Sometimes, Seulgi imagined she wasn’t who she actually was. One minute she was dreaming about being a kpop idol, the next she was a doctor. Dr. Kim said she should be herself, as did her mom, but Seungwan told her to be who you wanted to be, which Seulgi found to be much better advice. Being herself meant that she was voluntarily handicapping herself to be a stumbling, bumbling fool who couldn’t even string five words together. So no, she won’t be herself. She’ll be a kpop idol, someone who can actually talk to people, someone who can read the room and act accordingly. She’ll be a public speaker, a teacher, or just a normal person.

Whatever it was, Seulgi didn’t want to be what she was now.

Seulgi trudged her way down the hill where Seungwan was. She had given her the letter but she didn’t bother to stay to see how she reacted, giving the excuse that her mother wanted some help with the groceries. Seulgi should be happy, sure, but of course she wasn’t. If she was anything in life, she wasn’t a masochist. She liked the word selfless, but it seemed in this case they could be used interchangeably. 

Seulgi looked up at the hill and saw Seungwan jump up in joy, fist thrown up into the air and a bright smile on her face. She then proceeded to punch the air like a boxer. She looked like a total dork, but what was Seungwan if not a dork? 

Seulgi smiled discreetly before heading inside to cut her way through school to the parking lot on the other side. She felt a buzz in her pocket, but she didn’t bother to look at the message. She knew what it was about. She’ll talk about it later.

Here was a fun fact: her father had fought with her mother before she was born on what her name was going to be. Her mother wanted Seulgi, as it was now, but her father wanted Yongsun. Maybe it was a cruel joke, but the syllables of her name if she was named Yongsun would be KYS, the slang for Kill Yourself, which was certainly the sort of thought she really shouldn’t be having right now. 

She was fine with KSG. At least then, she could point that shotgun at someone else, and not herself. 

When Seulgi reached the parking lot, she found few of the reasons why she avoided people. Two of those reasons were perched upon a convertible, making out with each other: Kwon Yuri and Im Yoona. They had bullied her before, mainly middle school, about her lack of social skills. They mocked her relentlessly, that was until their biology teacher Ms. Park Jihyo (God bless that woman) took notice and stopped it altogether. 

Another reason was the girl with four of her fingers in each pocket while her thumbs hung around her belt loops like some sort of cowboy. She had a lollipop in and she wore full leather. Seulgi couldn’t deny she looked awfully badass. It was Sooyoung, or Joy as she called herself, which she found hilarious considering the girl never smiled. Never. She was an outcast, a social pariah just like her, but it wasn’t because she couldn’t speak, oh she could speak just fine. Seulgi dared say Sooyoung spoke so finely that she got caught with Ms. Park Chaeyoung, their fresh out of college calculus teacher in her classroom. Seulgi wouldn’t forget the sight. Full frontal, no hair with four of Sooyoung’s fingers furiously ing in and out. Ms. Park was, of course, fired the next day and Sooyoung became the girl who ed a teacher. They said everything she touched became bad luck. 

With people like her, Seulgi would rather keep her head low like she had been doing for years already. That way, people won’t notice her, and even if they did and she spoke, would they even listen? No, probably not. So Seulgi walked through the parking lot with ease, knowing that nobody was looking at her. 

Dr. Kim texted her earlier, a bit after Joohyun gave her back the letter. Reading it then and thinking about it now, Seulgi could properly picture how her face looked. Taeyeon was a pretty woman, that was for sure, but whenever she talked to her, whenever they had their sessions, her face would scrunch up like she ate something bad that morning, as if talking to her brought her physical pain. It wouldn’t be a surprise. It wasn’t the first time she made someone barf just at the thought of her, like Jisoo in seventh grade when their teacher was pairing people for the Greek Gods/Goddesses project. The girl’s cheeks swelled when her name was called following Seulgi’s, and well, that was the start of the end. After that, people started avoiding her like the plague and it followed her into high school, that stigma that she was barf-worthy. 

Seulgi seriously thought Jisoo had bad rice that morning, but that was her being optimistic. 

Anyway, the text said, You need to write that list, Seulgi. It’ll help, I promise. Sit down and think about it for once. I’ll see you on Friday.

Sure, she will do exactly that, right after Bae Joohyun kisses her, tongue and all, no holds barred. Meaning: that it will never happen, because if she was sure of anything in life, it was that she won’t find a reason to put on the list, much less finish it. She could write Seungwan’s list for her, oh definitely. 

Seungwan’s list for the good things about Seulgi.

