Dear Bae Joohyun,

Another letter for an amazing person. I remember in fourth grade, you were so sad that you didn’t spell molecules correctly at the spelling bee and you had the cutest pout on your face afterwards. Even now, you still have that same pout so that means you’re still cute.

Sincerely, Me

“This is so ing cheesy,” Sooyoung said as she read the letter Seulgi gave her. However, she broke out into a smile afterwards. “This is perfect!”

“It’s not that good.”

“Are you kidding me? Joohyun loves these kinds of things, finds them so romantic. Well, she likes the ones that don’t sound so shallow.”

Seulgi hummed in agreement. She never knew the exact moment she fell in love with Joohyun. Before Joohyun, there was nothing, and then she came, and then there was everything. She was sure she passed by Joohyun a thousand times at school, but something clicked in her head, and it all made sense. Joohyun was to be loved, maybe not by her, but it had to be somebody. She deserved at least that much. 

“Okay here's what you do. The way your friend did it was dumb. High chance of failure.”

“Failure?” Seulgi was confused.

“Yeah, of course failure. You told me she slipped the letter in Joohyun’s locker, in broad daylight, where there’s a stupid amount of people still left in school? What if someone had to take a piss in the bathroom or someone had to go to the principal's office or something? She was just lucky no one saw.”

Seulgi never thought of it like that, but of course she didn’t think too deeply into things. Brain power had been hard to come by these days. 

“Here’s the plan,” Sooyoung started, folding the letter up in the process. “You’re going to talk to her.”

“WHAT?” , no.

“YES!” Sooyoung yelled back with the same volume. 

“Shut up!” A boy yelled from behind the bookshelves, probably at a table. 

Oh, Seulgi forgot to mention. They were in a library; Ms. Hyoyeon had to go to a pilates class or something on the other side of town and the room upstairs was locked. She did that sometimes: disappeared. Seulgi wished she could do the exact same thing right now. 

Because…

“You shut the up!” Sooyoung yelled back and it was silent for a while until the librarian peeked her head in between the shelves and merely gestured them to get out of the library. Kicked out, Seulgi never would’ve thought this would be the first time. 

When they left the library, not before Sooyoung almost picked a fist a fight with the kid who yelled at them, they made their way to the only quiet place Seulgi knew. 

She had never taken anyone else to the hill. That much was obvious, at least. Nobody cared enough to go with her anywhere except Seungwan. And now, Seungwan was busy with Joohyun, so Seulgi lived with what she got: a delinquent hellbent on setting her up with her best friend’s girlfriend. From Seungwan to Sooyoung, a bit of a large jump in temperaments, but at least she had someone. Maybe it wasn’t the best, but it was something. 

“Sorry, that kid pissed me off,” Sooyoung apologized.

“No worries. I like it here better,” Seulgi confessed as she felt the cool breeze of autumn air hit her in the face. She breathed it all in. It reminded her of the field trip at a shrine in eighth grade. She saw Joohyun alone savoring the moment and she had her eyes closed with her head up to the sky, and Seulgi remembered savoring it with her…twenty feet away. Hey, it was something. 

“About Joohyun…” Sooyoung started, and Seulgi perked up at the name. “...she’s not just another pretty face. I do hope you know that.”

“I do,” Seulgi said, a bit too fast. 

“You do? Well, let’s quiz you.”

Sooyoung quizzing her on facts about Joohyun? Oh please, this was a cakewalk.

“Favorite food?”

“Those tacos with the green pesto sauce she liked from Miguel’s,” Seulgi said with confidence. She didn’t even stutter. 

“That’s…” Sooyoung looked absolutely horrified. “...correct. Jesus, you actually got that right.”

“Of course I did,” Seulgi said proudly, yet deep inside she knew it was a bit embarrassing to know that about someone so specifically. 

“Okay then. Favorite movie.”

“Handmaiden. That’s how I found out she liked girls.”

“How’d you find out you liked girls?”

