Last December 2020, Youngjae had skipped a period (menstrual cycle) and which she had never experienced it before. She always had regular periods like a normal woman would but she didn’t on that particular month. It was strange to her because she was experiencing the bloating, nausea and cramping. All of those were signs and symptoms of her period coming but it didn’t happened. She even thought that she was pregnant.

She was terrified and so she got her body check when she experienced massive abdomen pain. Rushed to the ER and the resident doctor had ordered a pelvic ultrasound on her instead. While she was relieved for not being pregnant, the doctor had discovered that she was having an Ovarian Cyst in her.

The Ovarian Cyst that Youngjae had was kind of like an almond shape cyst about 4cm long. From Youngjae’s understanding, sometimes when a woman ovary releases an egg and it doesn’t released the egg properly, it can create fluid filled sac/cyst. That is a simplified way of explaining things. There were a lot more to it but that was what she gathered when talking to her doctor.

The doctor had suggested a few ways to remediate her condition. One was via medication (Hormonal Contraceptives) and two removal of cyst by undergoing surgery.

Right after her ultrasound test, she got home to arguing with Jungwoo about not wanting to take the birth control pills as she was still in pain and consuming it will just make her hormones go loco. She was also afraid of the side effects of the pills. Jungwoo was being a little insensitive about her condition. Mainly because he couldn’t relate to the matter himself as he is guy and obviously Youngjae is a woman. They fought and gave each other cold shoulders. Jungwoo left to let Youngjae cool herself down.

The following day, Youngjae experienced a major sharp pain at her pelvic area. She went to the bathroom and she found herself bleeding. She didn’t panic as during her consultation with her doctor, She did mentioned that because she skipped a period once, it doesn’t mean she will not get it forever.

The way a woman body works is, one ovary will released an egg and another ovary will release the period flow. So when Youngjae was bleeding it was a positive sign that her ovaries were not blocked. That was one headache cleared.

“Youngjae ah mianhae.. I was insensitive about your condition. I’m really sorry baby.. Please forgive me..” said Jungwoo apologetically. Youngjae was feeling much better after a few days of being apart from their silent treatment hahah.

“It’s okay.. It’s not entirely your fault. It was only about 98.7% your fault. Heheheeh..” replied Youngjae giggling.
 

“Yahhhh.. but right now are you feeling slightly better?” asked Jungwoo concerned.

“I am.. In fact I got my period a day after you left me.”

“Jinjja??! That’s great news then..”

“But that doesn’t mean the cyst has gone away.. It is still there though.. The doctor said it will probably go away within 8 weeks. So I will need to wait for my next appointment to know whether it’s gone.” Explained Youngjae.

“Ahh I see I see..”

“Baby.. I did my research a little bit about your condition. With the help of Youngwon noona.. hahahah. Ya I did complained to them about you. And they know about your condition too. Mian..” said Jungwoo earning a smack on his shoulder from Youngjae.

“Owww.. But baby listen to what I have to share first okay..”

“So I went online and did my research on the alternatives to cure the cyst you’re having and I know you won’t cave in to those birth control pills. I get it.. I will never force you take it. I’ve learnt about the side effects and I find it scary too.” Said Jungwoo making he peace signs with his hand.

“Anyways, I found this supplement.. An all-natural supplement that you can take that helps you regulate your hormones. I’m no doctor Youngjae ah but this is what I’ve really research and gathered to help you.”

“So I bought the supplements for you at a local pharmacy again with the help Youngwon Noona cause Baby, if I were to go in alone and asked the pharmacist about this, they might think I’m a girl yo..”

Youngjae was wheezing in laughter. She had to hold her tummy because she was still on her period and her menses were heavy flowing because of her laughing.

“So Youngjae yah, this supplement DIM-plus (Diindolylmethane) yeah helps your body to properly metabolize Estrogen(female hormones) if you are Estrogen dominant. Being Estrogen dominant can affect other hormones and that could be a cause of skipping periods.”

“The other alternative is you can eat broccolis cause they also produce the all-natural DIMs  that you get in a broccoli. But one thing is, you will need to eat buttload amount of it as compared to eating the capsule that I bought for you. And I knowwww… You don’t like eating vegetables Youngjae ah.. You and sweets all day everyday. See this is why I nag at you about all those things…” Jungwoo started to nag.

“OKAY OKAY OKAYYYY… Geumannnnnn.. Baby you are stressing me out” exclaimed Youngjae.

“Arasso arasso.. But listen to me this time kay..”

“Arasso.. Gomawo BabyWoo..” said Youngjae pulling Jungwoo into a hug.

“I love you so much that when you’re sick I can feel it too.”

“Ayyyy we ballin’ we fight together..” sang Jungwoo.

Two weeks after Seulgi’s miscarriage..