1. Selfless

That was it, really, and Seulgi hated being selfless so she couldn’t put it in her own list. It meant she could never have anything for herself. She didn’t even have herself to begin with. She was stuck with some terrible thing controlling her body, not the self she wanted. So Seulgi guessed that was it. Self-less, as in, she didn’t have a self, because she wanted to be anything but herself. 

Maybe one day, she could find herself. 

But she doubted it.

//

It didn’t take long for the whole school to find out that Bae Joohyun, the greatest woman of our generation (as dubbed by Seungwan herself), was dating the shy, nobody Son Seungwan. The news spread like wildfire and people started to wonder: if Seungwan could do it, why couldn’t they? So there came the cascade of confessions and rejections that followed. It seemed that every day had a new heart broken or a new heart made.

But as always, Seulgi stood in the back where she belonged, hoping that they wouldn't notice her just because she was friends with Seungwan. Because it meant talking to people, such as Joohyun’s friends, who were far more skilled at her with the matters of the tongue (in more ways than one). Yeri, in particular, started giving her looks, like she was some hyena eyeing its next meal. Seulgi felt awfully self-conscious, wondering if anything was on her face, because whenever people looked at her, it was because of something sticking out, like that one time in sixth grade when toilet paper stuck to her shoe when she came out of the bathroom. They called it her wedding veil, the bastards.

“Sorry about Yeri. She hasn’t gotten laid yet and she’s wondering what it feels like.” A whisper came into her ear, making her jump at the sudden sultry voice. It was Joohyun, in all her glory, and Seulgi short circuited at the sight. 

Joohyun glowed, seriously, like some divine deity came down from the heavens and blessed her with her presence. Seulgi was glad because that meant Seungwan was doing something right, whatever it was, and she wouldn’t have it any other way, except of course if she was in Seungwan’s spot. 

“Oh. I-I…” She didn’t know what to say to that. She could say something, but it wouldn’t make sense. So she did what she did best and just stayed silent. 

“I’m not going to tell you to talk to her. If you really wanted to, you would’ve done it already.”

Have I ever told you that it didn’t matter that the school year started out the same? Sure, I was stuck with Seungwan and I had no friends, but really, I didn’t care about that. The only way I knew things would change is if I had the courage to talk to Joohyun.

Inwardly, she cursed Dr. Kim in her head. Because for the first time in her life other than Seungwan, she was going to talk to someone, not stutter her way through, actually talk.

Seulgi felt the twitches around the side of , little bastards trying to mess her up again. “I don’t hate it,” she said, her voice breaking a bit at the end, but she didn’t stutter, that was the point. 

“Then…” Joohyun trailed off, like she wanted Seulgi to finish what she was thinking. 

“Then what?” Seulgi squeaked out once more. It was hard, but she was getting there.

“...it’s obvious she likes you.”

What? Now that didn’t make sense. Her, Kang Seulgi, being wanted? Her own mother took overtime everyday just so she didn’t have to see her, her father left when she was twelve, and her brother hated the mere thought of her, so much so he left the second he turned eighteen. Even Seungwan now, her friend was nowhere to be seen. They haven’t talked for days, not since she gave the note on the hill. 

When it mattered most, no one was there for her. It was just herself and herself only. 

“I’m sure that’s not...I mean, that’s really sweet, but you said she only wants to get laid, sure, yeah errr but I uhh want something more…real?” I want you, was what she meant through all the fluff. 

“Well if you change your mind, she’s there. But you better act quick or else you’d lose your chance.”

The chance that mattered she lost five years ago in an ice cream shop named Pollack’s. She was with Seungwan and they were sitting down in one of the booths in the far corner where nobody could see them. Seungwan talked more than she did, as she always did, talking about her day and what she hated and loved at the same time interspersed in between. Then she said those three words and it took Seulgi’s world away, “I love Joohyun.” Then and there, Seulgi knew it was over before it even started.

She would choose Seungwan over Joohyun every time. A bros before hoes, kind of thing, but she knew now that Seungwan didn’t feel the same way. What did she expect? 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Seulgi replied, nodding while she weakly smiled back. 

And Seulgi saw Joohyun about to say something back, but there was a buzz and Seulgi felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She shot a look at Joohyun, and she took her phone out and read the message. 

It was Seungwan’s.

We need to talk.

//

“This isn’t my letter,” Seungwan said the moment Seulgi arrived, holding up the piece of paper containing her feelings. “The writing is different, more neat, more girly. It’s yours, isn’t it?”

Seulgi knew it would come to this. Why wouldn’t it? Seungwan disappeared for days and it was obvious why. Her only friend betrayed her.

