (Haknyeon’s left shoe) and throwing it at their youngest, shouting “Come on! It could have been either of us! Plus, I caught it from you!”

Changmin watched the two bicker in amusement, a small smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. There was never a day that passed by without any of the members squabbling like pre-school children, himself included. 

There was a hand that still down his back gently, so comfortably that Changmin had practically forgotten about its presence. He stiffened, suddenly hyper aware of Sunwoo’s presence directly behind him. 

"Feeling better, hyung?” Sunwoo asked, raising an eyebrow with that half-smile of his. 

Changmin felt the tips of his ears grow warm at the closeness between them, betraying his thoughts from earlier. Ignoring the subtle constricting in his chest, he scrambled to his feet once more.

"I’m really fine.” He answered, shaking off Sunwoo’s hand quickly. “Ice cream, anyone?”

When he was met with resounding cheers from s, just as he expected, Changmin hurried out of the practice room before anyone could notice his strange behaviour. Or before his ears betrayed him any further.

Sunwoo stared after him in confusion, wondering what exactly was wrong. 

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Changmin’s cold seemed to last for days, even stretching into weeks. It was really nearing the dates of their first fan concert and his chest was not cleared yet. Rather, it even seemed to be getting worse, forcing him to take a short rest whenever they did multiple songs in a row. s had expressed concern over it - it was odd that he was sick for so long since Changmin usually recovered pretty quickly. Sangyeon hyung had pulled him aside and asked if he wanted to sit out of a few performances or skip a few practice sessions so he could have more time to rest. But Changmin had determinedly waved away their concerns without much thought. It was just a stubborn cough and cold that he could deal with on his own. Thankfully, he hadn’t spread it to any of the other members, so it wouldn’t pose a problem to their overall performances either. 

The cold hadn’t helped Changmin’s predicament about Sunwoo either. It seemed that out of concern, the younger boy was sticking even closer to him and looking after him whenever he had a coughing fit. The more time he spent with Sunwoo alone, the more awareness he had about his odd feelings. It was always the little things, like when he’d ask for a break during their practice and Sunwoo would be the first to offer him his drink despite his sickness, or his constant reminders to dress extra warmly whenever they had a schedule. Perhaps Changmin was really overthinking it, but it made him feel warm and special inside. It was a fuzzy feeling in his chest that was often unfortunately interrupted by his bout of coughing. 

The day of their first fan concert was just a few weeks away. It was their first rehearsal at their actual venue and like all s, Changmin barely slept a wink. Out of excitement or nervousness, he tossed and turned in his bed until he finally drifted off to a shallow sleep when dawn finally broke, only to be rudely awoken by Eric’s alarm from across the hallway not long after. They were out of their dorm and at the Olympic Hall in a flash, ready to begin their full rehearsal for their first fan concert date. 

The full rehearsal was proceeding fine, until they reached the first talk segment of their concert. They had only performed two songs thus far and Changmin was feeling pretty alright, given it was nothing too intensive yet. He would worry for the next segment when he reached it. 

Of course, Sangyeon hyung suggested that they go through with the entire script for their talk segment, including the aegyo portion. Changmin would have been absolutely fine if he acted cute in front of his fans but to an empty arena with just s and the staff...gah. Still, they all wanted to pull off a good show for their Deobis so he begrudgingly went along with it. Acting cute wasn’t too difficult, given everyone had always told him his looks were naturally on the cute side. It was just...not his personality to purposefully follow after one of those cute songs. When his turn came, he pulled it off naturally as he always did, but not without cringing afterwards. As long as the fans loved it...Changmin sighed.

"Sunwoo, your turn!” Hyunjoon yelled  through his microphone, grinning widely at his friend. The dark-haired boy winced, before in an audible breath from beside Changmin. Changmin could literally see the “Do it for the Deobis” whirring in his brain. 

"Ah, hyung, help me!” Sunwoo began in a small voice, suddenly turning over to face Changmin. He froze as those pleading eyes suddenly to him. Those plump lips were pursed into a small pout. “Sunwoo is not good at aegyo :(“

It was an act that Changmin had watched multiple times on camera, but with the sole focus of all the attention suddenly directed onto him...he felt his heart was about to combust from how adorable Sunwoo was. Those doe-like eyes, the sincerity in them and the pink lips he wanted to kiss...What in the world? Changmin felt his face grow warm and unexpectedly, there was a sudden painful tightness in his chest, forcing all the air out of him.

For a very scary moment, Changmin couldn’t breathe. Shooting what he hoped was an apologetic look at Sunwoo, he turned around hurriedly and hacked away into his palm in a desperate attempt to clear whatever seemed to be lodged in his throat. The fuzziness in his chest was back, except it seemed to be working with whatever damned virus was affecting his lungs and robbing him of his breath. 