“Joohyun.”

“What? So basically Joohyun made you gay. What if you’re Joosbian?”

“What?” Seulgi frowned. It was the most absurd thing she had ever heard. Well...that and what Sooyoung said the other day about her dating Joohyun. It didn’t even sound right, like it left a bad impression on her.

“Joosbian, as in you’re lesbian for Joohyun, and only Joohyun. Tell me, do you even like any other girl other than Joohyun?”

Now that Seulgi thought about it, no she hadn’t. Emma Watson was pretty, she guessed. Zoey Deschanel or Kim Taehee also was. But that was just the thing, they were pretty, and she was saying that in the most platonic way possible. She could even admit Seungwan had a bit of beauty in her, and she felt no attraction for the girl at all. Maybe Sooyoung was right. Maybe Joohyun was just that girl for her. 

“You don’t have to answer that. Anyway, that’s the end of my questions. You...seem to know her quite a lot. Anything you wanna ask me?”

Seulgi had a lot to ask, a lot she was curious about, but of course, she needed to know this…

“How come nobody knows you’re sisters with Joohyun?”

“Step-sisters,” Sooyoung corrected. “Well, it's simple really. She asked me not to say.”

“Why?”

Sooyoung shrugged. “Hell if I know. Maybe she’s embarrassed of me.”

Seulgi raised a brow. That didn’t seem like Joohyun. The Joohyun she knew was kind and caring, a bit distant, but she had a good heart. She remembered just last year, Joohyun volunteered for two months straight to go on blackboard cleaning duty. Nobody wanted to go on blackboard cleaning duty. Joohyun was like her, selfless, but in a good way. 

“That’s…that’s not true. You know her better than anyone.” 

Sooyoung pursed her lips for a few moments before she  nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. That doesn’t seem like her.” See? Even Sooyoung thought so too.

“Whatever it is, it must be important. I trust in her,” Seulgi said with such heart that it made Sooyoung smile in response. She looked out into the open field in front of them, and she closed her eyes and threw her head back to the sky, just like Joohyun did at the field trip. 

“You really love her, don’t you?” 

“Mhm,” Seulgi only said, eyes still closed enjoying the moment. 

It stayed that way until she felt a small nudge on her arm. She opened her eyes and saw that Sooyoung held out a small book: Catcher in the Rye, another one of freshman year’s curriculum. 

“You slip this book into her desk,” Sooyoung instructed and before Seulgi got to speak, she held up a finger, “Only when I tell you to. I’ll keep watch during lunch.”

Seulgi was about to say both of them disappearing during lunch would be a bad idea, since Sooyoung had prior experience with that sort of thing, but she merely kept shut and nodded. 

Sooyoung smiled then and said. “Maybe with this, we can pretend we have friends.”

//

It worked like a charm. Seulgi watched Joohyun take the book out during English, a bit confused on why freshman year’s curriculum was inside, but when she opened it up and saw that note, she smiled sweetly, like it was the most romantic thing ever. 

But what hurt just a little bit was when she looked at Seungwan instead of her and made a heart with her hands. Seulgi only imagined that it was directed at her, like it should be, and that made her feel better if only for a short moment. 

“I wrote a letter to Joohyun,” Seulgi confessed. That was the thing with lying, the lies never really stay put, until you build some foundation under it and really drill it in deep. “I thought she’d still like it if there were still letters. You missed it by a hair, but you should’ve seen her reaction.”

“Was it something I told you?” Seungwan asked, rewriting notes in her book. It was a free period, usually the time when Seungwan would busy herself with writing love letters, but she had no need for them anymore. 

Seulgi nodded. With another lie, there came another batch of concrete into the foundation of the biggest lie. “Something about her pout. I already forgot it already.”

Seungwan only nodded and Seulgi felt nervous. Sooyoung told her she had an expressive face, that she was an open book waiting to be read, but Seungwan said, “You’re such a good friend. You really want this to work out, don’t you?”

No.