“Yes,” Seulgi confessed. “It is, but Joohyun thinks it’s you,” she said quickly right after.  

“She rejected me, but the moment she saw this letter, she turned around and said yes. You know what that means? She means she loves your letter, not mine.”

“No!” Seulgi said aloud, quickly and in a panic, trying to think of something to say. “I-it’s a misunderstanding. You’ve got it all wrong.”

“Then what is it? It seems very clear that YOU like Joohyun too. You never told me this.”

“Well…” She had two choices, lie or tell the truth. Meaning: the easy way or the hard way. She just wasn’t ready to take the latter. “...that’s because I wanted to help you.”

“Huh?”

The words just came out of so easily. “I err saw Joohyun really sad when she didn’t get a letter from you the day after. I know you’d hate that so well I...wrote one myself using what you told me about her, just to make her feel better.” That was a lie. Seungwan never noticed that about Joohyun. To Seungwan, it was always the big picture, she didn’t notice the little things, the little quirks and idiosyncrasies that Joohyun had. She hated to say this about Seungwan, but her love was shallow. 

Seungwan paused for just a moment, trying to process Seulgi’s words, and Seulgi stood there stone-faced even though she was dying inside. Lying to Seungwan was never good, lying in general wasn’t either, but Seulgi had been lying to herself her whole life that it was going to get better, and it hadn’t yet, but it felt better when she did. At least then she could live for just a moment longer without breaking. Just like Dr. Kim told her, talking to people takes practice, lying did too and she had a lot of chances to do that.

“Okay, I believe you,” Seungwan said before a smile broke out on her face. She nudged Seulgi on the arm, who gave her a weak smile back. “Who knew you could sound so sappy? I thought you said you had more important stuff than to write stupid love letters, huh?”

Seulgi playfully nudged her back, a wry chuckle coming out. “I know how much Joohyun means to you so I thought I’d help you out.”

Seungwan stretched her arms out. “Give me a hug, friendo.”

Seulgi went into her embrace, biting her lip in deep thought as to what a show she got herself into. She was right, putting that letter in Joohyun’s locker was stupid, absolutely stupid. She just hoped it all ends right. 

Hopefully.

//

Seulgi didn’t make it back to Joohyun and them, as she had her project with Mrs. Kim about public speaking after school. Seungwan went on ahead, giving her one last hug and a small “We’ll talk later” but she knew that was probably not going to happen. 

Mrs. Kim Hyoyeon was a...character. Seulgi didn’t have a word for Hyoyeon. Enthusiastic? Perky? Crazy? Those three words could actually work to be fair. She was the P.E teacher and she had taken it upon herself to do this project since the others dubbed her as none other than muscles with no brain. She wanted to prove them wrong, which Seulgi was wholly empathetic for. 

Since the gym was occupied by the basketball team, they situated themselves in a room on the top floor next to the janitor closet. It was a tiny room, meant for storage, but it had since turned into a small meeting space. 

But when she arrived, she saw nobody but Sooyoung sitting on a chair with her feet up on the table, her muddy boots dirtying it up, and her head thrown back and wide open. She had a book open strewn across her eyes and Seulgi could hear snoring from the social outcast. 

It must be the wrong room. 

But when Seulgi tried to close the door, Sooyoung called out, still in the same position, “You’re in the right place. Come in.”

Seulgi felt her heart stop. She had an idea why Sooyoung was here, but she certainly didn’t like it. Unlike her, Sooyoung reveled being alone, enjoyed it, people didn’t talk to her and she was free to do what she wanted to do without anybody caring what anybody thought of her. Seulgi couldn’t do the same.

Seulgi creeped in the room, even though she had every right to be there and made her way to the table in the middle of the room where Sooyoung was, the book on her face now on the table and her legs on the ground. When Seulgi reached the table, they had a little staring match in the silence, as if they were squaring each other up for a boxing match. 

Seulgi was the first to break and looked away, causing Sooyoung to smirk. 

“Sit down. I’m not going to hurt you,” Sooyoung said, but her voice wasn’t very convincing. Seulgi had the habit of finding what people really meant. She was good at it too, since she had so much practice with just observing people, not interacting with them. 

Seulgi sat down in front of Sooyoung, hands politely lain down on her lap like a nun of sorts. She avoided the outcast’s prying eyes like she was the plague and she found herself staring at the book on the table. 

The Great Gatsby

They read that freshman year for their English class. Most of them looked for translations online, not bothering to even try to read it in its native language. Seulgi wondered if Sooyoung was reading it or she was just using it as a sleeping mask.

“Looking at my book?” Sooyoung asked through the silence, slicing it wide open. 