Changmin forced out a few more coughs, before the obstruction in his throat suddenly cleared. There was an odd feeling of something in his mouth.

A single, perfectly smooth red tulip petal fell into his open palm. 

Changmin stared, the stark brightness of the flower petal standing out against his palm. What...was this?

Distantly, he could hear the members laughing his sudden coughing fit off. “Sunwoo ah, were you too cute that it triggered Changmin’s sickness? You should go apologize!” 

There was a series of footsteps heading towards him across the stage. Changmin, with his back still turned to s, hurriedly stuffed the strange petal into his pocket before anyone noticed. He turned back with a smile plastered on his face, waving away Sunwoo’s concerned look.

"Wah, Sunwoo, that aegyo was pretty strong. Even the virus cringed.” He joked, watching Sunwoo’s expression filter through a multitude of emotions, from concern to relief and finally, mock anger. The younger let out a huff of annoyance, before widely gesturing for them to continue with the aegyo line. 

Throughout the rest of the rehearsal, Changmin’s thoughts couldn’t help straying to the red tulip petal that seemed to burn in his front pocket. Had that really come from...inside him? He liked scary things, but the thought that he had coughed out part of a literal flower scared the wits out of him. How was that even possible? He hadn’t been eating flowers in his sleep, had he? 

And what was he even thinking? About Sunwoo...was it affection? Love? Was that it?

It seemed like forever until their concert director finally yelled “Alright, we’re done with rehearsals for today.” Changmin immediately made a beeline for the waiting room, grabbing his phone before retreating to a corner to research what kind of alien disease could give him a flu that produced flower petals. A small part of him really hoped he had imagined everything.

The small red petal seemed to weigh his pocket down more heavily than before.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

"You said you think you have what?” Chanhee all but yelled into his face when they were back at the dorms. Changmin knew it sounded absolutely ridiculous - he had thought the same at first when his search results led him to this fictional disease about flowers growing in someone’s chest because of an unrequited love. But peculiarities of his symptoms, the fact that he had coughed out a real whole petal from literally nowhere except from inside his body, all pointed to this disease that did not exist. It did not help one bit that his most reliable definition came from a fanfiction site.

It read: Hanahaki Disease - a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings, or when the victim dies. 

"Hanahaki, Chanhee. Go search it up on Naver.” Changmin groaned, burying his face in his palms. The petal he coughed up from earlier was placed carefully on his desk, the bright red still standing out against the dark wood despite the creases it gained from its time in his pocket. He didn’t want to believe it either, but no amount of pinching would wake him up from this god awful dream. “And keep your voice down. I don’t want anyone else finding out about this.”

Changmin kept his eyes trained on the ground as he heard his friend typing away at his phone. There was a heavy silence in the air as Chanhee digested all the information online.

Finally, unable to bear the tension in the air any longer, Changmin let out a rather dry laugh.

"Guess I might end up as the first one to leave The Boyz, huh?” he joked, missing the flash of shock in his friend’s expression.

"Hey, Ji Changmin!” Chanhee hissed. There was an anger in his voice that surprised Changmin. He lifted his head slowly, only to meet the fierce glare in Chanhee’s gaze. “This is not a joking matter. If you really have this disease, you might die!”

"You think I don’t know?” Changmin retorted wearily, leaning back against the wall to avoid Chanhee’s gaze. He had spent a lot of time thinking about it on his own before coming to his friend for advice. It wasn’t something he did often, but he felt he needed someone to confirm it with him just to make sure this was all real and not some sick, twisted nightmare. When faced once again by his mortality, Changmin suddenly felt very drained. 

"Do you at least know who this person is?” Chanhee pressed again, moving to flop down beside Changmin on his bed. 

There was a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on for a while.

Someone he loved romantically, that he was literally growing a plant in his chest for and dying because his feelings were not and would practically never be returned. 

Changmin had a pretty good idea who it was.

Sunwoo’s face came into his mind’s eye almost immediately, a soft smile directed at him that sent his heart trembling even in the silence between him and Chanhee. Judging from the fluttering of his heart that began weeks ago and the unexplained feelings that rose in his chest whenever he thought of his dongsaeng, there was no doubt. They had trained together for years, but it had barely taken a few weeks of Sunwoo just being...Sunwoo for Changmin to fall completely and irrevocably for Kim Sunwoo. There was no explanation for it, no excuse to give for his improper thoughts. There was no way in which their company would let them be together, much less for Sunwoo to even think about liking Changmin romantically. It was evidently doomed for Changmin right from the moment they met properly as trainees and debuted together in the same team.