Seulgi isolated herself in her apartment. She didn’t want to meet anybody including her family, friends, her members and especially Haechan. She had ignored all forms of contact when she switched off her mobile phone. People who go through miscarriage could experience post-natal depression. Depression, also known as major depressive disorder, is a mental illness that causes persistent and intense feelings of sorrow for extended periods. Many people with depression also lose interest in activities they once enjoyed and have difficulty performing daily tasks.

Seulgi felt unjustified because she never get to see her baby. It doesn’t matter how far along she were, nothing should stop her from grieving for her baby. No matter how many people said, ‘You can always try again’, Seulgi felt extremely angry as it didn’t happened to them. They didn’t know how she felt. She felt extremely empty every time she touches her belly. Her baby bump was gone. :’’’’(

Seulgi had imagine her baby’s future from the moment she knew she was pregnant. She obviously needed some time to mourn her baby and all the hopes and dreams she had for her baby.

Seulgi felt like she had failed as a mother. The idea that her baby inside her, was removed was very difficult for her to accept. She felt terribly guilty that she was responsible in some way for her baby not being born.

She question all the things she’d done before the last few moments that caused her baby’s brief life to end. Thinking back. She hated Haechan with a passion because of her miscarriage. She wanted to put the blame on him but it was also not entirely his fault. She knew that saving her life was a natural decision made for the majority of fathers.

Seulgi cried herself to sleep every night and she will always have nightmares of her baby being taken away. She took relaxants to make herself sleep unconsciously at times. And just like the past few nights, Seulgi fell asleep after taking one of the relaxant.

Every night Haechan will come in Seulgi’s apartment discreetly to accompany her and he will leave early in the morning before Seulgi wakes up. That was the only way where he get to see his girlfriend without getting chase out.

After checking on his girlfriend, Haechan sat on the couch and rested his body.. Haechan had Dream schedule earlier and he was feeling extremely tired. He is not just tired physically, he was also tired mentally. He shut his eyes for a brief moment to let his thoughts just brings him to wherever.

Honestly the miscarriage was really dreadful. There were lots of emotions that Haechan went through that he didn’t really expect. Its really hard to put it in words on how he was feeling. The baby was their first child. Being a young father even when their baby was still the size of a peanut, Haechan had already experienced hormonal changes just like what Seulgi went through. The fatherly instinct, he was the caregiver and he was also the provider for the baby and Seulgi. He had experienced all those things even at a very short period of time.

He blames himself for not being there for Seulgi as much as he could during her first trimester. His schedule was really tight as compared to the other 127 hyungs as he was actively promoting with Dream as well for the end of the year events. And when the accident happened, he felt like his world was breaking apart. If only he could exchange lives with his baby on that day, he would want to save both.

On the following day after the miscarriage, Haechan was a wreck. He couldn’t go to work because every morning without fail, Haechan will go to flower store to buy flowers for Seulgi. Just to make her feel better, to comfort her. But honestly, he kept crying at the store. Emotions keeps flooding in. He lost… Haechan lost his baby too essentially. That’s really what it had come down to.

It was a hard transition to deal with. It was really tough because you lose your love ones, you lose family members and its tough. But losing somebody like that, like losing your own blood flesh was really… really tough for Haechan. He couldn’t cope with it.

Staying busy working, he just.. he sill couldn’t do it. He did got his job done by being present but his soul? It was missing. It wasn’t easy and the miscarriage really stuck with him.

Haechan had the ultrasound image that he capture when he first saw his pumpkin as his phone wallpaper. He still haven’t switch it up till today as he never wanted to forget the baby. The baby was part of Seulgi and Haechan’s lives for a little bit of time when she was here. And now she is in heaven. It  was an experienced that Seulgi and Haechan had to share. So that’s why no matter how far Seulgi had pushed him away. He still wanted to try his best to be as close to her as he knows Seulgi needed support. He didn’t blame anyone because it was nobody’s fault. Something did happened and he did lost a child but it was an accident that no one does it on purpose.

Out of a sudden, “NOOOOO.. NNOOOOOO DON’T GO AWAY.. NOOO”

Haechan ran up and saw Seulgi screaming and crying due to a nightmare. Seulgi must have dreamt about their baby again today. Sigh.. It has really been tough for her. Haechan lay next to Seulgi just to let her feel his presence.

Without him realizing, Seulgi had actually pulled his arm and hugged it closed to her chest. Comforting her. Haechan then tightened it into an embrace making Seulgi move a little bit.

“Heyyy.. I’m here.. It’s okay..” whispered Haechan to Seulgi’s ear.

“I miss our baby..” whispered Seulgi back.

“I miss her too. I’m so sorry Seulgi..” replied Haechan brushing his head close to Seulgi.

“It’s not your fault..” said Seulgi.

“I’m still so-

“I miss you Hyuck.. and I really still love you.. Don’t leave me.. please..”

“I wont baby. I will never..”