“Yes,” Seulgi lied with a smile. “Anything for my friend.”

“If only I could be there for you more often. You understand, right? Me and Joohyun are really hitting it off! You know what she told me after English today, she said she wanted to go on a date at the carnival.”

“The carnival’s coming?”

Seungwan nodded. “Haven’t you seen the fliers?”

Honestly, no. She was too busy looking down, avoiding the stares and keeping to herself. She knew she should look up once in a while to see where she was going, but she had done this same exact routine, this same route for three years already. And she didn’t expect anything to change. 

Seulgi pinned all her hope on Joohyun. If only she could talk to Joohyun, maybe then it would be better. She wanted to be a part of something, but how could she if she couldn’t even confess to someone she had loved for years now? How could she if she didn’t have the confidence to go into a club room after school to introduce herself? How could she matter if she herself didn’t think she did?

Sometimes, Seulgi dreamed she mattered, that her actions and her thoughts meant something. Right now, she tried doing exactly that, but if it hurt this much to matter, then maybe she didn’t want it after all. 

“The fliers, right yeah. I saw them.”

“You’re going, right?” Seungwan asked, as if it was already a sure bet she was. 

That was when Seulgi realized, Seungwan really didn’t know her. Either that or Seungwan forgot her for just a moment which was just as bad. 

Friday nights for some kids were party nights, some were for hanging out with friends, and some were for people like her, who stuck her face into a computer screen and lived in a world other than her own.

So no, the answer wasn’t as obvious as Seungwan thought it was. 

“Yes.”

But she wanted to matter, and this could be the start. 

//

“Can I ask you something?”

It was Joohyun. Oh god, she was talking to her again, and she was panicking and she didn’t know what to say or what to do. Like should she act cool? Like give a sultry stare, or maybe her hands should stop sweating. THEY’RE NOT SWEATING. 

Stop thinking about your hands sweating when they’re not sweating causing them to sweat!

“S-Su...S-Sure.” Oh, great. She was back to stuttering.

“You know about these letters, right? The…” Joohyun’s face turned pink. She was blushing! She was so cute! “...love letters.”

“Yes,” Seulgi said as calmly as she could, trying not to freak out at how Joohyun could turn the clouds grey and yet with her cuteness, make them shoot out rainbows. 

“Well you see, she’s really good at writing them, but when I talk to her, she...I don’t know...doesn’t sound the same. Can you talk to her, please? Ask her what’s going on.”

Joohyun was asking her something. What was it? She didn’t know. She was too busy staring at her lips. They looked soft and her lip gloss made them shine, made them look so...kissable, it was starting to make Seulgi malfunction. 

But Seulgi found herself and said, “I-I’m sorry, wha..what was t-that?”

“These letters don’t sound like her. I just want her to tell me more, how she loves me.”

Seulgi frowned a little. This wasn’t right. Seungwan may not have loved Joohyun as much as her, but she still had a lot for Joohyun left to give. Maybe Seungwan just wasn’t articulating it well enough. Just like herself, she had a hard time talking. Well it was hard to talk when you’re making out like it was the end of the word, but still.

“Wel...Well she’s to...told me a bu...bunch of things.”

“Really?” Joohyun was hopeful. Seulgi could see it in her eyes. Joohyun wanted her to tell her what Seungwan loved about her. But that was the thing, if she told Joohyun what Seungwan really said, it really wouldn’t match the letters.

“Well…” Seulgi tried to find a reason, something both her and Seungwan knew. “...she likes how you eat, like a little gerbil. It’s cute, she said.” 

Whenever she talked about Joohyun, but didn’t talk directly to her, the words came out so easily. Because she was confident in what she said, it didn’t take much out of her to say them. 

“And she said that you looked really pretty when you wore those blonde highlights in your hair.”

“That was sixth grade! Did she really like me for that long?”

No, but I can’t think of anything else to say! 