"I do.” Changmin murmured eventually, draping an arm over his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Chanhee’s reaction. The three of them were always close, after all. He really didn’t want to see what kind of disgust Chanhee would show towards him for harbouring such untoward feelings. “But he would never return my feelings.”

"He, huh?” Chanhee replied sympathetically, reaching out to rest a hand on Changmin’s shoulder. That small action really spoke a lot between the two of them and suddenly, Changmin was very much tempted to burst into tears. He had little romantic experience, most of them very brief due to the nature of his training and later, his job as an idol. He would consider himself a romantic at heart, but this degree of romanticism was not what he expected. What would his family, his fans, his team think if- no, when they eventually find out? 

"I suppose you won’t be telling me who this lucky person is.” 

Changmin remained silent. His friend knew what his answer was, either way. 

"Are you going to do anything about it?” Chanhee asked again, his grip on Changmin’s shoulder tightening. Changmin sighed, a light one that seemed to tickle the hoarseness in his throat. He wondered briefly if it was the flowers growing within him that were moved by his breathing.

"No.” 

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

For days, Changmin found himself coughing up petal after petal. It would appear whenever he danced too hard, or when Sunwoo did something that sent his heart into a tiny flip and his chest into hacking coughs. He tried to keep his distance from the other, but they had always done almost everything together - there was only so much he could do to avoid Sunwoo without being irrevocably drawn back to him, subconsciously. It was a chore, having to stuff the bright red tulip petals one after the other into the pockets of his sweatpants or hoodies. Changmin was grateful that he had Chanhee to help him discreetly hide a few that had slipped his attention, but it would only be so long before someone else found out. Kevin had even asked if he had bought tulips after noticing a couple petals on the floor in their room, to which Changmin quickly lied that he had a newfound interest in flowers. It wasn’t a complete lie, but a lie nonetheless.

After a particularly bad coughing fit forced him to hide in their company bathroom with the excuse of a stomachache, Changmin stared bitterly at the bright red tulip petals clenched tightly in his fist. Just being interacting with Sunwoo during their choreography had set him off today, a sign that his condition was indeed getting worse. The internet said the amount of time he had varied, some from mere weeks to 2 or 3 months. Changmin judged that he likely had the latter, but couldn’t help but feel completely miserable about it. The red mass in his fist only served to remind him of blood, that he was dying from inside out and he couldn’t do anything but accept his fate.

Red tulips.

Changmin scoffed, stuffing the handful of petals into the toilet to flush them away. Tulips were often used as a declaration of love and red ones, a symbol of ‘forever’ love. It was striking, given that he would likely never declare his one-sided love for Sunwoo until his time ran out. He supposed he would literally be taking it to his grave ‘forever’. 

He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, the bags under his eyes standing out against his skin. With the constant coughing, he was constantly tired from having to wake up in fits. A splash of cold water always served to forcefully brighten him up.

Changmin returned to their practice room, gearing himself for another practice session for their fan concert. When he stepped back into the bright lights and the sound of laughter echoing throughout the room, he found that the members were piled on each other in a giant human stack, Eric being the poor soul stuck at the very bottom.

Sunwoo, noticing his entrance, waved (or rather, shook his arm awkwardly in what seemed to be a poor attempt at one) from the middle of the ‘hamburger’, a beam etched across his face. It was stunning and Changmin found himself smiling back without thinking. All his worries seemed to disappear and slip away from his mind in an instant, just from this one, small action.

The petals tickled the back of his throat as he leapt forward to join them at the top of the pile, much to Eric’s dismay. 

Changmin found he didn’t really mind, if he could see Sunwoo’s bright smile directed at him. To stay by his side for as long as he selfishly could afford to. The warmth in his chest seemed to overpower the tightness that threatened to suffocate him.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

There were days that Changmin struggled to force food down his throat, days that he could barely get through one song before he was on his knees gasping for air. It seemed as though the tulips growing in his lungs had their roots wrapped tightly around him, rejecting all the delicious meat he desperately wanted to enjoy, reducing how much air was taken in with every harsh breath he took. Two months or so had passed since the first onset of his ‘symptoms’ and everyone around him was worried, except Changmin himself. 

Changmin never realised how much worse he had gotten until they were styled into their costumes for their fan concerts and their stylist commented that she needed to get him a smaller size. Chanhee overheard, of course and pulled him aside.

"Ji Changmin,” he hissed, worry palpable in his expression. “Have you taken a good look at yourself?”

Changmin shook his head slowly and Chanhee sighed, gently pushing him in front of a full-length mirror. His friend seemed to be treating him as though he were made of glass and standing in front of the mirror, he could see why.

