“Hyung you free today?” asked Jaehyun.

 

 

 

“After I send my kids to daycare I am. Waeyo?”

 

 

 

“Shall we meet up for americano??"

 

 

 

“Sure why not. Do you want me to fetch you? Jakanman.. is it just you and me? Or with Yunha? Cause im guessing if you’re with Yunha, you might bring your car along already.”

 

 

 

“I brought my car cause I’m at IKEA to find some stuff for my new apartment. But yes. It’s just us. Yunha is at work. Hyung I need some advice. HAHAHA.”

 

 

 

“Oooo sounds serious. Okay sure. You just stay where you are and I’ll come to you in about 30 minutes?”

 

 

 

“Okay Hyung.. Ittabwa..”

---

 

So apparently, Jaehyun and Yunha had bought/rented a new apartment in advanced for them to stay in after the wedding. Although it may seem like they were taking their relationship real slow, but behind the scenes, they actually got a lot of stuff done.

 

 

Their wedding is four months from now. (Current date end of October 2021) But the stuff they got done is not for the wedding. It was more for the life after marriage part.

Successfully purchasing the 2 room loft apartment, Jaehyun and Yunha is currently co-habituating with each other as and when their schedule permits. Jaehyun has started filming his drama and Yunha has been real busy with Seoul Autumn fashion week.

 

 

Jaehyunnie had been the one slowly making the apartment look homely and cozy for the two. Their relationship maintains. No unnecessary arguments. Less jealousy and more trust now? Yeah. They found their common ground and learn to understand one and another better.

 

 

Wondering what was the advice that Jaehyun wanted to ask about to Johnny? Stay tuned.. :)

 

 

 After half an hour as spoken on the phone earlier, Johnny arrived at the IKEA café where Jaehyun was waiting for him after dropping off his kids.

“Youngwon noona is at work?” asked Jaehyun.

 

 

“Yeah she had resumed work already. Well you know, a parent got to do what a parent gotta do.. It’s for our triplets future.” Answered Johnny sipping on his iced americano.

 

 

“Ah geurae… But Hyung, you’ve earned enough for Youngwon noona to stop working.”

 

 

“Ahahahahha try telling that to her. I’ve told her so many times that it’s okay for her to not work but she insisted. So it’s alright, as long as she is happy and not overtiring herself. We’re good.”

 

 

“I guess that’s what independent woman are like huh.. Cause Yunha is also the same. She earns more than me I bet. HAHAHA.”

 

 

“Yunha is different Yuno yah.. she had built her foundation in the fashion industry for a while now so if you told her to stop working, it will have more cons than the pros you know. I bet she will flipped.”

 

 

“Yeah she will. But yeah again as long as she is happy.”

 

 

“Anyways, what’s the thing you wanted advice about. Also, why does it always have to be me hahahah. Every time.. You could have asked your parents.” asked Johnny.

 

 

“Nah.. Its different. Theirs is more traditional whilst yours Hyung is more of the current and we can relate to each other more. But actually its not really much but I just thought of asking you a few stuff about marriage life. Like what I need to have or know before getting married. You know your speech at WooJae’s wedding had made me have a lot of thoughts about the life after marriage instead of the wedding. I don’t know why.”

 

 

“Yeah I mean, I’m sure you and Yunha talk a lot about it as well. Ironically Yuno, before romantic love became the basis for marriage. Marriage was based on a contractual binding of individuals, property and families. I mean marriage is still a contract and it is a lifelong commitment.”

 

“Our focus on romantic love as the basis for marriage has a definite downside, though it makes a pretty picture at the beginning. Like for example, What’s not to like about a guy proposing in public at a café in Paris? And the girl said Yes.”

 

 

“Who doesn’t love stories of friends who hung out for years and then, out of the blue, realized love was in the air? Many of the conversations we need to have with our future life partner are avoided precisely because they're so unromantic.”

 

 

“These talks involve subjects that can reveal chinks in the relationship, which romantic love enables us to look away from. Even though the failure rate of marriage is like 40% or so is well-known, we're all sure it doesn’t apply to us because our love is real and solid. That’s what I feel when I decided to marry your Youngwon Noona.” Explained Johnny as Jaehyun sat and listen earnestly.

 

 

“Even with all of that, yet marriage is complicated because we are complicated. Each of us brings into marriage a boatload of unarticulated thoughts about what it means to be married based on what we’ve seen, heard, experienced, or formulated in contrast to our parents’ example and those unconscious thoughts influence our behaviour and reactions.”

 

 

“Marriage has its own set of myths, including the one that says that whatever is wrong with your relationship will be fixed by the commitment marriage represents.”

 

 

“For example, couples tend to live together first as a good trial run to see how marriage might go. I readily admit that I too believed in this even though that was not the case in my own starter marriage. It turns out that living together is a lousy idea because instead of us learning about each other more. We explored each other physically instead. Hence, the unplanned pregnancy. What more Triplets.”

 

 

“It will surprise no one that these marriages are more likely to be stressed, but thank God that Youngwon and I got through it because of our positive mindsets and goals in life. Which is, Happiness is our main priority.”

 

 

“Ooooooo. I see.. But after all its about communicating right?” asked Jaehyun.

 

 

“Yas.. Go home, sit down with Yunha and have a real talk with her. Talk about your finances, your communication, your own personalities, the idea of your future partnership and also raising children. Like I know, yall are taking it slow and going with the flow. But at least have a plan. Especially for a person like you, that might screw up in the midst of the preparation. HAHAHAH.” Advised Johnny while teasing Jaehyun.

 

 

“Hyung.. Don’t jinx it. Mannn… I’m getting nervous as the date approaches.”

“You’ll be fine.” Said Johnny reassuring Jaehyun.