Seulgi jerked in attention and looked up. “Huh?” she asked, not hearing what Sooyoung said. 

“My book, you’re looking at it.”

“Oh, y-your bo..book. I—”

“You read it, right? Freshman year, along with all the other kids.”

Seulgi just nodded, saving herself the embarrassment of stuttering through another conversation. 

“I didn’t get to read it. I looked up summaries online for the quizzes and just winged the tests. I was reading it before you came, it’s actually pretty good.”

That was funny because Sooyoung was singled out in freshman year for having the best grade in the class for that section of English. Some people were just born smart, Seulgi guessed. She didn’t do as well: straight C’s. Average, just like she was. 

Seulgi only nodded her head, not really knowing what to say to Sooyoung. She didn’t know what to say whenever, in fact. Whenever she tried to lead a conversation, it always sputtered out into a spiraling mess, and what she meant to say wasn’t what she really said, and it all just… crashed and burned. Like that time in freshman year, Joohyun was walking by and in a moment great stupidity, she decided that she would say hi. It came out as a loud “HA!” like she was yelling at Joohyun or something. Of course Joohyun just skittered away with her friends confused and Seulgi wanted to just go home and hide her face in her bed. 

“You don’t talk much,” Sooyoung observed. “Or are you scared of me or something? Maybe both?” She chuckled for a bit at that, but she saw how Seulgi squirmed in her seat like she was uncomfortable, so she said, “It is both. I get it, I do. I’m that kid who got caught with Ms. Park ing in the classroom, but I also know you’re that kid who’s scared to talk to anybody she comes across. Seulgi, right? You’re that kid who won fourth place at the essay contest, and the principal had you read your paper over the intercom and you just stuttered your way through it all.”

Seulgi looked alarmed, eyes wide open like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Sooyoung knew her? 

“I’m the same as you, you know? I have no friends and everybody just ignores me.” 

That wasn’t true. She had Seungwan. Well...okay, Sooyoung was right. She had nobody at the moment, just her and her alone. 

“Can you talk to me?” Sooyoung asked. Seulgi believed Sooyoung truly meant that, like her voice was weak and she was pleading, like she actually wanted someone to talk to, like she hated being as alone as she was. Nobody should be as alone as she felt, so she tried. That was what her mom asked of her anyway: to try, at least. 

“Okay…” Seulgi said. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. “W-Why a-are you here?” 

“Hyoyeon wanted me to help.” They were on a first name basis? That was a bit strange. Wait, no, were Sooyoung and Hyoyeon...

“We’re not ing,” Sooyoung said, as if she read her mind.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you were thinking about it. Contrary to what you think, your face says a lot. You’re an open book.”

Seulgi pursed her lips, not really knowing what to say to that. She merely hummed in agreement before looking away, a bit embarrassed that she got caught.

“It’s fine, really. Everyone thinks that. You’re no different than them.”

“No!” Seulgi called out, and she herself was surprised at her little outburst. So her voice simmered down to a small, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Sooyoung popped her lips and nodded her head. “Okay,” she said. “I believe you.”

Again, it was silent. There was nothing but the sun rays seeping through the curtains and the sounds of birds chirping. Seulgi could faintly hear the sounds of the soccer team outside, but that was it. 

“I heard your friend got with Joohyun.”

“Friend?” She asked. Oh, she meant Seungwan. “Yeah, that was errr good.”

“You’re doing it again. Your face,” Sooyoung observed.

Seulgi bit her lip. She wasn’t used to this. This was the longest conversation she ever had other than her Mom, Dr. Kim, and Seungwan and it was leaving her all stressed and gooey and she didn’t feel safe or right at all. 

“Wait…” Sooyoung broke into a smile. “You don’t like them together, do you?”

Seulgi lowered her head and just twiddled with her thumbs. Let Sooyoung say what she wanted to say. This was getting too much for her. She hated being read, hated baring herself for the world to see. There wasn’t much to see, but what was there wasn’t pretty and she didn’t want anyone to look at it.

“You like your friend Seungwan,” Sooyoung guessed with a smile on her face. Seulgi looked up at that, like it was the craziest thing she had ever heard.

“Oops, you like Joohyun. Ding ding ding! We got a winner!” Sooyoung laughed, throwing her head back in a roar. 

Seulgi winced. Nobody knew for years and this girl just came and threw strike after strike at her and got a perfect score. She was sure it hadn’t even been five minutes since she sat down on this chair and this girl just knew everything about her. 

When Sooyoung calmed down, she rested her arms on the table and leaned forward. “Hey,” she called, trying to get Seulgi’s attention. When Seulgi gave her a look, she said, “I’ve got a plan.”