With the plants growing within him, Changmin had gradually began eating less and less. He was already skinny to begin with, but there was a slightly sunken look to his cheeks. His collarbones seemed to stick out more prominently than before. His face was much paler than before - he looked like he was exhausted without even doing anything, and he felt like that too. It would not be noticeable if someone simply glanced over him, but once you took a good hard look, anyone could tell something was wrong with Changmin.

"It’s inevitable.” Changmin finally said, his shoulders sagging as he took a good, final look at himself in the mirror. He would never confess his feelings - he never wanted to burden Sunwoo with his feelings. It was awful and Changmin felt in this situation, it was literally asking him to love himself or he would die. He could accept it if Sunwoo didn’t share the same feelings for him. He would never forgive himself, however, if he forced Sunwoo to believe guilt and love were the same things. “We knew this from the beginning.”

"Changmin ah…” There was pity in Chanhee’s eyes, but Changmin refused to look. He turned over to where the other members were and coincidentally, he met Sunwoo’s gaze. The younger had been looking over in curiosity, but his face immediately brightened when Changmin turned around. 

"Q hyung! Do you want to eat Dakgalbi after this? I’m really craving it!” 

With a smile that he hoped could match the warmth he was feeling in his chest, Changmin agreed. 

In that short hour or so at the Dakgalbi restaurant, Changmin laughed and smiled the brightest he had in weeks. They talked about anything and everything under the sun and for once, Changmin’s chest felt light and free of any burdens. Joy blossomed from deep within him, something he hadn’t felt in a long while.

"Hey, Changmin hyung,” Sunwoo asked after a brief lapse in their previous conversation. “Have you ever been in love?”

Taken aback by the sudden change in topic, Changmin fell silent, observing the dark-haired boy sitting opposite him. There were a million things he wanted to say, but only so few he could actually do so out loud.

"Yeah,” Changmin answered lightly. His gaze locked onto Sunwoo’s and for a moment, neither of them said anything. He was the first to look away, his heart thudding loudly in his chest. “I have.”

"What about right now? Do you have someone in mind?” Sunwoo pressed, suddenly interested. He leaned forward, eyes wide with curiosity. The clean musk of his pinewood cologne washed over Changmin, easily masking the oil and bean paste of the Dakgalbi restaurant. He swallowed thinly.

"Yes, I do.” The answer came out as more of a whisper than he had intended. It hung in the air between the two of them and for a moment, Changmin swore Sunwoo looked slightly disappointed. That look disappeared in a flash, however. He might have imagined it in the first place, Changmin reasoned. Sunwoo moved onto another part of their conversation very naturally, leaving him wondering about Sunwoo himself. He finally settled with the thought that he didn’t really want to know - regardless of the answer, it would crush him.

That was the last time he ate out with Sunwoo, or any of his other members. 

It was increasingly difficult to force down any solid food and Changmin always had to pretend he was busy to avoid going out with anyone other than Chanhee. Even then, he often left his food untouched, much to the other’s concern. Changmin simply shrugged in response, stating he wasn’t hungry. It was a shame, really. But he had grown to accept it. As long as he had enough energy to sing and dance, he would be fine.

Finally, the date of their fan concert arrived. Changmin was determined to perform this show till the end. They didn’t have another concert in the coming months as they were to begin preparations for their comeback soon. He didn’t know how long he had left, but this fan concert had been something their team had yearned for since their debut and Changmin really wanted all 12 of them to do it together. He took it easy during rehearsals to save his strength for the actual concert and thankfully, the flowers seemed to settle down, knowing the importance of the fan concert of Changmin.

Throughout the fan concert, Changmin forced down every single petal that threatened to make itself known. The cheering from their fans and the bright smiles of everyone’s faces were enough motivation to keep himself going throughout the entire evening, despite his dwindling energy and the intense urge to spit all the damned tulips out. It was especially difficult towards the end, when they were giving their closing ment and he had to struggle to breathe in between his words of gratefulness and the petals choking him. But he held them back, until the lights went dark and all of them disappeared behind the backstage curtains.

Their first fan concert in Seoul was over.

Almost immediately, hidden away from prying eyes with the cheers of the fans still coming from the stage, Changmin doubled over in pain. All the tulip petals that he had forcefully bitten down were now resurfacing with a vengeance, spilling out from his lungs past his lips and onto the ground. His body was wracked with violent coughs and for once, Changmin felt like he was about to cough all his insides through his mouth. 

At that moment, it felt like there was an endless supply of plant falling from his open mouth. Petals, whole tulips to even leaves, made their appearance on the floor before him. All of them were a bright red and from their natural colouring or his blood, Changmin couldn’t tell. 