“Of course! She’s lov-LIKED you for a long time.” Not the cleanest of saves, but yelling out stuff seemed to work most of the time. “And she liked how you handled yourself when you were in the debate club and you argued that high school should start later because of changing sleep schedules.”

Seungwan actually called in sick that day, and she didn’t get to see Joohyun absolutely destroy Jiyoung in that debate. 

Joohyun’s expression turned more and more lovely with each reason Seulgi shared. Sure, it was all her own reasons and not Seungwan’s but it was worth it. If she got Joohyun to smile for just a moment, then it was worth it.

“There’s also that time in seventh grade when you told off this kid for mocking this girl and Seungwan said that you were the bravest person she knew.”

If only I could tell her these things as me.

Seulgi continued, “Or that time when you leapt up and grabbed the flag during field day. She’d never seen you run that fast. You tried so hard and it really made her proud.”

If only I could tell her.

Seulgi went on, “And when you talk to your friends, you show this side of you that she really likes. That’s not what I-SHE meant err...she means that she likes how there are so many sides of you she gets to see.

If only I could...

“And she wanted me to tell you that she loves you.”

, that was in her own words not Seungwan’s. A momentary lapse of judgement. If there was anything Seungwan hated saying, it was those three hefty words. God, she messed up! Why is she screwing everything up over and over and over again?!

“REALLY?” Joohyun broke out into a wider smile, and she leaped forward and hugged Seulgi into a tight embrace. 

Brain? Body? They became disconnected when Joohyun hugged her. She didn’t even feel like herself anymore, like the moment Joohyun and her touched, her control just withered away into nothingness. 

“Thank you! Thank you so much!” 

Joohyun jumped and planted a small kiss on Seulgi’s cheek before saying goodbye and leaving. Seulgi held a hand to her cheek, not believing what just happened. She just said she loved Joohyun. She knew it wasn’t in the way Joohyun thought it was, but she still did it. 

Seulgi was in deep trouble, in more ways than one.

//

Getting strangled by a snake was a learning experience. As dumb as that sounded, it really did. Like that time during a school production of Lés Miserables, she learned not to sit in the front row (there were no seats left) because of all the spit coming out from the singers’ mouth. During her near death experience, she learned that there was no flash of light, no flashbacks to the life you lived, it was just the constant struggle and your head screaming to get this ing thing off your neck. 

Learning experiences , but hey, at least you learned something. 

Right now, she was learning that Joohyun was pretty rough when it came to kissing. As she watched her and Seungwan, she felt a pang in her chest, a hurt she only felt when her dad left when she was twelve. She clutched it, as if it would take the pain away, but as she expected, it didn’t do anything. If anything, it only made it worse.

Seulgi swiveled around, ran, and turned the corner. When she was out of sight, she rested her back against the wall, tears threatening to come out, but she willed it back in. She wasn’t going to cry today, but her face winced and scrunched up like she was about to. It just wasn’t worth it to cry. This was her friend for crying out loud! She was supposed to be happy. She was supposed to congratulate them, wish them well. Wasn’t that what friends do? 

“Hey, why are you—” It was Sooyoung, face thrown into a worry. Then she saw the pair making out around the corner. That was when she took Seulgi into a deep hug, no space in between them. It was just the two of them, and the sounds of lips smacking. A friend in need. 

Sooyoung started Seulgi’s hair, softly and gently, cooed in her ear with words of encouragement, that it was going to be alright, that it’ll change soon, that she won’t be alone anymore.

Seulgi never had a shoulder to lean on. Sure she had Seungwan for a while, but Seungwan was never so touchy with her. But with Sooyoung it all came so easily, like they were meant to be like this. Meant to be, Seulgi wanted to say that was what Joohyun and her were, but she was just lying to herself.

God, she never should’ve written that letter. She never should've put it in her locker. She never should’ve written that second letter. She never should’ve told Joohyun she loved her. Then she wouldn’t have had to see this. 

As Seulgi said before, learning experiences , but hey, at least she learned something new.

Even if it hurt.