Plan? The only thing she had ever worked on with anyone was putting ornaments up the Christmas tree with her Mom and Seungwan. Even for the group projects at school, she did all the work since it was obvious she wasn’t going to present it. She just stood in the background while the others talked and answered questions. This plan, whatever it was, she wasn’t going to be ready for it. 

But she was curious.

“What is it?”

“Tell me how they got together. It’ll help me make one.”

Saying you have a plan and forming one wasn’t the same thing, Seulgi would like to say to Sooyoung, but that would be mean and she was anything but. 

“Love letters,” she only said. 

“Oooohhh, how romantic!” Sooyoung squealed, totally unbecoming of her reputation. She was the cool, aloof kid in the back of the classroom, like John Bender in the Breakfast Club. She even had those fingerless gloves that he wore. It was unusual she acted so...perky. Never meet your idols, they said. But it was nice, Seulgi thought. She preferred her like this. 

“What’s this plan even about?” Seulgi surprised herself. She said that without breaking.

“To get you with Joohyun duh,” Sooyoung said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

Seulgi couldn’t help herself and burst out into laughter, keeling over the table and her stomach hurting. When she was done, she wiped a tear from on her eye, like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. It was, really, in a self-deprecating sort of way, but nobody told her she couldn’t laugh at herself. 

“That’s...that’s the bravest thing someone’s ever told me.”

“Brave? But you laughed!” 

“Yeah, that’s why it’s so funny, because me dating Joohyun? You must be crazy.”

“What? I’m saying it could work if you just stick to the plan.”

“And what’s this genius plan of yours anyway?”

Sooyoung stilled then, like she couldn’t find anything to say, as if Seulgi caught her with her pants down in the middle of church. 

“See? You don’t even have a clue.”

“Love letters you say?” Sooyoung reiterated what Seulgi told her before, and Seulgi could see the cogs turning in that genius head of hers. “I know what you’re going to do.”

“What?”

“You write one and put it in her locker.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“Okay, you said Seungwan wrote love letters?”

“Yes.” Seulgi frowned. She didn’t know where Sooyoung was getting at with this. 

“If you write her a letter, then who does she think is writing it? Seungwan’s already dating her. What’s the need for more letters? She’s going to think it’s Seungwan at first. Then you’re going to show her something Seungwan doesn’t know.”

“I know Joohyun the same as Seungwan does,” she lied. Ten thousand and one, remember that. 

Sooyoung crossed her arms and laid back in her seat, a wry smirk dancing through her face. 

“That’s the thing, Seulgi. Joohyun? Well, she’s my step-sister.”

Oh, .

//

Seulgi wore a bandana over her neck everyday. It was because during her time at the zoo, a boa constrictor wrapped itself around her neck and almost killed her. It was only a matter of time before she keeled over and died on the spot. Thankfully, her mentor was close by, and managed to call over a few of the other experts to get it off her. 

The bandana helped her hide the marks, since they were so large and prominent. If she didn’t, it would draw attention to her, and she didn’t want that. 

“Seulgi, I’ve got to ask,” Seungwan started. “Why did you start working at the zoo? You don’t even like animals!”

Well that was the funny thing, she really didn’t. She was scared they were going to bite her head off or cut off her blood flow like that snake did. Dr. Kim told her it would do her some good if she got out of her comfort zone, get experience. She suggested a lot of jobs like being a cashier or waiter, but she chose the zoo because, well, she didn’t have to talk to people every second. She could lounge around with the animals like some Disney Princess singing or something like that. Disney Princesses don’t have their animals try to kill them, but that was not the point here. It was that she got out and did something. That she was a part of something. 

And then summer rolled around and it was like the world just rewinded her progress from whence she came, as if she didn’t work there at all. 

“Oh, you know. I learned to like them,” Seulgi lied, picking at her nails nervously. She never told Seungwan about Dr. Kim, not once. Sure they were friends, but she was embarrassed that she needed help with something as simple as this. So she kept shut and moved along.

Sometimes, Seulgi dreamed she could do everything she wanted without a care in the world, like Sooyoung did. She wanted what Sooyoung had, not the loner part, she got that down pat. No, if she wasn’t going to change her status as that “kid who stuttered”, she wanted to at least not care about it like Sooyoung did: “the kid who ed a teacher”.

She hated labels.

At least now, Seungwan was “the kid dating Joohyun”. 

Seulgi looked down at her phone and she angled it away from the sun so she could see it better. There on the screen was Sooyoung’s number saved as Joy. 

Maybe, just maybe one day she could change the label.