There were panicked voices coming from around him and a hustle and bustle of activity before a container was before him to contain all the flowers that were spilling out of him. Changmin couldn’t even tell, his sight blurred with tears from the pain in his chest and throat. 

He couldn’t hide it any longer. Everyone knew now.

It took a while before Changmin’s desperate and violent hacking turned into a slew of gentler coughs, finally allowing him to breathe shallowly. There was blood and spit hanging from his lips. He probably looked like death.

Changmin let his eyes fall to a close as he bent over the almost-filled container. The red mass of tulips before him seemed to burn into his eyelids, appearing before him even with his eyes screwed tightly shut. There were still petals falling from his lips and a tightness in his chest that refused to go away.

"Changmin, Changmin!” An urgent voice came from beside him. Chanhee. “Can you hear me?”

Changmin nodded his head slightly, although even just that small action felt like the hardest thing to do in the world. 

"We’re going to take you back to the dorm first, okay?” 

Another nod.

There was a distant sound of voices arguing above him, then a gradual silence.

Changmin felt someone move the container away forcefully from him and he didn’t even have the energy to resist. His arms sagged, unable to support his weight any further. Changmin distantly registered a choked sob from above him. Was he really in such a sorry state? That was awful.

A pair of arms caught him before his body hit the ground and with his eyes still closed, Changmin registered the scent of pinewood surrounding him. Strangely, it seemed to help him somewhat, easing the tightness in his chest as he was lifted off the ground and pressed tightly against a firm chest. He in a breath of relief, filled once more by the woodsy cologne from whoever was carrying him. 

For once, he was at peace. And he drifted off into a fitful sleep.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

When Changmin finally awoke, it was unfortunately to another fit of coughing, the bright red petals making their way past his lips and onto the sheets. He was back in the dorm, he realised, in his own bed. The scent of blood and fresh flowers hung thickly in the air. A gentle hand immediately reached forward to prop him up, patting his back rhythmically to help ease his coughing. Changmin fell back against the headboard of his bed, exhausted.

"Sunwoo…” he croaked, finally registering who was seated by his bedside. Changmin winced at the sound of his voice, likening it to the grating of two metal plates in his throat. He hated it.

"Hyung,” Sunwoo began slowly, his eyes downcast. His hand was gripping Changmin’s tightly. “Why did you never tell me, o-or any of us?”

The dark-haired boy looked up and Changmin realised with a jolt that there were tears sparking in those doe-like eyes. His heart ached at the sight. Sunwoo never liked letting anyone see him cry...Changmin frowned.

"Why are you crying?” He murmured. Without thinking, his hand reached out to pat away a stray tear that made its way down Sunwoo’s cheek. The grip on his hand tightened slightly and Sunwoo tried his best to choke down a sob that rose unbidden in his chest. 

"Chanhee hyung told all of us.” Sunwoo sniffed determinedly, leaving Changmin’s question unanswered. Despite the firm set to his mouth, there were still tears leaking uncontrollably from his eyes. It was an awfully endearing sight, really. Changmin couldn’t help but bite back a smile. “So who is it?”

"Who is it that you love so much it’s worth dying for?”

Changmin kept silent, his smile fading from his lips. But his gaze never left Sunwoo’s. An unexplainable emotion seemed to bloom in his chest. 

"Hyung, why won’t you tell me who it is?” Sunwoo was sobbing now, a broken sound that made Changmin’s heart ache and his chest tighten. The younger was an ‘ugly crier’, his eyes and nose reddening rapidly. But Changmin never once found this Sunwoo to be so. It was cute, even if he was currently the cause of all the pain and distraught. Wordlessly, Changmin reached out to wipe away at the streaks that were left on his cheeks. 

"Hyung, please…”

"Is it one of the members?” Sunwoo finally asked, his voice barely above a whisper. There was a pause as Changmin contemplated his answer. He decided it couldn’t hurt even more to tell the truth. Closing his eyes, there was a brief nod. 

Sunwoo was silent for a moment, before he abruptly got to his feet. There was a determined look in his eyes, a steely glint that Changmin often bore witness to when Sunwoo had his mind set on something and nothing could convince him otherwise. He suddenly regretted giving any answer at all. 

"I’ll find out who this person is, hyung.” Sunwoo declared, his hands reaching up to dab away at the moisture pooling in his eyes. “There is no way they don’t love someone as amazing as you.”

With that, Sunwoo left Changmin’s room, clearing the tulips Changmin had coughed out by the armful as he went along. The door was shut quietly behind him, leaving Changmin alone in the dark room with the sickeningly sweet scent of his tulips and his own thoughts. 