---

 

 

So what were the topics that Johnny mentioned earlier that Jaehyun is suppose to do homework on?

 

 

1. Money

 

This is one thing no one wants to talk about because it seems so unromantic and slightly sensitive. Most of us are brought up being told that one's finances are personal and never shared. That said, research shows that disagreement over finances is the No. 1 cause of divorce, even trumping infidelity.

 

 

Money is both real and symbolic, and that may not figure into your purview when you’re engaged to someone and each of you has a separate checking account. You may have noticed that your partner has a different attitude towards money than you do. He might be more cautious or spendthrift than you are, or she might seem a bit careless and more in debt than you think is healthy, but that only becomes a joint issue after you’re married.

 

 

Talking about money includes a discussion of who will make money and how decisions regarding spending will be made. Exploring attitudes towards debts and savings and what you’d do if your situation changes.

 

 

Like if one of you loses her or his job or decides to restart and go back to school, or if someone stays home with a child. It's important that you are capable of agreeing on financial goals, too.

 

 

Talking about money is important because arguments about money aren’t always just about money. They may reflect how each partner feels about power, commitment, respect, and fairness in the relationship. Sometimes arguing about money is easier than tackling the deep seated conflicts and disappointments that are at the heart of a failing marriage.

 

 

2. How you argue/communicate

 

It’s not whether you argue, but HOW you argue that matters. Being conscious and aware of the patterns in your arguments is terrifically important. You need to pay attention if one of the really toxic patterns is present, such as Demand or Withdraw. This pattern describes a scenario in which one person makes a demand and the other person withdraws, both literally and emotionally. Typically, it’s the woman in the demand position but not always and it can also be a function of an imbalance of power in the relationship.

 

 

For example, if one person makes most or all of the money and thinks that entitles him or her to make all of the decisions, the person making the demand for change is likely to be the person with less power. Similarly, the person who desires change whether in the structure of the relationship, the allocation of responsibilities, or anything else will find him or herself in the demand situation.

 

 

The problem with this pattern is that escalation is built into it. As person A, who makes the demand, becomes more and more frustrated by person B’s withdrawal, it’s likely that the he or she will amp up the volume. That in return, only makes person B even more inclined to withdraw and perhaps become aggressive or mocking and then both parties feel aggrieved.

 

 

You and your partner should know about these, be vigilant should they appear and be prepared to fix them. Criticism, or attacking someone on the basis of their personality or intending to abuse or insult your partner’s defensiveness can include refusal to take responsibility, withdrawal and silent treatments which is a component of demand and withdraw.

 

 

If your arguments fall into these patterns or are beginning to, do not count on your vows to fix things. You and your partner have to consciously fix them together. Humans are egositic to be more reactive to bad events and exchanges than good ones.

 

 

3. How you understand each other personalities

 

This one is less obvious but it really packs in heavy.

 

 

Every marriage will go through periods of stress and periods when one person’s needs or goals change, or one person wants to grow in ways that the other doesn’t. Or it may simply be that one partner isn’t happy with the status quo of the relationship and wants things to change.

 

 

Your beliefs about personality whether you believe it’s fixed and immutable or workable and subject to change are key to navigating these periods of stress. The more you believe that personality, behaviour, and character are shapable, the better you’ll be able to negotiate times that require change. You’ll be willing to learn and try, put in effort, address the wrongs and increase understanding of each other personalities.

 

 

People who believe that personality is fixed won’t make much effort or put much faith in change and that can be a deal-breaker.

 

 

4. Future Partnership

 

Marriage is a partnership that can take many different forms depending on the emotional needs of the people in it. The important thing is to articulate and define how you and your soon-to-be spouse see your marriage.

 

 

Will it be drawn along the traditional lines, with one partner focused on finances and the other on running the household, even if you’re both working?

 

 

Or are you looking for a more parallel relationship? How will you balance your or your partner’s need for stability while maintaining intimacy?

 

 

Some people marry and make few shifts from their former single lives. They still socialize with their own friends and keep their money separate from their spouses and are content to live on parallel tracks that sometimes connect.

 

 

Other people want to function as a couple by sharing interests, friends and assets into a single shared pool. Being clear about your own needs, your desires for intimacy, for stability and support must come before the talk.

 

 

Even though dependence on a spouse has gotten a bad reputation for male being the wage earner, with a wife in the kitchen being circling but independent planets may not be the best answer either.

 

 

Contrary to the stereotypes, knowing you can depend on someone actually makes you more independent, more willing to take risks, more resilient if initial efforts fail and more interested in exploring opportunities.

 

 

Last but not least…

 

 

5. Raising children

 

Not just about what adorable kids the two of you might someday make together but a real discussion about raising them. As we think about marriage in terms of romance, we often don’t focus on what kind of a mother or father the partner we’ve chosen for ourselves. Like what that person who thrills us might make. But I don’t think I need to remind anyone that disagreements about raising kids are a leading cause of divorce.

 

This talk should ideally follow your discussion about childhood. Are you likely to replicate how you were raised in terms of discipline, expectation, and treatment, or are you in full rebellion?

 

 

Explore whether you think a hippy-dippy approach is one you might favour, whether you’ll be the kind of parent who’s going to study up and decide what’s best for the child, or whether you want to try to co-parent as best as you can and throw traditional roles to the wind.

 

 

If you have very different visions of how to raise a child, that's worth paying attention to.

 

 

Anyhoos.. There’s no way to “divorce-proof” in a marriage, but an enhanced ability to communicate thoughts and feelings is as close as you can get. Have real talks about real issues before you ride off into the sunset to help put the two of you on the road you need to be on.

 

 

And that’s all for today folks. Marriage Education 101. See yall in the next chapter! :)

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