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Outside, the members were all in a mess. They had gathered almost immediately the moment Sunwoo stepped out of the room, all of them sharing the same worry for their member. Eric was practically in tears, huddled in a ball in Juyeon’s side as the elder tried to comfort him, despite his own fear evident on his face. Chanhee sighed, wringing his hands before him. He had expected this sort of reaction from s from the moment Changmin had told him about his ailment and even more so when his friend had collapsed after their fan concert. It took a lot of explaining and convincing to not immediately send Changmin to the hospital. But nothing would prepare him for actually facing the reality.

"Alright, everyone.” Sunwoo declared solemnly, his hands clasped together before him. His eyes were puffy and red from crying, but everyone was waiting to hear what he had to say, since he was the only one who had gotten to talk to Changmin thus far. It wasn’t like the other members didn’t care, but Sunwoo hadn’t left Changmin’s side ever since he carried him back to the dorm. “He said it’s one of us.”

There was a moment of silence. In all honesty, it was rather awkward. Changmin had an unrequited love for one of them. Chanhee finally understood a bit of why Changmin was so reluctant to share who exactly he decided was worth dying for. It would definitely change the relationship of their team for good and if that person really didn’t love Changmin back...The Boyz would probably have to disband. Chanhee dreaded to even think about the outcome. 

"Chanhee, Sunwoo,” Sangyeon hyung began gruffly. His voice was thick with unshed tears. If the situation were not as dire as it was, Chanhee would have laughed. Sangyeon cleared his throat once more. “You two are the closest to Changmin. Do y’all have any ideas?”

"Maybe it’s Younghoon hyung?” Sunwoo suggested. There was a slight undertone in his voice that Chanhee couldn’t exactly place his finger on, but he supposed that was because he just cried a lot and likely did not have the best throat condition. “The Bbangkyu ship is pretty popular. Maybe Changmin hyung believed it too.”

Younghoon shook his head determinedly. “Changmin once told me I felt like a close childhood friend or a close relative he liked to play around with. I don’t think he would feel anything for me, romantically.” 

There were a few sighs from their circle. Chanhee agreed - at this rate, all of them were going to deny anything, intentionally or not, and they would never reach their answer. All of them wanted to help Changmin, but it was difficult, especially when they were burdened by the need to save him from the literal brink of death. Chanhee knew it wasn’t him either - else, Changmin would never have confided in him in the first place. He let his gaze drift from member to member, wracking his brain for any past interactions that could give them a hint.

"You guys don’t have to think so hard,” came an airy, breathless voice from behind them. Chanhee whipped his head around, almost giving himself whiplash in the process. Changmin stood in the doorway to their room, a blanket wrapped around himself. He looked so, so frail that Chanhee could almost hear his own heart breaking at the sight. Changmin was like a wet paper doll - he could tear with any wrong action. It was evident that the others felt the same. Eric hid himself even deeper into the crook of Juyeon’s arm. “Just think about it.”

"Regardless of the outcome, nothing good will come out of this.” Changmin smiled sadly as he made his way to the sofa. “If I live, it will only make things awkward between all of us. The company will object too. It’ll be better if you just leave me be and announce that I left the group due to health reasons. You all can continue to live your dream.”

"Hyung, what are you even saying?” Sunwoo burst out, giving Chanhee the biggest shock of his life. The younger was glaring intensely at Changmin, his hands clenched into tight fists by his sides. “Why are you thinking that we would put our job above you? Do we all mean so little to you that you would think that?”

Ah...Chanhee thought, watching the two face each other with similar expressions mirrored on their faces. One absolutely livid and the other, a subtle resignation. But there was an equal amount of pain, guilt and...he sighed, partly out of relief.

The answer was right there in front of them.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Changmin could feel his limbs shaking from overexertion as he pulled the blanket tighter around himself. He was simply standing, but facing such an angry Sunwoo, it seemed to sap away all his remaining energy. If a confession was his saving grace, anger and hatred would kill him off even faster. And perhaps, Changmin would rather prefer that his time come a little sooner. He was simply bringing all s so much pain, especially Sunwoo, who was still on his feet facing him with hurt written all over his face.

"I’m not worth the time, guys.” Changmin began, raising a hand to stop the onslaught of protests at his accusation. “I’d rather die not knowing the answer than being told in my face that he doesn’t love me back.”

The last part ended in a whisper, Changmin himself barely able to say his innermost thoughts and fears out loud. It was unreasonable, denying that there was even a possibility that Sunwoo, who was so sweet and so desperately trying to help him, loved him back. But looking at the anger on his face, Changmin didn’t think he could survive the answer he got in the end. 

"Why are you not even trying, hyung?” Sunwoo was crying again, fresh tears streaming down his cheeks. At that moment, it felt like everything in the background faded into a buzzing in Changmin’s ears. All he could see was Sunwoo, Sunwoo, Sunwoo and feel acutely the wetness pooling in his eyes. “Even if you might not get the answer you want, can’t you try? For us?”

"Guys-”

"You think I’m doing this all for myself, Kim Sunwoo? You think I chose to die willingly to save myself?” Changmin didn’t know where this sense of injustice came from, but it bubbled up from within him and spilled over, just as the tears did from his eyes and the whole tulips falling from his parted lips. It hurt so much, but Changmin couldn’t stand it, not when all he wanted was for Sunwoo to live happily without being burdened by his own damned feelings- 

"You dreamed for so many years to be an idol rapper? You think I want to take that away from you, knowing how hard you worked? I love you, Kim Sunwoo! Why on earth would I want to condemn you to a life of misery with someone like me?”

"H-hyung, I-”

There was a moment of shocked silence, but Changmin didn’t have the headspace to register what he had just said. The flowers were spilling past his lips, covered in blood and spittle from overexerting himself. Changmin clawed at his throat as a huge mass made its way through his chest, no longer caring about the sharp pain from within him. He desperately needed this plant out of him, for good. 

Bit by bit, the mass of red flowers, dark green leaves and a tangled mess of gnarled roots made its way out of Changmin’s body. There amidst the blood and even bits of flesh hanging grossly in the air, a whole, living tulip with its satin red petals grinning crassly at them all.

Seeing the tulips in the flesh, a twisted sign of all his love for Kim Sunwoo. His lungs were a raw, bleeding mass but finally, he could finally breathe a little better...

For once, Changmin let his consciousness slip away with a fire raging in his chest but a small smile on his face. 

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

It was pitch black all around him.

Changmin didn’t know how long he spent trapped in the darkness, his mind drifting in and out of consciousness. There were always voices around him, always someone saying something to him or to someone else in the room with him. But Changmin could never manage to make out what exactly was being said before he went back under. 

He spent a long time alone in the pitch black. 

Was this what death was like? Changmin was way past his time...Sunwoo hadn’t felt the same. Was it supposed to be this...empty? It wasn’t much like what he expected at all.

Changmin patted his chest gently, as if to check if there was anything left behind for him. Perhaps it was the sentimental side of him that hoped for a souvenir of all the pain he had gone through for the sake of his unrequited love. Painful as it was, he seemed to remember every smile and every laugh he’d shared with Sunwoo more acutely than before. But it wasn’t like he was there anymore - his lungs were free, with no cursed tulips robbing them of their life. 

There was a small tug in his chest. A brief one that Changmin would’ve easily missed were it not for the vast amount of nothing that filled his senses. 

Another tug, with greater vehemence this time. Changmin frowned in annoyance. Why was it not leaving him alone? He was already stuck here, all alone in this pitch blackness, after going through all of that. Did that stupid fictional disease curse him to an eternal damnation as well?

There was a third, final tug - on his arm this time - and Changmin found himself flying forward, in a spiral through the endless void.

“Changmin hyung…” 

“Ji Changmin…”

“Hey, if you still want me to acknowledge you as my hyung you better open your eyes…”

“How many times do I have to say it back for you to just open your eyes and look at me?”

“I love you, I love you so so much please just wake up hyung, I-”

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Changmin blinked. 

In an instant, bright lights seemed to flood his vision, blinding him momentarily. Changmin frowned - was he not just swallowed by that void? Where was he now?

The slow, mechanical beeping of machines joined the stark white tiled walls. The scent of alcohol and something familiar filled his senses. 

He was in a hospital.

Pinewood.

Sunwoo?

Changmin jerked up with a start, his lungs hurriedly in a deep gulp of fresh air. Sterile as it was, it was clean and untainted by the sickening sweetness of his tulips. He didn’t even know when was the last time he had been able to take in such a large breath and literally taste the delicious oxygen in it. 

"H-hyung?” 

There was a slight tremor in the voice from beside him. Changmin didn’t even need to turn and look to tell who it was. 

"Changmin, are you really here?” Sunwoo’s grip on his wrist tightened to an almost painful degree. It almost made him forget that Sunwoo had miraculously dropped honorifics with him just because he was lying on his deathbed. Or was it because of his ridiculous confession?

"Kim Sunwoo, what did you just call me?” Changmin asked drily, his voice grating painfully in his throat. Sunwoo quickly handed him a glass of water, a gentle tinkling laugh filling the space between them. There was a subtle reddening around the younger’s eyes and Changmin would have about crying before...everything happened. 

"Ah, hyung,” Sunwoo finally sniffed, hurriedly brushing away the wetness pooling in his eyes with his usual nonchalance. “You must’ve heard wrong.”

Changmin cocked an eyebrow in his direction, but his look of incredulity did not last. There was a brief pause as their eyes met, unspoken words hanging thickly between them of things said and left unsaid. 

Changmin swallowed, tearing his gaze away. What was this? He woke up from what seemed to be a sudden death, then he was back in a hospital with Sunwoo beside him. Was this...real?

"How long was I gone?” 

"About a week or so?” Sunwoo his lips hesitantly, his gaze darting between Changmin and the door. “I honestly didn’t keep track. They just said you had an awful case of pneumonia and none of that...hanahaki stuff.”

Another pause, both of them avoiding each other’s gazes determinedly.

"Hyung, the other members are waiting outside. Do you want me to-”

"Sunwoo.” Changmin interrupted, finally gearing up enough courage to face the cause of this entire mess in the first place. From the moment he had woken up in this hospital bed with various machines attached to him, Changmin hadn’t really cared or spared a thought for anything else other than the person sitting in front of him. He really wondered how exactly he had survived? Was he not supposed to die if his love was not returned? The voices he had heard - Sunwoo’s voice. Was that real?

"I love you.” Changmin murmured, his gaze never leaving Sunwoo’s face. “I really do and I’m so sorry I forced you into believing something that isn’t real out of guilt to save me-”

"Ji Changmin,” Sunwoo gaped at him, something akin to disbelief flickering in his dark brown eyes. Changmin slumped against the headboard, too stunned by the tone of his interruption to even realise the lack of honorifics. (Not that he minded, really. He would much rather Sunwoo call him something else, maybe-) “How many times do I have to convince you that you are so much more than you believe you are worth?”

Changmin gaped at Sunwoo wordlessly, his weak heart too enraptured by the subtle flash of genuine anger in the younger’s gaze.

"I love you too, hyung. Since a long while ago.” Sunwoo frowned, his hand reaching over to cup Changmin’s face gently. “I just never thought you would feel the same.”

Sunwoo’s voice dropped off into a whisper, almost as though he was afraid of saying it out loud. 

They stared at each other for a moment, Changmin’s brain whirring to process the sudden information to even move an inch. Sunwoo’s gaze lowered ever so slightly, his lashes fanning across his cheeks prettily. 

"Really?” Changmin’s voice came out hoarser than he’d intended, his breath stolen away by the proximity between them.

He watched, mesmerised, as Sunwoo’s lips curved up into a small smile.

There was a short pause. Ah, screw it, Changmin thought, his eyes fluttering shut as he leaned forward and closed the distance between the two of them.

Changmin was never one to spout poetry about his emotions, but if he imagined himself to be a twelve year-old fanboy, he would be squealing in happiness.

Their lips met slowly, a shy and hesitant moment that both of them surely felt an unexpected surge of nervousness for. Changmin had thought about it, but he never expected Sunwoo’s lips to be so soft and gentle against his own. It sent shivers down his spine in a good way and he was sorely tempted to never let it end, ever. 

Changmin drank in the feeling of the younger against him, his brain buzzing Sunwoo, Sunwoo, Sunwoo happily. If this was a drug, then Changmin found himself addicted at the first taste. It seemed like they were enveloped into their own warm little bubble. A hesitant hand slipped upwards to cup his neck gently and Changmin found himself smiling into the kiss, bumping teeth with Sunwoo more often than he’d intended.

"ARGH MY EYES!” Eric yelled as he burst into the room, immediately back-tracking into his hyungs, all of whom had been as eager to visit Changmin as he had been. With a lot of hushed screaming and crying laughter, there were a series of mumbled apologies before the door finally slid shut behind them all.

With a nervous laugh, they parted. Changmin felt his cheeks grow hot and noticed Sunwoo’s ears hadn’t fared any better, reaching a shade almost as bright as the tulips that sat in the vase by his bedside. He hadn’t noticed them before, but it seemed to be the very same ones that threatened to suffocate him before - now, a separate entity from himself and blossoming very much in their presence.

"This will be so awkward,” Sunwoo groaned, smacking his forehead squarely with his palm. Changmin grinned at him, his chest lighter than ever. 

They would face their members later and after that their company; If they needed to, their fans, the industry and perhaps even the entire world. But sitting in this hospital bed, with teary eyes from laughter and the tips of their ears a frighteningly bright shade of red, Changmin thought that perhaps it wasn’t too bad after all.

With Sunwoo, there had been pain, trauma and almost a loss. But with Sunwoo, something else had blossomed too and Changmin found that it made their happy ending all the more sweeter.